


Tread Lightly

by an_alternate_world



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant up to 3A finale, Christopher Diaz is an absolute BEAN, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Gun Violence, Healing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Near Death Experiences, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 151,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23011666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_alternate_world/pseuds/an_alternate_world
Summary: Healing after a truck bombing, breakup, pulmonary embolism, tsunami and lawsuit is a slow process when you're afraid to talk to your team when it feels like the world is crumbling in on you. Finding your way out of the crippling darkness is a lonely process when you're afraid you'll get benched again for something beyond your control. Learning to love again is a terrifying process when you're not sure your best friend will ever truly forgive you.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), all other canon ships on the show in background
Comments: 1125
Kudos: 1172





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to start this with a shout-out to the incredible [Nicole](https://chasingoblivion.tumblr.com/), who reached out on Tumblr after I tentatively posted my first Buddie fic here months ago. What was a small idea blossomed into something far larger with her support and encouragement. As if it wasn't enough to throw ideas around and cheerlead, she then very courageously volunteered to beta it all and then throw more ideas around to make it all link better.
> 
> Nicole, you know this wouldn't be half the fic it is (quite literally) without you. Thank you.
> 
> I'm also indebted to various members of the Buddie Discord for giving ideas to fill plot gaps (I'm sure you'll recognise what you were responsible for when you get to it!), sprinting alongside me to encourage the writing, and basically flailing with excitement any time I talked about it even though I've tried so hard to avoid giving anything away. There are too many of you to list so just know I am ever so grateful for having found you.

**Word Count:** 4,903  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** Canon-compliant up to 3x10, though it picks up from the end of 3x06 and then weaves 3x07-3x10 plotlines into other chapters. This fic explores various aspects of PTSD and depression, will feature anxiety/panic attacks, nightmares, near-death experiences, and instances of gun violence in later chapters. I'll do my best to update this section each chapter with chapter-specific warnings.

This chapter includes nightmares and an anxiety attack after a near-death experience.  
 **Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with _911_ , Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.

* * *

* * *

It wasn't until late that night, after he'd soothed Christopher's latest nightmare and resettled his aching and bruised body among his blankets and pillows, that Eddie let himself think about the look of pure surprise or wonder or happiness that had filled Buck's face when he'd insisted the other was forgiven for the lawsuit. His words had seemed so simple when he'd said them but Buck's reaction… The words had obviously meant a lot to him.

As he tried to silence all the noise inside his head so he could sleep for at least a few hours before his next shift, he couldn't help but wonder why Buck had needed to obtain his forgiveness so badly and why he was so filled with doubt and uncertainty. Surely Buck knew that their friendship _could_ be repaired?

The look on Buck's face, the disbelief, would stop Eddie from falling asleep peacefully for weeks.

* * *

His heart hammered in his chest as he sat up so fast that his head spun. The sheets were tangled around his legs, trapping him from getting to his feet and pacing the floor, but after a frantic fight with the fabric he was up and moving and getting away from the bed that contained flashes of dreams which were all too real and rampaged through the barriers of his sleeping brain into the bits of his brain that were rapidly awakening.

He grasped at the wall, vaguely comforted by the solid and smooth surface which he had to trust wasn't shifting beneath his hand with another earthquake, and used it to steady himself until the swaying beneath his feet stopped, and the memories stopped flickering behind his eyes, and his heart stopped threatening to explode against his constricted lungs.

And when it all slowed, when he finally thought he had himself under some semblance of control, he was exhausted. So exhausted he wanted to crawl back into bed and go straight back to sleep. Except his fear of another nightmare, of another restless sleep, kept him from the rumpled nest of blankets and pillows.

When he glanced at the clock on his bedside table, it was approaching four in the morning. He could shower, go for a run until he couldn't think anymore, shower again, have breakfast, and then head to the station for his next shift.

Tired as he was, he knew more sleep wasn't an option. The thought of dying again wasn't an option. The thought of seeing Eddie's face, laced with anger and fear and disappointment, or Chris, broken and bloody and crumpled, or Bobby… He couldn't bear it. Eddie might've said he was part of the team again, might have forgiven him, but the fears still lurked everywhere.

With a sigh, and a rub of his hand over his face, Buck padded across the floor to the bathroom for his first shower of the day.

He flinched at the sound of the water as it cascaded from above, recoiling from the droplets that splattered over the floor and hit his feet. Tears filled his eyes as he peeled the sweat-soaked t-shirt and shorts from his skin, keeping the bandaging around his arm away from the water to avoid saturating the dressings.

When the water finally slipped over his flesh, when memories and nightmares and everything in between crashed over him for a second time in as many minutes, he tried to cling to the memory of Eddie's arms around him for the briefest of seconds before he'd grunted and pulled away. It was the only thing he had to try to keep the broken sobs of fear and frustration contained, but even that didn't work for very long when water continued to drag along his skin.

* * *

Hen fussed over him at the station, peeling away the dressings that the hospital had applied to check for any signs of infection and praising and admonishing him in the same breath for saving a life and risking his own.

"And what would _you_ have done?" he said with a sheepish smile as her thumbs pressed a new bandage into place on his arm. "Left the guy in the windshield?"

"I'm not the one on blood thinners," she said with a shake of her head, though the quirk to her lips and glimmer in her eyes almost seemed fond. "You've given us enough scares lately. Why not let someone else do the hard work?"

Buck tried to keep his face neutral as she finished her work and began piling the old dressing and new packaging into a ball to throw in the trash. "How long have I fought to get back here to _do_ the hard work?"

The look that crossed Hen's face made him feel a small pang of guilt.

"Besides, it looked worse at the time because of the thinners but the cuts aren't really that deep, are they? I'll be fine."

Hen pursed her lips and fixed him with a look that he thought she had learned from Athena. "We just want you to be okay, Buck. That means in one piece and without bandages or gauze or stitches holding you together."

He smiled, rolling his sleeve down to cover the worst of the dressings so that he didn't have to feel the eyes of everyone on him – or his injuries – all day. He was sick of feeling like a creature for everyone to gawk at, waiting for the next time he collapsed or did something stupid. He wanted to be healthy and okay again too. He wanted to be treated like a normal human being again, whatever that really meant.

"I _am_ okay," he said with a false determination he barely felt because honestly his legs burned after the miles and miles he'd run this morning in an attempt to get away from all the memories and the nightmares and the fears that threatened to drown him just like the tsu-

The bells went off in the house and Hen cursed, tossing the rubbish and peeling off her blue gloves as they jogged for the truck. Bobby, Chimney and Eddie were descending from the kitchen area – Chimney still with a slice of toast dangling from between his teeth – and Buck tried not to feel too thrilled that he was finally getting to go on a call.

The only way he could describe it was like riding a bicycle, because he hadn't forgotten what to do or where to sit. There was a certain degree of automaticity that he felt on the job now but he'd forgotten how exhilarated and nervous he felt while sitting in the truck on the way to a job. Or maybe it had never been like this before, because he realised as they made a left turn that his hands felt clammy and he felt slightly dizzy.

"Hey." Eddie's knee nudged his bouncing one and he glanced up from staring at the floor, tracing patterns that weren't there in an attempt to focus his thoughts. "You good?"

Buck plastered on a smile. "Just hoping I haven't forgotten anything since the last time I went out."

Eddie stared at him and there was a crawling discomfort in Buck's belly because he still wasn't sure where they really stood after everything. Eddie claimed he was forgiven and trusted him with taking care of Christopher but there was a distance to Eddie's entire demeanour, something cold and distant in his eyes and the set of his lips, and Buck didn't know why. He didn't know how many more apologies he'd have to make before he truly felt like Eddie heard him. _Saying_ he was forgiven didn't mean the same as _being_ forgiven.

Bobby's voice cut through his musings, explaining the incident they were approaching. "-three stuck in an elevator in the lower basement-"

Buck tried to tune into the conversation taking place around him, processing the potential issues and dangers and making mental lists of what might be required on the call to ensure he hadn't forgotten anything after his extended time out of the team. Elevators could mean a front-on approach to crank the doors or descending through the shaft, depending on what was affecting the doors. The car could also be stuck between levels, meaning opening the doors was pointless. There could be a medical emergency. The car could fall further. Or it could rise suddenly. Or-

"-Hen and Chim, you stay in the lobby for the retrieved vic's. Buck and Eddie, I need you two on the elevator shaft, alright?"

He was still running through scenarios and risks and solutions when he felt a tap on his shoulder. His eyes snapped towards Hen's troubled look, feeling as though he'd been caught doing the wrong thing.

"Sure, Cap. Buck and I can do elevator recovery," Eddie said and Buck's eyes swivelled towards the other man, but Eddie's eyes were looking out the window so Buck returned his attention to running through the bank of possibilities in his head.

When they reached the site, he realised he should've paid more attention to the dispatch information and the assignments. They weren't the only truck at the scene because, when Buck climbed out and followed the eyes of the team to take in the towering building in downtown LA, he could see black smoke billowing from an upper level.

Bobby started pointing and Chim and Hen went in one direction while Buck fell into step with Eddie to go in the other. They gathered their rappelling gear from the truck's compartment in silence, fastening harnesses and draping ropes over shoulders as they moved towards the building. The shrill wail of the fire alarm was even more shattering inside the lobby as Buck followed Eddie weaving through the sea of people trying to flee the building. The sound was at such a high pitch that Buck would swear it was stabbing his eyes. He would've asked someone to turn it off if it wasn't a necessity during evac procedures.

Eddie strode towards the elevator marked with a _4_ on the wall, Halligan at the ready and prising apart the doors with Buck on the other side.

"You good?" Eddie looked at him, eyebrow raised, as he slung the Halligan through his belt.

Buck nodded, peering into the elevator shaft and flashing his torch into the darkness. There was a substantial difference between their ground floor and the glint off the top of the elevator in the basement section below. "I've done this before," he said with a shrug, finding the anchor point within the shaft for his pair of ropes. "I'll get them out of the car, you get them strapped in for Chim and Hen to raise?"

As if on cue, Chim and Hen appeared with ropes attached to the pulley wheel along with an additional harness and a basket. Buck thought Eddie nodded at the suggestion of what to do once they had reached the elevator and together they worked on securing the next series of ropes in the shafts

"All set?" Chim asked and Buck nodded, giving one final tug against the harnesses and then doing the opposite of what any sane person would do – descending into the elevator shaft. He could hear the _snick_ of Eddie's ropes moving through his harness as they abseiled towards the car. There was a small _clang_ when Buck's feet hit the metal roof and he could hear some shrieking inside, which only intensified when Eddie's boots hit the roof.

Buck crouched by the hatch with his torch trained on the opening for Eddie's Halligan. Once Eddie peeled it away, Buck spied two older men and a younger woman cowering at the edges of the elevator.

"Hey folks," he said, flashing his best attempt at a comforting smile at the trio. "How about we get you out of here?"

"Oh, thank god," the woman said, hands clutching her phone against her chest.

"Harness is here," Eddie murmured as Buck slid through the hatch until his feet hit the floor. "Buck's in the car."

"Copy."

Buck unclipped his harness for Eddie to tie off in the shaft to avoid it tangling with the pulley above. He surveyed the three victims, noting no obvious signs of injury which was a relief. Elevators which fell suddenly were an easy way to end up with cracked heads and broken limbs.

"Okay then." He glanced up at the harness that Eddie lowered through the open hatch. "Who's first?"

* * *

The woman had been evac'd and the first man was on his way out when the second reached towards Buck, a hand rubbing at his chest and his brows pinching together in a way that made Buck's blood run cold.

"Son, I don't feel so good," he said, his cheeks pale.

Buck grabbed at his waist instinctively to keep him upright when he saw the man start to sag. "That's alright, Sir. We're going to get you out of here soon, remember?" Buck said, swallowing his nerves and gently lowering the man to sit on the floor. "Can you tell me your name?"

"W-William." Buck reached for William's wrist, holding his fingers on the pulsepoint while staring at his watch and counting, counting, counting. He could tell the heartbeat was irregular but it was impossible to tell if it was a heart attack or an anxiety issue after the man had been caged inside the elevator for so long.

He shifted his fingers to William's neck, the pulse stronger but still clearly erratic and gauging how clammy his skin was. "What other symptoms are you having, William?"

"My chest hurts," William said, rubbing against his sternum again. "Feeling dizzy as well."

He nodded, touching his hand to William's face in an attempt to keep the dark eyes of the other man on him. "Alright, William. We're going to get you out of here, okay?"

"Buck?"

He waved a hand at wherever Eddie was above him, fingers at his radio. "Hey guys? Can we speed up the evac of our other male vic? Our remaining vic isn't doing so well down here."

"Going as fast as we can, Buck," Bobby's voice crackled back but Buck was watching the unfocused look in William's eyes and knew this was becoming more serious with every second that ticked by.

"Eddie, send down the basket and my rope. I'll rig him up so he can get extracted as soon as the pulley returns."

"Do you want me to-"

"Eddie." He looked up, keeping as calm as he possibly could at Eddie's face peering through the hatch because whatever was happening to William, he really didn't need the guy getting even _more_ stressed than he already was about the medical episode he was suffering. "Basket and rope, please."

Eddie huffed but the basket clanked against the hatch as he lowered it to the floor.

"So, William, what brought you to this building today?" Buck said, because at least if William was talking Buck could gauge if he faded. His best hope was an anxiety-based issue, in which case casual conversation could provide some comfort.

"A m-meeting with m-my lawyer," William said while Buck loosened the guy's striped tie and the top couple of buttons of his pale blue shirt. "My daughter had a s-son. I needed to add him to m-my will."

"William adding to his will," he teased and William's lips twitched in a faint attempt at a smile. "Congrats on the grandson. Is he your first?"

"I h-have…have three…kids," William explained, eyelids fluttering, and Buck was already laying him flat by the time he heard Eddie's concerned shout above him asking for an update.

"Yeah?" Buck's hands move faster to strap William into the basket. For now, he kept William's hands by his sides rather than folded over his chest in case Buck had to start compressions. "What are their names, William?"

"J-Jenny… M…Mich-elle…" William's voice faded, his head lolling even as Buck grabbed at his face. The radio against his chest crackled with Eddie's urgent call to Bobby while Buck started running through new scenarios of how to get William out of here, fast.

"What are we looking at?"

"Probable heart attack, Cap," Eddie replied

Buck planted his fingers against William's throat, counting and comparing. The pulse was still there but it was weaker and slower than before. The fact that William was deteriorating made it clear this wasn't simply anxiety anymore. "We have to get him out," he said to Eddie. "Connect your line to the pulley when it comes back down and follow him up. It can handle the weight of both of you. I'll wait for-"

"Buck, I'm not going to just leave you-"

"Where am I gonna go?" he said, waving his free hand around the empty elevator. "You can pass on his info to Hen and Chim and be in the lobby when I get up."

"Buck-"

He looked up and fixed Eddie with a stare for the first time in a couple of shifts. "You might be older but I have more experience. The extra set of hands will be needed up _there_ if he flatlines, not _here_."

Eddie still seemed doubtful but when the rope fed through the hatch again, Buck clipped it on and checked his knots after he folded William's arms across his chest. "Are you sure about this?"

Buck rolled his eyes and squeezed his radio. "Good to go, Cap. You're towing the vic and Eddie. Have a defib handy in case he codes on the way up."

"Copy that."

The rope shifted and William began to rise. He focused on manoeuvring the basket through the hatch and above him, he could hear the clatter of metal when Eddie's feet lifted from the roof of the elevator. There was an echo of talking in the shaft, some buzz over his radio that was inconsequential, and so all Buck could do was lean his head against the wall and wait with a sigh.

Maybe it was because he had his head tipped back, staring at the hatch while waiting for the rope, that he didn't notice the gathering problem at his feet for a couple of minutes. By the time he realised something was moving around him, the water had already crept past his ankle. When he looked down and saw the undulating ripples lapping at his shoes, all he could do was freeze.

He tried to swallow but it was impossible, the pinpricks of panic flaring behind his eyes and stifling the flow of oxygen into his lungs. If William had had a heart issue, then Buck knew this was an anxiety issue even if felt like he was having a heart attack with the pain that radiated through his chest.

He stared with dazed eyes as the water rapidly rose from his ankle to his knee and once he felt it reach the top of his boots, he could feel water trickling inside the rubber and soaking his feet. He flinched at the soaked socks, recoiling from the water even though there was nowhere to go and it just made a miniature wave that saturated higher up his pants.

Fumbling for the radio at his chest, he did his best to clear his throat and not sound as terrified as he felt. "Uh, guys? How we doing on that rope?"

"Vic coded. We're doing CPR. Hang tight, Buck," Cap radioed back and Buck- No no no. Buck didn't want to hang tight. Buck _couldn't_ hang tight. William might be dying up there but Buck was going to drown down here and he wasn't sure how he didn't scream. Maybe it was simply because he was biting his lip so hard he thought he could taste blood.

"Can't, Cap," he said, wondering how hoarse his voice might sound over the radio. "Elevator's filling with water."

It was Eddie's startled voice that crackled over the radio this time. "The hell do you mean the elevator's filling with water?"

Buck's stomach churned when the water started inching up his thighs. The water wasn't wasting any time and he could only assume the basement had flooded and discovered a new place to encroach. He unclipped the radio from his belt and reattached it to his shoulder in an effort to protect the electronics from the water. "Would've thought that was self-explanatory, honestly."

"Now is not the time!" Eddie's voice echoed down the elevator shaft and if Buck hadn't been feeling like he couldn't get a proper breath into his lungs, he might've almost laughed. Or snorted. Or at least smiled.

But his clothes were getting wet and the water was getting higher and he could feel the current trying to drag him towards the doors of the elevator. He wondered if it was to do with the fire above, if maybe the sprinkler system was busted or a water tank had exploded. If the elevator doors opened, he knew he'd either be swept out or the elevator car would flood faster. For the first time all rescue, he was really hoping the elevator doors stayed shut.

He tried to focus on anything else when he heard the elevator groan under the weight of the water, tried to calculate the distance that remained between where the elevator was stuck and the actual floor. The higher the water got, the more the metal threatened to buckle and sink, the more his mind started to fracture under the weight of his dread. The movement of the water lapping at his body was too familiar after he'd waded through water in search of Chris, the sloshing sound of the water against the metal elevator walls reminding him of sitting on top of the truck.

It felt like all his muscles were locking together, clamping him to the spot, and his breathing was raggedly loud in his ears when it dawned on him that he'd lost Christopher. But- He tried blinking, hands groping until they found grey walls- This wasn't the tsunami, right? He hadn't been stuck in a box during the tsunami, had he? But where was Chris? Where'd he gone? Where-

"The rope should be almost there, Buck."

He startled so badly at the sudden sound that he lost his footing, sinking into the water that had only been at his waist but now soaked up his chest and splashed his face. The radio beeped angrily at his shoulder, likely a reminder that he shouldn't get it wet, but he could remember cars beeping and alarms wailing and terrified shouts of people caught in currents they weren't strong enough to swim against and he flailed, lacking anything to grip onto so that he could get his feet beneath him again when his boots had filled with water and were pulling him down and he could taste the water against his lips and it was bitter with salt and debris and he needed to find Chris, he needed to save Chris because if he didn't- if he couldn't find Chris- if he-

" _Buck_?!"

He wiped at his eyes, looking around for Bobby, no longer sure if his face was wet from the water or tears but the pressure against his chest was too familiar, the stick of water-logged clothes against his skin making him tremble, and he couldn't work out where Bobby's voice was coming from but maybe Bobby could help him find Chris and then Eddie wouldn't hate him and-

"Buck, you still there? Can you see the rope?"

There was a chill shivering down his spine and it was hard to focus, hard to concentrate, hard to even remember where he was or how he'd gotten back here again. It was all his nightmares come to life, it was every thought he'd ever had of drowning all over again brought into startling focus as he waved his hands around against the surges of water until he felt a cord in the middle of everything. Why was there a rope? He hadn't had a rope in the tsunami. He'd had the hose reel, stringing it across the flooded road in an attempt to catch people caught in the swells while he kept Christopher safe but then Christopher was gone and he needed to-

" _Buck_ , can you-"

The words were cut off, a garbled mess as his radio slipped under the water when the floor slipped from beneath him. There was a worrying clanking above him, around him, too loud and too dull and too heavy and too much and he knew he was sobbing when some part of his brain remembered he was in the elevator, that there was a harness at his waist. His fingers moved blindly through water as he tried to keep his head up, tried to stay afloat even though he couldn't get his feet beneath him and his water-logged boots were heavy.

He pulled on the rope twice, as hard as he could, and his hands scrabbled for the opening of the hatch when he started moving towards it too quickly. His heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest, ripping him apart like the bomb that had almost destroyed his leg, and he folded his arms over his chest, water cascading off him and splattering against the roof of the elevator car as he lifted into the elevator shaft and tried to heave breaths past the knots in his throat.

Beneath him, there was another pained groan of metal and then a rather thunderous _thud_.

His ascent towards the light was slow, like his fight towards the surface of the water when the light seemed to keep changing direction. By the time he felt hands under his arms hauling him over the edge of the shaft and laying him on his side, fingers on his cheeks prising his lips apart and fingers peeling the weight of his soaked jacket from his shoulders and fingers running over his throat to feel his pulse, he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to breathe calmly again.

"Buck? Hey. We got you, man."

"Buck, are you hurt?"

"Cap, I can't tell if-"

There was so much noise, so much touching, so much conflicting information and he couldn't process, couldn't see, couldn't focus, couldn't-

The world changed perspective again as he was yanked into a sitting position, arms folding around him. "C'mon, kid," Bobby murmured, a firm hand at the back of his neck holding his head up as he started to crumple. "You're out of there, Buck. Eddie, can you-"

Something warm and dry wrapped around his shoulders, followed by the sound of crinkling foil. His hands couldn't cooperate enough to hold it but there was a shoulder bumping into his, hands sealing the shock blanket against his stomach, and by the time it seeped into his awareness that it was all over, that it hadn't been the tsunami or a nightmare but just another call that went sideways, he felt embarrassed and ashamed and awkward at how badly he was trembling.

"S-Sorry," he mumbled, picking at the edge of the blanket before feeling the wet clothing against his skin and shuddering all over again. He needed a towel, and dry clothes, and a hairdryer, and a hoodie, and-

"It's okay to feel shaky after another close call," Bobby said, cradling his cheek and gazing into his eyes with undisguised concern. "Do we need to take you to the ER? Did you swallow any water?"

He shook his head, knowing there was no way he'd be dumb enough to swallow water this time after he'd avoided drowning last time. "I just need to change," he said, feeling almost desperate to be dry. His skin itched with discomfort every time a droplet trickled down his face.

"Alright." Bobby stared at him a moment longer before letting him go, and between Bobby and Eddie he was able to get to his feet. He tried to pretend like he didn't sag as much into his Captain as he did.

"Where are Chim and Hen?"

"Went with the 75th with William," Bobby explained, his arm tight around Buck's waist while leading him through the empty lobby. There were still hoses lining the floor, puddles of water darkening patches of carpet. His eyes scanned the arrangements, his weeks as a fire marshal already making his brain tick off probable issues with the criss-crossed spread of the hoses and ropes.

"Is he-?"

"He was holding on when we sent them with him." Bobby helped him into the truck and Eddie appeared a moment later at the other door, the ropes and reel and Buck's jacket in his hands.

Buck tried to dislodge his shoes to empty some of the water, a miniature waterfall pooling at the side of the truck that did little to ease Buck's anxiety. When he was done, he grasped at the jacket with shaking fingers, the material sodden and cold, and folded it into his chest simply because it was something to cling to as he fought the urge to cry.

"You okay?" Eddie said, stowing the equipment on a chair instead of returning the gear to the correct compartment. His fingers brushed against Buck's knees, his brown eyes reflecting some of Buck's terror.

Buck attempted a tired smile but he wondered if Eddie saw how fragile it really was. "How many lives have I used up now?"

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come join me or talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	2. Chapter 2

**Word Count:** 3,756  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter includes discussions of depression, suicidal ideation, and excessive alcohol consumption.

* * *

Once Buck had returned to the firehouse, he knew he should have a shower. Who knew what was inside the water that covered him? Yet the thought of voluntarily adding _more_ water to his skin made him shudder, memories and nightmares blurring and tugging at the edge of his awareness and threatening to draw him deeper and deeper.

He gathered the spare uniform from his locker and headed for the showers, peeling soaked fabric from his shoulders and hips because more than anything he was just desperate to be dry. His shirt hit the floor with a _thwap_ and he took the time to trace over his skin to check for any cuts or bruises, relieved when he couldn't find anything out of the ordinary although he'd have to ask Hen to replace the bandage around his arm again.

By the time he was changed into dry clothes, rubbing a towel against his hair as he emerged from the bathroom, he felt slightly less of a wreck. He went in search of coffee upstairs, the towel snug around his shoulders for a source of comfort in the absence of a hoodie.

"Buck!" Hen swept her arms around him as soon as he approached the kitchen, a hand pressing against his cheek so she could gaze into his eyes. "How are you?"

He shook her off him as politely as possible, adjusting the towel around his neck to catch any lingering drops from his hair and avoid the harmless dripping that made him shiver for reasons other than it tickling. "I'm fine. How's William?"

Her face slipped, the glint in her eyes fading, and he knew without her saying anything that it hadn't been a good outcome. He nodded at her wordlessly, turning towards the coffee and pouring himself a mug. He could feel Chim staring at him from the table and wondered if the guy had already texted his sister about what had happened in the elevator. If she didn't know, he probably owed her a call to let her know he'd cheated death again before she found out through someone at the 118.

"I'm okay," he said to Chim, hoping the words seemed believable enough, as he drifted to the couch and sank into the cushions. He was halfway through the mug, lost in musings about William, and questioning if he should have sent William before the first guy, and all the memories that rattled at the cages, when the alarms shattered the silence again. Part of him wondered if he even had to go, if he could just stay where he was until the end of shift, but some shifts were a non-stop barrage of problems and people in need and he knew he had to get up and keep going because that was his job. That was the job he'd fought to return to. Someone else needed him. He could fall apart later.

He abandoned his unfinished coffee near the sink as he moved through the molasses of time and space to descend the stairs and haul himself into the truck when all he really wanted to do was sleep until next week. He noted Bobby yelling for the ambulance to accompany them but everything seemed distant and less real. His jacket was still in the truck, slung over the back of his chair and damp. He tried to adjust it in such a way that he didn't have to feel the wet material anywhere near his skin while the engine rumbled to life. He stared out the window at the blur of the streets and cars and people outside, his thoughts still drifting to William, to the elevator, to the desperate feeling of being trapped as they raced to the next call.

The truck slowed and then stopped on a bridge. Buck glanced out the window to see the array of cars being held up by something ahead of them. It also meant that the truck was blocked, which rarely boded well.

"We get out here and walk," Bobby announced and Buck climbed out of the truck, blinking against the light reflecting off all the cars before he started following Chimney. "Buck!"

He turned. "Cap?"

"I told you to take an extra few minutes to put on your rappelling gear. We've got a potential jumper. I need you and Eddie on this."

Buck's eyes slid from Bobby's to Eddie over Bobby's shoulder, who was cinching ropes and carabiners around his waist for the second time that day. He could only hope that the person this year didn't have a gun or a dressing gown on with nothing beneath it. He couldn't handle either of those today.

He silently put on the required gear and walked half a dozen steps in front of Eddie, who seemed to deliberately lag behind.

"I don't want that!"

He flinched at the voice, high-pitched and female, but kept walking. He could see a few police officers nearby, chatting with Bobby who was probably getting the most up-to-date details. He waited, hearing the clank of Eddie's equipment stop behind him.

"Another crew have already set up below, so if she falls off then it will be fine. Ideally, we get her back up and then off to a psych hold for 72 hours," Bobby explained and Buck nodded, biting his lip and then trying his best to steel himself to another conversation that played far too close to his emotions after the call this morning.

He approached the overpass slowly until he could see sunlight dancing off blonde hair below. He looked towards Eddie, the unspoken question probably obvious in his expression.

"You did better at this than me last time," Eddie said quietly and, well… That was true but it didn't mean he had the confidence to be able to pull it off again. Not when he still felt wobbly from this morning. Not when his jacket was heavier than usual, the damp fabric brushing over exposed skin and making him want to burn the damn thing.

But this girl needed him and that's what the job required, so he leaned over the edge and guessed that the girl couldn't have been much older than May.

"Hi," he said, startling her into covering her chest and leaping back a couple of steps. Her eyes were wide, red with tears, and her bottom lip was quivering. "I'm Buck. What's your name?"

She stared at him and he passed his belay line towards Eddie, feeling Eddie's hands catch the rope and then secure it to his own harness. He wanted to climb down already but he didn't feel like freaking the girl out more.

"Can I join you?" he said and she continued staring at him, fresh tears streaking down her face. He glanced towards Eddie, who gave him a thumbs up. Inhaling deeply, he slid one leg over the railing.

"No! No, don't come here!" the girl cried, shrinking in on herself to crouch against the narrow floor. "I don't want- Please- I- I don't want anyone else getting hurt."

He tugged at the rope and shot her a smile. "I won't get hurt. This prevents me falling and getting hurt, and that right there?" He pointed at the giant yellow inflated mattress beneath them. "That's in case you slip so that _you_ don't get hurt."

The girl shook her head, a sob bubbling past her lips, but Buck felt a whole lot better when his feet hit the platform. He gave a couple more tugs of the rope and Eddie let loose enough slack so that he could kneel beside her.

"So I still don't know your name," he said, looking out at the highway below, "but I'd really like to listen to you."

She sniffled and tugged at her hair. "N-No, you don't. You just wanna take me away."

"I mean, I'd like you to be safe," he agreed, gesturing towards the mattress. "And even with that there, I think we can do better. Do you want us to call someone? Your mom or dad?"

"They're d-dead."

Oh.

"They… They d-died in the tsunami."

Oh shit.

He curled his hands by his side, wondering if this day would ever stop stabbing him in the heart and the guts, and gradually lowered himself so he could sit on the platform, legs hanging off the edge. He felt a tug on his rope, a warning tug from Eddie, which he guessed was a nice acknowledgement that Eddie cared in some way even when everything between them lately felt raw and fragile.

"Were you in the tsunami too?" he said, leaning his head against the wall and gazing at her. Now that he had a closer look, he was starting to think she was _very_ similar to May's age. His heart felt sore at the thought of May losing Athena, or Bobby, or Michael.

She nodded, a shuddering breath leaving her lungs. "We- We were in our c-car and…I w-was able to get out the back w-window but they…they drowned inside it b-because they couldn't g-get their d-doors open and I- I was stuck on top of the car for _hours_ a-and it… It… I c-can't…"

"H-Hey, I get it." He shivered with his own memories of being stuck on top of the fire truck with Chris, of the guy in a car he'd promised to come back to after saving the woman clinging to a tree, only to discover he couldn't get the door open either with the pressure of the water still swirling against the car. It was only a few hours ago that he'd felt like he was in that same space again, terrified of drowning and feeling utterly helpless as he felt the rising water creep up his body. "I was there too. Right in the middle of it."

"You went in as a rescuer. That doesn't-"

"No," he said, a little sharp and drawing her surprised eyes towards him because as much as he didn't want to talk about the tsunami today, he wanted to think about the elevator even less. "I was on the pier. I saw the wave coming. I was _there_."

"Y-You- You survived the _pier_?"

He nodded, swallowing against the lump in his throat and struggling to remember how to breathe regularly when she looked at him like that. It hurt to remember. It hurt to voluntarily find himself back in that place again. If they had any other tsunami-style calls today, he was telling Bobby to go to hell and deal with it without him. This was too much on his first 'official' day returning to calls.

"Wow," she whispered, turning her attention back towards the highway below. "I- How do you- H-How do you cope with it?"

He didn't think admitting to the many times he drank himself to sleep was a smart idea, or how he'd taken out a lawsuit that nearly cost him all his friends, so he shrugged. "I'm not sure I am," he said, fiddling with his harness. "Some days are more difficult than others. Most nights are awful. Today has been rough," he said with a brittle smile that she tentatively returned. "But I- I'm just trying to keep going, as best as I can. To keep fighting."

He looked towards her again, at her tear-stained and flushed cheeks. There was a glimmer in her eyes that he recognised, the haunted survivor look that he had seen in Christopher's expression after Eddie had kept dropping him off for babysitting duties. He wished he could erase it. Time after time, he wished he could make it go away.

"I don't know h-how to keep going without them," she conceded, her voice wobbling. "I'm all a-alone now. I don't want to go to c-college anymore. I don't know h-how to live anymore."

He held out a hand to her and after a long moment where she seemed to struggle with knowing what to do, she threaded her fingers between his.

"I don't know how to keep going sometimes either," he said, squeezing her hand. "But there'll be something, okay? Maybe you don't see it just yet, but there'll be something."

She clung to his hand the entire time that Eddie helped haul him back up to the overpass, and then she wrapped her arms around his chest while he held her against him, running fingers through her hair and trying to find any words of wisdom that he thought might provide comfort. He could feel Eddie's eyes on him, and he knew the rest of the team had to be watching too, but he ignored it all because right now, this girl had his attention and this girl needed him and this girl was capable of expressing the grief that Buck hadn't even begun trying to process.

"Victoria," she whispered when she pulled away, rubbing at her face and meeting his eyes with an unsteady smile. "My name. I- I know I should probably thank you but I'm not feeling a lot of gratitude."

"You don't need to thank me." He lightly squeezed her shoulders, offering an unsteady smile of his own. "You just need to fight a little longer, okay?"

She nodded and he let Hen draw her towards the ambulance, watching Victoria go with a pounding heart and erratic breathing.

"Hey, nice save," Bobby said, clasping at and rubbing his shoulder. "You okay?"

He wasn't. He wasn't sure when he'd last been okay. After today, he wasn't sure if he'd ever be okay again. Every memory, every nightmare, was hitting him simultaneously and threatening to make his knees give out on him. The damp jacket wasn't helping. He needed to get rid of it.

But he tried to find a smile and nodded, fingers already loosening his harness. "I'm fine, Cap."

He missed the look exchanged between Bobby and Eddie behind him, and the way Eddie's mouth opened and closed a few times around words he couldn't speak. And Buck didn't think he'd even be able to reply if Eddie _had_ spoken to him. Eddie might have claimed they were part of a team but Buck still felt so disconnected, so alienated from months of jokes that had developed in his absence which he no longer understood. It wasn't that the team were being cruel; they simply didn't realise he felt like he was on the outside of everything.

The return to the 118 was silent and he'd drifted to subsequent calls in a daze, following Bobby's orders and Eddie's lead because he didn't trust his own thoughts. He thought he could remember eating dinner but maybe that had been last shift? Had he spoken to anyone at the firehouse after the call with Victoria? He could dimly recall engaging in decision-making conversations on subsequent calls but what about the idle chit-chat to fill in time between the blaring alarms? He couldn't remember. And he knew that was his fault, that the lawsuit had forced him to put up walls that he hadn't yet been able to remove, and he knew that the calls with William and Victoria had pierced his layers, seeping under his skin and rattling at the cages of his soul. Talking to anyone else about irrelevant information after exposing the vulnerable parts of himself to a stranger had been impossible and the loss of William from something that should have been preventable stung.

But even now that he was back on the job properly, he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone with any real degree of freedom. It hadn't even dawned on him until he was greeted by the silence of his apartment that the same sort of silence greeted him when he clearly interrupted a conversation or how Eddie had been steadfastly ignoring him most of the shift when Buck had been dealing with small children demanding Halloween candy.

There was a pain in his chest that hadn't abated for the past few weeks but thinking about Eddie's dark eyes and the furious press of his lips at the grocery store seemed to flare the ache to life. It pulsed in his stomach and sent ripples of pain into his throat, down to his fingers, and made his toes curl in his socks. Eddie said he was forgiven, said he was part of the team, but was he _really_?

The only way he'd found to dull the pain, the thoughts, and the memories of the tsunami was a whole lot of alcohol. Surely he still had a bottle of vodka somewhere in his kitchen…

He curled onto his couch with the bottle, sipping silently and staring at the blank screen of the television in front of him. His phone buzzed periodically with messages from Maddie, asking how he was and if he'd eaten and whether he wanted company. He managed to deflect her gentle inquiries enough that she conceded to being available if he needed and then the phone fell mercilessly quiet, unlike the thoughts and memories that flickered behind his eyes.

* * *

The water lapped higher and higher, passing his shoulders and creeping up his neck. He tried tilting back his head, tried to keep his mouth higher than the water, but his nose brushed against the roof of the elevator and there were scant inches of space to breathe. The metal groaned and clanged threateningly and he scraped at whatever surface he could, searching for a way out, searching for anything that might save him, searching for-

He jerked awake just as the elevator gave way beneath him and he flinched at the shattering sound of glass. It took him several fuzzy seconds to realise the glass wasn't someone breaking in, or the tree outside piercing his kitchen window, but his own erratic movement hurling the vodka bottle towards the kitchen and scattering shards across the floor. An arc of liquid and splashed puddles were also necessary messes to clean up.

He stood, a ripple of pain skittering down his leg because he'd been curled and cramped for too long, and shuffled forward to avoid lifting his feet and stepping on a piece of glass. The last thing he really needed was to have to bandage his foot or ask Hen to come over and peel glass from his sole. He didn't need anyone asking questions about why he'd been drinking, or how the bottle had broken, or why he hadn't been in bed. He needed Bobby to believe he was okay and he needed everyone else to believe it too.

Even as careful as he tried to be, his fingers still caught a few too many sharp edges. Once he was mostly done with gathering the worst of the broken pieces, he was forced to hold onto a towel with his fists set against the top of his head and tried to ignore the trembling of his shoulders when he looked at the red streaks that stained his palms and reminded him of another time when he'd extended bloodied hands to strangers in desperate attempts to locate Christopher.

He wondered if it was too early to go running because he suspected he wasn't going to be able to find any extra sleep.

* * *

Buck had learned the easiest way around the cuts to his fingers had been to pull on t-shirts and sweaters but what he'd been afraid of in the downtime was the next shift and the battle that the buttons of his shirt would pose. He'd been one of the first to arrive simply because he knew it would take longer, because the bandaids around his fingers made everything about poking buttons through buttonholes more complicated. Sometimes his senses were dulled and sometimes the shiny plastic slipped over the bandaid and sometimes he pressed against a cut that was painful.

So he might have been one of the first to arrive but he was also the last to finish getting dressed.

"What's wrong with your hands?" Eddie asked as he re-entered the change room to dig out his LAFD fleece.

"Nothing?" Buck attempted but the lie sounded flimsy to him as he successfully poked the last button into place.

Tan, calloused hands grasped his and turned them palm up, exposing the litany of bandaids. "If you're calling _this_ nothing, then-"

"I dropped a glass," Buck said, because at least that lie had been rehearsed for days and _almost_ sounded believable, "and I was clumsy picking up the pieces."

Eddie stared at him with narrowed eyes, thumbs brushing over some of the pads of his fingers. It was laced with a sense of care Buck hadn't felt from Eddie in weeks, ever since the lawsuit, and his eyes dropped because maybe all his fears were painted across his cheeks and-

He frowned, fingers curling around Eddie's. "What happened to _your_ hands?"

A couple of knuckles were split and there was some speckled bruising spreading towards Eddie's left sleeve. Eddie tried to pull away from him but Buck held on, his gaze lifting to assess the look in Eddie's eyes that he didn't recognise, didn't understand, and most definitely didn't like.

"I didn't strap properly before taking on the bag in the gym," Eddie said and it was too smooth, too calm, and such a blatant lie that it made Buck realise that Eddie couldn't possibly have forgiven him if they still weren't talking to each other about anything that actually _mattered_. They were both steeped in secrets and even though his skin had prickled at the contact, it didn't feel good to hold on to Eddie anymore. The person in front of him almost seemed like a stranger with the unfamiliar set of his jaw and the creased brow.

"Well, you'd better make sure you do it properly in the future," he said, letting his grip fall away so he could tuck in his shirt and fix the fold of his collar. "If you break your hands, lives will be lost, Eddie."

Eddie stared at him with something unreadable in his expression before they left the change room and moved upstairs for coffee and second breakfast. Buck wasn't sure if he was more curious about Eddie's distance and bruised hands or if Eddie had questions about his silence and questioning glances but they managed to participate in whatever conversation Hen, Chim and Bobby had going.

The sirens rang just before they were finished eating and Buck was almost grateful for the distraction of a suspected gas leak at one of the nearby malls.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come join me or talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Word Count:** 3,324  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter refers to victim injuries in a rescue.

* * *

It had been a relatively slow shift by their standards, with a kid stuck in a vending machine and a woman locked inside her bathroom after her dogs had turned feral, which meant that Buck's restless night of sleep wasn't being tested with difficult decisions or calls that involved water. He'd managed to avoid cleaning the lunch dishes when the call about the woman had come through and when they'd gotten back, Hen had challenged him to a video game and Eddie and Chim had moved towards the dishes. The thought of putting his hands in the water, the mystery of what he might touch beneath the bubbles… It had haunted him most of the time he'd been hanging back and listening to Bobby and Athena discuss whether to get animal control to the call.

He'd been hanging back during a lot of the calls the past couple of shifts, the sliced pads of his fingers taking longer to heal than anticipated and creating sensory issues when he put on his gloves and couldn't feel properly through the multiple layers of padding. If he didn't wear the bandaids, he risked re-opening the wounds and the last thing he wanted was freaking everyone out with bloodied hands or gloves.

The bells clanged and he discarded the controller, falling into step with Hen as they descended the stairs and climbed into the truck. Bobby began running through the sit-rep, detailing that a car had crashed through a shop window and the driver was down from unknown causes. There were fears of a fire, of people trapped inside the shop or under the car, and Buck picked at the bandaids while he listened to the issuing of job roles and expectations.

He wanted to protest when Bobby said he was on fire monitoring and checking those who had escaped the shop. What was the use of going on a call when he couldn't actually _help_ on the call? His hands might not be the most useful but surely he could do better than stand back and _watch_?

But he swiped his tongue across his lips, balled his hands, and fought the words down again. It wasn't the same as when he'd first started – and thankfully he hadn't had any close shaves that involved water or recalling the tsunami – but he felt like he had to keep proving himself again, that he needed to earn their trust that he could deliver results. And that was hard to do when avoiding injuries that might make him bleed everywhere, like injuring his hands.

He knew all that but it didn't make it any easier to watch Hen and Chimney run towards the driver or Eddie retrieve the jaws to prise the car apart or Bobby requesting another team of firefighters check the uprights beneath the shopfront to avoid it collapsing on top of Hen, Chim and Eddie.

"Can you help me?"

Buck turned to see a blonde girl with green eyes standing beside him. She looked younger than Chris, maybe about seven, with a nasty gash on her head which left trails of blood down her face and neck. His eyes flickered with memories of other children with blood on their faces and he shook it away so he didn't scare her.

"Hey, sweetie." He crouched and held out a hand, unsure whether he could coax her closer. "Were you in the shop?"

She nodded, big eyes looking close to tears as she stared at him. "My mommy and I were having m-milkshakes and then she pushed m-me out of my chair and- and-" A sob passed her lips as she inched towards him, letting Buck touch her arm and then leaning into the other that traced the cut on her head. "I don't know what h-happened. E-Everything just went b- _bang_."

"It's okay." He could tell the laceration on her head would need stitches, but it seemed like her hairline would cover the worst of the scar. "You're okay now, kiddo. We'll take care of you. Where's your mom?"

"I don't know." The girl's lower lip wobbled as her green eyes looked towards the shop. "I haven't been able to find her."

The air in Buck's lungs stuck as he stared at the tears which began to spill down her cheeks, mingling with the blood and making an even worse mess on her face. "Alright, alright. We'll find her. That's our jobs. What's your name? What's _her_ name?"

"I'm L-Lucy," she said, folding her arms around Buck's neck and startling him into gripping her tighter. "My mommy is B-Beth."

"Okay, Lucy." He swept the girl into his arms like he had with Christopher after the tsunami, propping her on his hip as he reached for the radio at his shoulder. "Hey everyone, be advised. We've got an unaccompanied tender age survivor. Mother is called Beth, possibly still trapped in the building."

He saw Bobby look over his shoulder, nodding as he received the message and pointing Buck towards the waiting ambulances. Buck attempted to shield Lucy from seeing the crash site as he carried her, gathering information about what Beth was wearing, whether she knew of any medical conditions, how old she was. When they reached the paramedics, Lucy wouldn't stop clinging to him while her head was examined and a light was passed in front of her eyes.

"She'll need stitches. Probable Grade One concussion," the paramedic from the 105th said.

"Not without my m-mom," Lucy protested, fingers clenched into Buck's jacket. "I want my mommy."

"I know and we'll find her," he promised, touching fingertips to her bloodied cheek and wishing he could clear the blood away. "But your mom would want you to be taken care of too and right now, that's what we have to do. She'll want to know you're okay."

Lucy looked unconvinced but loosened her grip and then pouted. "Will you come too?"

He smiled at how much she reminded him of Christopher. "I need to stay here to do my job but I'll tell you what. I'll stop by the hospital to see you when you don't look like someone from a scary Halloween movie."

She managed a tiny smile at that and nodded, and the paramedic in the back of the van nodded at him as he climbed from the cab and returned to surveying the scene. At least two other trucks had arrived, setting up supports at the front of the shop, crawling amid the debris in search of other survivors and victims. He could see several people milling around at the police cordon with cuts and blood-stained clothes and dazed expressions but no one looked affected seriously enough to require immediate assistance, nor did anyone have a blue skirt and black top that matched the description Lucy had given him.

He could see Hen, Chimney and a couple of paramedics extracting the driver from the back window of the car onto a backboard. He looked old and even at this distance, Buck could see the blood that was smeared over his face and stained his clothing. Bobby was pointing at one of the supports, gesturing at the person who was cranking it into place.

And then there was a shout, and a scream, and a few other shouts and Buck was leaping into action to grab an extinguisher out of a panel off the nearest truck. The driver was wheeled away by jogging paramedics and other members of the LAFD were escaping the impending carnage but Buck was moving towards the spark, pulling the pin in the extinguisher and trying to determine where to aim it first. Where was Eddie? Was he inside the shop? He barely had time to cast his eyes around to look because he needed to get rid of the fire.

"Buck!"

"I got this, Cap!" he shouted, spraying the car as flames erupted beneath the chassis and started licking at the metal. He could hear other screams within the shop, people who had been trapped by the car now trapped by a new form of inescapable terror.

"Buck! Get _back_!"

"I'm-"

The car exploded in front of him, lifting him off his feet and throwing him onto his back. It knocked the air from his lungs, heat flashing against his face, and he could feel glass spray over him in jagged razor blades that bit into his flesh and tinkled onto the road around him. The extinguisher clattered from his grasp, rolling across the ground, and all he could do was stare dumbly. There was a high-pitched ringing in his ears and it was irritating. He blinked, lifting a heavy arm towards his head, and tried to understand why there was blue sky above his head. For a split second, he couldn't comprehend the abrupt change in perspective.

And then with a _snap_ , awareness returned and he could feel the pain radiating across his shoulders and towards his tailbone. There was a dull ache in his skull which thudded in time with his heartbeat. There were pinpricks of pain all over his face that felt sharp and scratchy.

"Ow…" he muttered, blinking at the blue expanse above him and wondering why he was underwater and whether this was another dream or whether he was back in the water.

"Buck?" Hands grasped his burning shoulders and squeezed hard enough to focus his eyes on Bobby's face swimming in and out of focus above him. "Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, Cap," he mumbled, though everything seemed a bit hazy around the edges and he still had the ringing in his ears and a lot of confusion over where he was and how he'd gotten there. "Just a knock to the head, man. I'll be okay."

Bobby's eyes were wide but his lips were thin with fury. Buck put that down as a thing to deal with later. There was something strapped around his neck and Bobby's hands helped roll him onto his side as a backboard was slid beneath him. Weak protests immediately fell from his lips as he was carried to the make-shift triage area near a waiting fleet of ambulances.

"Someone check him out," he heard Bobby's voice order and Buck felt hands at his feet, loosening his boots and testing whether he could feel all his toes.

"Where's Beth?" he asked suddenly, not even fully cognizant of who Beth was but knowing she was important.

But Bobby had already gone, leaving him with unfamiliar medics who forced him through a series of tests to clear him of spinal damage, and then began the concussion tests, and then peeled his jacket from his shoulders to examine whether glass had pierced the fabric. When he sat up and tried to avoid wincing, another guy fussed with plucking shards of glass from his face and rinsing his eyes.

He avoided focusing on the pain by fixating on the shopfront. It was engulfed now, with firefighters zipping back and forth with hoses and extinguishers. Buck had no idea if Beth had been found in the chaos. He could only hope she had. He caught a glimpse of the back of Eddie's jacket and that was enough of a relief that he hadn't been inside when everything had exploded.

When the paramedics finally announced they were satisfied he didn't have any immediate damage, he sat through their detailed concerns about the risks of the blood thinners during the next twenty-four hours. Despite how much he wanted to help with the unfolding horror in front of him, they refused to let him leave the triage area until the 118 were done. Something about bleeding through his eyes or fingernails if he was left unsupervised.

Even so, sitting and watching the flames lick at the walls of the building while firefighters scurried back and forth was even worse than Bobby benching him for so long after the clot, and then the tsunami, and then the lawsuit.

* * *

Although Hen doubted he had a concussion, she still checked his responses every half hour for the rest of shift and ensured a steady stream of ice packs were applied to his shoulders to minimise the bruising. Bobby didn't seem _mad_ , exactly, but he did seem wary of allowing Buck on any further calls. It was frustrating and Buck wanted to tear at tufts of hair, but if he were honest then he didn't really feel like he could concentrate anyway. Every time his attention drifted, he saw the image of Beth's crumpled and twisted body, the burned clothing that was attached to her skin, and then he'd blink and see Christopher being wrenched from his arms by a wave of water, or the searing pain of the truck crushing his leg, or-

He sucked in a breath, leaning his head against the wall outside the station and tried to think of something – anything – else. If someone saw a firefighter having a breakdown, it probably wouldn't add much credibility to their jobs or his desperation to prove to Bobby that he was okay, that he could do this job that he'd fought so hard to get back to and show Bobby he could do everything demanded of him.

"That was a tough one this morning," Chimney said, appearing around the corner and leaning against the wall next to him. "What are you going to do when you get off shift?"

Buck hadn't really thought about it, but he also hated how easily the others could shake things off after horrific calls and look towards the future again. Maybe it was because there had been so many horrors he'd had to see lately and he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone about how he felt. Lawsuit – and the bridges he'd burned because of it – aside, talking to Maddie risked her telling Chimney, which meant Bobby would quickly find out. Anyone else at the firehouse would do the same by tattling to Bobby if he exposed even the slightest trace of vulnerability. Sometimes that was why he missed Abby and Ali, because they were a step removed from the house and it was safer to talk to them. But now that he had no one-

"Buck?"

He'd been silent too long and Chimney's arched eyebrow made it clear that was unusual for him.

"Probably read a book or watch a movie," he shrugged, having no real intention to do either. "What about you?"

"Well I was thinking of taking Maddie to dinner and-"

Buck tuned out the rest but he nodded politely from time to time until Chimney was apparently done talking and wandered back into the house and left Buck in peace.

It wasn't long before the alarms went off again and the trucks pulled out of the 118 and all Buck could do was watch forlornly from his spot against the wall.

He spent the entire time that the trucks were out itching to leave. It was painful watching the seconds tick, pacing the rafters strung above the floor, until the trucks returned and the crew chatted about another call that left him on the outs.

When he was finally done, when he could finally flee, he shouldn't have been surprised to see Eddie and Bobby approaching him as he finished tying his shoelaces. He tried to slow the bouncing knee thing he had going, the anxiety to get home and break down almost overwhelming him. It had been cresting all day, this feeling of _uselessness_ and _failure_ and he wanted to pummel his pillows and then sink beneath them until he could sleep. It was probably a fruitless hope – when had he last slept well? – but he wanted it nonetheless.

But as Eddie and Bobby stood in front of him, he did his best to stitch together a front that showed he was okay and ready to leave.

"Hen thinks you need to be monitored overnight," Bobby began and Buck gritted his teeth to avoid letting loose the words he really wanted to say. "She's concerned you could still end up with a delayed concussion or suffer internal bleeding from that explosion this morning."

Buck stared at his Captain for a long moment, fingers twisting into the loose folds of his jeans. If Bobby noticed, he didn't say anything.

"I'll ask Maddie to look in on me," he said when it seemed as though Bobby was waiting on an easy acquiescence. Which Buck had no intention of providing.

"She wants you to go home with one of us. She's not even comfortable with you driving."

"That's really not-"

"This is not up for discussion or debate, Buckley," Bobby said, an edge of steel creeping into his voice. It was the sound of the Captain ordering him to do something, putting distance between their friendship to ensure Buck looked out for his wellbeing. He wasn't sure how it made him feel that he needed to be _ordered_ to do something as simple as monitor for some bruising. "We thought we'd at least give you the chance to choose who-"

"I'm going home," he said, checking his watch and seeing it was a minute after his shift was meant to have finished. He got to his feet, lifting his bag over his shoulder and ignoring the flash of pain in his back when he did so. "I don't need a babysitter, but thanks."

"This isn't-"

"See you!" he called as he made a hasty departure from the locker room, nodding at a few of the other guys changing for the shift handover and blocking out Bobby's calls behind him because he wasn't wrong. He was a fully grown adult. He'd survived a tsunami when none of his team, his friends, his _family_ , even knew he'd been missing or that Christopher had been lost somewhere among the water and the carnage. He didn't need a babysitter. He didn't need them to fuss around him _now_. He'd spent weeks on his own because of the lawsuit. He could handle a few bruises.

He was almost at his car, fumbling for his keys in a side-pocket of his bag, when a hand clamped around his wrist and forced him to turn around. He was shoved somewhat roughly against Hen's car, a soft whimper escaping him when the metal hit a spot that had to be bruised despite the icepacks.

He shut his mind to the ache and bit back a tired sigh. "Eddie-"

"Will you stop being such a stubborn asshole and allow us to make sure you don't almost die on us, _again_?" Eddie said, his eyes narrow and sparkling with anger as he crowded into Buck's space. His grip remained tight on Buck's wrist and though Buck could have wrenched Eddie's hand away, he didn't particularly feel like breaking his best friend's wrist by slamming him on the ground. He was too exhausted for that, anyway.

But Eddie's anger, his determination, the obvious fury that dripped off his words… It gradually sank into Buck's tired brain and beneath the layers of skin, deflating his annoyance because Eddie was just trying to _care_ in his messy, broken sort of way.

He released a frustrated sigh that made him feel like he was a shrinking balloon without any sort of control over his own decisions.

"Fine," he conceded, shaking Eddie's hand off him and adjusting the strap of his gym bag on his shoulder. "I'll go back to your place while you collect Christopher from Abuela's?"

It sounded awfully domestic. Eddie didn't seem to pick up on the reasons behind Buck's uncomfortable shifting because some of the darkness in his expression cleared and he nodded, rolling his shoulders back. Buck would've sworn his eyes changed to be three shades lighter if anyone had asked.

"I'll see you at home."

And if that didn't cause weird jumping sensations in Buck's stomach while he watched Eddie walk back into the station to collect his gear, nothing would.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come join me or talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	4. Chapter 4

**Word Count:** 4,876  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter contains a nightmare and some references to scenes/images in the tsunami episodes.

* * *

Seeing Christopher was usually a balm to even the worst sort of horrors on the job, but Buck knew that Chris' bright grin and giggles didn't have the same impact on his smile or his anxiety. Every time he looked at Chris, he could see Lucy for a brief flash. He kept thinking about how the little girl had lost her mother and Buck hadn't even been able to go to the hospital and visit like he'd promised. By tomorrow, she'd probably be discharged and lost to the system.

He remembered Bobby's words to him, that he was meant to leave the victims at the door, but a kid like her… It reminded him of Christopher in the tsunami, and sometimes he looked at Chris and could see that giant wave coming towards them, breath stuttering in his lungs as raw terror enveloped him all over again. He could still recall how his first instinct had been to save Chris, to save Eddie's son, and to hell with his own safety or life because he didn't matter to anyone as much as Christopher mattered to Eddie.

And then when he'd _lost_ Chris off the truck, when he'd been slammed and swirled around in the water and started wondering if he wasn't meant to just give up and die-

"Hey." Eddie's hand brushed against his shoulder as he returned to the living room with a bowl of popcorn, the click-clack of Chris' crutches in the corridor as he fetched a DVD offering a few moments to talk. The suddenness of the touch just about made Buck leap out of his skin and the furrow between Eddie's eyebrow confirmed his distance had been more obvious than he would have liked. "Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere special like Hawaii or Paris," he joked but Eddie was still frowning at him as he set the popcorn on the table and sat on the couch beside Buck, just enough distance between them that they weren't touching and yet he could still feel the warmth and life of Eddie's body and he wondered – not for the first time – why Eddie continued to let him come around, or look after Chris. Claims of 'trust' felt like such a fickle concept when Eddie's son had nearly died because of Buck.

"You've been through a lot the past few months-" Eddie started but Buck waved the words away, aware that Christopher was on the return trip judging by the sounds in the hall.

"Haven't we all? I'm fine. Honestly." He smiled, hoping it reached his eyes for the first time all day, but Eddie looked unconvinced and Buck decided he needed to obtain some space to derail the entire conversation before it gathered too much momentum. "I'm gonna use the toilet before we start so I don't interrupt it."

It was a lame excuse but Eddie let him go. Buck ruffled Chris' hair as he passed, making Chris giggle and protest with a " _Buuuuuuck!_ " that usually made a smile cross his lips but now…

He shook his head, closing the door of the bathroom and pressing his head to the timber with a deep inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

"Get it together, Buckley," he muttered to himself, pressing the heel of his hands into his eyes and trying to shake off the exhaustion that felt like it had been carved into his bones, or the jumble of emotions about Lucy and Beth that he couldn't dislodge from his heart, or the suffocating feeling of water seeping into his lungs and the panic of not knowing where Christopher was. _This_ was the hardest part about being forced to hang out with someone from the house after an emotionally gruelling day: he had no opportunity to decompress. He'd rather just go to a bar until his eyes were crossed and he couldn't stand anymore, or look at the TV with a bottle of something strong in his hand in his apartment while silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Trying to keep up the pretence that he was okay was exhausting, and he was tired enough already after another shitty night of sleep because the nightmares had been terrible since getting stuck in that elevator.

But pretences were his entire _thing_ right now so he flushed the toilet and washed his hands, splashed some cool water on his face and avoided looking at himself in the mirror. If he did, he tended to linger too long over the stranger that stared back. At some point during the lawsuit, he'd stopped knowing who he was. He'd never seen himself as someone that would sue the LAFD, or sue _anyone_ that he considered family. Not when the job had been a lifeline when he'd needed it the most. He hadn't expected to screw his teammates over either, abandoning them when maybe they'd needed him too.

So that guy in the mirror…

He'd first noticed that it was something about his eyes. They weren't as blue anymore, like the water had stolen the colour along with his ability to sleep. And then the lavender had started seeping in beneath his eyes, contrasting with the pallid colour of his cheeks.

When he'd realised his skin no longer fit properly, he stopped looking at himself. He knew he wasn't the same person he was when he'd started at the 118 before he'd met Abby. She'd changed him, in ways he hadn't even been able to trace until now, when he was forced to evaluate if Buck 2.0 was someone he could be satisfied with or if he needed to shed that too. After the bombing, and the clot, and the tsunami, he felt like some sort of Buck 2.5 or 3.0, someone that looked like him but no longer functioned like him. A robot or something out of some Body Snatchers film. When he looked at himself in a mirror, he saw someone that logically his brain _knew_ was him and yet emotionally, could've been some guy on the street with blond hair and pale blue eyes and a birthmark over his left eye that he'd never seen before.

Chris was curled under Eddie's arm in the middle of the couch by the time he returned to the living room, the menu for _Inside Out_ glowing on the screen.

"What's this one about then?" he said as he settled on Chris' other side, squashing himself against the arm of the couch and letting Chris spread his feet into Buck's lap.

"Dealing with your feelings," Chris said with his goofy grin that ordinarily rivalled the sun's power on the darkest of days.

Buck made some sort of acknowledging hum, ignoring how he could feel Eddie's eyes on him, and absently started rubbing Chris' feet and ankles so that he had a way to disguise his trembling hands.

* * *

The movie was…enjoyable, he supposed, but it occurred to Buck while he was watching it that beneath all the bright colours and sassy dialogue that his emotions were just as out of whack as the kid in the film.

As a firefighter, he had spent a lot of time suppressing fear. It was a major hazard to the job if he started second-guessing his safety or decisions when facing a wall of flames, but since the tsunami, he knew it better than his own reflection. He couldn't even _think_ about having a bath without breaking into a cold sweat and the thought of being near a pool or the ocean made him start to hyperventilate if he wasn't more vigilant when his thoughts started to drift. In the week after the tsunami, he'd struggled with actions as basic as showering or washing his hands. He'd nearly ripped his bathroom sink apart when he'd noticed a dripping sound in the dead of night because no amount of pillows over his head had managed to block it out.

And that didn't even take into account how he'd felt after the clot, or the truck, or his inability to cope with Ali breaking up with him, or the loneliness of rehab, or the desperation to reach out to Eddie because of Shannon's death but being too selfishly trapped in his own head to pick up the phone.

He could also recognise that, though he lacked the constant tears, he empathised with Sadness in the film. He could barely remember what true joy felt like, rubbing at his chest for the echoes of emotions that had abandoned him long ago. Without joy, with the oppressive sadness and fear taking control of him lately, he'd been searching for ways to make everything numb and yet simultaneously escape the void that surrounded him. Maybe that meant he made stupid decisions, like rushing rehab steps or sending Eddie with a vic before an elevator started to flood or running towards an exploding car, but he needed to operate as normal to everyone on the outside lest he tip them off about the emotional turmoil on the inside.

"What'd you think?" Chris asked, wiggling his toes in Buck's hands.

And, of course, he couldn't voice any of his true thoughts to Chris. Not when Eddie was at the other end of the couch, staring at him like he was transparent and everything he thought and felt was on display.

"It's a good way of presenting complex psychological things to kids," he quipped, tickling Chris' feet as the kid squealed and wriggled into a ball in his father's lap and then made pleas for pizza with big, pleading eyes that Eddie succumbed to without much of a fight.

While Eddie went to get a takeaway menu for some place a few blocks away that delivered the requested dinner, Chris reached out his leg and pushed it into Buck's thigh. "Buck? Why are you so sad?"

Buck blinked, tearing his attention from the rolling credits to the kid who had become an unexpectedly important part of his world in the last twelve months. Chris' eyes were large behind his glasses, his childlike curiosity turned on Buck. And for a moment, for a fleeting flash of a moment that stabbed through him and twisted his stomach and made his heart thump painfully, he remembered finding those red glasses but Christopher was gone. He could remember putting them around his neck and feeling like they were a millstone threatening to drag him beneath the surface of the water to his death. As much as they'd been a reminder to keep going like Chris had suggested, they had also been a heady reminder of how much of a failure he was when he'd lost Chris to the second surge.

For a moment, Buck looked at him and found it hard to breathe through the deluge of memories that saturated him to the core.

"I'm not…sad," he eventually said but Christopher shook his head, pushing his foot firmer and more insistently against Buck's thigh.

"Yes, you are. You're sad like Dad was after Mom died."

Buck felt his breath catch in his lungs as he stared at Chris in disbelief because this kid was seeing straight through all his defences that either all the adults in their lives were blind to or chose to ignore. Buck wasn't sure what was worse. He wasn't sure how he'd handle being let down by his family at the 118 again because they didn't really want him working with them anymore.

"I-" Buck paused and then held open his arms to Chris, who shuffled on the couch and then willingly fell into his lap. It felt comforting to hold Chris, to nuzzle his nose into his small shoulder and inhale his warmth and life. It helped remind some part of his brain that this boy was alive, reducing the size of the monsters that existed in his head after so many nightmares where Chris had never been found…or worse.

"You know how…how sometimes you might have a bad day at school and you don't want to talk to your dad about it?" he began, tracing a hand down Christopher's back.

Chris nodded, his hand fiddling with the shirt covering Buck's chest. "Yeah. Sometimes I feel like Sadness and Anger all mixed together but then I talk to Dad and we get ice cream and I feel like Joy comes back. D'you think you just need to talk to my Dad and have some ice cream?"

Buck felt his throat tighten at the way Chris was looking at him, eyes round with hope, and he wished he had the childlike optimism to solve his problems with something as simple as talking and eating ice cream. He remembered Eddie's words the morning of the tsunami, how Chris didn't allow anything to get him down, and Buck wished he was more like that. After the tsunami, he'd tried to follow Eddie's advice. He'd tried to avoid complaining about all the feelings gathering in his chest, all the thoughts that built in his head. After the lawsuit had hit, he'd been forced to hold them inside. And after the lawsuit was over, he didn't feel like anyone really cared to listen. But when a perceptive kid like Chris saw straight through all that and was pointing out that he was _sad_ … Well.

"Yeah, I- Maybe," he conceded quietly, pressing a kiss among Christopher's curls.

Eddie wandered back into the living room with the menu, catching the way Chris was curled into Buck's lap and smiling that small, soft smile that Buck only ever saw him use when Chris wasn't looking and – though Buck wasn't sure – he didn't think Eddie wanted him seeing either.

After a spirited discussion about which pizzas they'd order – Christopher insisted on no mushrooms and Eddie declared pineapple on pizza was a travesty, while Buck thought both of them were ridiculous and that pizza should have everything possible on it – Chris then decided they should play Monopoly for the rest of the night.

And though Buck would probably have preferred to tune everything out and watch another movie, he wasn't going to deny Christopher anything.

* * *

"I was starting to think he'd never settle for bed because you're here," Eddie said as he returned to the living room with a bottle of beer in each hand, passing one to Buck as he flopped onto the couch.

"I did offer to leave, like…" Buck checked his watch. "Two hours ago."

"And risk you having a brain bleed while you were driving home? I'm not sure who would kill me first – Hen, Bobby or your sister."

Buck rolled his eyes and twisted the cap off the beer. "If I was going to deteriorate, I would've done so by now, don't you think?"

Eddie shrugged, picking at the label on his bottle with his thumbnail. "You think I'm willing to risk it if you're wrong?"

The quietness in Eddie's question caught Buck off-guard because there was an element of warm teasing and gentle care in Eddie's tone that he hadn't heard since before the lawsuit, since before the tsunami. Maybe even before the truck had crushed his leg.

"We risk our lives every day," he pointed out instead, looking for the diversion because it was easier than reading into what Eddie had said. Even though Buck tended to read into Eddie so much he could probably declare he had started his very own Eddie Diaz Library.

"Buck," Eddie sighed and there was so much there, so much caught in that singular word, that Buck looked away from Eddie and focused instead on a spot on the wall across the room. "That's not- Yes, we do, but- If something happened to you tonight because you were alone, when you were meant to be here and I could've done something-"

"Diaz, if you keep talking like that, people will think you care about me." He tried to make it light and teasing but his heart still did an odd little jumping thing that made Buck wonder if it was attached to marionette strings.

"You're important to Christopher. Of course I care about you."

And it was said so matter-of-fact, with an implied ' _duh_ ' at the end of it, that Buck hoped the sound Eddie hadn't audibly made covered for the sound of his heart cracking. Because that's what it boiled down to, didn't it? Buck was important to _Chris_ but to Eddie… To Eddie, their friendship was still etched with so much fragility and a degree of distance that Buck could be in his presence and still feel alone.

It hadn't always been like this, he knew that in his bones, but the lawsuit had changed everything and Eddie… Eddie was the one who remained the most aloof in their interactions lately. Eddie might say he forgave Buck, and he said he trusted Buck with Christopher, and he said he had Buck's back, but there was something missing, some sort of _certainty_ that had once been embedded within his words and actions, and no amount of errant touches to Buck's shoulder or verbal assurances had soothed the anxiety Buck felt. At the end of the day, he knew he'd lost Chris in the water and they'd both almost died. After that, he didn't feel worthy of anything resembling certainty in Eddie's convictions towards him. Eddie said a lot of kind things but Buck was okay with the fact that Eddie didn't truly mean them anymore. He'd never felt like he'd deserved them in the first place. Who trusted someone with _his_ history around kids, anyway?

"I think I'd like to get some sleep now," he lied, knowing he resented sleep almost as much as it resented him, and he knew Eddie was surprised because they'd only been sitting together for less than ten minutes and there was a time they'd talk for hours after tough shifts, working their way through several bottles of beer each until the feelings no longer hurt and their heads were lolling with fatigue, but his skin crawled with discomfort at all the feelings and memories and thoughts he was trying to keep buried. Saying he wanted to sleep was the best way he knew to get Eddie to leave him alone. "It's been a long day and all that."

"Yeah." Eddie peeled a section of label off his bottle. "How are you handling it?"

"It's just another call, right?" He shrugged and settled his barely-touched bottle on the table, deciding to ferret out his toothbrush from his gym bag beside the couch just to reinforce his decision to pretend to sleep. "They don't always go our way. We both know that."

"And physically? Has your back bruised?"

Buck knew his shoulders were sore but he could ignore it, parcel it into a box and shove it alongside all the other things he didn't want to feel. "I haven't looked."

"Do you want me to-"

"There's nothing you could do even if it was bruised," he interrupted and he knew from Eddie's awkward silence that he'd probably spoken too harshly. Still, he'd already had Hen fuss over him enough today and knowing he only 'mattered' to Eddie because he was important to Chris made it difficult to remember how to filter the emotions out of his words that same way that Eddie did.

"Okay, well I- You know where my room is if you start feeling unwell during the night," Eddie said, rising from the couch and padding out of the room without a backwards glance. It made Buck feel emptier than usual, realising how much he was able to push away someone that he'd once considered his best friend and was now…something he didn't even know how to label with his head or his heart.

He brushed his teeth and swapped his jeans for sweatpants. He could sleep in his LAFD t-shirt but he still pulled the neck of his shirt aside, wincing at the blossom of colour across his shoulders that no doubt swirled down his back. Hopefully he hadn't hit his head so badly that he had some sort of bleed, but he hadn't had a headache or any sort of dizziness throughout the day that he could ascribe to anything beyond his regular anxiety so he supposed that boded well.

When he returned to the Diaz living room, there was a blanket and a couple of pillows settled on the couch but no sign of Eddie. Buck reminded himself it was a mundane action, one made out of necessity rather than because Eddie really cared. Still, he held the pillow and blankets to his nose and inhaled deeply, relishing the traces of Eddie's scent in the fabric that he hadn't really had in months because Eddie didn't really come near him anymore.

And even though he didn't want to sleep, even though closing his eyes was more unpleasant than thinking about a bath or the ocean, eventually his eyes fluttered closed because he was simply too exhausted to try to stay awake.

* * *

There was so much blood and he was drowning in it.

Everywhere he looked, his vision was surrounded by red. He couldn't tell what was up or what was down, but he knew he'd lost something important in the red that pushed and pulled his body like a ragdoll. There was a high-pitched tinny sound in his ear that almost sounded like a scream, but it was so distant that he couldn't tell which direction it came from.

His hand caught on something solid and when he peered through the murky redness, he realised it was a signpost. He blinked, struggling to hold his breath because he needed to find the surface of all the blood, and then it flashed through his head – _Christopher_! He'd lost Christopher. He had to find-

He opened his mouth to scream the boy's name but instead blood spilled into his lips, flooding his throat and lungs and making him choke and tear at his chest, trying to get it out because he needed to find Christopher but maybe it was too hard, maybe he wasn't worthy, maybe someone else would-

" _Buck_."

His eyes snapped open and he heaved a bunch of spluttering breaths, clutching at his throat and his chest as the blood-red vision clouded the edge of the room which wasn't his room and he was so disoriented that he couldn't tell where he was and-

"Hey. _Hey_. You're okay. Look at me, c'mon."

Fingers pressed into his shoulder and his eyes gradually travelled towards a face with rumpled hair and confused brown eyes and it took a moment or two before awareness seeped into his brain, before he realised he'd been having another nightmare and this – he hoped – was reality. Seeing Eddie made him remember falling asleep on Eddie's couch, which helped him recognise Eddie's living room, which led to recalling the reason he was at Eddie's in the first place.

"Buck?" Eddie's thumb moved, firm against his collarbone, and something about the way he spoke or was looking at Buck made him feel as though he might've been crouching by the couch for a while trying to wake him up.

"I-" His voice cracked and he swallowed, realising for the first time how badly his hands were trembling against his throat and chest. He blinked several times, trying to get rid of the sensation of drowning in blood out of his head even though his mouth tasted faintly coppery. Maybe he'd bitten his lip again. "I'm okay."

"Like hell you are," Eddie said, a line forming between his brows. "I know what a nightmare looks like. I've woken Christopher enough times. What happened?"

But Buck just shook his head, sitting up and ridding Eddie's hand off his shoulder, rubbing at his face and scratching through his hair and wishing he could be anywhere else than here and facing Eddie after a nightmare that had left him feeling rattled. "It's fine."

"No, it's really, really not. Do they happen often?"

When Buck didn't immediately respond, Eddie's breath whistled through his teeth and the weight of the couch shifted as Eddie sat behind him, a hand brushing over his shoulder that Buck immediately tried to shrug away.

"Buck-"

"Don't," he said, tangling his fingers into his hair and tugging sharply so that the pain could ground him in something more concrete than the racing thoughts and racing feelings and racing breaths and racing heartbeats that he couldn't seem to ever catch up with. "I don't need-"

"I took Chris to get evaluated when he kept having nightmares after the tsunami," Eddie interrupted, his voice steadier than Buck's jumbled thought process and failed attempts to string together coherent sentences. "And I know how I changed after I returned from being deployed. I know how difficult sleeping was and-"

"I don't need the lecture," Buck finally bit out, still struggling to get enough oxygen into his lungs to stop his heart leaping through his ribcage and splattering on the floor of Eddie's living room. Which would just expose more blood. Which nearly made his stomach revolt and heave whatever remained in it from dinner.

"This isn't a lecture." Eddie's hand was light but insistent against his back, fingertips curved around Buck's tender shoulder. "This is me saying it's okay to not be okay."

But Buck was okay. Truly. People had _died_ in that tsunami. He would know. He'd seen them float past in a raft of tangled limbs while he grasped Christopher to his chest and tried to shield him from seeing the worst of it.

"Buck, you had three near-death experiences in only a handful of months," Eddie said and even though Buck didn't want to think about any of it, when it was said so bluntly… "When I realised what Christopher's nightmares were about, I told him it's okay to be sad. He's gone through his own trauma this year, and so have you."

Trauma? Buck wouldn't view it like that. Some unfortunate experiences close together which-

"You can talk about it, you know," Eddie continued and Buck shook his head, because he couldn't. Not to Eddie, who would just go and tell Bobby. Not to his sister, because Maddie would tell Chimney who would tell Bobby. Not to Hen, who would listen and care but still tell Bobby. He had no one. And he wasn't about to find a therapist again and screw a therapist again. He had to learn to manage himself because he couldn't afford for Bobby to bench him. Again.

"I don't need to talk about it," he said, getting to his feet and letting Eddie's hand slide off his body. His skin felt heated from the touch but he refused to pay attention to it. "There's nothing to talk about so I'd appreciate it if you'd just stop trying to involve yourself in things that aren't about you."

He grabbed his bag and decided leaving was his best – and only – option. He'd go home, or he'd go for a run, or he'd have a few drinks to quell the buzzing in his brain and the hurt in his heart. He just knew he couldn't be around Eddie anymore. He knew he couldn't unravel any of his feelings because he had spent too much time wrapping them up and shoving them away until they no longer hurt.

" _Buck_ ," Eddie hissed as he followed Buck down the corridor, where Buck collected his shoes from beside the door and his keys from the small side table. "You don't have to deal with this alone."

Buck dared to glance at Eddie as he opened the front door, all his defences raised and blocking out every messy feeling he wished he could carve out of his blackened heart. "I don't know why you're so hell-bent on thinking something is wrong."

"Then why are you leaving?"

It made Buck pause on the landing, gazing into the semi-darkness of the middle of the night. His heart twisted and his stomach churned but when his lawyer had told him he'd need to stop talking to anyone from the firehouse, he'd become good at shoving down all his feelings and the desperate need to talk to his best friend about everything that was haunting him.

Once he'd seen Eddie's furious eyes at the grocery store, once he knew that whatever trust Eddie had felt towards him in regards to Chris was gone, once he knew how exhausting he was to listen to, it had been easier to extinguish the urge to reach out. He'd buried his feelings for Eddie's friendship so far down that he just felt _sad_ when he was around Eddie now, an overwhelming sense of _miserable_ that was easier to deal with. Eddie might say he was 'forgiven' but he'd grown sick of having his heart wrenched all over his chest when Eddie tended to avoid making eye contact and rarely smiled at him after the lawsuit.

"Because there's no reason for me to stay," Buck said resolutely, descending the steps of Eddie's porch and getting into his truck. He knew Eddie was still standing in the doorway with his arms crossed when Buck pulled away from the curb but he didn't look at him.

He wasn't sure he'd keep it together if he did.

* * *

**_~TBC~_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me do the happy dance-y thing, rather than the frets-anxiously-that-no-one's-reading-this-or-liking-this thing.
> 
> Or come join me to talk on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	5. Chapter 5

**Word Count:** 3,490  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter contains a rather vivid description of a panic attack.

* * *

He was hungover, and tired, and was determined to make himself as invisible as possible during his shift. It was deceptively easy to do when he couldn't remember the last time he'd been honest with anyone about how he felt. And if someone had offered him something better, something stronger or maybe a new job, he had a feeling he'd seriously consider it. It was a disturbing thought to have after he'd fought to get on the team, how thoroughly he'd jeopardised his friendships, and his family, and his career, to be a firefighter again.

If he were honest, he'd noticed the way the others looked at him sometimes in the truck on the way to calls, or when he poured himself a mug of coffee while stifling a yawn behind his hand, or when he entered or exited the house at the start or end of shifts. He knew they were all watching him but their silence was permission to keep his distance and he couldn't decide if he appreciated or resented that they were willing to let him drown.

Which was, perhaps, a poor choice of words given the circumstances that had led to his isolation.

The bells rang and he discarded his mug with a sigh, grasping his jacket and helmet as he jumped into the truck. He stared at the patterns on the floor of the truck to avoid the eyes of everyone else. After the nightmare he'd had at Eddie's house a few days ago, he'd struggled to get any sort of rest. Now that they were sharing a shift again, it was impossible to look at him.

He managed to block out some of the sound of the wailing siren with his headset and tuned out the voices in his ears by fixating on being somewhere far, far away. Maybe he could put in transfer papers and move to Utah, or Arizona, or somewhere else without water and without a team of people who he couldn't look at or speak to anymore.

But, he tried to tell himself, he was exhausted and hungover and irritable and prone to misreading everything. He was prone to rash decisions at the best of times and feeling like he was at his worst… Well. Terrible decisions were even easier to make.

When they arrived at a house with a pristine lawn and a frantically waving daughter, Buck hung back as she wailed at them to come quickly and then took off through the side entrance along a fence. Bobby gestured at them to follow and Buck jogged behind the rest, hearing a woman's screams and a man's desperate shouts.

"They're here, mom! They're here!" the daughter sobbed, arms around her waist as they rounded the corner and took in the sight.

A brunette woman was bobbing in her pool, her hand clenched in a man's – who had to be her husband – as she shrieked in terror. At irregular intervals, she was dragged under the water before he hauled her back to the surface again and then she made another hysterical sound amid a lot of spluttering and spitting of water.

"Please! The cords of the vacuum sweeper are stuck around her legs! We can't get her up!" the man yelled as his wife sank under the water again and Buck could tell she was growing tired because when she came up the next time, she wasn't really screaming anymore. Her free hand was mostly just splashing around, a garbled gurgle escaping her mouth.

Memories swirled behind his eyes and he felt dizzy as he looked at her and saw a different scenario entirely. Him in the elevator. Him caught in the currents of water. Him with wires wrapped around his legs.

"Chimney, turn off the power to the machine. Hen, grab resus gear from the truck because there will be water in her lungs and we'll need to treat her for drowning. Eddie, I- _Eddie_!"

Buck watched numbly as Eddie flung his jacket to the ground and tossed his helmet on top before diving into the pool, a dark blur of a rippling shape through the water as he moved towards the woman's wavering feet. Buck's feet were anchored to the ground, utterly immobile as he stared and blinked and blinked and stared and remembered waterlogged clothes and a small body pressed against him and a woman's shrill screams for help.

Whatever orders Bobby had just given were ignored in the face of Eddie's rash action but Hen still disappeared down the alley and Chimney was asking the daughter where the power was and Bobby was grasping onto the woman's flailing other hand to help the husband and providing assurance to both of them and Buck was just…frozen.

Even when he heard Chimney's shout that the power was out, even when he saw Eddie's face break the surface, lifting the woman onto his shoulder so that the husband and Bobby could pull her over the edge of the pool, even when he watched Hen clear the woman's airway and lay her on her side while checking her vitals, even when Chim recommended transporting her to hospital, Buck just…couldn't move. Everything was happening to someone else, someone far away, on another planet, in another timeline.

The woman's screaming might have stopped but he could still hear it, a ringing in his ears, a kaleidoscope of sound and colour of dozens of other people crying for assistance while water splashed against a solid surface. Yet he was also faintly aware of the silence that had descended now that the woman was out of the water and he knew there was another time when all the terrified screams around him had been silenced, when he'd been buffeted and tumbled by inescapable pressure that squeezed him on all sides.

Buck had never really considered how silent drowning could be until every sense was inundated by absolute nothingness, and water was pressing at the top of your throat, and you were fighting against inhaling because even though you needed the oxygen, you couldn't let the water in because if it got inside your lungs, you were gone. Gone like everyone else that couldn't hold their breath underwater for longer than thirty seconds. Gone like everyone else that had been so stricken with fear that the logical parts of their brain stopped functioning.

"Buck?"

And Buck was at the mercy of the water, letting it push and pull at him because he didn't have the strength to resist that sort of force. He lost every sense of direction when he was dragged up and down like a ragdoll. He swallowed mouthfuls of filthy water even as he struggled to keep it out of his lungs because his fingers had slipped from Christopher's and he had to find the kid. Panic made his brain spark like lightning and his fingers clenched around the nearest thing he could find.

At some point, he thought about buoying to the surface and clambering up a tree, or maybe a car, and he needed to look and search and shout even though his voice was hoarse with the water and the grit he'd swallowed but it wasn't enough. He still couldn't see Christopher. He'd dive into the water again, despite the whirlpools that were filled with unknown dangers. He'd twist his body around floating cars or trunks of trees or glass and debris that had been blown out of buildings which could so easily knock him out, or break another bone, or sheer off a limb. He could bleed out in the water, another victim among dozens, and he didn't know where Christopher was but he needed to find him.

He was numb to the pain from cuts and scrapes covered in putrid refuse, his face bloodied as he stumbled down road after road, torn clothes and gasping yells probably making him look like Frankenstein's monster.

"Diaz-"

His vision blurred dangerously out of focus and his knees shook too hard to hold him up any longer. He groped behind him until his fingers found the grooves of bricks and he sank into the solidity of the wall, sliding until he was curled into a ball because it was too hard to stay upright when he was swaying so badly, and his lungs were aching and his head was spinning and everywhere he looked he could see blue water and dead bodies, and there was this odd contradiction in the screaming of the pleas for help and the silence after they'd become gurgled and choked and then they were gone in the distance, and he couldn't save them all- he couldn't reach them all- he couldn't-

"Buck? Hey. _Hey_."

Some sort of sob stuck in his throat and there was a pain in his chest, and a pain behind his eyes, and everything in his chest burned and he couldn't breathe because if he breathed then water would get into his lungs and then he'd be dragged down, down into the depths, and he had to find Christopher, he couldn't fail Eddie, he had to-

" _Buck_."

Hands threaded through his hair, raising his unseeing eyes, and there were droplets of water running down his cheeks and tickling behind his ears and he needed to save Christopher from the water because Christopher wasn't a strong swimmer. Sometimes he struggled to coordinate his limbs going up or down stairs and Buck didn't know where the boy's crutches were in the carnage and he had to get a phone to call Maddie and let her know where he was but she was probably busy with all the other 911 calls so saving Christopher was his mission, his _only_ mission, but he couldn't breathe and he needed to breathe but he-

"Snap _out_ of it, Evan," a firm voice said, damp fingers on his cheeks shaking his head and pressing thumbs against the pulsepoint of his throat to tilt his head back, to open his airway, to give his lungs a chance to breathe. It felt a bit like being strangled, and it was unpleasant when he already felt like he was suffocating under the weight of the panic and the water swirling all around him, but the heat and the pressure also shocked his system into focusing on something else – like how weird it was to have his head tilted so far back in the middle of the ocean.

And gradually, gradually, painfully slowly, brown eyes shimmered into view in front of him to replace the blue of the ocean, and the yellow of Christopher's shirt, and the red of the blood staining his hands.

"Come on, Evan. The tsunami is over. Christopher is safe. Breathe with me, okay? Here. Give me your hand."

A shaking hand clasped around his limp wrist and his palm pressed into damp clothes.

"You feel me breathing? You feel my heart beating beneath your fingers? I want you to match it, alright? I _need_ you to breathe with me, Evan. Come on."

When all the racing and thudding and fear that ricocheted through Buck's head finally started to abate, he realised it was Eddie kneeling in front of him and they were the only people he could see. He blinked rapidly, fingers unconsciously curling into the wet navy LAFD shirt Eddie was wearing. Some of the tightness in his chest loosened, his heart giving a final stuttered series of beats as he started to realise he'd…what? Had a panic attack? And a bunch of flashbacks? Or hallucinated? He wasn't even entirely sure what had just happened and even that realisation made him feel sick and anxious all over again because no one else was around but it meant they'd still _had_ to have seen what happened. This was a whole lot worse than getting stuck in the elevator.

"Hey," Eddie murmured, a thumb smoothing up and over Buck's eyebrow and dragging over his birthmark, rubbing a gentle circle against Buck's temple. "You with me, Buckley?"

Buck swallowed, meeting Eddie's gaze and realising how very, very tired he felt. All his limbs felt like his bones had been injected with jelly and lead and if it wasn't for Eddie's hands cradling his jaw, he could imagine his head lolling straight off his shoulders and bouncing across the outdoor tiles. "I don't- I just-"

"It was the water, wasn't it?" Eddie said and Buck's gaze dropped to Eddie's soaked clothes, as much a confirmation as anything he could have said because even though Eddie was holding him up, even though Eddie was clearly okay and alive and hadn't drowned and – he presumed – they'd gotten the woman up and out and she was also okay, he'd gotten transported to a place that was so terrifying he thought it only existed in his nightmares. " _Shit_ , Buck. Was it the tsunami or the elevator?"

"You don't…forget what it's like to be drowning," he whispered, eyes closing for a minute as images flickered like an old movie of the tsunami and the elevator and the desperate urge to survive even though you didn't know how it was possible. "You don't forget the sound of…of someone's desperate screams before it becomes that choked, gasping sound when they finally get sucked under and their splashes disappear beneath the surface and you can't see them anymore." Eddie's fingers twitched against his skin and Buck coughed, eyes snapping open, like he was trying to expel water from his lungs or the images from his brain. "Sorry, I-"

"Don't apologise. Just…stay present with me, okay?" Eddie said, low and soothing like Buck suspected he talked to Christopher after a nightmare. It was a tone of voice Buck had never really heard directed towards him by Eddie, or by anyone except, perhaps, Maddie when he was a whole lot younger. But Buck could also hear how Eddie's words were tinged with a small amount of shakiness, which was uncharacteristic for the level-headed firefighter and veteran army medic who had endured worse than Buck could even pretend to imagine and always seemed perfectly at ease. "You scared the shit out of me. I need to calm down myself."

Buck tried a rueful smile but he thought it probably came out more of a grimace as Eddie combed fingers through his hair, leaving damp trails against his scalp which snaked down his temples and dripped off his jaw.

"What happened to-"

"Hen and Chimney took the vic and the family to the hospital," Eddie explained as some of the sensation in Buck's fingers and toes gradually returned now that his blood was flowing somewhat more regularly through his heart. "Bobby's with the truck. He took the 118 offline while I stayed with you."

Buck felt his face heat with shame because the team had _definitely_ seen him completely lose it and he had been fighting so damn hard to cover up everything that was going on, because he was a first responder and he had to switch off his feelings on a call and because they saw horrible shit so often and because Chim would call Maddie to tell her what happened and then she'd start fussing around him again and because he'd fought to get on this team so hard and now he'd just proven to Bobby exactly why he shouldn't have come back and-

Eddie's fingers firmed again his jaw, raising his eyes until they met warm brown, slightly creased around the edges with concern and care and the small, nervous smile that played on the edge of Eddie's lips. "We've all been worried about you, man, but I- I thought if we gave you the space to process, or the time to…to realise you weren't okay, then you'd eventually open up to us because we're your family and we care about you."

Eddie sighed, his gaze flicking over Buck's head and a small frown drew his eyebrows together. Eddie's indecision about his words was a better thing for Buck to focus on because Eddie's hands felt very intimate against his skin, a gesture that was entirely friendly and something they often did for rescues, but it made Buck starkly aware of how long it had been since he'd felt any sort of affection from another person that wasn't his sister.

"I should've pushed you about that nightmare," Eddie murmured, almost as if he were speaking to himself.

Buck shrugged. He had a feeling that even if he'd been directly challenged, even if someone like Bobby had called him out, he wasn't sure he'd admit to anything. In the dead of night, he meditated on the idea of screaming until he was noticed, pleading for help the way all those people had while he'd sheltered on the top of the fire truck with Christopher in his arms. But then it felt like it was increasingly apparent that no one truly cared, no one was realising he was sinking under the weight of all his emotions and the memories, and no one could possibly reach out to save him because they all had their own shit to deal with and they didn't need him adding to that. He was the baby of the team and they all had Big Adult Problems. They kept expecting him to just get over it and move on. And he _couldn't_.

He pushed away the thoughts and misgivings and began wondering if it would be rude to return to the firehouse and request a nap. He still felt an uncomfortable distance between him and reality, like he was watching it through fuzzy glass and everything Eddie said was happening to some other version of himself _._ His temples still throbbed with the after-effects of his racing heart, his chest still hurt from all the spasming breaths he'd tried to suck in yet simultaneously block out because of the water he feared would drown his lungs.

And he wasn't an idiot. He knew enough about PTSD after reading online guides about ways to help Maddie cope after Doug's death and how to avoid any sudden actions that might make her flinch to recognise that seeing Eddie dive into the water, and watching the woman drown, and hearing her intermittent shrieks and gurgles for help, had unravelled the parts of his memories that he'd been struggling to shut out since the flooded elevator and avoid leaking past the dam of his defences when he closed his eyes at night.

"Evan." Eddie's finger tapped beneath his chin and his heavy lids opened – he didn't even remember closing his eyes – to find Eddie's eyes on him again, the small smile gone and replaced with downturned lips that clearly betrayed how worried he was. "D'you think you can get up and get back to the truck?"

It seemed like a simple enough suggestion which turned out to be harder than it sounded because as soon as he tried to get to his feet, the world spun in technicolour and his knees threatened to give out on him. He'd pushed Eddie's hand away when he'd first tried to stand but refused to admit his gratitude when Eddie's arm curled around his waist, holding him steady and upright, until the blurring sharpened into focus again and he tried not to screw up his face and start crying with how completely fraught all his emotions felt.

"Okay?"

He nodded, trying – and failing – to remind himself he was a confident and strong and stoic firefighter as he shuffled along the side of the house with Eddie keeping him standing. He saw Bobby sitting in the driver's seat of the truck, feet hanging out the open door and his head down as he fiddled with his phone in his lap. As soon as he caught movement, Bobby's attention snapped towards the house and within seconds, he was leaping from the cab of the truck and crossing the yard.

"Buck." Bobby's brows were drawn, his mouth unhappy, but his arms were extended towards him and for a moment, Buck felt himself freeze again because he could remember a similar expression when he'd felt something in his chest pop and tasted the metallic bite of blood surge up his throat. But Bobby stood there patiently, something so paternal in his body language, and it reminded Buck of when Bobby had rushed to the hospital waiting desk because he'd been called as the emergency contact after Buck had sliced his arm on the car windshield getting a guy out.

Something inside Buck cracked, some sort of hold against his feelings, and he stumbled out of Eddie's hold to collapse into the embrace of his Captain. Fingers snagged into the heavy fibres of the jacket and he clung to the older man as the tempestuous storm raged through his head.

"It's okay, son," Bobby murmured, arms strong and certain around Buck's torso and pressing against painful bruises that reminded him he was alive. "It's okay."

For a moment, Buck almost believed him.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a comment below to tell me I need to stop hurting poor Buck or join me to talk on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	6. Chapter 6

**Word Count:** 4,490  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** No specific warnings for this chapter, although there is talk about difficult memories and PTSD-type symptoms and coping methods. If you've made it this far, it's the sort of talk that is desperately necessary.

* * *

After months of feeling alienated from the team, it didn't surprise him that now _everyone_ wanted to talk with him and find out what happened and why he hadn't been talking and making suggestions about what he might need. Hen recommended therapy and Chimney invited him to a night at the bar (which Hen had admonished) and Bobby mentioned the LAFD's counselling service and Buck had politely listened to all of it without really hearing a thing. He had spent months keeping up a façade that had crumbled to pieces because of some woman drowning in her backyard pool and all the care and attention was, frankly, overwhelming.

By the time his shift was over, he was ready to crawl into bed, pull the blankets over his head, and refuse to emerge for a month.

He'd been home an hour, was nursing his second beer while staring at the darkened TV screen with a blanket wrapped around his trembling shoulders, when there was a knock at his door. He sighed, wishing Maddie had listened when she'd called and asked him a thousand questions that meant she had definitely spoken to Chimney – or at the very least, received a lot of very worried texts from Chimney – and so she knew something was wrong with her baby brother and needed to come over and mother him.

Except he wasn't a baby anymore and he hadn't needed a mother in years and it annoyed him that she felt the need to check on him despite his protests that he was fine and he was halfway through determining how to grump at her and make her leave as he opened the door when he stopped, hand clenching on the doorknob a little tighter than was strictly necessary when he froze on the spot.

"Can I come in?"

He stared at Eddie, dressed casually in jeans and a green flannel shirt. Buck absently wondered if it was as soft as it looked, before dismissing the errant thought as quickly as it had entered his head and rolling his eyes to step to one side.

Eddie entered, hands shoved in his pockets, and looked almost as awkward as Buck felt as the door clicked shut behind him. "I, uh- I managed to get Carla to look after Christopher tonight."

Buck's eyebrows rose towards his hairline.

One of Eddie's hands escaped his pockets to rub at the back of his neck, his eyes darting around Buck's general shape without really settling on anything. It was disconcerting to say the least because Eddie was usually the calm and collected one and Buck tended to be the one who floundered around with nerves and uncertainty.

"Look, I'm just going to say it, okay? You've been through some serious shit this past year, Buck, and that leaves marks on people. The earthquake, the tsunami, the crush injury and the embolism, tracking down your sister after she'd killed-"

"Why are you here?" he croaked, because he couldn't stand to think about Maddie covered in blood, and he couldn't stand to think about the panic he'd felt when he realised Doug had found her, and he couldn't stand to think about the blood that covered his skin which was his and not-his as he searched for Christopher after the second tsunami surge, and Eddie's wandering gaze finally seemed to settle on him and realise how shaken he was.

"I've been in wars," Eddie said, something fragile in his voice as he swallowed and the Adam's apple in his throat bobbed but he still held Buck's gaze steadily. "I've seen stuff that no one should ever see. And I know that…that losing Shannon, and then when I ran into you at the VA hospital and I realised I hadn't even _thought_ about where you and Christopher were – I just assumed you'd both be safe because I couldn't allow myself to stop and think – and then when I saw Christopher and I swept him in my arms and I saw you collapse and I hadn't even considered how _you_ were because I was so focused on _losing_ my son and _finding_ my son, I-"

Eddie paused, shaking his head and glancing at the ceiling briefly as he exhaled a slow breath and Buck wasn't sure he'd ever seen the other man so unhinged with all his words. When the breath was finally released, Eddie returned to looking at Buck.

"Buck, I _know_ what it's like to shut yourself away and I- I'm here, you know? I'm here to listen and look out for you. I said I'd always have your back and I _do_. I always will. Because you look out for me, and you look out for Christopher, and that…that's something to stay for, isn't it?"

Buck blinked, trying to take in the way Eddie's thoughts seemed to zip between different situations and scenarios and fragments of conversations he barely remembered and yet knew had happened. Buck had long ago cut out the parts of his heart that felt anything until it stopped hurting to wake up, still breathing and still alone, every morning when he was practically banned from talking to his closest friends.

"I want to be able to help," Eddie said, inching half a step towards Buck and biting the corner of his lower lip. "I want to be there for you, the way you were there for my son. I know I've said thank you, about a million times until you're probably sick of hearing it, but I- I don't think I've ever _apologised_. After the suit and the fallout… I think- I was angry at you because I felt like I was losing you too, and Christopher and I have already come so close to losing you so many times this year after losing Shannon, but I- I don't think you understand how I owe my entire damn _life_ to you, Buck. If I'd lost Christopher-"

"That's why I kept looking for him."

And dammit if Buck's voice didn't break in the middle of that sentence because he never would have been able to forgive himself if Christopher had died, or gotten lost among the water and the debris and never been found like so many other victims who were named and searched for and, ultimately, never recovered. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself. He would have gone to some other state and ensured he couldn't be identified and then died, because he deserved to be as unrecoverable as Christopher could have been. Sometimes it was already hard enough to live with the guilt that they'd been at the pier that day, that he'd lost Christopher for so many hours in such a terrifying situation. But if Christopher had _died_ …

"I know," Eddie whispered, eyes shiny with unshed tears as he inched closer. "I _know_ , Buck. And if I could do _anything_ that would take away all your pain, then I'd do it in every heartbeat I have left because that's how much what you did for me and for Christopher means to me. You know that, right?"

It took him a while to concede a small nod, the crushing feeling of rubber bands circling his chest making it harder to breathe than he was willing to admit as he struggled under the weight of all his guilt and shame and despair and devastation. Everything he'd seen that day, everything he'd heard… He'd just kept shoving it further and further down.

"When I got out of the water with that woman and heard Bobby shouting your name and I looked over and saw you sinking towards the floor with a hand to your chest, I thought you'd thrown another clot and it had hit your heart," Eddie admitted, and Buck marvelled at how steady Eddie could keep his voice because there was no way he could've reacted calmly.

He couldn't help but think about all the times Eddie might have delivered terrible news to family or friends in the wars, when he'd returned from deployment and had to face the relatives of those he'd lost on the battlefield. Eddie had a way of keeping all his difficult emotions under lock and key, rarely revealing how he felt, but he could tell Eddie's emotions were raw around the edges because there was a distance that kept flickering in his expression.

"I thought- All I could think as you fell to the ground was _not again_ and I was terrified that this time…" Eddie finally shook his head and looked away, fixing his gaze on something on Buck's wall and blinking rapidly. The unsaid sentence hung heavy in the air and the implications were the loudest noise in the room.

"I'm okay," Buck mumbled but he knew it rang hollow after everything that had happened, because it could've been so easy for his blood to clot again and he could've hit the ground and been dead before any of his team could have done anything, and he knew Eddie saw straight through his bullshit front now too after his meltdown by the pool.

"I keep feeling terrified that I'm going to lose you and then I-" Eddie's voice fractured and he huffed a deep breath, and Buck started to see the emotions bleeding through the cage that Eddie trapped them in, the rims of his eyes reddening. "I don't know how I'd find the words to explain to Christopher that you're gone too. He lost his mom, Buck. I lost Shannon. But I- _We_ can't lose you, too."

Buck stared at Eddie, confused and uncertain and in so many fragments that he feared everything he felt and everything he thought was fully exposed to Eddie. He didn't know where to begin picking himself up anymore so he went for the easiest response. "I'm still here."

"I know." Eddie met his eyes again, a solitary tear finally streaking down his cheek before he could wipe it away and his lips pressed together, one way and then the other, eyebrows scrunching in apparent annoyance that he'd let his guard down. "But tonight isn't about you trying to comfort me. Tonight is about me making sure you get some rest and reminding you that you aren't alone."

Buck opened his mouth to protest but Eddie silenced him with a look he'd almost certainly developed as a single parent with a ray of sunshine for a son who was still prone to the odd tantrum over bedtimes and toys.

"Please, Evan. Can I hug you?" Eddie asked and Buck wondered if he'd ever stop feeling so surprised by Eddie.

He nodded and Eddie moved quickly to wrap his arms around Buck's shoulders, like he was afraid Buck would change his mind and reject the embrace. For a moment, he stood with his arms awkwardly caught at his sides before it became clear Eddie wasn't after a short hug but wanted one that lingered, like when Bobby had held him upright by the side of the truck. Buck gradually returned the hug by settling his arms more comfortably around Eddie's waist, feeling the muscles of Eddie's back shift beneath his fingers when Buck tried to subtly adjust the arrangement of hands against the bruises, and feeling the way his fingers settled into the grooves of Eddie's ribcage.

"Is this okay?" Eddie murmured, head tilted to almost be resting on Buck's shoulder, and Buck tried not to shudder at the warm breath that tickled across his neck.

He nodded instead of answering, holding onto Eddie for God only knew how long until some of the anxiety and sadness and tension and panic and exhaustion that he always seemed to feel these days began to unspool from his shoulders. The haphazard breathing thing that always seemed to make him hitch half-breaths started to lessen when his erratic heartbeat evened out the longer Eddie held him. He also was incredibly alert to the ability to feel Eddie's heart thumping against his fingers.

By the time Eddie pulled away a few inches to survey his face, Buck felt more pliant and loose than he had in months and desperately didn't want to stop being in Eddie's embrace.

"You okay?" Eddie said and Buck nodded, content to stay wrapped in Eddie's arms the rest of the night if it meant all his tangled emotions faded away or morphed into something he could manage on his own again. "C'mon."

Eddie tugged him towards the couch, sitting on it and then insisting Buck lay his head on a pillow in Eddie's lap. His legs ended up dangling over the arm of the couch and it wasn't exactly comfortable but then Eddie started combing lazy fingers through his hair and Buck decided the comfort of his legs was the smallest possible issue when Eddie was doing _that_.

"You're just doing that so I'll start talking," he said with a small pout towards Eddie, who grinned almost wickedly.

"If the shoe fits," Eddie said with an innocent attempt at a shrug and Buck rolled his eyes, before Eddie's expression sobered. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, though. I just thought… I figured it might relax you. It helps Christopher when he's feeling particularly stressed or upset."

Eddie wasn't wrong. It _was_ incredibly relaxing to have Eddie's hand casually running through his hair and he was warm and gentle, his thigh beneath Buck's head firm with muscle but also soft. But Buck feared closing his eyes because he was still afraid of what he might see, even being sprawled in Eddie's lap and knowing he was safe in his apartment. He hesitated, his gaze wandering around the ceiling and the corners of the room and his chest cramping with fears he hadn't voiced aloud for months.

"I couldn't save him," he admitted, avoiding Eddie's eyes looking at him and chewing his bottom lip until the pain gave him something else to focus on. "In my dreams or when I- When something happens, like today, it all just comes rushing back and hits me like a truck or a tsunami. And I should know, because I've been hit by both."

The joke fell flat in terms of making Eddie laugh but it did defuse a little of the nervous tension between them when Eddie tugged at his hair lightly.

"But it- it's not just the tsunami," he continued, fingers balling against his stomach and picking at the fabric of his shirt just for something to do when he felt like he'd have more success peeling the skin from his body. "I'll wake up sometimes after a nightmare of the truck on me, unable to feel my leg, and it'll take me a few minutes of feeling it and running my fingers over the scars to be certain it didn't get amputated. Or I'll be choking on my own blood, or sea water. And I-"

He struggled to breathe around the pain cinching around his neck, knotting in his throat, and he struggled to keep his eyes open because if he closed them, he knew what he'd see now that he was talking about it. Eddie's nails scraped lightly at his scalp, grounding him for a moment from the thoughts tugging him towards the abyss.

"I- I've attended so many versions of my own funeral, Eddie, and I've died in so many ways every time I close my eyes the past few months that I can't- After how close it felt in the elevator, and then you just leapt into the water today, everything just- I couldn't- It all came back, more real than any of the nightmares."

" _Evan_ ," Eddie breathed, horrified recognition leaking into his tone.

Even though he didn't want to, Buck closed his eyes so he didn't have to look up and see whatever Eddie's face was doing. White flowers danced on the edge of his vision, and his team dressed in black clothes, and Maddie dabbing a handkerchief to her eyes. He'd dreamt it so many times that it was startling how real it felt, like an actual memory rather than something he'd just imagined in the dead of night.

"I didn't realise it was so bad, man," Eddie said, fingers light against Buck's temple. "I'm- _Shit_ , I'm so sorry for not shoving you against a locker and getting all of this out of you sooner."

"I'm not sure it would have made any difference. I haven't wanted to talk about it," Buck said with a weak, wobbly sort of smile. He refused to entertain the idea of being shoved against a locker by Eddie and how he'd probably just taunt the other man into hitting him so that a broken rib made him feel something again. "I still don't, for what it's worth."

Eddie hummed, curling his fingers through Buck's hair and twisting some of it between his thumb and index finger. "You know those sorts of nightmares aren't normal, right? That the panic attack you had on the call today isn't normal?"

His muscles tensed, his eyes flashing open to catch Eddie staring at him and his eyes were filled with that care and concerned thing again which Buck instinctively felt like he needed to reject, because he had made so many mistakes and endangered Eddie's _son_ and that had to count for _something_ , right? "It's not like everyone needs to know what's going on, Eddie."

"No, but…" Eddie frowned, thumb smoothing over Buck's temple and around his birthmark in a series of steady circles. "Most of the crew already know something is up after seeing you go to pieces by the pool. We've known for a while you haven't been okay because you haven't been eating with us and haven't been talking around the station, but after the lawsuit… Bobby thought you might need the space, that you might feel overwhelmed and push us away even further if we kept pushing you and asking if you were okay, so he… He said we should only intervene if we suspected you were being self-destructive and just…give you some time to process…"

Eddie paused and Buck had the awful feeling that the fear and the anger and the hurt had flickered in his face for a fleeting second but Eddie had seen it anyway. He didn't know what had given him away, or maybe something had crept into his eyes, but sure enough, Eddie's eyebrow rose in a silent question that made Buck's intestines twist into a figure-eight around his stomach.

"I haven't- I mean- I- I've probably drunk too much on the off-shift days but it's- I have it under control," he said, and even if he'd wanted to sound convincing, he knew he hadn't. He wasn't good at lying when Eddie was gazing at him, fingers smoothing through his hair.

Eddie hummed again but there was more disbelief this time than the last. "Like you've got your fear of water under control?"

"That's not- That's- That's different," Buck protested but Eddie was staring at him with absolutely no amusement and Buck knew his lies were as transparent as glass now that Eddie was starting to put all his feelings under the microscope, unearthing all the secrets he'd been trying to bury. "The water nearly killed me, _and_ Christopher," Buck pointed out and Eddie flinched, like it was something he hated thinking about as much as Buck. Maybe how close Eddie had come to losing Christopher kept him awake at night too. He remembered overhearing Eddie talking to Maddie at a dinner Bobby had after the tsunami, before the lawsuit, where he'd told her he felt so guilty because he hadn't even realised they were missing. Buck had tried to pretend he hadn't heard it. Once the lawsuit happened, it seemed irrelevant.

"That tsunami was just- Eddie, I saw so many dead bodies, so many people swept away that I couldn't save, and I was with Christopher… And that was- You will _never_ understand it. You might wake Chris up from his nightmares and you might talk with Bosko about it but it's… I can't explain it to you in ways you'll understand, and honestly I'm glad you'll never understand it because it- It's not something else you should have to deal with on top of everything else you've gone through." Buck glanced up at Eddie, at the mournful shimmer in his eyes, and he was definitely glad Eddie couldn't truly understand. "So drinking a bit is a…a way to block it out for a while when I get home from a shift, and that can help me sleep without waking up wondering if I still have all my limbs attached or why I'm not drowning anymore."

"And how _has_ the alcohol and blocking it out been working out for you?"

Buck grimaced at the accusatory tone, pulling himself from Eddie's lap even though he was fairly sure he'd stay there as long as he could if anyone actually asked. But Eddie's question rankled his nerves because he refused to feel more ashamed than he already did. He was just trying to survive. He was just trying to keep living another day, putting distance between him and the disaster that nearly cost him his life until it no longer hurt so much.

"I don't need an intervention staged by our recovering Captain, Eddie. I'm not an alcoholic."

"Good, because I wasn't suggesting one. Yet." Eddie's hand clasped his shoulder, tugging him back into paying attention with the pain that flared through his awareness. "What I _am_ suggesting is you start realising how deeply flawed your logic is because drinking so you can sleep _is_ self-destructive, Buck."

Eddie's thumb pushed against a coil of tension beneath his skin and Buck shut his eyes, struggling to suck in a breath through all the emotions that Eddie kept making him feel with his words and his touches alongside how tender his skin was with the bruises. He'd spent so long trying to make himself immune to how Eddie's presence made him feel and now it felt like he was drowning in it again, wanting to press closer and at the same time needing to cloak himself in space to restore the boundaries he'd erected between them.

"And when you realise your logic is a mess, then we need to help you get over your fear of water. Or we need to help you stay sober on your days off so you can think straight when you're on shift rather than turning up still hungover. If you realise there are problems in what you're doing or how you're feeling, we can – and _will_ – set up systems to support you. You know that," Eddie insisted, the amount of confidence infused in his words leaving no opportunity for Buck to try to argue against it. "The whole 118 would have your back, just like I have since I joined the 118. We save perfect strangers every time our alarms go off so you'd damn well better believe we'd all pitch in to save one of our own when we've all been hearing the alarms going off about his wellbeing."

Buck hadn't realised how badly his hands had started shaking during Eddie's speech – did it count as a tirade when Eddie was so calm and so assured? – until Eddie's hand shifted from his shoulder and down his arm, fingers curling loosely around Buck's wrist as the older man shifted closer behind him and held him in a slack sort of half-embrace.

"Please, Evan. Let us help," Eddie murmured against his ear as he hooked his chin over Buck's shoulder and Buck would later pretend that it was the use of his first name which got through to him, and not the way he felt safe and protected by Eddie holding him like that.

He managed a small nod and allowed Eddie's arms to fold around him in a stronger bear hug. Eddie's tactility had never surprised or bothered him – Eddie had a young son, after all – but it did feel like a _lot_ when Buck still felt undeserving of the compassion and warmth. And especially when Buck had been avoiding getting too close to anyone for months. Distantly, he'd started believing he was cursed.

"So what do we do now?" Buck eventually asked, because Eddie stayed silent for too long and being held like this was rapidly becoming awkward when he had deeply buried feelings he knew Eddie didn't.

Eddie shrugged, making Buck's whole body move with the action too. "You find a movie or a TV show we can watch. In about an hour, we'll order pizza that doesn't have pineapples but might have mushrooms because Christopher's not here or we can call that Japanese place you like. And when it's finally time to get some rest, hopefully you'll feel relaxed enough knowing that people care about you that it keeps the nightmares away. And if not, I'll be here on the couch and can wake you up."

"You- _What_?" Buck said, blinking rapidly and glancing over his shoulder at Eddie sitting pressed against him with an incredibly nonchalant expression on his face. Eddie was going to _sleep over_?

"I told you Christopher is with Carla. I'm not leaving you tonight. Not after the panic attack today, not after you've finally started talking and I'm not convinced you'd be okay if I left after stirring up all those emotions and memories." Eddie squeezed him. "Opening up is scary and facing all the thoughts is difficult. You think I'd leave you alone with all that and expect you to sleep peacefully?"

"I- I don't know," Buck struggled to formulate a coherent thought because Eddie was staying over. _Eddie was staying over_. And Eddie might've woken him from a nightmare before, but it still wasn't something Buck particularly wanted his friend to witness again. It wasn't something he wanted _anyone_ to witness, frankly. Once was easy to dismiss as an irregular event. Two no longer reeked of being an anomaly. "I don't want you to feel like you have to be here."

"Being here for you would never be something I feel forced into," Eddie assured, tilting his head until it bumped into Buck's. "Let me take care of you, Buck. Even if you say no, I'm not leaving you without a fight and I have a kid. I guarantee any stubbornness you want to attempt, so has he – and he always loses and so will you."

Buck huffed a small laugh despite how every cell in his body seemed to pulse with negativity and disgust, unwilling to allow Eddie to see him when he felt so low and lost and yet equally desperate not to feel alone anymore. "I really can't argue with you?"

"Not a chance," Eddie declared and Buck sighed, still filled with misgivings but relaxing into Eddie's grip. He didn't really have the energy to argue anyway.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww. Buck finally got some much needed cuddles. See? I promised there'd be some better days ahead...... Are we satisfied? Let me know or come talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	7. Chapter 7

**Word Count:** 4,370  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter contains a brief mention of a nightmare, discussions about destructive behaviours, and a range of pretty negative thought patterns. There's also some Google Translate'd Spanish, so I apologise for that in advance too.

* * *

He curled his body against the oncoming wave, mentally preparing for the smashing force of the water in the fractions of a second before it hit. His spine bowed under the weight and the stunning energy expelled whatever panicked air he'd absorbed into his lungs and even as he fought against the water that tried to yank his limbs in every direction, even as he tried to keep track of where the light was so he could find the surface again, even as he tried to keep his fingers gripped around Christopher's-

He slammed into something harder than concrete and his last gasp of air bubbled past his lips, and water trickled down his throat, and when his breathing hitched, more water entered his lungs until he started to feel it burn, and it started to weigh him down, and it was soaking his clothes, and cascading into his boots, and then he wasn't sure what was up or down anymore. Maybe this was it. Maybe after all his near-misses recently, this was how he finally died.

And it was painful, but it was oddly peaceful too. There was a roaring silence in his ears, and every other sense dulled as he sank, and yet floated, but then everything became darker and darker and-

" _Evan_."

He struggled against the arms on his shoulders, pinning him to something soft and bouncy, and his heart restarted in a racing gallop and his scrambled thoughts collapsed in on each other and he choked on his breathing and a sob when he realised there wasn't any water around him and he could actually inhale air.

"You're safe, Buck. You're in your bed. You're not drowning." Rough hands curved under his shoulders, heaving him into a sitting position and temporarily disorienting him as he flailed and his fingers connected with an arm or a face or a chest. "Hey, hey. C'mon, Evan. It's me. It's Eddie. You're okay, _querido_. Breathe for me."

Perhaps, more than anything, it was the Spanish that scattered the remaining bits of fog which lingered around his awareness. "Eddie?" he gasped, hands fisting into a soft t-shirt and his breathing stuttering as strong arms surrounded him, as warmth pressed against his chest where moments ago there had been cold water smothering him.

"Yeah, it's me. Just breathe, Buck," Eddie murmured, a hand cradling his head as Buck folded into Eddie's grasp and held on until he stopped shaking, until his lungs stopped aching, but then his hysteria gave way to shame and guilt and hatred and he had to- "Hey, it's okay. You don't-"

Buck shook his head, pulling away and wrapping his arms around his waist as he stood on wobbly legs and stared out the darkened window. How many hours had he scraped together for sleep this time? How long had Eddie been trying to wake him? Why couldn't he just get drunk until he passed out and slept somewhat dreamlessly?

"Talk to me," Eddie pleaded and Buck dropped his head, looking at his feet even though he could only see the faintest of outlines from the light that glowed from somewhere downstairs that Eddie must have turned on. "Buck, you- I could hear you struggling but when I got up here, you weren't breathing and I-"

"I wasn't breathing?" he whispered, rubbing a hand across his chest and feeling the skipping heartbeats pounding against his sternum. No wonder it hurt.

"You were just…writhing around in the sheets and making these…these godawful noises but it wasn't- I wouldn't call it _breathing_ , exactly."

Buck inhaled, realising just how raw his throat felt as if for the first time. He wondered how many other times he'd stopped breathing in the middle of a nightmare, how many other times he'd been alone and choking with no one to wake him from the terror than enveloped him.

"Evan?"

"I w-was drowning," he said, voice trembling and husky. "I was drowning, _again_ , and then I… I stopped fighting. I- I didn't- I didn't want to f-fight anymore." He rubbed at his chest again, scratching the fabric over his skin and trying to get his lungs to inflate normally and regularly. "Have you ever…?"

"Dreamt about dying?" Eddie asked when Buck trailed away, unable to put his thoughts into words. Buck made a small noise of affirmation and, behind him, Eddie exhaled with a soft sort of whistle between his teeth. Buck had heard him make the same noise before, usually when he was faced with a particularly difficult decision to make when they were on a call and he was weighing pros and cons. "I- I have, yes. After getting back from my tours, I… Some of what I saw left scars on my psyche, I guess. It's…been a while, though. Time has helped."

Buck sucked in a nervous breath and bit at his bottom lip until he felt strips of skin peel away and he could taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue. "I- I'm so… _tired_ , Eddie."

"I understand," Eddie said, gentle and slow and filled with knowledge that made Buck's knees tremble. The bed creaked as Eddie shifted and light filled the room with the illumination of the lamp on his bedside table. "What do you need, Evan? What helps?"

"Besides alcohol?"

"Besides that."

Buck shrugged, hating that his drawn shoulders and attempts to make himself smaller were on display now that the light was on. He wished he could just cover himself in an invisibility cloak and blink out of existence. "I don't know. I- I usually drink or I go for a run."

"A run?"

"Until… Until I can't breathe anymore," he mumbled, thinking of all the times he'd run until he thought his heart was going to explode out of his mouth and his leg burned with a reminder that he probably shouldn't have been running that hard, that far, on such firm surfaces after the crush injury.

"Is that- You haven't been eating well lately, have you?"

Buck shrugged again, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "I eat when I'm hungry, or I have to, but I- It hasn't exactly been a priority. I haven't really had much of an appetite so I… I haven't paid as much attention to it."

"Shit, Buck. Haven't you realised you've lost weight?"

Buck glanced over his shoulder, brows rising as he met Eddie's eyes. Eddie just gazed at him, mouth slightly agape in surprise or shock. Buck wasn't sure.

"You haven't realised," Eddie repeated flatly, but it no longer sounded like a question, and he shook his head slowly as he rolled off the bed and got to his feet. "Buck, have you spoken to anyone about _any_ of this?"

He rolled his eyes, turning slowly on the spot and crossing his arms over his chest. "Of course not. Please stop with the dad mode, Eddie. I don't need you to parent me."

"Don't get defensive with me," Eddie admonished, even as Buck felt his defensiveness rise because he hated feeling like he was being treated like a child. He'd left home almost a decade ago for a reason. "You've been running yourself into the ground, literally and physically. I thought- No, I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry I- I didn't realise how much you were struggling, Buck. I've been so caught up in so many other things lately and I- I'm _sorry_."

And now it was Buck's turn to stare in confusion as Eddie inched towards him. "It's not your fault."

"You said there was no reason to stay," Eddie said, echoing a comment Buck had spoken out of anger, and fear, and spite, and Buck felt his heart twist in his chest because Eddie was straying too close to all the deepest, darkest thoughts he usually had when he woke up from a nightmare without anyone around and he couldn't deal with that right now. He couldn't let Eddie see through all the masks he kept wearing at the station. "Why don't you see that you have a family who loves you?"

"Maddie has Chimney," he whispered, folding his arms over his chest and refusing to meet Eddie's eyes when he saw the frown that flickered across Eddie's face.

"And Hen? Bobby?"

"Karen and Athena," he parroted like it was obvious, teeth digging into his lip when he saw Eddie take another step towards him.

"Christopher?"

"Has you."

"And who do _I_ have?"

Buck opened his mouth to say Eddie had Christopher before realising that he didn't want to be insensitive after Eddie had talked about losing Shannon and being afraid of losing Buck. Eddie caught his hesitation and paused, giving him the chance to process and answer, but Buck didn't have an answer that made sense because Eddie was his best friend, and maybe he was Eddie's best friend, but it suddenly occurred to him that he didn't really know much about the rest of Eddie's friends. Did he have other people he saw regularly? Did he have army buddies he caught up with? It was crushing to realise he didn't know his best friend as well as he would have liked and he hated how it left him feeling ill.

When it became clear he wasn't going to answer, or maybe that he couldn't find an answer, Eddie spoke again.

"Even if all those people have someone significant in their lives, _you're_ still part of the family at the 118." Eddie gazed at him, head tilted as he watched Buck closely and Buck tried to keep his expression neutral as he stared at a point on the wall. "And even if you don't feel like you're a part of the 118 right now, you're still a part of _my_ family, Evan. You matter to Christopher _and_ me."

Staring at a point on the wall was pretty freaking hard when _those_ sorts of statements started being said. "Eddie…"

"You're my best friend," Eddie continued, resuming his slow steps towards Buck, "and I didn't see how much you were struggling. But I do now and I- I'm here and I really want to help. So how can I help? What do you need?"

Buck really wished he knew but he'd been suppressing so many feelings so thoroughly, ignoring how alone and lonely he felt, that now he just felt lost. It had been so clear in the immediate aftermath of the tsunami that everyone had someone else, except him. Everyone had been around after his leg was crushed, and there'd been barbecues that he'd hobbled around at while he was in rehab, but then he'd had the clot and everyone had fussed around him again but with more wariness, more trepidation, like they were afraid he'd collapse on them again. It began to irritate him, frustrating him that they needed to handle him with kid gloves, because he was desperate to prove he could get back to work but he kept being told no.

And then the tsunami happened and everyone had closed ranks within their familial systems and – inadvertently or deliberately – shut him out. They'd all found comfort in their loved ones, reassuring themselves that everyone they cared about was safe. Even Maddie hadn't really checked on him as much as he might have expected because she'd been focused on Chimney. He'd collapsed at the VA hospital into Hen and Bobby and Chim's arms but they'd attached to Karen and Athena and Maddie, respectively. The cut on his arm had needed stitches, and the blood thinners had made terrible bruises linger beneath his skin for weeks afterwards, but somehow it was like they thought he'd just…keep moving forward.

And even though Eddie had kept leaving Christopher with him, even though Eddie had said he trusted Buck and even though Eddie kept yanking the sheets off his body to stir him out of bed, it hadn't felt the same between them after the tsunami. Maybe that was because Buck felt so much guilt and hatred and doubt that he was responsible for Christopher when Eddie went to work. After all, Christopher had been in such danger because of him and how could Eddie _keep_ trusting him after _that_?

And then he'd levelled a lawsuit at the LAFD, and at Bobby personally, and he'd been told to keep his distance from everyone, and every relationship he'd had in the 118 had splintered into shards that sliced through his palms and had left scars criss-crossing his soul. Eddie shouting at him that he'd needed to be bailed out of jail had been the worst sort of pain because he could tell he was being replaced by Bosko, that she had become Eddie's new best friend and Buck was just some…some sort of babysitter for Eddie when he couldn't ask his family or Carla for help.

Even now, even after all the apologies and all the attempts to be on his best behaviour so that he could prove his worth and value to the team, it still felt like there were cracks that were waiting to be exploited. Sometimes he could almost remember the platform of broken glass he was floating on after the tsunami, and it felt like he was on it again with everyone else circling him, waiting for him to slip and fall and cut himself and bleed out before they offered any sort of help.

"Evan?" Eddie said, barely concealing the apprehension in his tone.

"I don't deserve it," he mumbled, looking away and scrunching his eyes when the unbidden thought escaped his lips because he couldn't bear to look at Eddie after saying that. After everything he'd done, after everything he'd put the team through though, he knew it was true. "I don't- I hurt all of the 118 but I _especially_ hurt you. I wasn't there for you when you needed your best friend."

"No, you weren't, but I've forgiven you for that."

Buck shook his head, his breath catching in his sore lungs. "Shannon died and I wasn't there for you either."

"Your leg got crushed. I wasn't exactly there for you the way I would've wanted to be."

"And then Christopher could have died because of me."

"But he also _lived_ because of you," Eddie insisted, his voice unwavering even when Buck could feel parts of his walls crumbling because why couldn't Eddie understand how much hurt he felt? Why couldn't Eddie just accept it was his fault? "He has told me how his Buck saved him more times than I can remember. You couldn't have predicted a _tsunami_ would hit Los Angeles, for crying out loud."

"No, but-" Buck could feel his heart thudding in his chest and the sick churning in his stomach as he pressed his lips together, fighting the words that had tattooed themselves across his tongue because apparently all his self-loathing was willing to be displayed at some godawful hour of the night or early morning when they should both be exhausted from the shift and sleeping it all off and not peeling away almost all of Buck's deepest fears and insecurities.

"What?"

"No."

"Buck." Hands pressed against his cheeks, fingers settling under the line of his jaw again and drawing his eyes open until he was staring at the shadows covering half of Eddie's face and the intense darkness swirling within his worried brown eyes made Buck's breath catch. " _What_ aren't you telling me?"

He felt so powerless, even though he was taller than Eddie, even though he was a firefighter and could lift someone like Eddie over his shoulder and carry him down several flights of stairs, even though he was an adult – or meant to be an adult – who could take care of himself. He looked at Eddie, at the way Eddie's eyes kept searching his and the slight furrow of his brow as if he could somehow read the words that kept dancing across Buck's thoughts but they were reversed, or inverted, and he couldn't really decode-

"If the bombing or the truck had killed me, or if I'd thrown the clot at home when none of you were around and hadn't been able to start CPR, then- then Chris never would have been at the pier that day. He never would have been in such danger because I- I wouldn't have been alive to take him there," he spat out, the words so sour on his tongue as tears pricked his eyes because the furrow between Eddie's brows parted and there was this devastating moment of realisation when Buck almost thought he could hear Eddie's heart crack in his chest. Terror twined around his soul because maybe Eddie would realise just how awful he felt and he'd report it to Bobby, and then Bobby would force Buck onto the sidelines again because a Captain couldn't allow him to be running into dangerous situations feeling like this. "And not being there when you needed me was- It's unforgivable what I did, what I was putting you through, when you needed someone so I- I don't deserve you being here now because it- it would only be fair that I- You just- You shouldn't-"

"Please s-stop," Eddie whispered, folding his arms around Buck's shoulders and releasing a sob somewhere against his neck while his fingers twisted into Buck's shirt, pulling the fabric taut against his skin. "Please, _querido_. _No puedo escuchar más de esto_. I can't hear more of this."

"But-"

"No." Eddie shook his head and clung to Buck and it was only then that he realised how much Eddie was trembling. Almost unwillingly, still feeling entirely undeserving, he wrapped his arms around Eddie's torso and held the other man against him. "I told you I couldn't imagine telling Christopher you were gone and I had to-" Eddie released a shuddering breath that tickled across his neck. "Seeing you trapped under the truck was like all the guys I'd seen get blown up in their Humvees and end up trapped and bleeding out because we were taking fire and couldn't get them evac'd. And then you… You were collapsing into Bobby's arms and I just remember shouting at Karen to get Christopher inside while Hen and Chim and I were pushing everyone aside so we could switch CPR rotations and when I glanced up, I could see Bobby holding Maddie back while Athena was calling 911."

It was a part of the whole clot ordeal that Buck had never wanted to ask about. Now that he knew, he wasn't sure he wanted the mental images it conjured.

"When I saw you collapse into their arms after the tsunami, or when you radioed that that elevator was filling with water, or when you collapsed again yesterday, I just kept thinking that I-" Eddie gripped him tighter, sniffling against his shoulder and flexing his fingers against Buck's back as he clearly worked to keep himself together. "Buck, my son might be my whole world now that I… I've had to manage without Shannon and the thought of her in our lives, but you are an integral part of _my_ world _and_ his. Our lives wouldn't be better if you weren't in it."

Buck _wanted_ to believe every word Eddie spoke. He was desperate to soak all the words into his skin until they washed away all the darkness and filth and grit that seemed to have seeped into his soul after the tsunami and been compounded by the lawsuit, but…he'd built up so many walls to his feelings that it was hard to believe any of it anymore. It had become too easy in those weeks of aborted attempts at contact to convince himself that he didn't really matter to anyone at the firehouse, not like how they mattered to him. They all had lives and families outside of the job and Buck… What did _he_ have outside of _them_?

"Christopher needs you, Buck," Eddie said, pulling away and staring at Buck with eyes filled with unshed tears. " _I_ need you, Evan. Okay? You don't have to believe me right now but I can't imagine my life without you in it. And I'll keep saying it every day if I have to, until you finally get tired of hearing it because you _do_ believe it."

Buck wondered just how patient Eddie could be given that Buck tended to be irrational in tenuous situations. He could easily imagine Eddie pinning him down and hitting him repeatedly while chanting that he mattered, in some sort of morbid and faintly hysterical display of _care_.

Eddie held his gaze with an expectant arch of his eyebrow until Buck finally relented and gave a small nod, which made Eddie break into a grin filled with such joy that it rivalled some of the warmest and brightest grins Buck had ever seen on Christopher's face and he had a realisation of exactly where Chris had inherited his smile from. He tried to ignore how his heart stuttered in his chest at the smile and attempted to focus on anything else instead, like how Eddie's arms had loosened around him and his fingers had hooked around some of Buck's to tug him towards the bed.

"What are you-"

"Do you want me to leave you and go back downstairs?" Eddie paused, his happiness and determination of only moments ago melting into uncertainty. "I can-"

"No, it- I'm just- I haven't…had anyone stay with me for a…a while," he said, barely able to meet Eddie's eyes because he'd certainly never had a _guy_ stay with him in this bed and he knew that before the lawsuit and the tsunami, he'd had some sort of feeling that had felt like more than just friendship. Feelings he knew that he'd never speak about because they'd never be returned.

"Then you tell me what you want or need and I'll do it," Eddie promised and after another moment of hesitation, Buck nodded and slid onto his mattress beside Eddie.

It was awkward, both lying on their backs and staring at the ceiling. There was too much silence. Their bodies were coiled with too much tension. The bedside lamp was still on.

"Are you tired?" he asked when he felt as though he'd been there for an hour in awkward stillness when it was probably less than five minutes.

"Are you?"

"Yeah, but…I'm afraid of more nightmares," he said, knowing the edges of his awareness were always crowded with the oncoming sensation of dying.

"That makes sense." Eddie rolled over and extinguished the light, but there was still a dim glow from downstairs which meant Buck could see the faintest outline of Eddie's shape. "Have you worked out anything that helps with the anxiety about sleeping?"

"No," Buck muttered, tracing the lines of shadows across the ceiling. "Only drinking."

"Hardly the healthiest of options," Eddie sadi thoughtfully, and Buck could imagine the faint teasing smile at the edge of his mouth. "C'mere."

" _What_?"

"Roll towards me and I'll hold you."

"You-"

"-don't have to but it's fine, I'm offering. Come on." Eddie's hand tapped at his chest and with no small amount of discomfort, Buck rolled onto his side and tentatively arranged himself near Eddie until the other man started more forcefully adjusting his limbs and he had his head against Eddie's collarbone, his arm slung over Eddie's belly. Eddie's arm wrapped around his shoulders, the other cradling his head and slowly smoothing fingers through his hair.

And it was…more soothing than he could even try to explain.

"This okay?"

Buck felt woefully out of his depth when, at some point almost a year ago, he might've imagined this happening. And then Shannon had shown up and-

He nodded and shifted slightly until he'd found the comfortable grooves of Eddie's body to lay within, closing his eyes when the bridge of Eddie's nose settled against his forehead. He could feel the soft puffs of Eddie's inhales and exhales tickling over his skin. He could feel the rise and fall of Eddie's stomach against the inside of his arm. He could hear the regular beat of Eddie's heart against his ear. And the fingers in his hair were dragging at his tenuous control.

"Breathe with me until everything starts to feel loose and heavy," Eddie murmured, his blunt nails against Buck's scalp almost making him ache with how much he'd missed having someone just _hold_ him. It wasn't even about sex sometimes. He just needed to be _held_. He just needed the intimacy of being touched and cared for, and he'd been denying any sort of comfort since Ali broke up with him, since the bombing. Maybe even a bit before that. "Nice and easy, Buck. You're safe here. I'll keep you safe."

And Buck, as he started breathing in and breathing out in an effort to maintain a slow and peaceful drift to sleep, found it wasn't long before he became less and less aware of Eddie's gentle, soothing voice that gradually led to a darkness that wasn't so terrifying.

* * *

Eddie insisted he said nothing to the rest of the crew but there was no denying that Bobby put a slightly larger portion of food on Buck's plate than usual at their next shift, or that Hen sat on the couch next to him when he curled up to watch TV in their brief moments of down-time between calls and threaded her fingers through his hair and asked how he was doing, or that Chim wouldn't take no for an answer when he invited himself to one of Buck's dinner-dates with Maddie. They all started to… _care_ , or at least they showed it, again, in a way that seemed too contrived for them not to have been tipped off by Eddie, at least in some way.

Bobby quietly slipped him a card for a therapist and said that any future calls involving water would see Buck assigned to some sort of job that kept him away from the liquid terror that threatened to consume him.

He couldn't tell if he was grateful for the care or frustrated to be handled like some sort of delicate flower.

Mostly he just wished awful things would stop happening.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you playing along, this was the original 'end' for the fic (and the first two chapters didn't exist) before it blew out to something enormous. Will we regret that choice? Quite possibly. Let me know your thoughts below or I'm on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	8. Chapter 8

**Word Count:** 3,029  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** No specific warnings for this chapter.

* * *

"Buck's here!" Hen shrieked, and he heard various echoing greetings that he responded to with a nervous wave as he descended the stairs of Bobby and Athena's place.

"Hey guys," he said, extending a pumpkin pie towards Bobby that was totally homemade and definitely not store-bought. He'd even broken off little bits of the crust, and put the pie on a plate and covered it in plastic to make it seem terrible and so therefore completely believable that he'd contributed something, anything, to the meal.

Bobby took one look at it, pursed his lips, met Buck's eyes and absolutely _knew_ it was something he hadn't made himself. Even so, Bobby thanked him and gave him a one-armed hug.

"Glad you came, kid," Bobby murmured against his ear and if Buck squeezed back a little tighter, held on a little longer, so that he could swallow away the tears… Well…

"Buck!"

He released Bobby to turn to his favourite kid in the world. "Hey, buddy," he said, lifting Christopher into a hug and squeezing the giggling kid against him, nuzzling into the wavering hand that patted his cheek and kissing the palm. "How are you?"

"I'm hungry," Chris said, making Bobby chuckle as he turned back to the kitchen with the pie.

Buck bounced Chris lightly on his hip. "You know you never leave these things hungry though, right? Bobby wouldn't let you be hungry."

"Yeah, I _know_ but I gotta _wait_. Dad wouldn't even let me have a snack after lunch," Chris pouted.

The mention of Eddie made Buck cast his eyes around the room, finding Eddie watching them with a smile that he covered up with a mouthful of beer. "I'd offer to sneak you something from the kitchen but I don't want to get into trouble with your Dad," Buck said, shifting carefully through the various people milling around in search of the drinks table. "He can be pretty scary."

"Dad's not scary!" Christopher protested, arms winding tighter around Buck's neck as they moved in an effort to avoid being dropped. "Dad loves us too much to be scary to _us_."

The casual use of the ' _l_ ' word nearly made Buck drop the kid.

"Uh… Y-Yeah." He lowered Chris to the floor and reached for a bottle of beer to hide how his fingers trembled. "Do you want something, champ? A soda? Juice?"

"I'm okay," Chris said, bumping into his leg. "I'm happy you're here, though."

Buck felt as though his brain had short-circuited with Christopher's previous words. He ran his fingers absently through Chris' curls and shot him a smile. "I am too, kiddo."

Christopher's beaming smile outshone the sun as he wandered away, attaching himself to Denny and Harry playing video games in the corner while May routinely rolled her eyes and tried to point out a better way to earn a higher score to her brother, who apparently didn't want to listen to her.

"Glad you made it." Hen sidled up to him and bumped her hip into his as she reached for a fresh drink. "We were starting to think you didn't love us anymore."

And Buck really needed people to stop saying things like 'love' that poked at the sore spots on his heart.

"How could I ever stop loving you?" He wrapped a loose arm around her shoulders and twirled them to face the gathered group that were gathered in different comfy locations around Bobby and Athena's living room. "This madhouse is the only place I fit in."

She jabbed at his chest, a grin tugging at the edge of her lips. "Don't say that too loud. Athena might arrest you."

His eyes widened in mock horror and she laughed, shaking out of his arm to return to Karen's side like the other half of a magnet.

For a moment, he just sort of…surveyed the group and wondered when it had started to feel a little easier to be in their presence. Certainly after he'd unveiled the scarred bits of his soul to Eddie, but it was more than that. He'd been around to Bobby and Athena's plenty of times and felt like he was on the outside of everything. There were jokes that must have started at the station when he was in rehab which had been brought to the dinner, and he hadn't understood. There were comments between Maddie and Chim that exposed how much time they truly spent around each other, making him realise how his sister was growing away from him again. There were started questions and finished answers between Eddie and Hem that betrayed the number of playdates Chris and Denny had been having, which Buck couldn't begrudge but still left him feeling like he didn't belong.

But this time just felt…different.

"Hey." He blinked, managing something resembling a smile as Eddie's elbow brushed against his when the other man reached for a fresh drink. "You doing okay?"

He didn't have a perfect answer. He knew it wasn't that easy. He'd had another restless night and texted Eddie in the middle of it, needing to just _reach out_ to someone to keep the darkness at bay. He wasn't surprised when he hadn't gotten an immediate response but he was grateful for the bleary-eyed photo of a smiling Christopher when his alarm had gone off that morning.

"I'll get there," he replied, letting Eddie draw him away from the drinks table and over to where Maddie, Chim and Athena were having a spirited discussion about the best holiday movies.

"Back me up here, Ev," Maddie said, looping her arm around his elbow. "It's absolutely _Jingle All The Way_."

"Please tell me you have better tastes in movies than your sister otherwise I'm judging your whole family," Athena said with a grin.

"I mean…" Buck looked between Maddie's hopeful grin and Athena's raised eyebrow and Chim's furious attempt to avoid laughing. "It definitely reminds me of the holidays, for better or worse."

"That is _so_ not backing me up. Sibling privileges _revoked_!" Maddie announced and he pressed his lips together around a smile and sipped his beer. "Besides, Arnold in _Kindergarten Cop_? A classic for the _ages_!"

* * *

"So I think after everything that the house has gone through this year, I'm going to make a very cheesy declaration and request we say what we're thankful for," Bobby said, drawing a few muttered groans from various participants at the table who were summarily silenced with a filthy glare from Athena.

Hen went first, volunteering how grateful she was for Karen and their attempts at a baby and Denny for putting up with the mood swings of two mothers. It drew plenty of laughs, even as Denny ducked his head.

Karen retorted that she was grateful for Hen jabbing her in the ass with the hormone injections which led to a whoop from Athena. Denny looked like he wanted to melt under the table.

"I'm thankful for finding a really great guy," Maddie said, eyes glittering with tears or maybe just catching the reflection from the outside lights as she reached for Chim's hand beside her.

"I'm thankful she even sees me as a great guy," Chim joked, earning him a swat to the back of his head. Buck pretended to gag, which made Maddie raise her hand towards him, but Denny laughed.

"I'm thankful I get to eat soon," Chris said and Buck started laughing at the scandalised look on Eddie's face as his head swivelled to look at Christopher between them.

" _That's_ the best you can come up with?" Eddie demanded and Chris shrugged, a small pout forming on his bottom lip, as he gestured towards the enormous amounts of food covering the table.

"I'm hungry."

Everyone else started laughing at that and Buck did his best to discretely wipe the tears from his eyes, even as Maddie nudged his foot beneath the table and sent a gentle smile his way.

"I'm grateful for having three parents this year," Harry said, somewhat shy as he glanced from Athena, to Michael, to Bobby. Athena gave a smile that was a bit wobbly around the edges as she reached a hand to her right for Bobby and left for Michael.

"I'm thankful to still have this hungry little caterpillar keeping me busy," Eddie said, scratching his fingers through Christopher's hair even as he looked over the top of his head at Buck with a very serious look that made the implications behind his words clear.

May said something about finalising her college essay topic, at last, and Denny mumbled something about his mothers and hoping for a new sibling, and Michael said he was thankful for Bobby bringing the light back to Athena's smile that led to a small 'aww' from her.

Buck was still mulling over Eddie's words, the warmth that had been within his tone and his eyes spilling into Buck's heart. As much as Eddie was thankful for Chris' life, he was thankful to Buck for saving it. Buck wondered if anyone else at the table had recognised the depth behind Eddie's words or if that was a secret only he had understood. He had to keep biting his lip when he thought about what it would be like to share secrets with Eddie in the company of everyone they knew.

"Buck?"

He zoned back in and realised everyone was staring at him with the weight of expectation that meant it had to be his turn and…he still didn't have anything.

He flushed, his face overheating as his eyes darted between Maddie and Eddie and Chris and Bobby.

"I… Uh…" Swallowing in an attempt to dislodge the nerves that crept into his throat, he managed a shaky sort of smile. "I'm thankful to…to be able to call you guys my family," he said, eyes lowering to his empty plate.

Maddie's ankle hooked around his beneath the table, her toes rubbing up the inside of his calf. He peered up at her and she had that soft little smile on her face again, the one she wore when he surprised her but made her inordinately pleased. She understood what it meant to have found the 118 as his – _their_ – family. She understood how much having a family again meant to him.

He felt Christopher's head bump into his arm and he glanced down, meeting the kid's bright grin with one of his own. Chris was easily the light of his life and days, and he wasn't ashamed to admit that to anyone who asked.

"Thank you all for sharing," Bobby said and Buck raised his eyes to look towards the Captain, except then he met Eddie's eyes instead and he forgot what it was to breathe. The intensity behind Eddie's gaze, the slight sheen the sparkled under the fairy lights… He wasn't sure what it was that he'd said which made Eddie look at him like _that_ but whatever it was, he needed to either figure it out to get the look more often or to never get it again so he could concentrate and avoid his face feeling overheated. "I- I wanted to say I'm thankful that you're all still here this year but I think that sounds too much like I'm copying Buck."

There were a few chuckles around the table and it broke whatever spell Eddie had cast over him, drawing a nervous smile to Buck's lips as he looked away and found the white ceramic plate in front of him very interesting.

"So I guess I'll just say I'm thankful we're all here, able to enjoy all this food that I'm sure Christopher is very keen to start-"

"Yep!"

"-so let's get into it."

Christopher cheered and everyone, even Buck, laughed at him.

Conversation settled around them all and Buck exchanged words with Maddie when she prodded him to participate, and passed plates back and forth with Eddie to ensure Chris got everything on offer, and felt lulled with a sort of peace that he hadn't felt since probably Christmas last year, before everything had gone to hell with Maddie and Doug, and Eddie and Shannon, and then his leg, and the clot, and the tsunami, and the-

"Buck?"

He blinked and looked down at Christopher hugging his legs, cupping his hand around the curly head of hair. Once the plates had been scraped and stacked for washing, everyone had started milling around and saying farewells and he'd gotten lost in his thoughts. Again.

"Yeah, bud?"

"You wanna come to the aquarium with Dad and me on Sunday?"

His breath caught in his lungs as he peered down at the kid, then looked across to where Eddie was chatting with Hen and Chim and laughing at something Chim had just said, head thrown back and the corner of his eyes creased with amusement. His heart did a jolt and he knew he was smiling too, which he really needed to get rid of before anyone else caught him staring. Like Eddie.

"Does your father know you're inviting me?" he said, crouching by Christopher and wrapping an arm around his back, tucking the kid into his side.

"He won't care," Chris said with a determined nod and tiny pout. "He likes you hanging out with us."

His heart skipped a beat. "Does he?"

"Yup. So you'll come?"

And when Chris asked like that… Who was he to say no?

Eddie wrapped him into a hug before he left that nearly made Buck never want to let go.

"I'm thankful we still have you, Evan," Eddie whispered into his ear, squeezing him tightly. "I'm grateful you're part of my family with Chris."

And Buck…really didn't know what to do with all the feelings that kept leaping around his chest and invaded his stomach.

* * *

It hadn't dawned on him, or Eddie, that going to the aquarium with Christopher might be a problem until _after_ they'd paid and descended three steps. Chris was squealing in Eddie's arms as he swung between their arms, and then it hit Buck like a bolt of lightning that he was literally _surrounded_ by water. The glass could crack and then the wave of water would hit him and there'd be shards of glass floating around him and he'd be consumed by the water and-

Eddie found him huddled against a wall several minutes later, grasping at his shirt and struggling to inhale while cursing himself for his stupidity not to think about the issue of _water_ and _being underneath it_.

Eddie had promised to bring Chris some other time and then they'd gone to a park, watching Chris feed some ducks and make friends with kids on the play equipment like the disruption to his planned excursion wasn't a problem.

Eddie had refused to let him go home to his apartment that night and so they'd shared a bed for the second time in as many weeks, which was as comforting as the first time. Sleeping over regularly was impossible because someone had to look after Christopher, or they were on a shift, or they both needed some space after a tough shift, but Eddie had definitely been texting him more often and frequently called after tucking Christopher into bed, and they'd just talk about…anything, really, until Buck's eyes began to close and he'd drift into an uneasy sleep. It helped him get better rest than when he'd been alone and anxious about sleeping, but it wasn't as good as actually having Eddie's warmth surround him.

Maybe that was why he was so unprepared when he awoke with a start, clawing at sheets and pillows and fabric and whatever _thing_ was holding his shoulders and stopping him from getting out of the bed and moving around to put space between him and the mattress. He could still taste salt in his throat, could still feel the force of the water buffeting him in different directions, could still feel his eyes burning and blood seeping down his cheek.

It took far too long before Eddie's voice started to filter into his awareness. There were fingers moving through his hair, a hand cradling the back of his neck, and some sort of soft Spanish song that might've been a lullaby when he began to comprehend it had just been another nightmare and he wasn't really back in the whirlpool of water. And then he was crumpling into tears, hands clenching into the fabric of Eddie's t-shirt as he sobbed apologies for losing Christopher and putting him in harm's way.

"Buck, you kept him _safe_ ," Eddie kept murmuring, keeping Buck somewhat awkwardly held in his lap. "You saved him, remember? You got him away from the pier and you brought him back to me."

"N-No. I _lost_ him and the w-woman-"

"Took care of him while you searched the city," Eddie finished, patient and calm and steady and reassuring. "He's in bed and he'll be awake in the morning demanding waffles or scattering cereal over the table, just like always. He's safe, you're safe. Just _breathe_ , Evan."

He cried until he was exhausted, even more exhausted than when he'd followed Eddie into the room and crawled into his arms to sleep. But, tired as he was, he still dragged himself out of the bed to see Christopher. In the small glow of the nightlight, Buck could see his tiny body beneath the blankets and he could hear his breathy, snuffling inhales and exhales.

"See?" Eddie whispered, arms curving around Buck's waist, hands settling across his stomach, chin hooking over his shoulder to peer into the room too. "He's okay. He's safe and alive and right here."

Buck wasn't sure how long he listened to Chris sleep but by the time he let Eddie lead him back to the bed, he felt calmer and was more willing to accept the comforting embrace as fingers trailed aimless patterns over his back.

Honestly, Buck really hated how many times he kept disintegrating in the middle of the night when he was around Eddie. It almost made him not want to have their little sleepovers just so he could hide what went on in his head better.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I do the fluffy gentle thing right for a change? Are we ready for the next wave of angst? Let me know below or come talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what we got in 3B regarding Eddie's cooking skills. It wouldn't have worked if I'd changed it though.

**Word Count:** 5,815  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter refers to alcohol abuse, descriptions of injuries as a result of violence, and includes a discussion about veteran suicide statistics.

* * *

When they weren't on-shift and Christopher was at school and Buck couldn't stand being idle because being idle meant he started thinking and once he started thinking – well, it was just better to not have the time to think – Eddie started turning up at his apartment. Ostensibly, it was to teach Buck how to cook more dishes because Bobby was the best chef in the house and Buck, by far, was the worst.

"It's because my parents never taught me," he protested, almost a week after the aborted attempt at visiting the aquarium. Eddie shook his head at Buck's miserable effort at peeling carrots upside-down and back-to-front and what did it even _matter_ as long as the carrots were peeled?

"Yes, I do believe we established they were less than stellar considering how quickly you and Maddie both left after graduating high school," Eddie pointed out, reaching for a knife to dice the potatoes. "You don't really talk about them much, though."

Buck frowned, focusing on the carrots so his hand didn't slip and then he sliced his hand open because wouldn't _that_ just be perfect. He might've stopped the blood thinners but that didn't mean he didn't still bleed a lot and he hardly needed his apartment to turn into something out of a horror movie. "What's there to say? Our mother was a ghost and our father was a monster. It's a wonder Maddie and I aren't werewolves or vampires."

"A menagerie of horror?"

Like everything Buck never wanted to talk about, he sought the deflection instead. "Hm. Not like that call to the Haunted House on Halloween. They needed to tone down the tomato sauce."

Eddie snorted, tossing the cubed potato into a pot and dousing them in water. "So your father-?"

Buck paused, lowering the peeler to the chopping board. It really would be too easy to injure himself talking about stuff like _this_. Stuff he kept even more buried than how he felt after the tsunami, stuff he kept even more buried than his feelings for Eddie. And it was buried for many reasons but one of the key reasons was Maddie. He didn't know what she'd told Chimney and he wasn't about to start talking now in ways which might affect her. And if Eddie was going to keep pushing, the Buck was going to say something he'd regret.

"Is there a point to all this dredging?" he said, his voice tight as he stared at the half-peeled carrots with a venom he hadn't expected.

Eddie must have realised he hadn't really been joking before because the pot settled against the counter a little too loud. "I- No, I just-"

"Then can we please talk about something else," Buck requested and it was clear from his tone it wasn't a question.

Eddie complied after a pause of undeniable awkwardness where Buck tried to breathe past the barrage of memories that even mentioning his father brought upon him. He switched to some new TV show he'd started watching that Christopher was enjoying, but there was an uncomfortable tension that lingered in Buck's shoulders long after Eddie had left to collect Christopher from school and he didn't answer Eddie's call that night when he saw the name flash across his phone.

The description of his father as a monster was, perhaps, harsh in hindsight. He wasn't like Doug, but he did use his words and those words were still seared into Buck's thoughts and his memories and his anxieties. The mention of his mother as a ghost was accurate enough, though. Buck was pretty sure he'd made national news after the truck incident and she hadn't gotten in touch to check on him. Neither of them had. He wasn't even sure if they knew Maddie had killed Doug, and the more he thought about them, and how absent they were from his life – by choice, by request, by demand? He wasn't even sure anymore – the louder the whispers in his head got. He could hear the gruff voice of his father's disappointment, the sneer in his tone, and Buck couldn't focus, couldn't think, couldn't _breathe_ because he so carefully kept all those hidden away. He wanted to tear at his hair and scream because it wasn't meant to be like this when he was awake. It wasn't meant to be like this after he'd hung out with Eddie.

He ignored whatever meal Eddie had been teaching him to make and scavenged through his fridge instead, deciding a liquid dinner was the best way to silence the noise. Maybe that was why he belatedly realised he couldn't feel his fingers and his eyelashes kept tickling his skin every time he blinked. There were four beers on his coffee table – at least, he thought there were four, there might've been eight – and he'd lost count of how many tequila shots he had when he'd stopped using a shot glass after the second. But his attention kept wandering back to his eyelashes and how irritating they were and he almost considered pulling each one out, but that hurt and his head hurt and why was there all that knocking at the door? Wouldn't someone let his neighbour in?

"Evan, let me in."

Oh. Someone wanted _him_?

He stumbled to his feet and staggered to the front door, leaning heavily against the frame as he surveyed the small bundle of brunette annoyance that was his older sister.

"What the _hell_ , Buck?" she said, poking at his chest while he blinked dumbly at her. "You're _drunk_?"

He shrugged, waving his latest bottle around and wondering which version of Maddie he was meant to be looking at when there were several drifting in and out of focus in front of him. "I'm getting there."

"Jesus," she muttered, swiping the beer bottle from his swaying hand and swallowing a mouthful. He almost complained about the loss but she glared at him so fiercely that he held off. Barely. "Time to get you to bed, then. Come on. You need to sleep this off."

"You're not my mom," he whined with a pout while she pushed him in the direction of his stairs – which seemed like a somewhat dangerous proposition, all things considered, when even walking in a straight line gave him fits of the giggles.

"No, I'm not. And you're not our father," she snapped and after all the memories he'd had funnelling through him for hours, spinning him into tighter and tighter circles, he couldn't help the flinch. Some of the expression in her face softened as she closed her free hand around his cheek. "Get your ass into bed and sleep this off, alright? I need you to be okay, Ev. I need my little brother to be okay."

He looked at her, tracing the miserable downturn of her lips and the curve of her eyebrows above sparkling eyes. "I'm okay, Mads."

The disbelief and doubt in her eyes were clear. "No, you're not, brother bear. Now get to bed."

If anyone ever wondered whether stubbornness was a Buck-thing or a Buckley-thing, they need only have had Buck and Maddie in the same room to realise it was undeniably genetic.

Buck allowed himself to be poked and prodded up the stairs to collapse into his bed, face first. Maddie's hands shifted him until he was on his side and she could shove a pillow under his head. Her fingers stroked through his hair for only a few minutes, helping to quell the flashes of harsh voices and angry words, before he started to feel consumed by the pull of sleep.

The following morning, he wished he had a cure for the hangover that pounded through his head.

Maddie's smug and satisfied grin over her mug of coffee hardly helped.

* * *

It was difficult to meet Eddie's eyes when Buck still had all the tangled thoughts and memories of his parents tugging at the edges of his alertness. It created an unsettling tension between them which didn't _really_ affect their work – Buck still responded to calls and had a tendency to know what Eddie was going to request before he actually asked – but it certainly affected their off-shift hangouts because Buck became more conscious of what he said or when he brushed too close against topics he didn't want to discuss.

It could've been easy. Buck could've just spat out information about his family, explained that his mother was rarely around or that nothing had ever been good enough for his father, but he had to consider Maddie as well. He had to think about what she wanted shared, because he knew she'd copped a lot when she'd decided to run off with Doug.

Sometimes he just put his head in his hands and wondered why, of all the many men in Los Angeles, his sister had to date someone in _his_ house.

One week slipped into two before Buck realised Eddie hadn't asked him anything – _any_ questions, including how he'd slept or what he'd had for breakfast. Once Buck realised that small, relatively inconsequential detail, it just seemed to make everything _more_ awkward because he knew it was his fault that he'd retreated into his own world of secret feelings and painful heartaches again.

He'd watched Eddie walk around the station a couple of shifts ago, physically present but with an emotional distance in his eyes and wondered how he was meant to fix that when he could barely find the words to say something casual between them. He'd even looked towards Bobby to determine if the Captain had realised Eddie seemed off or whether it was just Buck that was misreading everything, but Bobby hadn't met his eyes and didn't seem to be watching Eddie with a curious or puzzled frown so maybe it was just Buck's imagination.

He _did_ know that the odd, lingering bruises he'd glimpsed near Eddie's wrists or across his knuckles last shift hadn't been his imagination though, and he'd overheard Chim ask about the bruise on Eddie's shoulder when they'd been changing and Eddie say something about getting hit by Christopher's crutches. It sounded strange, his voice working around words that made Buck doubt him, but what was he meant to say? What was he meant to do? He longed to reach out, to close his hands around Eddie's and plead with him to take more care when he was hitting the bag because those hands were needed on a call. He wanted to tell Eddie to be more careful when he played with his son so that he didn't wince when he strapped an oxygen tank to his shoulder and didn't press his lips together into a white line when he lifted a vic into the ambulance.

But admitting any of his observations by approaching Bobby meant revealing how closely he monitored Eddie and perhaps how well he knew his partner because of all their off-shift time together trying to smooth the many wrinkles and heal the many breaks created by the lawsuit, and a series of near-death experiences. No one would understand why it mattered to Buck so much why they weren't talking anymore. No one would understand why Eddie's presence in his life mattered so much. No one would understand why shutting down talk about his parents had created this latest rift between them. Mostly because Buck couldn't even answer of the questions he knew they'd have. He just knew something wasn't right in his gut, the same way that he reacted during some calls.

He also knew, as he nursed his second beer on his thigh, that he probably should discuss with Bobby about the fuzzy line between drinking recreationally and drinking to escape his own thoughts. He was loathe to admit to anyone that it was becoming a regular thing to have a few drinks each night and it wasn't as though he was routinely getting drunk, or that Maddie was showing up pissed off at him and throwing bottles in his recycling container, but…he still had the uncomfortable feeling that he was heading towards a line that he was no longer afraid of putting a foot over.

He twirled the therapist's card that Bobby had given him between his fingers, the phone number surely imprinted on his retinas for the rest of his life now. He hadn't had mustered up the guts to call though. He didn't want to open up to anyone about anything. After he'd Googled questionnaires for post-traumatic stress disorder to start self-diagnosing, much like with the sex addiction, he'd found one of the first questions had been identifying ' _an_ event' or ' _the_ event'. It had been…unnerving, for lack of a better word. He had to identify _one_ event as though he hadn't gone through _multiple_ events.

And…maybe that should have been sign that kicked him up the ass to call the therapist listed on the card but…he'd still procrastinated it. It was one thing to try and acknowledge that what he'd been through during the year was 'traumatic', that it had left its marks on him. It was another thing entirely to start talking about it.

There was a knock at the door and he sighed, flicking the card towards the coffee table. It skated through the air while he padded to and unlocked the door.

And blinked as he surveyed a very-defeated looking Eddie Diaz on his doorstep.

"Hello?"

"Hi." Eddie's eyes wandered past Buck's head, like they'd been doing for a fortnight. It was almost enough to slam the door in his face. "I, uh… I wondered if you wanted company."

Buck held up his bottle with an arched eyebrow. "Who needs company when you're already hanging out with your best friend."

It was a low blow, and Eddie's undisguised flinch confirmed it.

"So if that was all-"

"I nearly killed someone," Eddie said, his foot jamming inside the door. Except Buck was frozen in wide-eyed shock at the blunt confession and hadn't even considered moving. "I- Cap's given me a couple of shifts off to…sort myself out but I… I felt like I owed you an explanation."

Buck blinked several more times before standing aside and letting Eddie enter the apartment. It felt like a conversation that required another beer – or ten – so he sauntered to the kitchen and collected another two bottles, one of which he gave to Eddie. Eddie fiddled with the neck of the bottle as he fell into step behind Buck, who returned to the couch and folded one leg beneath him as he turned expectant eyes on Eddie.

"I've been…fighting," Eddie said, standing with more discomfort and tension than Buck could ever recall. "Letting off steam, you know? I've been feeling so…so _angry_ and…so many things, I guess, and it just- It was helping."

Buck swallowed a mouthful of beer, conscious of the fact Eddie hadn't even popped the cap of his yet because he seemed more interested in fidgeting with it. Drinking at least gave Buck something to do with his hands and his mouth so he didn't say something stupid that would upset or enrage Eddie and make him shut down. Or worse: leave.

"But, uh… I got put on a fight card and it went too far and…I broke the guy's nose so badly some of the cartilage lodged in his brain," Eddie said in a rush, words blending together and taking Buck an extra few beats to process and separate and then process again.

"You _what_?" he eventually managed in something that sounded disturbingly like a squeak.

"I called 911. Lena's crew arrived and took him to the ER. And then she and her Captain got in touch with Bobby and he's…" Eddie shook his head, staring at some faraway point on the wall. "I suppose he's disappointed? It feels like so many of us in the house are barely holding it together but I've been trying so hard to stay in control and yet maybe everyone is just covering it up, you know? And I just- I've been an awful friend to you lately, I know that, and I'm sorry. Because I let my shit get in the way of being your friend and-"

"Have you gotten hurt?" Buck said, realising as he listened to Eddie that the last thing he wanted or needed was an apology or Eddie's guilt and shame pressing on his shoulders and dragging him under too. All he was understanding was that Eddie was about as okay as Buck.

Which was to say – Eddie was barely okay at all.

Good to know.

"Bruises and scrapes," Eddie shrugged, like it really didn't matter.

Only it did. Because suddenly the 'rough-housing' with Christopher comment from weeks, _months_ , ago took on a whole new dimension, a whole new lie that Buck wanted to yell about because _how_ many times had Eddie shown up at his place with bruises and scrapes beneath his Henley or his jacket, determined to comfort Buck when it was _Eddie_ that was falling apart? How many times had Eddie crushed down how he was feeling while encouraging Buck to open up?

 _Hypocrite_.

He wanted to yell about it but, instead, with his heart in his mouth, Buck swallowed his fury and hurt and anxiety as best as he could. "Show me."

"Buck-"

"Let me check you over."

"You think I can't do my own job?"

Buck fixed Eddie with a glare that allowed no argument. "Try me, Diaz. I dare you."

Eddie looked like he was trying to come up with an argument, _any_ argument, that would get him out of the situation he'd walked into but Buck was absolutely not budging. With a sigh, Eddie relented by depositing his untouched beer on the coffee table near the white business card. Buck wondered if he should pass it onto Eddie. Rolling his eyes, lips squashing together, Eddie tugged the red flannel shirt over his head. Buck bit his lip hard enough to bleed so he didn't react to the rainbow blossoms of angry colours that decorated Eddie's torso but even so…

"Eddie, what the _fuck_?" he breathed, his beer clattering to the table as he stood to get a closer look.

Eddie twitched when Buck's feather-light fingers skimmed the darkest patches of red and purple and black on Eddie's ribcage and stomach, reminding Buck faintly of the bruises that had covered him after the tsunami. He could feel Eddie tense when he got close to the silver streaks of scars that were stark against the mottled colours, healed scars from battles long ago. He wished he had the balls to ask but he suspected Eddie would never tell him. These injuries were… God, how many fucking _times_ had he come over and been injured?

"These look… _really_ bad, Eddie," he murmured, thumb smoothing along the patchy bloom on Eddie's collarbone while deliberately ignoring the way Eddie was gazing at him and the shallow way his chest was heaving. This was just Buck checking out injuries, not itemising muscles and scars. "Are you sure you haven't broken a bone or damaged a lung or something?"

"I'd be in the hospital with a chest tube if I had a busted lung," Eddie pointed out but Buck hardly listened to the pathetic excuse, tracing bruises and identifying the oldest and the newest, and the various stages of healing for each. With a hand on Eddie's shoulder, Buck moved to examine his back, identifying scratches from too-sharp nails on his shoulder blades and more uneven circles of sickening colour. It was clear this fighting thing was seriously bad news. There were other old scars on his back too. When his fingers passed over them, he pretended he didn't notice how Eddie's shoulders trembled and his exhales turned shaky.

"You're going to stop now, right?" Buck mumbled, fingers dragging over a streak of a bruise snaking from the knob of Eddie's spine to the wings of his shoulder blades. He didn't even want to imagine how Eddie had gotten that one.

"Now that Cap knows, I don't think I have a choice."

"Oh, _thanks_."

"No, I just meant-" Eddie sighed, pulling away from Buck so he could tug his shirt on again. Buck pretended not to notice the flex in Eddie's muscles and the pained hiss that escaped his lips. And then he turned, meeting Buck's eyes properly for the first time in weeks. "Cap knows, so it'll be a whole thing with him that maybe he'll clue the others into, or maybe he won't. Either way, I won't be able to fight again. He'll keep tabs on me."

"Pity," Buck said with absolutely no pity in his voice because it was taking a _lot_ of his own willpower not to hit Eddie himself for his stupidity. "Why didn't you just come and talk to me?"

"You've had your own stuff going on and I-"

"That doesn't mean I'm not here. I thought I was your friend."

"You are, I just-" Eddie frowned, eyes skipping over Buck's face. "You can't deny it's been different between us lately. And not all of that is on me."

Buck pressed his lips together so tightly to avoid exploding that it hurt. He was almost certainly scowling and he didn't care. Scooping up his bottle of beer, he almost hurled himself back onto the couch and glowered at the label until the words blurred behind his red-tinted vision.

"Buck?"

" _You_ came _here_ ," Buck said, unable or unwilling to disguise his anger, and bitterness, and frustration, and hurt. "So if you've finished absolving yourself of your guilt or providing an explanation for what you do in your own time, then-"

"That's not what this is."

"Isn't it?" Buck retorted, his glare shifting to Eddie over the rim of his bottle. "You nearly kill a guy. You're getting beaten half to death. You get pissed at _me_ for not talking about some _nightmares_ but then _you're_ doing _that_."

"I-" Eddie rubbed a hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know it's not my finest moment but-"

"Did you ever stop to think about if you _had_ broken a rib which pierced a lung and no one at your fight club knew how to deal with it?" Buck was glad he had a glass bottle because his fingers were curled so tightly he would have crushed a can until the metal cut through his hand. Even so, he wondered if it was possible to shatter the glass. "Did you ever stop to think about what would have happened if some guy broke _your_ nose so badly that cartilage lodged in _your_ brain?"

"I know I-"

"Did you ever stop to think about what would have happened to _Christopher_ if something had happened to _you_?" he continued, and that finally seemed to have some sort of effect on Eddie because his whole face changed and his shoulders slumped. " _I_ don't matter to anyone, Eddie. I don't have anyone dependent on me but _you_ do. That kid needs _you_. He adores you. And if something had happened to you, what would have happened then?"

Eddie's gaze lowered to his feet. "It was good money."

"You were gambling with your life, and with Christopher's happiness, when he's been through enough torment this year." Buck shook his head, swallowing a few mouthfuls of beer and wishing he could swap it for tequila and get drunk faster to block out this entire conversation ever occurred. "I'm allowed to be angry about that."

"I know," Eddie agreed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and scratching the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Buck. I know it was stupid."

"It really was."

Buck stared at Eddie for several more minutes before realising the anger that had burned within him came from a place of fear and worry that after everything Buck had been forced to go through, Eddie was actually voluntarily getting into situations that compromised his life. And Buck couldn't afford to lose Eddie. Whatever Eddie had gotten involved in, how badly he could have gotten hurt, was _terrifying_ because it was something out of both of their controls and he could've lost Eddie and Buck hadn't even realised he was struggling. With a frustrated sigh, he patted the spot on the couch beside him.

"Come. Sit. Drink. Talk. In whatever order you wish."

Eddie peered at him. "You sure?"

"I'm not forgiving you that quickly," Buck acknowledged, quirking one eyebrow, "but you've put yourself through enough hell lately and I'm not going to add to that right now. So yes, sit. Don't drink and don't talk if you want but…you came here for a reason, Eddie."

"I- Yeah…" Eddie sat, the arch of his spine clearly still bowed with tension as he bounced his knee and folded his hands into his lap.

"Hey." Buck scooted closer, resting his temple against Eddie's shoulder. "You came here. What do you need?"

"I…don't know," Eddie admitted.

Buck carefully wrapped an arm around Eddie's back, knowing it was impossible to avoid all the bruises littering his skin. Even so, some of Eddie's stiff posture relaxed into the tentative embrace. "Why, Eddie?" Buck murmured, staring at his friend like he was a stranger.

"It's… I've just been so angry about so many things." Eddie reached for the abandoned bottle of beer and twisted the cap off, but he didn't have a drink – merely rolled the cap between his fingers. "I think Shannon's death was… It- It started with that. I feel like I failed her, and I failed Christopher, and we were making it work and then she died and-" Eddie's voice caught and he released a shaky breath. "She died after she asked for a divorce and I felt like I'd failed, _again_ , because I could never make it work with her. And yet I kept trying for Christopher, for me, for her parents, for my parents, for _her_ and it- It was never _enough_."

Buck tiptoed his fingers along Eddie's spine as he listened, mindful of any slight adjustments Eddie made for where there were patches of skin more tender than others and avoiding those spots when he traced his fingers on another path. He couldn't help noting just how lost Eddie sounded, how desperately _sad_ , and Buck tried not to hate himself too much for being so utterly blind to how much pain Eddie had been in. Maybe he should have reached out more, reached out more insistently, after Shannon had died despite the crush injury.

"But she died and Christopher was… He found it difficult, I know he did," Eddie continued, his words wavering. "And then there were the bombings, and everything you were going through up to the tsunami, and then that lawsuit and I-"

"I really am sorry for that," Buck said quietly, realising just how much he'd added to Eddie's burdens in the wake of Shannon's death. He wanted to punch himself in the head. Repeatedly. No wonder Eddie had yelled at him in the grocery store. No wonder Eddie felt like Buck had let him down. No wonder Eddie thought he was exhausting. It was a wonder Eddie still talked to him at all.

"I know. I _know_ and I've let it all go now, but at the time… At the time, it was all too much." Eddie glanced at him, a faraway sort of gleam in his eyes. "After your lawyer weaponised Shannon's death, something inside me started to unravel and I would feel so much rage and the last time I felt so furious all the time, towards everything and everyone around me, I was deployed and I had a clear series of targets to take out. I struggled with the re-integration but that was…"

Eddie shook his head, gaze drifting away from Buck's but not before Buck had glimpsed the increasing redness, the glitter of unshed tears. He pressed his arm a little more into Eddie's back to hold him close.

"You know that stat of twenty-two vets killing themselves every day? It- It doesn't surprise me, Buck. Some days just feel so dark and ugly inside and you don't know how to let it out." Eddie tilted his head slightly towards Buck, strands of tickling hair brushing against Buck's forehead. "But I didn't have targets this time so… I don't know. I honestly don't know if I wanted to take someone out or have someone take _me_ out and I don't know which of those scares me more."

Buck rolled his lower lip between teeth and stared up at Eddie. Words failed him because Eddie's meandering explanation had pierced various wounds he thought had scabbed over on the path to healing but now leaked fresh pain. He couldn't imagine Eddie on deployment, geared up and heart guarded against everything he was doing in a warzone to save the lives of others yet still following orders in hostile territory, and he couldn't imagine Eddie returning home, shaken to the core with horrors rattling inside him that had earned him a Silver Star. He _could_ imagine how those circumstances could cause strain on his marriage to Shannon when they were both already struggling with Christopher's diagnosis, and for the first time he almost thought he was glad Chris would have been too young to fully grasp what had happened between his parents when Eddie had been an army medic.

But an Eddie like this, who had seen so many awful things but then repressed so many feelings… Buck wasn't sure if _anyone_ at the 118 had realised he wasn't really okay, even though Buck had known there were unexplained bruises and winces sometimes. And an Eddie like that, an Eddie who shut down and lied so competently, had to be a difficult person for Shannon to love and support if Eddie had also shut down and shut her out after returning from deployment.

And as for Eddie wondering aloud about being taken out… Buck wasn't sure how successfully he held back the horrified shudder at _that_ thought. He couldn't imagine what that would do to Christopher, or the 118. And there was no way in hell he wanted to imagine what it would do to _him_.

"Did beating people up actually do anything for all these feelings?" he said eventually, fingers circling the knob of Eddie's spine where he knew the bruises that lingered were dark and almost certainly painful.

"Probably not," Eddie admitted, raising one shoulder in a shrug and lifting the bottle to his lips. He swallowed several mouthfuls and managed a rueful sort of smile. "But I didn't know what else to do, or where else to go. I have to keep it together for Christopher."

Buck ran his thumb over the short hairs at the nape of Eddie's neck, hiding a small smile when he tilted into it just like Chris often did. "You don't have to keep it together here, Eddie."

"Don't I?" Eddie shot him a wan look. "We both know you aren't okay."

Buck frowned and tried not to feel like the magnifying glass had just been swung over him again, like he was an ant that Eddie was trying to set alight with the sun.

"That's not what I meant. If you need to come here and yell or scream or throw something, then my door is open to you." Buck didn't feel like mentioning that yelling and screaming and throwing things might end with him locking himself inside the bathroom and calling Maddie because he'd start thinking of someone _else_ who used to yell and scream and throw things when he got livid. Eddie didn't need to know _that_ particular detail. "Or if you just need to come over and have a beer and watch some TV and smash some buttons on a controller with Christopher for a few hours, then we can do that too. It still beats almost killing a guy, or nearly getting killed yourself."

"True." Eddie shifted his arm so he could sling it around Buck's shoulders, hand settling over the curve of Buck's ribcage until he was tucked securely into Eddie's side. "I… I really am sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Buck. I…thought you'd be angrier, honestly."

"I _am_ angry," Buck said, poking at a spot on Eddie's chest which was almost certainly bruised and relishing Eddie's hiss of pain because the idiot deserved at least _some_ sort of punishment for his stupidity. "But you've listened to me plenty and I know being angry about what you've done won't solve either of our problems. And I know that some of it, at least in part, is because you didn't feel you could come here because _I_ messed up."

"You're really blaming yourself for this?"

"Not entirely," Buck said, meeting Eddie's disbelieving expression. "You make your own mistakes, just like I make mine. I just wish I'd been there _before_ so I could talk you out of it."

"But at least you're here _now_ ," Eddie pointed out, and Buck wasn't sure if Eddie was referring to their faltering friendship reconciliation, or because he'd opened the door, or because Buck continued to live despite Fate's best attempts to get rid of him these past few months.

The conversation drifted to other topics – things which were lighter and slightly more cheerful – and Buck was quietly content to keep his arms wrapped around Eddie and feeling Eddie's arm across his back. By the time Eddie admitted he needed to leave, Buck thought he stood with the confidence of a military man who had been trained to square his shoulders and raise his chin no matter the dire circumstances he was expected to face. While Buck somewhat admired Eddie for recovering his mental fortitude that quickly, he also feared just how much Eddie felt which still bubbled beneath the surface, unacknowledged but poised to erupt at a moment's notice.

As Buck crawled into bed, sheets tucked to his chin, he couldn't decide if forging forward with no regard for your health and wellbeing was admirable or incredibly dangerous. He knew he'd done the same thing, ignoring the pain in his leg before the clot, but Eddie had sought out something so dangerous, something potentially fatal, and he'd _kept going_. It terrified him, more than he was willing to admit, that Eddie could have so little regard for his own safety when usually it was _Buck_ that was accused of being the reckless one.

He stared at the ceiling, thinking back through all the conversational topics they'd traded in the hours that he'd been curled around Eddie. He couldn't easily categorise his feelings towards Eddie, but he knew there were times when he'd looked up and met the brown eyes gazing steadily back at him and felt his heart skip a beat or three in his chest.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to resolve the issues of 3A with how we never saw Eddie tell Buck is...still a disappointment to me, honestly. Some of what they discussed is due to a lot of what we've discussed on Discord, so hopefully I did those conversations justice in developing into this (which I've written and rewritten so many times...). Let me know below or share your thoughts with me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	10. Chapter 10

**Word Count:** 5,051  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** No specific warnings for this chapter.

* * *

Eddie returned to the shift rotation with something more guarded around the edges of his eyes and Buck became increasingly aware of how much he reached out to Eddie in an attempt to bridge it, with soft nudges under the table and brushes of their shoulders to try to stop Eddie caving in on himself with guilt and self-loathing. With Christmas around the corner, he hoped it would bring some much-needed cheer to everyone's eyes.

Which was maybe why he felt so furious when the shift schedule had been finalised and they discovered they were working Christmas Day. Buck was pretty sure he would rather have been anywhere else than the station, but the gloom that pervaded everyone seemed to be exacerbated by the news and Buck was determined to try to change that, if only for a little while.

He'd called Athena about his idea and she'd agreed, getting in touch with Karen to coordinate food. While Eddie was helping Bobby with lunch, Buck had broken into Eddie's phone to steal Isabel's number from his contacts and then negotiated with her about how to get Christopher to the 118 for the surprise. He'd told Maddie and she'd squealed about the plan but promised to keep it secret from Chim, and then he just had to trust that everyone outside of the station would show up at the right time.

If nothing else, working Christmas Day at least meant he wasn't sitting at home. Alone. Or enduring it with Maddie and Chimney.

It was the least he could do to ensure it was a _good_ Christmas party.

He tried to commit the way Eddie and Christopher's faces lit up when they saw each other to memory, the bright grin on Eddie's face that Buck hadn't seen for weeks when he twirled Chris around. He tried to hold onto the way Chris pressed his cheek into Buck's shoulder after the kid had demanded a cuddle, small fingers bunching into his shirt.

"Thank you for making my Christmas magical, Buck," Chris murmured and Buck had pretended it didn't make his eyes burn as he kissed Christopher's forehead, squeezed him extra tight, and then let him wander away to hang out with Denny and a bunch of other kids that Karen had brought with her.

He tried to cling to the way Bobby hugged him before they'd eaten, listening to Bobby's gruff voice with the emotions he couldn't quite hide. "This is really great, kid. Thank you."

And Buck had smiled, soaking in Bobby's warmth and love and stowing it in a jar for later when something might make him think of his father's frustration that he hadn't done well enough on his report card, or hadn't done well enough in a sport team. He tried to etch the press of Bobby's hands into his back for the nights when he woke up in terror, afraid and alone again, the paternal affection that he'd never really known or understood until he'd arrived at the firehouse and come to see Bobby as someone he could think of as family, even though he didn't know what the term really meant.

When the shift was over and everyone paired off with their significant others to return home, Buck watched them all depart with a glowing sense of pride that the Christmas party had been a success and he'd brought some joy to the 118 after a year of so much heartache and misery and pain.

His pride had lasted until he entered the cold, empty apartment. The fuzziness in his belly faded, the warmth in his smile disappeared, the happiness traced into his eyes vanished. He surveyed the space and debated whether it could still be called a _home_ when it felt so dead inside.

For a while, at least, Christopher was right: Christmas _had_ been magical.

He tried to remember that later when he was curled up in his bed without anyone to wish him a Merry Christmas, without anyone to hold him, and tried to ignore the few tears that escaped into the fabric of the pillow.

* * *

The day after Christmas, Eddie texted him a series of photos of the Diaz family party with Christopher tangled in the embraces of various extended family members and either smiling the biggest grin or pulling the silliest faces.

At the bottom of all the photos were four simple words:

> _wish u were here_

Buck stared at the fragment of a sentence almost the entire day. Even when he put his phone down to try to _stop_ staring at it, he still found himself picking up the phone to look again in case he'd misread it or he'd missed part of the text. He couldn't help wondering what the hell the words were meant to mean, or what the hell he was meant to do with them, or if Eddie had _any_ sort of awareness of how it made Buck feel.

Problem was, he wasn't even sure _he_ could name how it made him feel.

* * *

"Hey, you coming over tonight?" Eddie asked as he slung his bag over his shoulder, the muscles in his arms straining against the weight and momentarily distracting Buck from sliding the two parts of his zip together so he could get his hoodie closed.

"Uh…" His fingers slipped again and he cursed, fixing his attention on the zipper until he managed to achieve success. Eddie was watching him with an amused grin that did nothing to alleviate the nervous flutter in his stomach that Eddie in his general vicinity, looking at him like _that_ , with muscles swelling all over the place did to him. He'd stared at the four words of Eddie's texts for so long the last couple of days that he thought it might be the only thing he'd see for the rest of his life. "I…didn't really have plans?"

"So is that a yes?" Eddie said, eyebrows raised in either expectation or anticipation.

"If you're su-"

"We'll see you about seven then," Eddie said with a nod, pivoting and disappearing from the locker room before Buck could coordinate anything more coherent.

* * *

"Buck!" Christopher cried as he _click-clacked_ down the hallway to be swept into a hug by Buck.

Buck propped the boy on his hip, bumping his fist against Christopher's. "How's my favourite man?" He tickled Christopher's chest, making the kid giggle and swat at his hand, while carrying him through the hallway and towards the sounds in the kitchen.

"I thought _I_ was your favourite man?" Eddie teased, glancing over his shoulder and pointing at an unopened beer on the counter that was evidently meant for Buck. He felt like a shy smile flickered across his face at the gesture.

Christopher laughed. "Don't be silly, Dad. Buck loves me _way_ more than you."

"Ouch, mijo," Eddie said, holding a hand to his heart and clutching at the counter which only made Christopher's laugh louder.

"I thought that was meant to be our little secret," Buck stage-whispered to Christopher, tickling his tummy and making Chris squirm against him. "We have to pretend we like your dad because he cooks better than me."

"You don't mess up that often anymore, Buck," Christopher said with a cheeky glint in his eyes that made Buck pout at him in mock horror.

"I knew it! My son only likes me for my food, and you-" Eddie pointed an accusatory spatula at Buck. "You just come here so you don't have to order take-out every night."

"Guilty," he shrugged, flashing a grin at Eddie as he pressed a kiss to Chris' cheek and lowered him to the floor. He swiped the bottle of beer from the counter and popped the cap, rolling it between his fingers as Chris leaned his head against Buck's hip. Buck couldn't resist running fingers through the soft blond curls while he stared at Eddie. "I guess I should see myself out then, if you're so hell-bent on making sure I don't get to eat here tonight."

"Aww, but you only just got here," Christopher whined. Buck and Eddie shared an amused look that they were also desperately trying to hide.

"Maybe Buck can stay for dinner _this_ time and next time? Next time, I hit him over the head with the spatula to cook something for us."

"That sounds good, Dad," Christopher said with a satisfied nod, tapping his way out of the kitchen and into the living room where Buck saw him fall to sit among a pile of Legos.

"Hitting me with a spatula, huh?" he mused, losing the battle against letting his smile show. "You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome, man. Thanks."

Eddie snorted, poking at whatever rice dish he was making on the stove. "That's what you get for calling Christopher your favourite."

Buck felt his heart skip, eyebrows rising almost to his hairline. "Oh? Would you prefer I called _you_ my favourite?"

"Nah," Eddie said, shaking his head and waving the spatula towards him, "because you aren't my favourite either. Christopher is, every day of the week."

Buck couldn't decide if he was meant to laugh or cry so he settled for sipping from the beer and leaning against one of the counters while he looked at the kitchen table which was already set for three. It struck him how utterly _domestic_ it was to hang out with Eddie and Christopher like this. He could almost imagine sharing a life with someone again. Abby had helped him understand how to have a relationship with someone, how to develop meaningful connections, not just one-night stands. And he'd had Ali, and it had been brief but better than nothing.

And now… Now he missed having someone to talk to about anything and everything. It was true, Eddie would almost always answer his calls at any time of the day or night, but their dynamic was different to what he'd had with Abby. She had an older, gentler wisdom that had bordered on maternal at times, maybe because she'd become the parent to her mother, but with Eddie… With Eddie, it was something else he hadn't pinpointed yet. They joked and grinned so much and every time it made his heart jump.

"Hey." Eddie touched his cheek with the back of his knuckles, startling Buck out of his memories of Abby and Ali as he caught Eddie's drawn brows above his concerned eyes. "You okay?"

And, of course, Buck could never tell Eddie anything about all the weird feelings because it seemed likely to create a mess that would destroy their friendship once and for all, and Buck really wasn't sure how he'd cope if he lost Eddie's friendship. The strain during and after the lawsuit had been bad enough, but if Eddie ever realised he had some sort of _feelings_ that weren't purely _friendship_ …

He shuddered at the thought of it, how quickly they'd fight over each other to put in transfer papers so one of them could get the hell out of the 118 and away from the other. If Eddie left, it would almost certainly cause friction because the others would want to know what had happened. If Buck left, he'd struggle to sever ties with them because of Maddie and Chim's relationship. Either way, the 118 family he had been so desperate to hold onto, the one he'd been so grateful for at Thanksgiving, would disintegrate and it would be all his fault, again, because he sometimes imagined wanting something more with Eddie. So he couldn't let Eddie realise he felt anything out of the ordinary. He couldn't afford to have incredibly awkward conversations with Bobby about it.

"Just a long day," he lied, and Eddie's eyes flickered between his again before he let his hand fall and turned back to the stove.

"I keep thinking there'll be a shift where things don't go totally to hell, but I'm starting to believe that's never going to happen," Eddie mused. Buck couldn't tell if Eddie was playing along with the lie or had believed it, but he appreciated the out to conceal how much he wanted to vomit his feelings all over Eddie's kitchen floor.

"We work in Los Angeles. People are crazy here."

Eddie looked unconvinced. "Yeah, but the stuff we see? You could write about it and put it on a TV show and no one would believe it happened in real life."

Buck nearly inhaled beer up his nose because he snorted, but the slight burn was a good distraction from noticing the slope of Eddie's shoulders beneath his shirt and the way his torso tapered towards his waist and how much Buck sort of really wanted to ask for a hug because the two victims they'd lost today had been rough on all of them when it was the middle shift between Christmas and New Year. It didn't help that he knew exactly how comfortable it was to curl into Eddie's arms and talk.

Eddie shifted the conversation to plans for the New Year party that was being held at Maddie's place and whether it was wise to take Chris when it would be a late night or if he should drop Chris off with his Abuela.

"You don't _have_ to stay for midnight, you know," Buck said as Eddie moved around the kitchen, gathering a serving plate for the rice dish.

"But that's the whole point of it, isn't it? Stay for midnight, clink drinks, sing awful songs, kiss someone."

Buck could've dropped his bottle of beer at that last one but he was saved, perhaps, by Christopher's arms wrapping around his waist.

"What's up, champ?" he said, ruffling the boy's hair and using him as the perfect distraction from what Eddie had just said.

"I just missed you, Buck," Christopher admitted and Buck knew his heart probably expanded in his chest with warmth at the sweetness of the kid that had completely captured him a while ago.

"I saw you at Christmas," he teased, lifting Chris onto his seat as Eddie set the serving plate in the middle of the table. "Lucky for you, then, that you're my favourite dude because I missed you too." He sat beside Chris, brushing a light hand through the errant curls and couldn't help smiling at Christopher's beaming grin.

He was distracted briefly by Eddie's knees brushing against his beneath the table, catching the small smile tugging at one edge of Eddie's lips as he watched them. It was a challenge for Buck to keep his expression neutral but he wasn't convinced he was entirely successful at keeping the emotions off his face.

Christopher launched into summarising what he'd learned at school in the past month because he hadn't had a chance to tell Buck much at the firehouse Christmas party, and he talked about a new ice cream flavour he wanted to try but "Dad keeps saying no because it's _winter_ and it's _cold_ , like that somehow makes a difference" (Eddie had looked equal parts scandalised and sheepish), and he mentioned a park he wanted to go to because some kids at school had mentioned it had really awesome play equipment. Buck listened, as did Eddie, and they both added their own comments to the conversation when it seemed necessary to prompt Christopher to continue. And it was all so very normal, so very familial, that at times Buck almost forgot he was an invited guest. It was times like this, hanging out and eating and talking, that he realised just how _easy_ it was to fit in with both Diaz boys and how welcoming they were with warmth and acceptance.

"Can you clean the dishes while I get him ready for bed?" Eddie asked when it was clear they were done eating and Chris was attempting to conceal yawns behind his hands. Buck felt like his stomach was almost certainly overloaded with the delicious chicken and rice dish that Eddie had made and was more than willing to call it a night and head home.

"Sure," he agreed and, despite Christopher protesting that it was early – when it definitely wasn't anymore after talking for so long – Eddie scooped him up and carried him towards the bathroom.

Buck hardly had an issue with clearing dishes and packaging the leftovers, but he started calculating how long he should stay before returning to his apartment. He hadn't slept since he got off shift and he knew he was emotionally and physically exhausted from the calls. He thought he was doing a good job keeping his 'I'm okay' face on because he was around Christopher. He knew Eddie had been very resolute in keeping his emotions together after he'd given up the fight club thing, but they hadn't talked about it in the past couple of weeks so Buck wasn't entirely sure how Eddie was doing. Sometimes, Buck wanted to insist that Eddie remove his shirt to ensure the bruises were fading– and, maybe, to check that there weren't any _new_ bruises. Yet he usually felt that wasn't his place, because their friendship still had bumps and kinks which hadn't been totally straightened out yet.

He'd finished cleaning up before Eddie reappeared so he grabbed another beer from the fridge and settled on the couch, bouncing his good knee in an attempt to release some of the nervous tension from the day. He could still see the glassy green eyes of one of the victims and some fragment of her face reminded him of the outlines of a face of a woman in the tsunami and he shuddered, forcing his focus on the bottle of beer in his hand and pushing Lego pieces around with his toes.

"Can Buck read me a story?" he heard Christopher say as the bathroom door opened and light spilled into the hallway.

"You'll have to ask him that."

" _Buck_!"

"Christopher, I've taught you better than to _yell_."

Christopher giggled, his crutches clicking as he moved through the corridor. His eyes lit up when he saw Buck on the couch, expertly dodging Lego pieces by sweeping them aside with his crutches as he crossed the carpet and climbed into Buck's lap with absolutely no preamble or request if it was okay to invade Buck's space. When Buck nudged a kiss to his damp hair, he inhaled the scent of lavender and oranges. The pyjamas littered with dinosaurs were soft as he cradled Christopher against his chest.

"Hi," Christopher said, fixing Buck with a grin and bright eyes behind his glasses. "Dad said I had to ask you if you'd read me a story."

"Did he?"

He glanced from Chris to Eddie leaning against the wall of the entry, arms crossed over his chest and something that looked almost _fond_ sparkling in his eyes. He looked so relaxed, and so utterly distracting in a damp tank-top, that Buck would _almost_ venture as far to say Eddie Diaz looked _happy_. He doubted he'd deny either of the Diaz boys anything in the world if they asked him for it. Maybe he needed to rethink the idea that Chris was the only Diaz who had stolen his heart.

"I guess that's the least I can do after your Dad cooked dinner."

"Yay!" Chris cheered, wrapping his arms around Buck's neck. Buck carefully got to his feet, adjusting Chris' weight and shaking his head at Eddie's silent offer of assistance. He'd carried this kid as he ran to escape a tsunami. He'd carried him through flood waters to get on top of a fire truck. He could carry him the short distance to bed. He could carry him to or through anything. He was incredibly mindful of the danger of Legos underfoot, though.

"So what story are we reading, little man?" he said as he settled the kid on the bed, tugging blankets over Christopher's legs and propping his crutches against the bedside table within easy reach.

"Narnia!" Chris pointed at the fat tome of a book on his bedside table and Buck flipped to where the bookmark was, scanning the pages to familiarise himself with a story he probably hadn't read since he was a kid.

Chris wriggled under his arm so that his cheek was pressed to Buck's chest, mumbling along occasionally with the words Buck spoke aloud. From time to time, Buck attempted a pretty terrible English accent for some of the dialogue and when he realised Chris was no longer making breathy giggles but instead breathy snores, he tucked the bookmark inside the pages and gently set the book on the table. He combed his fingers through the damp curls, soothed by Chris' warmth and soft weight and _life_. He wondered whether Chris still had awful nightmares or if he'd developed a dislike of water like Buck. The thought of the beach still chilled him to the bone.

After ten minutes of letting Chris sleep against him, Buck carefully manoeuvred the boy so his head was against the pillows and then he slid from the bed. He shut off the light and eased the door to be slightly ajar, quietly padding down the hallway to where Eddie was sitting on the couch and fiddling with something on his phone.

"He's asleep," he whispered, gazing at the scattered Legos and thinking he didn't stand a chance of not stepping on them this time and shrieking with pain that woke Christopher up. It was a wonder he'd blindly navigated them before when he had Chris in his arms. "I… Uh… I should probably take off too. Get some sleep. Long day."

"You aren't staying?" Eddie said, extinguishing the light on his phone as he looked up with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I…hadn't been planning on it?" he said with a small frown, because Eddie had invited him over tonight but he hadn't expected it to be for the _night_. He probably would have brought a change of clothes if he had.

Eddie pressed his lips together, eyes darting away, and Buck struggled not to bite his own lip because everything about the change in his face and posture screamed that he wasn't okay. Once again, Buck had gotten caught in some wonderful fantasy of having a family and enjoying the warm press of Christopher sleeping against him in favour of ignoring the cold apartment and empty bed that he was meant to be returning to. And he hadn't paid enough attention to assessing how Eddie was after a pretty rough shift.

"Will you?" Eddie eventually said, barely more than a nervous whisper as his glimmering gaze drifted back to Buck.

Buck hesitated, wondering if it was the smartest idea when he knew he had a whole lot more mess going on in his head, but he couldn't leave Eddie when he was practically pleading with him to stay. Something was going on and it felt important to be there.

So he nodded and Eddie's whole face cleared of the tension he'd apparently been feeling and Buck finally felt like he'd done something _right_ for a change.

"I'll find you some clothes," Eddie said, tracking a slow but pain-free path through the Legos and moving past Buck towards his bedroom.

Buck turned to follow, accepting the sweatpants and t-shirt that Eddie rummaged out of a drawer and then heading for the bathroom. He'd never admit to holding the clothes to his nose and inhaling deeply, soaking in the scent that he was beginning to know well, before realising that probably sounded far creepier than he'd intended. He changed quickly before returning to Eddie's room, placing his folded clothes by the door and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Are you okay?" he asked as Eddie gathered his own sweatpants and shirt, something distant in his eyes as he drifted around the room setting off an alarm in Buck's internal warning system.

"Yeah." Eddie didn't meet Buck's look as he left the room and that was enough to confirm Buck's suspicions that he was barely holding it together, which was at least somewhat comforting when Buck also felt like he was fraying at the seams.

It was a restless few minutes as he waited for Eddie to change, brush his teeth, douse the remaining lights in the house. His leg bounced with anxiety as he heard Eddie's shuffling footsteps move through the corridor before he entered the room and closed the door behind him with the softest of clicks.

Eddie avoided his eyes as he turned off the light. The silence between them quickly turned uncomfortable after Eddie settled on the mattress and released a heavy sigh into the darkness. For an awkward and uncertain moment, Buck stayed still and wondered why the hell Eddie had wanted him to stay if he was going to be silent. But if he'd learned anything about the increasingly weird dynamic between them, Eddie always had a reason and he very rarely reached out for help so coming out and talking about anything was probably something he struggled with as much as Buck.

Buck eventually shifted so he was lying on his side facing Eddie, wriggling his legs beneath the blankets and staring into the darkness. He could tell Eddie was as stiff as a board beside him and he waited, unsure what it was that Eddie wanted or needed but figuring that giving Eddie the time to process was worthwhile. He'd already asked if Eddie was okay, and Eddie had already lied. And Eddie would know that Buck knew he'd lied.

"It was Shannon's birthday yesterday," Eddie murmured after a very long time of looking at the ceiling, his voice quaking over only five words.

Buck closed his eyes when he realised just how much Eddie fought to keep control of his emotions and thoughts around everyone at the house, the way he continued to fight for control over every part of his life even when things were probably spiralling. They'd had numerous calls that shift. They'd had the two fatalities. And Eddie hadn't given the slightest indication of the burden he was carrying throughout the shift.

 _Jesus_.

Buck reached his hand through the darkness until he found Eddie's hand, grasping his palm and anchoring him to a point in the present because it was about the only thing Buck thought he could do.

"I'm sorry, Buck. I- I didn't mean to load this on you, I j-just-"

"Shhh." Buck rubbed his thumb against the knuckles of Eddie's hand. "You've been there for me so often. It's okay."

"I- I couldn't s-stand the thought of being a-alone tonight, you know?" Eddie's voice trembled and it was clear from the way the bed was also quivering that he was desperately trying to hold back sobs but that the tears had probably well and truly started in the long span of silence.

"C'mere," he whispered, tugging Eddie's hand until the other man rolled towards him, sinking into his chest as Buck folded his arm around shaking shoulders to hold him close. "I'm here, Eddie. I'm here. You aren't alone, okay? Let it out."

Eddie made a small sobbing noise, fingers curling into the shirt against Buck's chest. His whole body vibrated with the force of his sadness and Buck lowered his head to rest against the top of the brunette hair of the other man.

"I've got you, Eddie," he breathed, sliding his spare hand around the back of Eddie's neck to cradle his head, using his thumb to rub circles into the skin which Eddie so often did which helped soothe Buck's fears and pain. He could feel the way Eddie's tension gradually unravelled, the way he hid his hushed cries and whimpers and sniffles in Buck's chest. He focused on holding Eddie against him, rubbing his back or stroking his hair, until the shaking lessened and the pitiful noises of pain grew quieter. When Eddie's tension abated, when he was a heavy, boneless weight against Buck's torso, Buck felt like maybe he'd done okay at comforting Eddie.

He knew Eddie wasn't asleep, though. He knew how deep and slow and even Eddie's breathing was when he drifted to sleep, knew the way that his weight would settle more loosely against Buck if his muscles stopped being so coiled for an attack or a rejection.

"I'm s-sorry," Eddie said hoarsely, and Buck lessened his hold on Eddie's head so that his fingers could flit over his face, gathering the slick of tears against his thumb and adding gentle pressure to the curve of his jaw and behind his ear to raise his head from Buck's chest.

"It's okay," he insisted, even though his heart still ached because he wished he could take away Eddie's pain. He almost wished he could erase Shannon from Eddie's life completely, but that would mean vanishing Christopher and the boy was filled with too many bright smiles and giggles to take that away from the world. He wasn't sure Eddie would be who he was if he didn't have Christopher in his life. Buck knew he wouldn't be anyone resembling who he was if not for Christopher. "It's okay to hurt over this. I'm not going anywhere, man."

"I… Th-Thanks," Eddie mumbled, his grip turning slightly more clingy but Buck didn't mind. He tiptoed his fingers up and down the ladder of Eddie's spine and kept his breathing deliberately steady, and gradually, gradually, _gradually_ , he felt Eddie's weight increase as he found a path to sleep.

Buck stayed awake for a while longer because even though he was strung out from the day, even though he was emotionally exhausted himself from the shift and then Eddie's breakdown, there was some sort peace he'd never really felt before except when he was holding Eddie in his arms. He tried to place if he'd ever felt it anywhere else. The best he could come up with was maybe after Maddie had had an awful breakup when she was in high school but even that wasn't really the same.

Whatever this feeling was that kept sticking in his chest and making him want to shield Eddie, he didn't want to think about what it meant too hard.

He was afraid of what the answer might be.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the teasing in this chapter is among my favourite lines in the whole fic, and the 'you could write about this and put it on a TV show' literally makes me laugh out loud every time. Fourth-wall breaking? Who me? Nahhhhh... There's some...lighter chapters ahead, I think, if I remember correctly. *tilts head and squints into the distance* I did say this was a slow-burn, right?
> 
> Let me know if you giggled at something in this chapter below or join me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	11. Chapter 11

**Word Count:** 5,544  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

"Happy New Year, Buckley!"

He attempted to match Chim's enthusiasm when the guy answered the door by offering a lopsided grin and a wave and dancing just out of reach of a hug when he saw the dangerous slosh of a drink moving towards him. It was clear Chimney was incredibly unsteady on his feet and he wondered when the guy had started getting into the alcohol.

"Happy New Year, Chimney. I hope I haven't missed too much?"

"Nah, man. Everyone's just chilling and drinking and having a good time." Chim stumbled a little, a hand fisting into Buck's shirt when he overbalanced. "If I don't make it to midnight, will you tell Maddie I'm sorry?"

Buck stared at the shorter man, blinked several times, and then shook his head. "How about this _better_ idea where I take your drink now, ensure you have water the rest of the night, and then you and I don't have to deal with Maddie being furious at us both?"

Chim gazed at him with huge, misty eyes and the dopiest grin. It was rather concerning when it wasn't even seven o'clock. "You'd do that?"

"For you and my sister?" Buck tried not to feel like he was going to violently vomit into one of Maddie's pot plants at the thought of playing some sort of wing-man for his sister when he'd rather protect her from the potential of getting hurt by love for the rest of her life. "Nah, man. I'm doing this for _me_. Come on."

Buck would _almost_ go so far as to say Chim fluttered his eyelashes in gratitude but that would be utterly _ridiculous_. He chalked it up to the significant inebriation. Plucking Chimney's beer from his hand, he guided him towards one of Maddie's arm chairs.

"Sit. Stay."

"Am I a dog?" Chim looked around, eyes sliding in and out of focus as he looked at Denny and Chris playing on the floor. "Hey guys, am I a dog?"

Buck rolled his eyes, unsure whether he should laugh or beat his head into a wall, and found Maddie in the kitchen. "Hello, sister dear," he greeted, sliding an arm around her shoulders and kissing the top of her head while she refilled several bowls of snacks.

"Brother bear," she replied with a smile, before stealing the bottle from his hand. "Is that Howie's?"

"Yeah, he seemed, uh…" Buck picked out several cashews from the bowl of mixed nuts, dodging her swatting hand because she would _not_ convince him to eat the others and she never had. "I think the guy could do with some water, alright?"

She huffed, rolling her eyes and shoving the bowls of nuts and pretzels into his hands. "I _told_ him he's a lightweight but does he listen to me? Of course he doesn't!"

Buck shook the bowl and made a delighted noise when he spied another cashew shift towards the surface, which was not at all what Maddie wanted to hear if the judgemental gleam in her eyes was anything to go by. "I'll…get him some water," he said hastily, juggling the bowls into one arm to dig out a glass from her cupboards and fill it.

He returned to find Chim with his head lolling on the chair, the grin on his face reminding Buck of people who got high. He pressed the glass into one of Chim's hands and then extended the bowls.

"Hey, thanks man." Chim started at the bowls, brow deeply furrowed and blinking slowly. "Are nuts safe for dogs?"

"I…think so?" he said, depositing both bowls in Chim's lap and then inching away so he could press light fingers against Christopher's shoulders as he crouched to greet the kid and Denny. "Hey, little dudes. How are we doing?"

"We're good," Denny said, sticking up both thumbs and flashing a big smile.

"Buck!" Chris held out his arms for a hug so wrapped his arms around Chris' waist while smaller arms secured around his shoulders. "Happy New Year, Buck."

"To you as well, champ." He kissed Christopher's cheek and Chris giggled and squirmed. "You want to make any predictions about next year?"

"No more tsunamis," Christopher said, very seriously. Buck released him with a small amount of trepidation and undoubtedly some very wide eyes. "You and my Dad don't need more things to worry about."

"Uh…" He blinked, glancing at Denny who was pursing his lips around a grin. "Well. It's sort of our job. To worry."

"Your job is to save people." With a small frown, Chris' eyes roamed the room before his face cleared into a smile. "And be happy."

Buck looked over his shoulder to follow Chris' gaze and saw Eddie watching them from near Maddie's staircase, eyes creased at the edges with the smile he was barely suppressing with the bottle against his mouth. It was one of those small, soft, _fond_ smiles that Buck loved seeing Eddie wear. But so far, he'd only ever really seen it when they were hanging out in their own homes, not around other people. It still left him feeling light-headed.

"Y-Yeah? You think so?"

"Mhm. I _know_ so," Chris said and Buck couldn't help but ruffle his hair even as the kid attempted to roll out of the way. Buck gave Denny's shoulders a quick squeeze as he stood and headed for Eddie.

"What is it with you always watching me?" he teased and Eddie laughed, some of the tension in his posture from a few days ago gone. It was a huge relief considering the rare occasions he'd seen Eddie truly cry, and Eddie's weird distance the following morning, like he'd felt guilty or ashamed that he'd broken down, had left Buck unsure what to do or say in the light of day. Chris had seemed oblivious to it all, buzzing around them with questions and hopes for the new year, so Buck had reined in his urge to speak and simply let Eddie have his silence.

"I'm watching my _son_ and you just happen to keep getting in the way," Eddie retorted, gesturing at Chris who had resumed playing with Denny. "You say hi to him before me so often, I'm really starting to believe he _is_ your favourite."

Buck grinned, bumping his shoulder into Eddie's. "You're important too."

"Oh gee. _That_ sounded sincere," Eddie said, a dimple in his cheeks appearing as he evidently tried to avoid returning the grin. "Thanks so much, Buck. I'll be sure to get that inscribed on something to remind me on the rough call days. 'You're important too'. Real profound and touching."

" _Asshole_ ," Buck muttered, covering his desire to laugh with a light punch to Eddie's arm. Eddie stuck out his tongue as Buck dispersed back into the party in search of a drink, pointedly ignoring the way Eddie's laugh followed him through the room and settled around his shoulders like a fuzzy blanket.

He spent the evening drifting between different groups, his attention frequently returning to Chimney to ensure the guy was drinking water and consuming food to absorb all the alcohol so that maybe, _hopefully_ , he'd be sober enough to remember he needed to kiss Maddie at midnight. Hen had approached to ask him about playdate venues for Denny and Chris at one point before Karen hushed her and said to worry about it some other time. At other times, Chris appeared and wrapped his arms around Buck's legs to hug him which was…actually incredibly comforting, and he soaked in the kid's presence before Chris wandered off to talk to someone else.

"I think we'll be taking off soon," Eddie announced when Buck was in the middle of reaching for another slice of pizza that Bobby had insisted was ordered to minimise some of the effects of all the drinking occurring around him. Buck sucked his lips between his teeth to avoid giving away how the thought of Eddie leaving made him feel as though his heart zig-zagged through his chest and instead focused on closing his fingers around the slice.

"But Daaaad!"

"You're falling asleep sitting against me, mijo," Eddie pointed out, nudging Chris with his knee to dislodge his sagging head from Eddie's thigh. Everyone had noticed Chris' slumped posture on the floor, his temple against Eddie's leg, but no one wanted to say anything because it was so cute. Maddie might've snapped a photo that Buck would request she send to him later.

"But it's _New Year's Eve_!"

"And your bedtime is usually eight-thirty, and it's already after nine. You watched the ball in New York drop. That's the important thing, buddy." Eddie combed his fingers through Christopher's curls and Buck didn't miss the way Chris' eyes fluttered closed again and he had the same sleepy little smile he often got when Buck read to him and was moments away from passing out completely.

"You'll be carrying him to the car soon," Buck said as he nibbled at the pointy end of his pizza slice.

Eddie's nose wrinkled and he checked the dregs of beer left in the bottom of his bottle. "Don't I know it. He'll be a menace to get up in the morning too."

Buck couldn't help himself when he watched Eddie raise the rim of the bottle to his lips. "Just tell him he has to listen to you because you're important."

It was clear Eddie nearly snorted the beer up his nose as he choked on the swallow, coughing and spluttering and drawing several murmurs of alarm from Maddie and Hen.

"You-" Eddie said through wheezing coughs, "-are a _terrible_ friend."

Buck pretended to draw a halo above his head, tilting his head and fluttering his eyelashes at Eddie. He suspected Eddie would've hit his arm if he had better control over his body but he was still spasming around the coughs and attempting to curse him out without drawing the ire of Hen or Athena.

When Eddie _did_ make moves to leave, Buck offered to carry Chris to the car. Peering at Christopher's angelic face which clearly showed he was out like a light, Eddie relented and gathered Chris' crutches under his arm. Once Buck had successfully navigated Maddie's uneven footpath, they fell into step. Buck deciding that all his attempts to avoid Christopher's Legos lately had been excellent training for manoeuvring Chris around anything.

"I don't know what I'll do without you now," he sing-songed, spying Eddie's truck several cars down the street. He strengthened his hold on Chris when he felt the kid shift slightly in his arms. "No one important is left. You're taking my favourite person away from me, Diaz. How will I _cope_?"

Eddie chuckled, shaking his head even though there was a smile painted across his lips that crinkled his eyes as well. "I feel so jaded, Buckley. You're not in it for _me_ , you're only in it for my _kid_."

Buck decided that the way his heart gave a flutter at that particular sentence meant it was a traitor that deserved to be banished to the twenty-fourth level of hell. It wasn't fair that Eddie had no idea how he felt and would never return the feelings when he'd make teasing comments like that.

" _Busted,_ " Buck said when he realised he needed to say something but knowing there was nothing else he _could_ say without putting his foot in his mouth. And chewing on it. Repeatedly. For the rest of the evening.

"You're the actual _worst_ ," Eddie retaliated, stalking towards him with outstretched fingers that were perfect for poking and tickling. Buck did a careful twirl away from Eddie's reach, dodging as best as he could but unable – or unwilling – to hide his smile at Eddie's huffed amusement behind him.

Between the two of them, they shifted Chris into his seat without disturbing him so much that he stirred awake and then it became…tremendously awkward, standing on a mostly quiet street in the shadows of two lights on New Year's Eve.

"So, uh…" Buck rubbed the back of his neck, glancing rapidly between the car, Eddie and the light above Maddie's porch in search of a way out of the situation or a way to cut all the tension that had descended like a swamp. "Drive safely? You know. Because people are out tonight. And might be crazy after drinking."

"Yeah." Eddie nodded, his own eyes darting a little wildly and screaming that he found the situation uncomfortable. Which did absolutely nothing for all the feelings Buck had zooming around him which were impossible to articulate or discuss or-

Buck hesitated, swallowed away the words, and pivoted on the ball of his foot to return to the party because putting distance between them seemed like the smartest thing even though he just wanted to wrap Eddie into his arms and not let go until midnight.

"Hey, Evan?"

He paused, lips pressing together as he looked back at Eddie. Who hadn't moved from his spot beside the truck. Who still looked like he wasn't sure what he was doing there on the side of the road.

"I hope this next year is better for you," Eddie said, his voice laden with uncertain but his eyes, at least, were steadier. "After everything that happened this year, I- You deserve to have a happier year."

Buck opened his mouth, closed it, blinked several times. "Thank you?" That wasn't meant to come out like a question. Why had it come out sounding like a question? Who said _thank_ _you_ to something like that? He'd hit himself in the head later.

"I just, um…" Eddie shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked from his heels to the balls of his feet, his gaze fixed on something over Buck's left shoulder. "After the other day and… Well, I mean _everything_ you've done with Chris this year like saving him with the tsunami, or looking after him before and after that when I needed the help and you were off, which was totally taking advantage of free babysitting by the way and I shouldn't have imposed like that. And I know you were there as best as you could be after Shannon because of your leg and just- I-" Eddie's tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip and Buck wondered when it felt like his heart had swelled to be three times larger than it usually was. He felt like his ribs might crack open and expose just how much Eddie's thoughts were soaking and saturating his soul. "I just don't know what I'd do without your friendship, you know? And I- I just needed you to know I appreciate it."

Buck felt somewhat dazed as he stared at Eddie. It made him realise that, even after all their many conversations over the past few months, he wasn't sure Eddie had ever been so directly grateful with such obvious warmth and affection in his tone. He wished he could bottle how the words made him feel so that he could inhale it again on the bad days and the awful nights.

And it was _so much_ to try to unpack and deal with and his brain just…couldn't. Saying something heartfelt in response was beyond him, because he'd end up regurgitating bodily organs and probably embarrassing himself. Eddie was his best friend and it was true, Buck _had_ done a lot for Chris this year, but Eddie was still just his friend.

So he did what he always did when conversations got too close to poking at sore spots.

He deflected.

"That was a very long-winded way of saying I'm important to you too," he said, lips stretching into a crooked grin as he ducked his head to avoid the glare that Eddie threw his way.

Eddie flipped him off and grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, " _Ungrateful asshole_ ," and turned towards his truck.

"Hey, Eddie?"

Eddie's eyes flicked over his shoulder, clearly guarded for another joke at his expense.

"Will you text me when you get home? So I know you're safe?"

It was Eddie's turn for his mouth to fall open slightly before snapping shut. "Sure," he conceded, gaze narrow on Buck's face like he was hoping to see straight through him or maybe that Buck would say more but…Buck couldn't put himself out there that way. Not yet. Not when he didn't understand what was really going on between them. "Have a good rest of your night."

Buck scrunched his nose when the thought of dealing with Chim reared its head. Maybe that thought was displayed clearly on his face because Eddie was laughing again as he climbed into the driver's seat. He stuck his hand out of the window and waved as he left and Buck, feeling idiotic standing there and watching Eddie drive away, waved back.

When he returned to the party, it all seemed to be exactly how he'd left it and yet it felt like there was a glowing piece of the puzzle missing, like Eddie and Christopher leaving meant that the sun had left the room and the colours seemed more washed out than usual and nothing was around to hold his attention.

"You okay, baby bro?" Maddie said, circling him at one point to sit on the arm of the chair while he nursed a beer and played with his phone. Eddie's text of ' _we got home safe, happy new year b_ ' was stencilled across his brain and making it difficult to concentrate on whatever Hen, Athena and Bobby were talking about.

"I'm good, Mads," he assured, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. She squeezed back and held on for a while, adding her own commentary to whatever Athena was saying which meant she knew what was happening even if Buck didn't and…as much as he sometimes loathed his sister getting together with his colleague for all the entanglements it caused, he was glad his sister genuinely fit in with the people that he considered his family too. After everything she'd been through with Doug, it was the least she deserved.

When midnight struck, and Buck observed all the various couples turn inwards and kiss, he felt the cold hollowness he so often associated with waking up after a nightmare alone seep from his chest and flit around the room. It sucked to be alone in a crowded room, realising the insidiousness of loneliness that could hit you out of nowhere and remind you that you had no one special. And Buck just _missed_ that sometimes, but especially a time like now.

And then he caught Denny's eyes, who looked absolutely repulsed by all the kissing, and dissolved into laughter.

* * *

"Seatbelt?"

"Buck, you buckled me in!"

"Hey, maybe that's where my name comes from!" he said, peeking over his shoulder at Christopher in the backseat who rolled his eyes even though he wore the biggest grin. "Besides, you can never be too cautious, little man."

"Who are you callin' 'little'? I'm gonna be as tall as you by the end of the year," Chris retorted and Eddie's attempt to hide his snort with a cough failed miserably.

Buck cast his friend a withering glare and folded his arms over his chest with a pout, starting to wish he hadn't taught the kid so much sass during his time off over the summer. "You try to be _nice_ …" he muttered, half to himself.

"Hey." Eddie's hand brushed his arm, drawing Buck's eyes towards him. "It's just his way of saying you're _important_."

And Buck… Buck was _outraged_ at the wicked smirk that curled Eddie's lips and the crinkling at the edge of his eyes. "Hey, you don't get to-"

Eddie's trembling shoulders turned into full-blown laughs as he revved the ignition and backed out of his driveway. In the backseat, Chris was laughing too even though Buck wasn't entirely sure he understood the joke that Eddie was continuing from New Year's Eve. And even if Buck had _wanted_ to continue scowling, just to be a brat, just to dig in his heels, the sound of Eddie's genuine laughter was… It was a really, really good thing to hear after the year he'd had and he couldn't help but smile at it too.

Chris chattered in the backseat about what he wanted to do at the park and how high he wanted to climb on the equipment – which meant Buck would watch him like a hawk in case he fell because he couldn't handle the thought of the kid getting hurt. Chris was so excited, so _positive_ , that Buck started thinking about when he'd tried to find Chris' secret to remaining optimistic when they were on top of the fire truck in the middle of raging waters. It never ceased to amaze him that Chris functioned remarkably well in the aftermath of the tsunami, all things considered. He knew about the nightmares Chris, how he'd drawn Shannon drowning because he hadn't processed her death, but during the day? Chris seemed like he was okay, like any other normal kid, and Buck… Buck was not the same and he doubted if he ever could find the person he was before the water, and the bombing.

Eddie's fingers touched the back of his curled fist, drawing Buck's attention to his bouncing knee. He forced himself to release a breath and unwind his hand, offering Eddie a weak smile in response to the raised eyebrow.

"I'm okay," he quietly assured and though Eddie's eyebrows dipped into something disbelieving, he didn't push. Probably because Chris was still in the car, discussing the people on the streets or the shops or anything else that caught his eye.

It made Buck wonder if he'd _ever_ been that sort of kid. He honestly couldn't remember talking much at home because he'd never felt like anything he said would be heard. He considered asking Maddie about her memories but he was afraid of her answer. She always had a different perspective to him, probably because of their age difference.

"This is _awesome_ ," Christopher marvelled as Eddie parked the car. Buck could hear the kid straining against his seatbelt to get a better look at the equipment. Buck had to admit, it did look fun.

There was a huge, multicoloured jungle gym in the centre. At random intervals spiralling away from it were circles indented in the ground, where Buck could see other kids springing into the air so he assumed they were some sort of mini trampoline. There were pairs of swings, and some sort of rope climbing thing with a series of knots that twisted in on itself, and a small flying fox stretching from one end of the playground to the other.

"You won't climb too high, alright?" Eddie said, voice firm, and Chris sighed.

" _Fine_."

Buck pressed his lips together to hide his smile as he and Eddie unclipped and then went to retrieve Chris. Once his crutches were in hand, the kid almost bounded away, waving at a few kids although Buck couldn't imagine he knew them. Chris just smiled that much that he seemed to make friends instantly.

"He's a good kid," he said, elbowing Eddie who was watching with the sort of look that suggested he wanted to chase his kid and set up mattresses beneath all the equipment to spare him if he fell. "Congratulations."

"Yeah, he's pretty awesome," Eddie agreed, a small smile spreading when he watched Chris tip his head back and laugh at something a boy similar to Chris' height said. "Should we get a seat where we can watch him?"

Buck was tempted to join Christopher on all the equipment, because there were so many things that looked _fun_. He suspected Eddie knew that, given the way he looked at Buck a moment after he asked, but sure. Sitting was okay too.

They found a bench and watched Chris for a while as tested the mini trampolines. He wobbled a lot, using his crutches on the higher ground to steady him. They watched him discard his crutches by the jungle gym and start climbing, laughing at something a girl said who reminded Buck of Lucy, the kid who'd lost her mother while having milkshakes.

"What happened in the car?" Eddie said, the question slicing through his reverie and drawing his eyes away from Chris. "The knee thing. You went really still but then your knee-"

"Just thinking," he said, shaking his head and looking back at Chris. "It's a new year, right? I'm leaving the past where it belongs."

"Buck-"

"It's better now, okay?" He could shower without feeling like he was going to shake out of his skin and he could almost handle damp clothes without wanting to throw up. Even the nightmares had lessened, though they weren't extinguished. He put that down to all the extra time he'd spent with Chris. By reassuring his conscious brain that the kid was alive, the subconscious part that fretted about his safety had been soothed. "Please, Eddie. Not today."

He could still feel Eddie's eyes on him, the uncertainty coming off him in waves. He knew how many questions Eddie would want to ask. "I'm always here for when it's not today, you know."

Buck felt like his breath got stuck halfway into his lungs at the care, the way Eddie continued to reach out, even when it was barely a week ago that he was going to pieces in Buck's arms. He managed a tight nod, needing to end the conversation before it got too deep while they sat on a bench at a kid's park in the middle of winter. "I know, man. And I appreciate it."

It was a strange sort of silence that descended over them. It was simultaneously comfortable, like they'd simply run out of pointless words to say to each other, with an underlying tension that suggested there were so many important things being left unsaid. It was the sort of silence that Buck hated, where he felt like there was an expectation to fill it with inane commentary, except with Eddie he was afraid that he'd say something, let something slip, that his friend would seize upon and start investigating a feeling or a thought he wasn't prepared to face just yet. So Buck stayed silent. He wondered if Eddie kept quiet for the same reason, or if Eddie was impervious to tension Buck felt.

He did, however, zone into paying more attention to his surroundings when he felt Eddie shiver and adjust his arms beside him. Buck glanced across, eyebrow quirking.

" _Told_ you that you should've brought your jacket," he said, tracing over the flannel shirt that Eddie was wearing on top of one of his typical Henley's. He wouldn't be surprised if there was a tank top beneath it all, but Eddie's insistence that it wasn't a particularly cold day had been met with Buck's dubious stare.

"Yes, well. Didn't expect this to be quite so _open_ and _breezy_ , did I?" Eddie muttered, tucking his hands under his arms and exhaling a breath that curled with misty whiteness.

Buck rolled his eyes and slid his jacket from his shoulders to drape around Eddie's. "Take mine."

"I-" Eddie frowned at him, shaking his head and picking at the fabric. "I can't. It's cold. _You'll_ get cold."

"I'm from Pennsylvania. This is practically summer," he joked and it was Eddie's turn to roll his eyes and fix him with a dubious stare. "Seriously, man. If I get cold, I'll just take it back and you can suffer with the knowledge that _I told you so_."

" _La_ _generosidad_ ," Eddie hissed and Buck didn't need to be fluent in Spanish to guess at what _that_ meant. He grinned, sticking his hands in his pockets as Eddie pushed his arms through the sleeves of Buck's jacket and folded his arms across his chest again. There was another few breaths of silence and then a murmured, "Thank you."

Buck waved it away, bumping his shoulder into Eddie's. "Any time, man." In an attempt to keep his blood flowing, he decided to join Christopher, at least for a little while, to push him on the swings or run beside him on the flying fox. He jogged over to the kid and Chris was all too happy to grasp at his hand and drag him to the mini trampolines, and the rope maze, and the jungle gym.

"You're warm," Chris hummed, snuggling into him even though Buck was meant to be lifting him so that Chris could hold onto the flying fox rope.

"Yeah?" He looked over at Eddie, intending to call out something about wanting his jacket back, but Eddie was looking at his phone rather than them and the moment lapsed as he returned his attention to Chris. "Lucky for you then, huh?"

"Yep." Chris wiggled towards the edge of the flying fox platform and then fixed Buck with a very uncertain look. "Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah, bud?"

"Can we get ice cream after this?"

Buck wouldn't have said it was freezing, not after growing up on the east coast, but it _was_ cold. Too cold for ice cream? Perhaps. He'd already lost his jacket and he could only imagine Eddie balking at the idea of ice cream, but maybe Buck could buy him a hot chocolate instead and satisfy both Diaz boys. "We'll ask your dad when you're done playing, okay?"

"Okay. You ready?"

"Am _I_ ready? More like are _you_ ready?"

Chris giggled, hips swinging as he clung to the rope. "Absolutely!"

He kept pace with Chris as the kid flew through the air, shrieking with bright laughter that stole its way deeper and deeper into Buck's heart. He didn't even realise how much he was laughing as he caught Christopher at the other end, swinging him in a circle before setting him on the ground. There was nothing he wouldn't do for this kid and at some point, he wondered if that would start to scare him.

* * *

"No, no, it's my treat," he said, batting away Eddie's hand and extending his card to the kid behind the counter.

"You really don't have to-"

"Look, Chris asked for ice cream and I passed on the message. That's like inviting you out for ice cream, right? And whoever does the inviting does the paying." Did that make this sound too much like a date? It _totally_ made this sound too much like a date. His eyes felt very wide as he turned back to the kid to disrupt the conversation he was having with Eddie. He thanked her and shoved the ice cream cup and hot chocolate that Eddie had ordered firmly into his hands so that Eddie had a distraction from thinking this was a date. Because it wasn't a date. It had never been a date. It had been taking Chris to the park, because the aquarium was still a bad place to think about going, and getting some ice cream. But it wasn't a date.

They settled into a small booth in the corner of the shop with Chris tucked between them. Chris leaned into Buck's chest, shoving his spoon into the cup of ice cream and humming with satisfaction every time. It was adorable and Buck probably would have kissed his head if he hadn't been consuming sticky ice cream himself. He had a feeling getting ice cream sugars in Chris' curls was a bad idea.

"So, it turns out chocolate-banana ice cream is actually delicious," he said in an effort to make conversation. He shifted his shoulder to jostle Chris into paying attention. "How's your strawberry fudge sundae, little man?"

" _So_ good," Chris said with a delighted grin as he attacked another curve of an ice cream scoop.

"I still think what you've got is too sweet," Eddie mused, sipping his hot chocolate as he eyed their desserts.

Chris and Buck both shook their heads.

"You can try some if you want." Buck held out a spoonful towards Eddie, who stared at the swirls of brown and yellow like it was a monstrosity with sixteen heads and fourteen of them breathed fire and two spat out poisoned darts.

"Or mine," Chris said, extending some of the pink and white ice cream with dollops of chocolate chips embedded in it.

"I'm good, mijo. Thank you for your kindness."

Eddie poked at his scoop of coconut like it was actually _interesting_. Buck supposed it was a step up from _vanilla_ , but only just. He almost wanted to tease Eddie about lacking a sense of adventure or a sweet tooth but he couldn't find a line that didn't sound like it was laden with flirtatious innuendo and he already couldn't shake the thought that this felt like a date and it wasn't a date. So if he said something that made Eddie think he was _flirting_ … God no.

"You two can have your sugar highs and I'll clean up the mess you make," Eddie said, which made Chris chuckle and Buck stick out his tongue. Eddie gave a slight shake of his head, but that dimple in his cheek was back as a small smile played at the edge of his lips and Buck felt like he needed to determine more ways to bring that part of Eddie out.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S SO FLUFFYYYYYY.  
> Gotta have some fluff to balance all the angst, of course. Can't make _everything_ painful.  
> (Seriously though you can't tell me they don't take Chris for ice-cream dates-that-aren't-dates.)
> 
> Let me know your thoughts below about how you now have to make a dentist appointment or find me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	12. Chapter 12

**Word Count:** 3,049  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

It was _exhausting_ to empty equipment out of the truck because they all knew that everything had to be packed back into it again later. Even though it was for a good cause, and deep down he was excited about it, he still wished they could have a supply of gear that didn't have to be unloaded just for the purposes of a fire safety demonstration at the station.

"Hey, you good?"

"Yeah, it's not that heavy." Buck flexed his arms to lift the jaws higher, winking at Eddie hovering nearby with empty hands. "I'm stronger than I look."

Eddie rolled his eyes, catching up with Buck settling the jaws down by placing one of the heavy saws beside it. "You need to watch your step around all these things when you can't see properly while carrying something. Wouldn't want you breaking your _other_ leg tripping over all this."

Buck raised his hands, shoving Eddie's arm lightly. "I'll break _yours_ if you aren't careful, Diaz."

Eddie raised his arms, loose fists in front of his face and a grin on his lips as he inched forward. " _Bring_ it, Buckley."

"Idiot one and idiot two, please don't fight when the children have arrived," Hen sing-songed, appearing from around the side of the truck with a clipboard that she was writing something on. Perhaps tracking the inventory of items that had been removed to ensure everything was returned later. " _Especially_ when one of those children belongs to Eddie."

Buck tried desperately to maintain a serious and dignified expression when he met Eddie's eyes.

"Who's one and who's two is the real question," Eddie muttered to him and Buck made a rather undignified snorting sound that left Eddie laughing.

"You're older. That makes you idiot one, right?" he teased before checking his shirt was tucked in and his collar was correct and brushing nothingness off his shoulders just for something to do.

He had a feeling Eddie would have made a joke him about looking nice for Christopher but Eddie was doing the exact same thing.

"Hi!" A bright, light voice pulled him out of his fussing. Bobby strode past him and Eddie to shake the teacher's hand. She was an older woman with blonde hair, wearing a lavender cardigan over a grey dress. "I'm Mrs Roberts. Thank you _so_ much for doing this! The kids are so excited."

Behind her, at least two dozen kids stood in pairs. Towards the back, Buck could spy Christopher craning to see them. Beside him was another woman who was younger, with brunette hair and dark eyes that were sweeping over the station to take it all in.

"Not a problem at all, ma'am. We love teaching the kids about fire safety and reducing anxiety about calling 9-1-1." Bobby released her hand and turned towards the assembled kids. "Well? Don't just stand there, everyone! Find a seat so we can show you all the cool things!"

Buck noted the way Eddie shifted and glanced at him, spying the fidgeting hands at his sides like he longed to approach Chris and give him a hug when Chris waved at them. He pressed his lips together to avoid smiling and focused on the role he was meant to play in their presentation by demonstrating equipment and talking about his role in the team.

Even though he knew Chris's sole focus was on him and Eddie which made him want to stand taller, it was easy to slip into going through the motions after they'd done so many presentations to so many groups of kids, like Harry's school group last year. He held up the saw when required so that Eddie explained what they used it for, then they swapped roles so Eddie could hold up the jaws and Buck provided the explanation. Bobby periodically asked the kids questions and took turns choosing the volunteers from the flurries of hands that went into the air. Hen and Chim talked through some of the basic medical procedures for saving a life and explained the importance of calling 9-1-1 and listening to the operator's instructions. They showed some of the equipment they might use in life-saving circumstances, like the defibrillator, and why it was so important that a call was made as soon as someone didn't seem okay.

Once the main portion of the presentation was out of the way, it was time to divide the kids into exploring the trucks in a small group or providing a quick tour around the key areas of the station.

"Have fun," he muttered to Eddie, who was on truck exploration duty. It was usually the least exciting, but most demanding, job because you spent most of the time telling the kids not to push the buttons or twist the dials. Bobby had stuck Eddie on it for a while now because, as he explained it, Eddie had a way of 'keeping the kids in line' when he requested they just look at the control panel and climb into the truck. Even so, Eddie's nose wrinkled while Buck skipped away, finding his small tour group of restlessly excited youngsters accompanied by their teacher. When he glanced over at the truck, he saw the other brunette woman leading Chris toward the vehicle and Eddie holding out a hand to his son.

"So, who's ready to see all the parts of the firehouse?" he said, turning his attention back to the kids and flashing them a huge grin.

A chorus of high-pitched " _Meeeeeeeeee!_ "'s greeted him and he gave two thumbs up, gesturing to the kids to follow him. He pointed out the bunk room and the locker room, explaining that sometimes they had to catch sleep whenever they could because a 24-hour shift was exhausting if they hadn't slept. The gym hardly needed an explanation but one kid with pigtails asked how often the equipment was used if they were out saving lives or sleeping so much. Her eyes went very large when Buck explained that there were some people who preferred to be in the gym instead of sleeping, and several kids tittered at the idea of _no sleep_.

He led them up the stairs and showed off the kitchen area and a young boy whooped at the gaming console attached to the television, which made Mrs Roberts remind him about keeping his reactions appropriate. Then he took an even smaller group of kids who weren't afraid of heights across some of the upper rafters that criss-crossed the firehouse, explaining how useful it was to be able to see the top the trucks after a call to check everything was safely cleaned and stowed.

With his first tour finished, he pointed towards the stairs and they followed Mrs Roberts so they could start climbing through the trucks.

"Mister Fireman?"

A small tugging on his shirt drew his attention downwards to the girl with pigtails. Her hands were covering her face but there was already blood leaking past her clamped fingers.

"Uh oh." He blinked several times, then cast his eyes around. Everyone else had already gone downstairs. "Uh- Alright. Come with me." He patted the back of her shoulder, steering her towards the kitchen where he grabbed the roll of paper towels. Tearing off several strips and dampening them with water, he crouched in front of her. "Let me have a look, sweetheart."

Eyes welling with tears, she lowered her blood-soaked hands to expose the smears of red over her cheeks, mouth and chin. "Is it really bad?" she whispered, bottom lip quivering.

"Nah, honey. I've seen worse," he said, offering her a gentle smile to try to comfort or calm her and holding up the paper towel. "Do you want me to do this?"

She nodded, a tear slipping down her cheeks.

He lightly dabbed at the blood near her temples that had to have been smeared by her fingers. "Does it happen often?" he said, deciding to run some light diagnostics while he cleaned. She wrapped her hands around his arms, her big blue eyes sad.

"Sometimes." She made a small shrugging motion. "It's more common in summer but it happens at school too for no real reason."

"That sucks, kiddo." He kept cleaning, occasionally pulling her jaw down slightly so that her head tilted forward and allowed any other blood to trickle free. "It's not much fun to be seeing your own blood, huh?"

Damp eyes blinked at him. "I- I can taste it in my throat and mouth too. It's yucky."

"I'll get you some water after this, okay?" He wiped carefully at her lips, then rid her jaw of the lines of red. "Almost good as new."

Her smile wavered. "Thank you, Mister Fireman."

"Buck," he said, offering her a smile that she tentatively returned. "You know Christopher? He's the son of my best friend, Eddie."

"You're friends with Chris _and_ Mister Diaz?" Her eyes grew very wide, her lips parting in excitement. "Chris is _so_ cool! He's always smiling and laughing and he draws the _best_ pictures in class! I like him! He's really smart and funny!"

"That's great to hear. I think he's pretty awesome too." Blood gone, he gave a satisfied nod and threw the paper towels in the trash then filled a glass with some water. "C'mon. Everyone's probably wondering what happened to us and you've still got a truck to check out if you wanted."

She nodded, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she descended the stairs and joined her original group that was gathered by the truck near Eddie.

"Chim took the other- Wait. What the hell happened to you? Whose blood is that?"

Buck followed Eddie's panicked stare to his wrists and arms, which were covered in blood stains.

"Oh. Uh- The kid-" He looked around until he found her sitting in one of the chairs, sipping from the water and swinging her feet. Realising he had blood on his arms from her hands meant he hadn't thought about cleaning her hands because he'd gotten distracted talking about Chris and Eddie. "Nosebleed."

"Oh." Eddie still stared at him, lips pressing around words that maybe weren't appropriate for small ears to hear. "You, uh- You should probably clean that up. It'll freak the others out. It'll definitely scare Chris when he sees you."

Hearing that made it clear that he probably _did_ look like something out of a zombie movie and the last thing he wanted to do was scare Chris. "Yeah, yeah. Okay. Are you cool with the kids?"

" _Go_ ," Eddie insisted with a wave and Buck jogged towards the bathroom to clean up.

When he got there, he could see why Eddie had stared at him in such fright. Somehow, there was _also_ a child-sized handprint of blood on his face. He couldn't try to explain that one, he didn't remember the girl touching his face, but he scrubbed it off anyway and then noticed darker splotches on his shirt which could've been water or blood. Deciding not to take any chances, especially if they had a particularly messy call, he unbuttoned his shirt and went to retrieve a fresh one from his locker.

He was still buttoning it when he emerged and returned to the gathering of students hovering near Hen and Bobby and still asking a myriad of excited questions. The young brunette that had seemed to be accompanying Chris was now standing closer to Eddie and Eddie, Buck couldn't help noticing, looked relaxed with a faint smile on his face as he leaned against the truck.

"You know, the navy uniforms look good on you," she was saying as Buck approached them. Her voice was sweet but her eyes raked over Eddie with unmistakable interest and Buck had to fight the urge to laugh, vomit or bite her head off. Even at work, even in the station with Eddie's kid nearby, some woman was using the sort of pickup lines that Buck had usually heard at seedy bars in the early hours of the morning. "It really brings out your eyes."

"I think it's just so that you don't see all the bodily fluids we encounter," Eddie replied, clearly not giving her his full attention, but the woman seemed unperturbed by the gruesome image that Eddie was apparently trying to conjure.

"Black would be a good look too," she continued and Buck rolled his eyes and detoured, seeking Christopher sitting beside the girl with pigtails.

"Hey, champ. Did you have fun?" he said, crouching by Chris' seat.

"Buck!" Chris wrapped his arms around Buck's neck in a clumsy hug. "It was the _best_. Thank you."

"No problem, kiddo." Buck ran his fingers through Christopher's curls and then held him with one arm while he looked the girl over. Her hands were clean. He wondered if Eddie had helped or someone else in the station had intervened. "Your friend here had a bit of a nosebleed earlier. You think you can keep an eye on her til you get back to school in case she needs Mrs Roberts' help?"

"Why didn't you _tell_ me, Amanda?" Chris demanded, sounding every bit like his exasperated father as Amanda tugged at one of her pigtails shyly.

"I didn't want you worrying," she said, eyes huge as her gaze shifted between Chris and Buck. "Mister Buck took care of it for me."

Chris shook his head even as he leaned into Buck. "Thank you for helping Amanda, Buck."

Buck fought his smile as he squeezed Chris. "Not a problem, bud. How are you feeling now, Amanda?"

She offered a nervous smile and held out the empty glass to him. "Better. Thank you for the water."

Collecting the glass, he gave one last squeeze to Chris before releasing him to sit next to Amanda again. "Helping is what I'm here to do." He gave a brief pat to the top of her head and then went upstairs to the kitchen to get rid of the glass. The last thing he needed to do was put the glass down and it broke because someone didn't know it was there, scattering shards far and wide and potentially damaging a truck tyre when they rolled out to a call.

Soon enough, the excursion of kids had disappeared back to the bus and the clean-up of the tools and equipment began. As far as Buck was concerned, it was the worst part about the whole exercise. Even more than being stuck on truck exploration duty and pleading with kids to leave the oh-so-tempting dials and buttons and switches alone.

On one of his trips back and forth, Buck passed Eddie whose eyes were distant and his brows were slightly furrowed.

"Hey, you alright?" he said when Eddie joined him by the side of the truck a minute later, a coil of rope around his arm.

"Yeah, just…" Eddie shook his head as if to dislodge whatever was stuck in his head, the frown deepening. "Just thinking, you know?"

"Yeah." Buck lifted the jaws back into their compartment, checked everything was tucked in securely, and then shut the door. "Don't hurt yourself with it though."

Eddie hummed as they returned for another load. "What would _you_ do if you got someone's number?"

Buck almost tripped over his own feet when he immediately thought of the brunette that had been unashamedly flirting with Eddie. It was an odd question, completely out of the blue, but given the way she'd sidled up to him, complimented his uniform… There was absolutely no one else it could have been. His heart flared with something hot and painful that he refused to acknowledge for long. He balled his hands before moving to lift the next item, purely as a distraction from how he felt.

"Call it and see where it took me," he said with a shrug, needing to play it cool and like he was entirely unaffected because Eddie deserved to be happy, and Eddie deserved to move on if he felt like he was ready. Buck had already accepted that nothing could ever happen between them and who was he to be the gatekeeper for his best friend's happiness? "It's a new year, remember? Leaving last year behind?"

"Yeah, I guess," Eddie mumbled, surveying the remaining equipment scattered across the floor.

Buck wondered how much Eddie was thinking about Shannon, and how much Eddie might _always_ think about Shannon, and how much Eddie might never be able to _stop_ thinking about Shannon.

Every pulse of his heart left a new bruise against his ribcage that he wasn't sure he'd recover from.

* * *

It was impossible to ignore how frequently Eddie checked his phone during the next shift. It was something Buck hadn't seen him do since Shannon had re-entered his life a year ago and it made his skin crawl. He tried to focus on other things, anything else, but it was damn hard when Eddie seemed to be around so often with a slight smile on his face when he withdrew his phone to check it, tapping at the screen before pocketing it again.

Even on the calls they had to make, Eddie didn't seem entirely present and Buck knew Eddie was wondering if he had any fresh texts.

"That look will give you wrinkles early," Hen teased, elbowing him as she sat beside him on the couch.

"Have you ever wanted to hate someone?" he said, voice edged with more darkness than he would have liked. Her eyebrows rose, lips pursing, as he exhaled and tried to lessen some of the anger coursing through him.

"Depends. Who are we hating? And why?"

Buck shook his head, flipping through the magazine. "Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Buck." Her hand touched the back of his arm, something softening in her eyes and her voice as she gazed at him. "Are you okay?"

He gritted his teeth and gave her the most forced smile he'd given anyone the last few months. "I'm fine, Hen."

She didn't look like she believed him for a second but she also didn't push.

He wasn't sure he would have coped if she had.

The loathsome feeling he was starting to suspect was _jealousy_ was sickening. He _should_ just be happy that Eddie was happy, right?

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as though "Mister Fireman" is the cutest thing in the world. I have also been especially partial to Hen's frustrated "Idiot one and idiot two". Can we see Chris take a field trip to the 118 with his class next year? (But like... _not_ have some woman give her number to Eddie??)
> 
> And of course, they're especially idiot one and two when they can't seem to figure themselves out. Siiiigh. What do we think? Lock them in a cupboard for Seven Minutes Of Heaven? Spin the Bottle? The whole 118 yelling NOW KISS at them? 
> 
> Let me know below or I'm on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	13. Chapter 13

**Word Count:** 4,840  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

The colours of the television blurred in front of his eyes as he clicked through the channels, voices talking over voices and music chopping to other music. He should have gone to bed an hour ago but he was restless for no apparent reason and the thought of going to bed, the very _idea_ of feeling like this and trying to close his eyes, was enough to make him shudder. Changing channels, staring at flashes of faces or fuzzy shapes, was at least a better distraction to the silence and his thoughts drifting to the tsunami.

There was a knock at his door, almost hesitant, and he frowned. Abandoning the remote and leaving the television on some random show, he opened the door and knew his frown hadn't abated when he saw Eddie shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Hi?" he said, gaze sweeping over Eddie's jacket and jeans and scarf combination, his cheeks and eyes slightly red like he'd spent a lot of time outside in the winter wind or he'd been crying.

"Hi." Eddie's eyes wandered aimlessly, fingers twitching at his sides. "I, um… I was in the neighbourhood and I- I hope you don't mind that I'm, um…dropping by unannounced."

Buck's gaze narrowed. "It's…fine. Why were you over this way?"

"No reason," Eddie shrugged, but he still wouldn't meet Buck's stare and that said _volumes_ more than his quiet words. "I was, uh… I just thought of you and… I mean, I didn't know if you'd still be awake but I thought I'd, um…stop by. If I could. If that's okay."

Buck hesitated for a moment before standing aside, motioning Eddie into his apartment because he really couldn't turn Eddie away when he looked seconds away from skittering away. "It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway and was looking for something to watch on TV."

Eddie's fingers fiddled with the buttons of his jacket but he wasn't undoing them. It looked like he just needed something to play with and Buck felt the hairs at the back of his neck rise at this version of Eddie, the one who appeared to be unravelling at the seams but couldn't find the words to admit it.

"Come here," he murmured, fingers catching on Eddie's coat and tugging the other man towards him.

Eddie inched closer, allowing Buck to push buttons through button-holes and peel the jacket from his shoulders, exposing the navy button-down shirt underneath. He didn't comment on the small shudders rippling down Eddie's spine and evidently moving across his shoulders as he unwound the white scarf from his neck, hanging both articles of clothing on the coat stand by his door. He didn't comment on the thin ring of colour around Eddie's eyes which left him looking slightly unhinged. He didn't comment on the way Eddie's mouth seemed to twist around unspoken words, his throat tensing from time to time as if he was preparing to say something that then never eventuated.

He observed Eddie, weighing his options. "Do you want a drink?"

"No, I… I'm good."

Lost for what to do, Buck tilted his head towards his couch and Eddie gave a tentative nod, toeing off his shoes as Buck returned to his living room area. Buck settled against one end of the couch, patting the space in front of him when he saw Eddie's eyes darting around like they hadn't done this multiple times before. Eddie's lips pressed together but eventually he settled in the space between Buck's legs, stiff-backed with slight trembles still travelling through his frame.

Buck adjusted some of their limbs to find a more comfortable position, one arm curving against Eddie's back and the other running lightly through his hair. Curled together like this, he could feel the tension Eddie was holding in his body and the shallow inhalations that he couldn't possibly miss. He wondered what it was that had triggered such a reaction and where Eddie had come from and whether he planned on staying overnight when they had a shift tomorrow.

"You can tell me anything, you know," he murmured after at least ten minutes of silence had dragged out between them without a sound from Eddie. The jerky nod he received did little to soothe his concerns but he kept running his hand through Eddie's hair, fingers curling behind his ear and over his jaw or the back of his neck from time to time because Buck knew it helped comfort Christopher.

One show had seeped into another show before Buck felt any of the rigidity in Eddie's posture start to unspool, but he held in his words and his questions because he didn't want Eddie to clamp down again. He knew the sort of courage that it would have taken Eddie to show up in such a state and he knew how easily Eddie could turn up for work with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Buck wasn't willing to jeopardise Eddie starting to relax by poking around with intrusive questions.

"I wanted… I wanted to fight tonight," Eddie whispered, halfway through whatever colour and noise concoction was spilling light and sound into Buck's apartment. "I wanted to go to a fight and break something but I knew I couldn't because you know, and Bobby knows, and we have work tomorrow and I… I didn't know what else to…to do."

Buck brushed the softest of kisses against the top of Eddie's hair, clenching his eyes and fighting to regulate his breathing and heartbeat and thoughts to not betray how Eddie feeling like _that_ and coming to see _him_ made him feel. He increased the pressure of his arm around Eddie's quaking shoulders, as if that could somehow keep Eddie together better. "Then I'm glad you came here, man," he said, nosing at the top of Eddie's hair and listening to him release a shuddering exhale. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, this is… It's good." Eddie gave a small nod, cautious fingers tangling into Buck's sweatshirt. He went quiet, another swirl of colour and light and muted sound before he spoke again. "Thank you, Evan."

"Any time," Buck assured, a promise he would keep up to and including the point where Eddie hated him, died, or started dating someone. He just hoped Eddie didn't feel the way his heart spasmed at those thoughts. He couldn't imagine losing Eddie from his life but he also knew friendships could disintegrate and he'd come close to ruining what he had built between them last year.

"Is Chris with Abuela?" he said, drifting his fingers over the swell of tense muscle he could feel in Eddie's arm and trailing them towards his wrist.

"Carla," Eddie mumbled, a sharp inhale sticking in his throat. "She- She picked him up from school."

He nodded even though he blinked at the confession, because Chris would've finished school _hours_ ago. Had Eddie been feeling like this all day? He remembered what Eddie had said about being in Buck's neighbourhood. Had he been circling around, trying to work up the nerve to knock? It made him hurt just to think about it.

"Do you… Do you want to talk about why you wanted to fight?"

The silence settled again for a long time again, a heavy cloak that Buck was in no hurry to dislodge when he felt Eddie's shoulders tense again at the question. Eddie would, or wouldn't, talk in his own time. If he'd wanted to say no, he would have. If he _really_ hadn't wanted to talk, he would've exploded and stormed out. Staying put meant he either wanted to talk or he was even more scrambled than Buck had suspected, but at least he stayed. He didn't see Buck's question as a threat or a demand and that seemed like a minor victory.

"You're coming to Christopher's party on the weekend, right?"

Buck startled slightly at the abrupt change in topic, the sudden question in the relative silence of his apartment. He rested his cheek against the top of Eddie's head, wrapping him into a loose hug. "Of course, man. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Okay." Eddie's hand uncurled and curled again, like he was trying to remind himself he had something to hold onto or maybe because he'd wanted to let go and then decided he couldn't. "Okay."

Eddie didn't end up offering an explanation. He stayed overnight but insisted he wanted to be on the couch on his own which was…weird but Buck allowed him the space. He was disappointed to find Eddie had left before Buck descended, but he was absurdly grateful that he'd repaired things with Eddie enough that the other man showed up to be held instead of being beaten up to the point of bruises and blood and broken bones.

The fact he didn't know what had left Eddie so on edge seemed a small price to pay for the continuing secrets and assurance of his safety.

When he checked his phone while nursing a coffee, the corners of his lips upturned at the simplicity of Eddie's message printed across his screen:

_thank you_

He traced his fingers over the message, bottom lip caught between his teeth, before he typed out a response:

_call me if u need anything  
any time_

By the time he arrived at the 118 for his shift, Eddie was dressed and his eyes were clear and he was joking with Chim and Hen between calls like nothing had ever been wrong the night before. It hammered home that Eddie could've shown up to dozens of shifts and seemed like his regular self even when he'd been falling apart.

Buck tried to pretend he didn't feel cold inside at the thought.

* * *

He bounded up the stairs to Eddie's front door, the package wrapped in Superman paper tucked under his arm. He smiled at the small collection of multicoloured balloons strung to the doorknob of Eddie's house and could hear the buzz of noise inside the house of people talking above the low beat of some sort of music. He steeled himself against it, fully aware that Eddie's family was also inside which just made this whole party thing even more daunting than it would've been.

"Buckaroo!" Athena hollered when he passed the kitchen. He winced around a smile, retracing his steps to wave and ducking his head slightly when everyone from the 118 started calling greetings to him.

"I need to-" He pointed further down the corridor and Athena and Maddie made little shooing gestures, so he continued walking until he located Eddie hovering in the doorway of the living room and watching Chris play games with Denny and other kids his age who were probably from his school. "Hey, sorry I'm late," he said, brushing their shoulders together and trying to dispel some of the rigidity in Eddie's posture that screamed how much of an overprotective parent he was trying _not_ to be.

"I'm not the one you need to apologise to," Eddie said, but there was no heat in his words when he offered Buck a small smile and nodded his head towards Chris. "He's been waiting for you all day."

"Better make up for my disappointment," Buck joked and Eddie snorted and elbowed him, nudging him towards Chris. Buck deposited the present on the dining table and crept towards the back of the couch to approach Chris, covering his eyes with one hand and making the kid squeal and protest his inability to see the game. "What's more important, the game or me?" he murmured into Chris' ear and the kid started laughing, tiny hands moving to swat at Buck's wrist.

"The _game_ , Buck. _Obviously_ ," Chris said, tipping his head back when Buck removed his hand and smiling so wide Buck wondered if his cheeks hurt. It was impossible not to smile in return at the happiness in Christopher's expression.

"Well, in that case, I'll take back my birthday wishes and keep them for myself," he teased.

Chris held up his arms and Buck dragged him until his feet were on the cushions, keeping his hand on Chris' waist for steadiness when the kid wrapped his arms around Buck's shoulders for a hug. "But it's _my_ birthday!" Chris protested, poking his fingers into Buck's shoulders.

"Oh, is it?" Buck glanced around in mock surprise, pretending to notice the assembled Diaz family members in one corner for the first time. Eddie's Abuela was smiling at them even as she listened to something Pepa was saying. "So _that's_ why there are all these relatives of yours here and everyone said it was so important I get here."

Chris pulled back from the hug, patting his cheek and giving a small shake of his head even though he was still smiling. It was the sort of look Buck had seen on Eddie more times than he could count. "You're silly, Buck."

"I just like hearing you laugh," Buck said, smiling as he ran his fingers through Chris' hair to adjust some of the curls and then fixed the slant of the cute striped cardigan he was wearing. "Happy birthday, little man."

"Thank you!" Chris grinned at him, all teeth and scrunched eyes behind his glasses. "Now, can I go back to my game?"

Buck chuckled and helped spin Chris so he could plonk him back on the couch and resume the game he was clearly invested in. He wandered over to Eddie, who was still in the doorway but now biting his bottom lip in an attempt to hide the smile that had made the dimple reappear in his cheek.

"Don't take it personally. He doesn't get to play games here much."

Buck sniffed and tipped his head dramatically towards Chris. "I will _so_ take it personally. So much for thinking I'm _important_."

Eddie's laugh trailed after him as he returned to the kitchen to those from the 118. He instinctively moved towards Maddie first, draping an arm around her shoulders. She tangled her fingers into his hand where it hung from her shoulders, squeezing it as he dropped a kiss to her head and squeezed back.

"Glad you made it. We were starting to think you got lost," Hen said and he stuck out his tongue at her.

"She's not wrong. You've probably been to this place more in the last month than we have in our entire time working with Eddie," Chim said and if they'd been at the station, or Maddie wasn't around, Buck probably would have flipped him off.

"Traffic was hell," he said with a shrug, smiling slightly when Maddie's arm slid around his back. "I'll make it up to Chris later."

"Sometimes I forget that kid is Eddie's, not yours," Chim said and Buck started imagining places to hide his body.

The conversation shifted away from prodding at his connections to Eddie and Christopher, thank God, but that didn't stop Hen and Chim from ribbing him for his familiarity with Eddie's kitchen when a Diaz relative appeared and started searching for something Buck could locate easily. When he grew tired of feeling like the two were setting him up for something he didn't want to understand, he motioned to Bobby across the room that he needed a word. Bobby followed him out of the house and they stepped outside onto the porch at the same time as a wind swirled down the street, making Buck pull his jacket tighter across his shoulders to block it out.

"Buck?"

"I-" He bit his lip, eyes darting inside the windows of the house to spy the assembled blood and found-families that loved Eddie and Chris. "Look, he'd hate me for saying anything but- Can we keep this between us?"

Bobby's eyebrows seemed unsure whether they should rise or dip into a frown. It was almost comical that way they jiggled on his face. Almost. "I don't want to agree to something if I'm not sure what I'm agreeing to…"

Bobby's deliberation was…fair, Buck supposed. He'd probably do the same thing.

"I just- I need to know someone else is looking out for Eddie," he said, his words blending as he spoke in a bit of a rush. He wasn't exactly thrilled to expose any part of how Eddie was coping right now but he'd had several restless nights after the shift where Eddie had seemed completely focused and okay even though the night before he'd been shaky and wanting to go to a fight. "With- With the fighting, you know?" He saw something flash through Bobby's eyes which made him hastily explain, "He's not. Fighting again, I mean. I know he's not. But I- I just worry? Still?"

He sounded like a bumbling fool and he wanted to smack himself in the head. Repeatedly. He'd been debating saying something and saying nothing to Bobby for days. Perhaps he should've gone with the 'nothing' option.

Bobby's eyebrows finally settled on lowering, the assessing and calculating look that Buck knew all too well from his rehab period drifting into his gaze. "Do you know something more than you're telling me, Buck?"

"No." It was a little too fast, and a little too sharp, and did nothing to sound anything less than a complete lie. Bobby's face conveyed as much. "No, I just- I- He's my partner, right? And we both know I'm the impulsive one that makes stupid decisions so I- I need _you_ to- to be the level-headed one and take him and his responsibilities to Chris into account on a call just in case he's trying to be a hero or something."

Bobby stared at him, clearly expecting something more specific and Buck was determined not to give it to him. He couldn't betray Eddie like that. He didn't even know _why_ Eddie had wanted to go to a fight but the memory of Eddie's words, that he'd either wanted to take someone out or _be_ taken out, had haunted him for weeks. Knowing that Eddie's frame of mind could've been in that same space again, but he'd acted completely normal on the call, had scared him. So he needed Bobby to pay his partner some attention but he couldn't provide more details because he didn't have them. And his days of trying to work out whether to say something had now left him with this awkward and uncomfortable conversation.

"Okay." Bobby didn't look convinced, or satisfied, but he reached out a hand to clasp Buck's shoulder and squeezed gently anyway. "This was a smart thing to do, Buck."

He smiled, somewhat sheepish and somewhat terrified of Eddie ever finding out that he'd said anything to the Captain. He wouldn't put it past Bobby to confront Eddie in a way that made it clear he knew _something_ which then led to Eddie confronting Buck and- He attempted to derail that train of thought before it sent him spiralling with panic. "Just trying to do right by the team, Cap."

Bobby still seemed to be analysing every reaction, every word, every look, but he let Buck's shoulder go and shooed him back into the house.

"Where'd you two go? Eddie wanted to do cake but he realised you'd vanished and decided to wait."

"Quick chat," Bobby said, circling his arm around Athena and kissing her head briefly. "I'll find him and tell him we're back and ready for the cake extravaganza."

Buck hoped Eddie just assumed he'd disappeared with Bobby for something entirely unrelated as he joined the crowd in the small dining area. Isabel was helping Chris into a seat at the head of the table while his friends clustered around him. Buck could hear Pepa rummaging in the kitchen and calling out in a stream of Spanish. Buck hung back in the doorway, observing the beaming smile on Christopher's face as conversation bustled around him. It still took his breath away, sometimes, how suddenly he could get smacked in the chest with a wave of emotion when he realised how close he'd come, how close they'd all come, to losing Christopher in the tsunami. Moments like this, watching Eddie's Abuela run her fingers through Chris' hair and Eddie calling a reply in Spanish were moments he tried to commit to memory for when he woke up and questioned why he'd fought to survive all the water.

"You really do love him, huh?"

His eyes snapped to the left where Michael had sidled up to him, a smirk on his face and an arched eyebrow highlighting the amused sparkle in his eyes.

Buck's heart thumped and twisted in his chest. "He's a great kid," Buck said, the words slightly mumbled, but Michael just rolled his eyes.

"Everyone else might be as blind as a dingbat around here but _friends_ do not bat their eyelashes at one another the way you so often do," Michael said, pressing his lips together to stifle his grin when Buck felt his jaw drop in surprise and alarm and fear. Was he that obvious? Did the others know? Did _Eddie_ suspect anything? "Take it from a certified gay, Buckley. I know what I'm seeing."

"I- You- I'm not-" And okay, _yes_ , he knew there was _something_ between them but he knew Eddie didn't feel it and - _Jesus_.

Michael's shoulders quivered with barely concealed laughter. "Well, if I wasn't certain about it before, I definitely am now. You're as red as a stoplight."

Buck scrunched his nose, lips pressed into a tight line, and resolutely snapped his attention towards where everyone had started to sing a very out of tune and unsynchronised version of _Happy Birthday_ , with Eddie lowering large chocolate cake covered in nine candles in front of a clapping and delighted Christopher. When everyone was done cheering Buck turned to his left, ready to mount some sort of defence against Michael's accusations, but the man was gone.

With a huff, Buck tried to ignore how his whole body felt aflame with nerves.

* * *

"You didn't have to stay and help clean up, you know," Eddie said, for the fourth time, as Buck shoved leftover wrapping paper into a bag.

"And leave you with this?" He waved at the chaos that had erupted in Eddie's usually immaculate home. "What sort of friend do you take me for?"

"The one who usually _makes_ the mess in my kitchen and leaves _me_ to clean it up."

"Okay, first of all, _rude_." He threw the bag at Eddie's laughing head, watching paper spill from the opening as it moved in a perfect, rustling arc. "Second of all, _everyone_ knows that whoever does the cooking doesn't have to do the cleaning."

"Oh, is that right?" Eddie said, throwing the bag back at him where it bounced off his ear and then fell into his arms. "In _that_ case, my life just got a whole lot easier when I do 98% of the cooking around here."

"That was not-" He grunted, picking up another piece of paper that had escaped the bag, as Eddie started chuckling again. "You know, here I was thinking we did the cooking _together_ which meant we had to _share_ the cleaning duties."

"You'd burn my house down if I wasn't right beside you," Eddie pointed out which…was possibly true. But Buck wasn't willing to admit that.

"I'm a firefighter," he said, tipping his head back and squaring his shoulders to find the two inches of height he knew he had over Eddie. "I can avoid burning homes down with my cooking."

Eddie fixed him with a very critical look that was clearly designed to make Buck's confidence waver. "You sure?"

He tossed the bag on the floor with a scowl. "Alright, clean your own house, you absolute-"

Eddie dissolved into fresh laughter at his fake temper tantrum but Buck used it as an opportunity to find Chris in his room. The floor was piled with presents that the kid had been slowly putting away, adding new books to his shelves or placing ornaments on the little desk in one corner and pinning cards to his corkboard.

"Hi, Buck." Chris gave him a little wave and then shuffled over to him without his crutches, wrapping loose arms around his waist. "Thank you for coming today."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world," he promised, running his fingers through Chris' hair. "Did you have a good time?"

"The _best_." Chris tugged free of him and then clambered onto his bed. "I didn't open your present yet, though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I wanted to open it with just you."

He refused to concede he thought he might have been stabbed in the eye with emotion by a newly-minted nine-year-old.

"Alright." He sat next to Chris as the boy reached for the wrapped box resting on his pillow. "I, um… I hope you like it."

Chris smiled, fingers catching against the paper and tearing. "It's from _you_ , Buck. Of course I'll love it."

It was so simple, so blissfully simple and warm, that Buck couldn't help but wrap his arm around Chris' body and pull the kid into his side as the discarded paper slid to the floor by Buck's feet. Christopher's fingers were less confident with the tab holding the box together so Buck helped with a small tug and then Chris was opening the box.

"Ooooh…" Chris withdrew the small bag with straps, the large yellow _C_ emblazoned against the navy blue.

"It… It attaches to your crutches," Buck said, feeling suddenly awkward and nervous and shy around the kid. "So you can carry little things with you."

"Wow!" Chris squished into his side. "Thanks, Buck! This is awesome!"

"Yeah, but-" He hesitated, fingers curling at Christopher's sides. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands for me?"

Chris looked up at him, a puzzled frown above his pouting mouth before he did as requested. Buck reached for the bag, tugging it out of Chris' hands and opening the zip. He withdrew the figure inside and placed it in Christopher's waiting hands, tiny fingers curling instinctively around the plastic.

"Okay, open."

Chris looked down and made a soft little gasping noise that pulled at Buck's heart in ways he'd never be able to capture or explain if anyone asked. " _Oh_."

"It's, uh… It's a Marvel comics character. Her name is Silhouette and she's a superhero who uses crutches just like yours," he explained, pausing when Chris looked at him with eyes shimmering with tears. Had he made a mistake? Had he done the wrong thing? Was he not meant to find gifts that reminded Chris he had a disability? It was all so new to him. Had he- "She- She reminded me of you after you've been such a superhero this year and-"

"Buck, I _love_ it," Christopher said with such heartbreaking sincerity that Buck thought he might end up crying. Chris reached his arms up and around Buck's neck, holding on so tight that Buck could feel the small dig of the action figure's crutch in his shoulder blade. It was painful, but not unbearable. " _Thank_ you, Buck. This is _awesome_."

Buck was only too happy to wrap his arms around Chris in return, clinging to him and inhaling the soft scent of his soap and feeling his warmth. It helped settle all the insecurities and anxieties he'd had since ordering the special gift.

"I need to show Dad," Chris said abruptly, releasing Buck just as suddenly and sliding to his feet with the bag in one hand and the action figure in another. "Dad!"

"Mijo?"

"Look what Buck got me!"

Buck bit his lip as he followed Chris into the hallway, leaning against the doorframe of the kid's room as he watched Eddie crouch in front of Christopher to examine the bag.

"It attaches to my crutches and then this was inside," Chris explained, waving his hand with so much excitement that Eddie had to catch his wrist to hold it still and see what it was. When Eddie looked over Christopher's head to meet Buck's eyes, there was so much emotion in the hazel depths, so much gratitude and warmth and hope and something that Buck wanted to believe was love but would deny because Eddie couldn't possibly-

But there was still a clear storm of feelings in Eddie's eyes and he didn't know what to do with them so he gave a slightly wobbly sort of smile and looked away so he could keep himself composed.

"Did you thank Buck for these very cool presents, mijo?"

"Yeah. He's the _best_ ," Chris said with a nod, waving the action figure around again. "He said I'm a superhero just like her, Dad!"

There was a choked sort of laugh that fled Eddie's mouth as he touched a hand to his son's cheek, but his eyes were still fixed on Buck.

"Yeah, you are," Eddie murmured, and Buck – honest to God – had no idea if Eddie was talking to his son or to Buck.

He wasn't about to ask.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Silhouette character is real, and you can find some images of the action figure [here](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/85/e9/5d/85e95deadad78a750aa5f516c520869b.jpg) and [here](https://www.figurerealm.com/userimages/customs/62500/thumb_62224-1.jpg). I could imagine Buck painting the crutches to match the colour of Chris'. 
> 
> In a totally unplanned coincidence, this week includes my birthday. I hope everyone reading this is enjoying it and that you are all safe and well ♥ As always, you can find me on my [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/)!


	14. Chapter 14

**Word Count:** 6,029  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Some significant description of gun violence contributing to dissociation and PTSD triggers in this chapter. Please handle with care.

* * *

The feelings that had lain somewhat dormant, certainly unacknowledged, in relation to Eddie seemed to bloom into an out-of-control weed that threatened to knot around his throat and strangle him, or have thistles sharp enough to prick his hands and bleed out, every time he was around Eddie after Chris' party. How he felt was definitely not helped by his increasing awareness of just how _tactile_ Eddie was in the aftermath of the party, mostly because Eddie seemed completely unaware of how Buck flushed with heat any time their hands brushed when swapping bowls or plates, or how he felt some sort of zap whenever Eddie's elbow bumped against his while they ate at the firehouse table, or how he longed for the moments when Eddie's knee would nudge against him as they swayed in the back of the truck on their way to a call and Eddie would flash him a grin that made his heart fall into his stomach.

He almost thought Eddie was doing it deliberately but the casual touches appeared to be no different to those that Eddie shared with Chim or Hen, so Buck chalked it up to Eddie being comfortably handsy in ways that made Buck want to crawl out of his own skin. It was awfully distracting and he was about ready to tug out his hair in frustration and curse Michael into the next century if it meant that the thoughts that kept swirling through his head would finally leave him alone. It didn't help that the way Eddie had looked at him while talking to Chris about his presents seemed to be burned into his retinas and it still had a way of taking his breath away sometimes when he stopped long enough to think about it.

In his latest attempt to avoid thinking about everything that drove him crazy about Eddie Diaz, he was playing _Uno_ with Chim and Hen between calls. He had just put down his latest _+4_ and declared that the colour was blue when the sirens blared through the station, making them all startle. Buck cursed his luck, knowing Chim would probably claim he'd already taken the four cards and Buck had actually made the colour red by the time they returned. He'd have to try to remember that Chimney couldn't weasel out of it.

"To be continued," Chim sighed, folding his hand to the table while Buck took the stairs two at a time to get to the truck and pull on his hoodie, turnouts and helmet.

There was the typical flurry of movement around him as they dressed before Bobby called out sharply to Hen to bring the ambulance. She diverted to the other vehicle while the rest of them climbed in the rig, strapping on seatbelts. Chim ignited the truck's rumbling roar and Bobby flicked the switch for the sirens and then they were peeling out of the 118.

Eddie's knee brushed against his and Buck looked up with raised eyebrows. Eddie nodded his head towards Bobby in the front seat by way of explanation. When Buck craned his head around to try to get a look, he noticed how stiff Bobby was sitting and the tense look on his face.

"What have we got, Cap?" Chim said, turning to the right when Bobby made a motion at the intersection.

"Hostage situation," Bobby said, his voice tight and slightly strangled. "It's vague on the details as to whether it's a robbery gone bad or a domestic dispute. Dispatch said neighbours were reporting a lot of shouting and screaming."

Buck frowned, glancing back at Eddie who looked just as confused. "And we're going because…?"

"Because the cops requested medical support if this goes south," Bobby said and Buck…really didn't like the sound of that. There was a sense of hopelessness already in Bobby's voice that said a whole lot more than his scant words and he felt any good mood evaporate.

The remainder of the trip was made in silence and Buck became keenly aware of every turn, every bump, every little _thing_ about the trip that sharpened into focus like it did when he worried a call was going to end badly. Ever since the bombing, he found it hard not to think about getting thrown when the truck swung around a corner. Ever since the bombing, he was afraid of worst case scenarios.

Eddie's hand brushed against his, his face almost certainly mirroring Buck's concern. Buck attempted a weak smile and forced his bouncing knee to steady so he stopped broadcasting how not-okay he was to someone that knew him too well.

Chim slowed the truck to a crawl and Buck looked outside, spying the line of police cars blocking the street. It was a safe-looking neighbourhood, with neat laws and white fences and pruned hedges and the occasional flag hanging from a pole above the porch. A robbery gone bad? He was putting money on a domestic dispute which just made him feel sicker when he thought about Maddie and Doug. It was hard to believe she'd finally escaped him almost a year ago. He barely concealed the shudder.

"Keep your eyes alert and be careful," Bobby ordered.

They nodded and descended slowly from the rig, staying close to the side of the truck when one of the police officers hovering at the back of his car gestured at them. Hen joined them a moment later with a medical kit slung over her shoulder.

"Deep breath," Eddie whispered to him and Buck tried to force several breaths deeper into his lungs. It didn't help calm his nerves when he saw Eddie's cheeks were pale, his eyes wide and sweeping across the house that all the assembled police were watching from defensive positions behind their vehicles, guns drawn and trained on the house.

"Sir, I'd really like it if you would leave the house with your hands up so we can resolve this."

Buck could feel the way they all froze, heads swivelling to see Bobby's head inch past the front of the truck to peer around the corner.

"Did you know?" he heard Hen mutter to Chim, who shrugged.

"We just get dispatched wherever we're called. The fact Athena's here? Coincidence or maybe a deliberate request."

Buck felt like his stomach was twisting in on itself.

"I'm not leaving!" a male voice shouted from the house, perhaps near the door or a window. "Not when all of you want to shoot me before I've even placed a foot on the front step!"

"Sir, we don't want to shoot-"

"You cops are all the same! Shooting anyone and everyone! I'm not stupid! You think I'm stupid?"

There was a sharp, too-loud _bang_ and several high-pitched screams from inside the house. Buck flinched and covered his head. The police at their vehicles barely moved but he saw the way the one closest to them adjusted the grip on his gun, the way his jaw clencheda little more. There was a crackle over the radios to convey that this now included a person with a gun who was firing shots.

"I never said you were stupid but that was not-"

"I'm not coming out!" There were two more bangs, another set of screams, and increasingly restless shuffles from each of the police around them. "I'll kill them before I let you anywhere near me!"

"Sir-"

"I said _no_!"

Eddie shifted out of position beside him, keeping his body low to the ground and creeping towards Bobby. Buck watched in bewilderment and fear because it was these sorts of situations, the ones where he'd had to turn off his emotions, that had made it clear he didn't belong in the SEALs. Their desire for a robot meant he froze in situations where someone desperately needed help and even with all the training he'd endured, even now, he still couldn't shut off how he felt. But the way Eddie moved, carefully controlled with his jaw fixed and eyes blank, made it clear he'd been on the battlefield and knew what he was doing, that he was controlled and utterly aware of his surroundings. Watching Eddie talk to Bobby, the way Bobby shook his head but Eddie was clearly insistent on not taking no for an answer amid furious mutters and rapid hand gestures, meant it was clear to Buck's eyes when Bobby's refusals began to wilt, his shoulders slumping.

He made a small gesture and then Eddie was gone, diving around the front of the truck and out of sight.

Buck felt like his heart just about slid out of his chest and cracked on the asphalt beneath his feat.

" _Cap_!" Hen exclaimed, perhaps on behalf of Buck or Chim or all three of them, but Bobby looked at her in a way that betrayed he was just as concerned but trusting he'd made the right call.

"He knows what he's doing, Hen, in ways that we can't pretend to know."

There was a tinny whistle in Buck's ears which was intermittently drowned out by the loud _whoosh_ of his heart in his ears. He supposed that sound, at least, should have been comforting because it meant his chest hadn't turned itself inside out to sit on the side of the road.

But he felt as though the whole street had inhaled and now was collectively holding its breath to stop, and wait, and listen.

"Sir, how about this? A show of faith. Send out one of your hostages and-"

"Send out my _leverage_?"

There was a laugh that was so broken it made Buck's blood run cold and he knew. He _knew_. This situation wasn't on the precipice of turning bad – it already _was_ bad and it had spiralled out of control before they'd arrived. Maybe that's what Bobby hadn't wanted to say in the truck on the way over. But if Buck could tell from his aborted SEAL training that this was about to become a nightmare from the way the guy laughed, then every officer on the street who had experienced these calls before, and Athena, and perhaps even Eddie, knew that this situation was dire.

"I thought you said I _wasn't_ stupid, lady?"

"If you don't give me something, I'm going to be forced to call S.W.A.T. Do you want that, Sir?"

There was a long silence, the street still holding its breath, still stopped and waiting and listening. In the distance, he could hear a rumbling sound which reminded him of thunder except the sky was a clear blue without the faintest wisp of a cloud.

His eyes widened when he saw a dark, hunched figure dart towards the house, dressed in a vest and a helmet. Even though it was impossible to tell under the tactical gear, Buck could see the navy sleeves of his LAFD shirt and he knew it was Eddie. He could tell when Chim and Hen saw him too from the way Hen reached out to grab at Buck's arm, perhaps sensing that he wanted to run after his best friend and partner and the absolute _idiot_ that he was to drag him out of a dangerous zone that not even the police were daring to approach. Buck would probably shake him within an inch of his life later.

"Sir? I need _something_ from you."

"You're not getting anything!" Another shot, another scream, another recoil from Buck as Hen's grip tightened. "You're not getting me and you're not getting them."

Buck caught a glimpse of a hand from the side of the house and something he couldn't see changed in the blink of an eye.

"Go, go, _go_ ," an officer shouted at the same time as a rapid series of shots, screams that were aborted, and Buck closed his eyes and lowered his head because he knew what had just happened without anyone needing to say a thing. It was the sort of conversations they'd had in training, how to tell when situations were going to turn against you and how to cope when they did, and it was those sorts of conversations he hadn't been able to handle with any degree of dignity over his emotions. The loss of victims wasn't something he could accept. So he'd quit.

There were heavy footsteps on the stairs to the porch, the _thud_ of a door being thrown open, yells from officers to see hands, but there weren't shots. There didn't need to be. As loud as everything was, as chaotic as all the shouting, it was also eerily quiet.

Bobby's radio crackled at his shoulder, drawing Buck's attention off the ground beneath his feet. "Suspect down. We need medics!"

Bobby let them go and Buck saw Eddie almost fly around the side of the house and up the steps. Buck lagged behind Hen and Chim, knowing deep in his gut there wasn't any urgency to the call. It wasn't the first time he'd seen gunshot victims, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. Even so, stepping over the man in the foyer who clearly couldn't be saved made his stomach lurch.

Hen and Chim diverted to the left, dropping to the sides of two kids in the family room. Buck caught a glimpse of their faces and guessed they were barely teenagers. Two officers were doing CPR on the chests of the kids while Hen and Chim pressed fingers to pale, blood-spattered necks. Buck's attention drifted, casting his eyes around for Eddie. He saw feet from a room further down the corridor, one foot missing a pink slipper, and he headed in that direction because maybe no one had seen it yet and-

A police officer was leaning against the kitchen benchtop, gun already holstered on his hip. Eddie was sitting on the floor beside the officer, back against the wall, knees half-coiled to his chest, as he stared at the woman. She had brunette hair and a yellow shirt on, but her vacant eyes were on the ceiling, the bloom of congealed blood on her still chest conveying nothing could be done.

Buck hesitated, almost feeling like he _should_ do something for the woman anyway, before his eyes met the police officer's. The guy shook his head and gestured towards Eddie.

"He already declared it," he said and Buck nodded, biting his lip as he moved around the woman and crouched in front of Eddie, deliberately blocking the sight.

"Eddie?" He tried to meet Eddie's gaze but they were unfocused and, when Buck really paused long enough to pay attention, he wasn't blinking. His heart skipped a whole lot of beats because he'd seen Eddie shaken and rattled but he didn't think he'd ever seen Eddie like this. " _Hey_."

Brown eyes looked at him but there was no recognition. Buck raised his hand, somewhat concerned that he'd make contact with Eddie and then end up pinned to the floor in some sort of choke-hold. It was clear that Eddie was somewhere else. Buck wasn't sure if it was because there was a chilling resemblance between the woman's appearance and the final outfit Shannon wore, or if Eddie had been transported even further back into something that happened in Afghanistan that he'd never talked about.

"Eddie? C'mon. Take my hand. It's Buck, yeah? You're in LA."

A shuddering breath escaped Eddie's lungs, like he hadn't exhaled in several minutes. He blinked, _finally_ , but he still looked completely unaware of where he was. "I- I don't-"

"It's okay," he murmured, grazing Eddie's knee with his fingertips and watching the flickering within the depths of the hazel that had obviously seen too much, that had seen worlds of pain and couldn't process the latest infliction of agony without remembering something else entirely. "It's okay, Eddie. Just breathe for me."

He placed slightly more weight behind his hand on Eddie's knee and Eddie choked on a breath, a tear spilling down his cheeks.

"I've got you," Buck whispered, carefully securing his other hand behind Eddie's neck and scooting closer so he could rub circles around the knob of his spine. "C'mon, man. I've got you. I'm here."

Eddie reached out to him and gripped at his jacket, folding into Buck's chest. With a bit of assistance from the officer, Buck got them standing and then guided Eddie past the woman, and the man in the foyer, and out the front door, and down the steps to the street. He held Eddie against him while steering past anyone and everyone who got in his way. His eyes searched the crowd of officers for any potential danger because long-ago training had kicked in and his instincts and nerves were running high.

Bobby was standing with Athena near the truck, their heads bowed in conversation. As soon as Bobby saw them, he broke away with a question already forming on his lips. Buck shook his head, leading Eddie along the street until they were past the blockade of police cars and the truck and the ambulance. He noticed the S.W.A.T. truck, the guys milling around it with heavy guns strapped to their chest, and kept going until they were multiple houses down the street where a small crowd of people milled around curiously at a timber road block that had been set up to stop them. Perhaps they were trying to determine what had happened to their neighbours. Perhaps they shouldn't learn the awful details.

"Here," he said, ignoring the eyes on them as he positioned himself between the house and Eddie. "Sit here, alright?"

Eddie gave a jerky nod and Buck lowered them to the ground, keeping his arm around Eddie's shoulders and forcing his breathing to stay regular because if he went to pieces out of fear for Eddie's safety and wellbeing, then he stood no chance to bring Eddie out of this. Eddie continued to cling to his jacket, breath shaky and slightly misty between them in the cold January air, and Buck lowered his cheek to rest on top of the brunette hair, his gloved hand cradling Eddie's cheek.

From time to time, he peeked up at the house, watching as unmarked cars arrived and officers in plain clothes arrived. He watched as they drifted around, interviewing some of the officers on site and chatting with Athena before entering the house with notebooks and pens in hand. It was clear they were detectives and he could only imagine the investigation that was going to be launched now to determine what had happened, and what had gone wrong, and what could be done differently next time. He could only imagine how guilty Athena would have to feel that she hadn't been successful in negotiating the guy down.

He watched as Chim and Hen descended the stairs, blue gloves covered in blood, expressionless looks on both their faces as they shook their heads at Bobby. Bobby, who grasped both their shoulders and said something Buck couldn't hear, pointed them towards the truck.

He saw Hen's eyes drift past the truck and catch on them a moment before Chim's did, the small parting of her mouth as she made an inaudible exclamation, and then Buck turned his attention back to Eddie under his arm

"How are you doing?" he said, tracing his hand down Eddie's back and nudging at the top of his head with his nose.

"Don't worry about me," Eddie mumbled and though it was a relief to hear him construct a coherent sentence in response to Buck's question, Buck still could have hit him for the dismissive attitude Eddie held towards his emotions. "I'm fine."

"What do you mean you're 'fine'? You are not 'fine' and it's _okay_ to not be 'fine'." Buck tapped his index finger under Eddie's chin to lift his head and meet his eyes. "And I will _absolutely_ worry about you, Eddie Diaz, so don't even _try_ to stop me from doing that."

A tired smile pulled at half of Eddie's lips, the distance in his hazel eyes gone as he looked at Buck with something sad, something a little broken, that made Buck want to wrap him in the tightest possible blanket and ensure he had a constant supply of hot chocolate available. "Come home with me tonight? I- I don't think-"

Buck's finger shifted from beneath his chin to press lightly against his lips. "You don't have to say anything more, okay? Of course I'd do that."

Eddie blinked at him, something slow and sluggish that still stirred a deep pit of worry in Buck's stomach because Eddie's insistence that he was fine and not to worry was so far from the truth. There was still something haunted in his facial expression, some lack of comprehension that chilled Buck far more than the temperature on the street.

"Thank you," Eddie said eventually and Buck squeezed him, just a little.

"You think you can get back to the truck so we can return to the station? Might be more comfortable to sit on the couch or have a rest in the bunkroom," he suggested, but Eddie shook his head.

"Not sleeping," he said, a slightly childish pout creeping onto his lips. "Just… Yes, station would be more comfortable but I'm not going to sleep."

"Okay." Buck ran a quick hand over Eddie's hair to fix where it had been mussed and fiddled with the edge of his collar. "We'll get you out of this vest and then back to the station."

Eddie seemed surprised when he looked down and saw that he was still in the vest and Buck decided it was better not to ask too many questions or press too hard, too quickly. Instead, he helped Eddie to his feet – pursing his lips to avoid commenting on the way Eddie still sagged into him – and together they returned to the truck. Buck helped with the Velcro straps of the vest and handed it off to one of the police officers chatting with Chim and Bobby.

"How's he doing?" Bobby said, gaze flicking over Buck's shoulder to where he'd left Eddie leaning against the truck, eyes closed and head tilted back as puffs of white breath swirled around his face.

"I think he needs to be wrapped in a blanket and given some hot chocolate back at the station," he replied with a shrug. "I don't think he should be on any other calls today."

"Noted." Bobby shook the officer's hand and then motioned to Chimney. "We good to go?"

"Ready when you are, Cap," Chim said with a vague attempt at a salute. "And you two?"

Buck looked at the house, at where swarms of officers seemed to be going in and out wearing blue slippers over their shoes. There were so many questions about this scene but he would be content never knowing the answers. "Definitely."

* * *

No one missed how quiet Eddie was during the return to the station, how stiffly he sat on the couch with a blank stare on the television. He drank the hot chocolate that Buck pressed into his hands and he seemed appreciative of the blanket draped around his shoulders because he kept tightening it across his shoulder, but mostly he just seemed _empty_.

"Are you sure he's going to be okay?" Chim said as they observed Eddie from the kitchen island while Bobby stirred the vegetables they'd chopped into a pan.

"No," Buck said honestly, leaning into Hen's arms that she'd wrapped around his shoulders after he'd sat on one of the stools, "but he knows I'm there for him. I'll keep an eye on him."

"You're a good egg, Buckaroo." She ruffled a hand through his hair and he smiled faintly. "Just don't ignore what _you_ need."

"I won't." He would, though. He'd do anything for Eddie, at whatever cost to himself, to undo the damage of the call.

"Has Athena given you any update on what happened?" Chim said, switching the topic to something Buck didn't really care about. It didn't change what had happened.

"A robbery gone bad." Bobby cast a look over his shoulder at them, and then Eddie's huddled form on the couch. The truck has been deployed on two calls since the shooting. Both times, they'd left Eddie on the couch. Both times, Eddie's muscles seemed to be in the same locked position when they returned. "She's sorry she called for medical backup and got us."

"Why? She wishes someone _else_ had to clean up that mess?" Hen sniped, the disbelief in her voice clear as she rested her chin atop Buck's head.

"No, but…" Bobby jabbed his wooden spoon towards Eddie, a fleck of oil flying off the end. "We all know some calls are harder than others. Getting called to _that_ wouldn't be easy on anyone."

"Damn straight, but we know we have each other. Not many other houses are like ours, Bobby. You know that," Hen said and Bobby conceded a nod.

Buck untangled himself from Hen's arms draped around him to return to Eddie's side. He brushed their shoulders together, drawing Eddie's distant eyes towards him.

"Hey." He between the TV and Eddie's face, trying to determine if Eddie had any idea that he was watching a gardening show. "When was the last time you ate? Bobby's making dinner."

"I-" Eddie frowned, swallowed, gave a small shake of his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Okay." He settled his hand on Eddie's thigh, palm up, and waited patiently until Eddie's shoulders sagged a little and his fingers slipped between the gaps in Buck's. He couldn't tell if his heart was beating faster at the gesture or was calmed to something slower. His need to provide comfort, his ability to reach out and touch, his capacity to drag Eddie back from the brink… He was grateful for it and terrified by it. "Is Chris going to be at your place when we get there?"

Eddie shook his head. "I called Pepa when you guys were out and asked her to keep him tonight. I- I really want to see him and hold him until I can't breathe but I- I need to put myself together better first. I don't want to scare him."

Buck squeezed Eddie's hand, thumb tracing over his knuckles. "I'll drive us, okay? We can come back for my car in the morning or something."

"Okay," Eddie said, his voice barely a breath as he held onto Buck's hand like it was the only thing keeping him in the present. Maybe it was. Buck could still see the unfocused edge in Eddie's eyes and the way he couldn't seem to fix his attention on anything around him, like he was still lost in the memories of other times and other places.

When Bobby called them to dinner, he gave Eddie's hand another squeeze - and was only vaguely relieved when Eddie squeezed back - before he moved to the table alone.

"He's not joining us?" Bobby said, his concerned Dad Frown firmly in place above his eyes.

Buck pulled out his seat to sit opposite Hen, a disappointed and anxious tilt to his lips he knew he couldn't conceal. "I'll make sure he eats later." Buck wasn't sure exactly what he could convince Eddie to eat later when he sensed the other man wouldn't eat unless it was forced upon him but for the sake of ensuring he remained healthy and able to look after Christopher, Buck would do his best.

* * *

It was clear when they got inside Eddie's house that he really wasn't any more alert than he had been at the station. Eddie had gazed at him while Buck had peeled Eddie's jacket from his shoulders, crouched to untie his shoelaces and then guided his feet from them. Eddie's movements hadn't been exactly robotic getting through the front door but they were clumsy, lacking the precision he usually had. Helping him out of non-essential clothes had seemed...necessary.

"Do you want to sit on the couch? Or- Or if you'd rather go to your bed? There's enough room for both of us there." Buck wasn't unsurprised when Eddie gave a shrug to his suggestions. He hadn't been very decisive since the call either. "Alright. The bed, then. It's more comfy."

He grabbed at Eddie's hand, leading him through the silent hallway and darkened house until they reached Eddie's room. It was as tidy as ever when he flicked on the light and, for a brief moment, he realised he didn't have the usual nerves that filled him when they were in Eddie's room. Maybe it was because everything about Eddie was screaming that he wasn't okay. Maybe it was because this was something they'd done before. Maybe it was because he knew he could keep his feelings contained because Eddie was obviously a mess.

He crawled onto the side of the bed that he always seemed to end up on, extending his arms to Eddie. "Come here," he encouraged and Eddie slipped in beside him like a ghost, curling into Buck's arms to be the little spoon. The small trembles were back. "I'm here, alright? And nothing you could ever say would make me move."

Eddie's hands wound around his forearms, his grip loose. "Appreciate it," Eddie whispered and Buck nuzzled in against the back of his neck, lips brushing the back of his shoulder.

He wasn't sure how long the silence lasted, only that he was glad Eddie wasn't crying. The vacancy in his expression was painful and scary but listening to his sobs? It hurt Buck in an entirely different way to hear the last vestiges of Eddie's control unravel. It felt like he hadn't done enough to provide comfort and care to prevent Eddie disintegrating in front of him.

"Do you… D'you ever think we should just stop this?" Eddie mumbled out of nowhere and Buck frowned, tilting his head.

"Stop what?"

"This. It's… It's nice but… You'll meet someone else and then it'll be…weird. Right?"

There was a beat or ten of silence in which Buck could've said a whole lot of things. It was an opening to admit how he felt, or an opportunity to admit he'd already met someone, or a chance to say he didn't want to meet someone else. He could've even said that there wasn't anywhere else he'd rather be. But all of that freaked him out because it all meant so _much_ , and he didn't think Eddie was in the frame of mind to hear something that heavy. He didn't want to admit his feelings on a day when Eddie was already overwhelmed. If Eddie freaked out and made him leave, he was afraid of what Eddie might do when he was left alone.

So he went for the safer option, the less terrifying one. Not because he was a coward, but because Eddie just couldn't find out like this.

" _You_ met someone. You could be with her tonight." He hoped he didn't sound bitter or jealous to Eddie as he recalled the woman that had visited with the school group.

"Who? Oh. Tessa? No." Eddie shook his head, fingers squeezing against Buck's arms like he needed to remind himself they were still there. "We only went on the one date."

Buck's eyebrows almost disappeared into his hair. He'd assumed they'd gone out with all the phone checking but... " _What_? I thought-"

"Yeah, she was nice enough but…" Eddie raised one shoulder in a shrug, a soft chuckle falling past his lips. "She was clearly only attracted to the uniform. I want someone that sees me for _me_ , you know?"

And Buck definitely did know the difference. Buck 1.0 knew all about how girls loved the uniform and the truck and Buck 2.0 spent a lot of time resisting it because he was being better to himself and to the people he allowed himself to develop an interest in. Still, he'd thought Eddie and _Tessa_ had been more of a thing after all the phone checking and the smiling. But after Eddie had admitted to wanting to attend the fight, and after Michael's words at Christopher's party, Buck had been paying attention to different things which had obviously distracted him from knowing how Eddie and Tessa's fledgling relationship was developing. He was a terrible best friend.

"You'll find someone," he said eventually, ignoring the wrench of pain in his chest at the words.

"Yeah, I hope so," Eddie mumbled, thumb rubbing against Buck's arm. "What about you? It's been a while since Ali. Have you got anything going on that you've been really good at hiding from us?"

Buck felt like there was a lump in his throat that he couldn't dislodge. He wished he could just _say_ -

"No," he said, wondering if his voice sounded hoarse to Eddie's ears too. He swallowed again. "No, nothing like that. I wouldn't be here if I did."

"Oh? So you'd just drop me because of some girl?"

He snorted at Eddie's indignant tone, nosing at the back of his neck and making Eddie squirm and complain about it tickling. "I wouldn't _drop_ you. I'd just be more…circumspect about my priorities. You really think if I had someone, they wouldn't want to check I was okay after the shift we had?"

"Mmm… Point taken." Eddie tilted his head, ear brushing against Buck's forehead and the tiniest of smiles on his lips. "m'glad you're here though. It…helps."

Eddie really needed to stop saying things like that. It filled Buck with hope, like a balloon that wanted to soar through the clouds. At some point, Eddie would have to hear the impact it had on the rhythm of his heart.

"Yeah?"

"I…" Eddie paused, hands unfurling and circling Buck's to hold them against his chest. If the way Eddie's shoulders lowered was anything to go by, it helped. "I wouldn't want to be alone tonight. Not… Not after…that."

Buck scooted as close as he could, increasing the pressure of his arms. "Lucky for you, I'm not going anywhere."

Eddie hummed, relaxing a little more of his tension into Buck's hold. "Like I said, I appreciate it."

* * *

Chris unquestionably picked up on Eddie's subdued mood the following morning. Even as they ate breakfast together around the table and Chris told Buck about what had happened at school during the week, Eddie's eyes were dark and his smile was drawn and his cheeks were pale. When they were finished eating – or in Eddie's case, attempting to eat – Chris tangled his fingers into Eddie's and tugged him towards the couch.

Buck trailed a little distance behind after he'd cleaned away the dishes, watching as Christopher's smile dimmed a fraction when Eddie took a minute too long to arrange Chris in his lap before switching on morning cartoons. It was adorable, and sweet, and yet tinged with the despair that still sat heavily on Eddie's shoulders. Buck hadn't been able to completely erase it overnight. He had a feeling it might take a while.

"Hey Dad?" Chris mumbled, tapping his hand against Eddie's to draw shadowed hazel eyes towards him.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Buck could see the way Eddie's eyes reddened, the way his lips pressed together around the rush of tears, and tried to pretend he didn't notice how Eddie hid his face in Christopher's shoulder. He used the opportunity to sit in the armchair, folding his good leg towards him and fiddling with the fabric of his jeans.

"I love you too, mijo," Eddie's croaky voice said after some time, and Chris hummed with a satisfied smile on his face. His smaller hand folded itself inside Eddie's larger one.

There had been many times that Buck knew he loved Christopher and he would kill anyone who laid a wayward finger on him, but it was seeing the way Eddie reacted to Christopher's love, warmth and optimism - the same traits that had helped scab some of the scars in his heart and soul - that made him thank whatever deities existed that Chris had survived the tsunami. If anything could help Eddie heal, Buck knew it would be the shining light of his son.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I have much to say this chapter except Christopher Diaz is adorable and I often wonder what would really affect Eddie. Especially after we got to see Eddie Begins in 3B. That has to leave some scars, and I wish we saw him dealing with those just as I wish we got to see Buck dealing with his pain too. Sigh..
> 
> Anyway, as always, you can find me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/).


	15. Chapter 15

**Word Count:** 4,395  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** There is some discussion about past depressive episodes.

* * *

January seeped into February and, with it, an afternoon where Carla needed to drop Christopher at the 118 after school for the final few hours of shift because Isabel and Pepa were busy.

"Dad!" Chris yelled as his crutches clattered across the station floor, spotting Eddie as he jogged down the stairs. Buck followed at a slightly more leisurely pace, knowing he'd never hear the end of it if he didn't greet the kid. Above him, Hen, Chim and Bobby hung over the railing and waved.

"Hey, mijo." Eddie crouched to wrap Chris in a tight cuddle, decorating his face with kisses as Chris broke into peals of laughter.

"You tickle!" Chris protested, bumping at Eddie with one of his crutches until Eddie released him. He grinned when he saw Buck leaning against the truck. "Buck!"

"Little man." He danced closer to run his fingers through blond curls as Chris wrapped an arm around one leg, head pressing against his stomach. "How was school?"

"Great," Chris said with a restlessly excited quiver. "This is more fun though!"

"Yeah?" Eddie eyes met Buck's. "You won't get up to too much trouble, alright?"

Buck's lips tugged into half a grin. "Is that a jab at me or at your kid?"

Eddie rolled his eyes and motioned towards where the other three were still watching them from the balcony above with expressions ranging from hope to amusement to frustration. "It's a guarantee that Bobby will make you wash trucks for a _month_ if you blow something up with Chris here and _I_ will find a way to make you regret every decision that led to the explosion."

Buck's eyebrows inched towards his hairline as Chris clattered away to climb the stairs. "Is that a threat or a promise?"

Eddie chuckled and shoved his shoulder lightly. "Both, you jerk."

Buck watched him chase after his kid before realising he'd neglected Carla. She was still standing by the entrance, a large grin across her face.

"Buckaroo!" she called as he hugged her in hello. "You and Eddie seem to be getting along well."

He stared at her, then glanced back at where Eddie had light fingers on Chris' back to help him up the stairs. "He's- We're just-"

Carla made a knowing "mhm" and a rumbly laugh filled her chest. "You look at him like you used to look at Abby."

"I-" He blinked rapidly, struggling to hold her gaze. "It's not like that, Carla."

She pursed her lips, eyes tracing over him and then up again to fix him to his spot on the floor. "Does he know that?"

Buck wasn't sure what she meant and she'd already left by the time his brain started to feel like her four word sentence hadn't completely scrambled every thought towards Eddie that he'd ever had.

* * *

In terms of calls, the final hours of the shift were blessedly quiet.

In terms of frivolity, fun and games… _Well_.

Chim and Hen had undoubtedly filmed Chris trying to teach Bobby how to floss and sent it to Maddie and Athena. Bobby, to his credit, tried his best while looking equally mortified and lost as he kept banging his fists into his thighs and wiggling his hips the wrong way. Buck wasn't sure if Bobby was doing it deliberately or he really was that uncoordinated but it hardly mattered because Chris thought it was hysterical. Every time Chris cracked up with laughter and started trying to explain again, Buck spied the grin on Eddie's face that crinkled all the way up to his eyes. Buck wasn't sure he'd seen him look so happy since… Well, he could barely even remember. Some of the horror of the shooting call seemed to have eased from his shoulders the more days that passed.

Chim unearthed a bag of marshmallows from the hot chocolate supplies. A very competitive game of chubby bunnies began with them all clustered around the kitchen table. Bobby refused to participate, but he did take photos. And those were probably sent to Maddie and Athena too. Chris started laughing too much while saying "Fwee chuvvy buvvies" and had to give up when one of the marshmallows leaked past his lips. Eddie fell out soon after at five, but Chim and Hen were battling Buck and doing a reasonably good job of it.

"Sevev chuvvy buvvies," Chim said, making Chris erupt into fresh giggles.

"I don't think that was clear enough," Eddie said, waving a hand in front of his throat like he was trying to cut it off. "Too many 'v's, not enough lips on those n's and b's, Chimney."

Chim looked positively outraged, his eyes bugging out almost as much as his cheeks. Hen dissolved into fits of laughter, six marshmallows escaping in a sloppy mess onto the table before she threw her head back and cackled loudly enough to wake the dead.

"Your _face_!" she squawked as she slapped the table and almost sobbed with glee. " _Please_ tell me you got that, Cap?"

Bobby held out his phone first to her and then to Chim, who choked on his own laugh and sent a marshmallow flying across the room past Buck's shoulder.

Stuck with half a dozen marshmallows in his mouth, desperately fighting the urge to swallow, choke or laugh, he pointed towards his cheeks.

"Fine. Yes. Attempt another one, say it better than Chim, and you win," Bobby said with a roll of his eyes as he positioned his phone to capture Buck's crowning moment.

It was terribly off-putting to have five pairs of eyes on him, plus Bobby's phone, as he decided to squish _two_ marshmallows past his lips just because he knew he could and to ensure he was absolutely an outright winner. He paused, inhaling slowly through his nose to adjust to how full his mouth was.

"Eigh… chu…mmy bummies," he said carefully, eyes roaming between the five of them for confirmation that he had done what he needed to do. Eddie was looking at him with wide, rapidly blinking eyes. The urge to ask why the hell Eddie was looking at him like that wasn't helping. Nor were his attempts to avoid laughing.

"Alright, close enough. Better than Chimney," Bobby conceded after a very long pause.

Chim attempted to mount a protest that he'd try again, that Buck hadn't enunciated the 't' clearly enough, but Buck was already poking his cheeks to get marshmallows under his teeth so that he could chew them. Bit by bit, he mashed and swallowed segments of marshmallow until his mouth was free again.

"So I'm victorious?" he said with hopeful eyebrows and pursed lips in Bobby's direction, much to Chim's chagrin and Hen's amusement and Christopher's laughs.

" _This_ time," Chim hissed, swiping the marshmallow bag and returning the meagre contents to the cupboard for another shift.

Eddie was still staring. Buck arched an eyebrow at him.

"That was…" Eddie shook his head, dispelling whatever had captured his attention and frowning at Buck. "Absolutely disgusting. And a terrible example for my son. You should _not_ be proud of that, Buckley."

"Oh?" He nudged Christopher beside him. "What d'you reckon, bud?"

"I think you looked ridiculous," Chris said, very seriously, and that sent Hen into a fresh wave of semi-hysterical laughter.

* * *

Buck stared at the entry to the store with a tinge of trepidation trickling down his spine. Even months later, even when things between him and Eddie were good, _great_ even, he still looked at grocery stores and felt uncomfortable remembering the way Eddie had approached him, eyes narrowed and teeth gritted with such a horrible, hopeless _fury_ pouring off him… Buck never wanted to see Eddie look at him like that again.

"I've got the kid, you've got the list?" he said, running his fingers through Christopher's curls at his hip even as the kid almost vibrated with the excitement of finding the closest piece of sugar, or chocolate, or cupcakes. And given it was Valentine's Day, there were a _lot_ of sweet treats right at the front of the store.

Eddie eyed Christopher dubiously. "I'll try not to take too long. Remember-"

"Say no. I know, Eddie. I heard you," he teased, shooing Eddie away from him so that the other man could get the groceries he desperately needed to stock his empty house as well as obtain food for dinner which was why he'd called in reinforcements by way of Buck to conduct the shopping expedition.

As soon as Eddie was out of sight, Buck looked down at Chris. Chris was gazing up at him with wide, hopeful eyes and a smile as bright as a sunbeam on the coldest of mornings.

"How am I meant to say no to _that_?" he groaned, rubbing a hand over his face while Chris giggled.

* * *

"I feel used," Buck complained as he unloaded another bag of groceries from Eddie's truck.

"It's punishment," Eddie called over his shoulder as he unlocked his front door and ushered Chris inside, out of the cold. Buck pretended his heart didn't do a little uptick at the words. "You should've said no."

"I don't like you anymore," he said, waving a hand laden with bags at Eddie. He knew Eddie was right. Eddie had _tried_ to tell him how good Chris was at getting what he wanted. And perhaps Buck should've said no to Chris but once those big eyes behind his glasses had turned on Buck? And once that dazzling, toothy smile was used? After all they'd been through?

Buck was a sucker for the kid, and he knew it. And Chris knew it. And if Eddie hadn't known it before, he definitely knew it now.

"I'm cancelling our friendship policy," he added as he ascended the stairs.

Eddie's eyes twinkled, fingers twirling around his house key. "You sound like you should be in elementary school with Chris. Should I make an enquiry for you to start on Monday?"

Buck scrunched his nose and pouted, deliberately bumping into Eddie's shoulder as he entered the house and followed the sound of Chris' clattering crutches. Eddie's laugh drifted through the hall from the front door.

"You're coming to school with me?" Chris said, eyes big behind his glasses.

"What? No, I-" He frowned, lifting the bags onto the counter and shook his head decisively at Chris. "Kid, I've already _been_ to school. I'm not going _back_."

"Oh." Chris' lower lip jutted, but his eyes suggested mischief. "I guess that's understandable. You'd probably break our chairs."

"Break your-? _Diaz_ , your kid just called me _fat_!"

Christopher broke into peals of giggles and Buck could hear Eddie's shuffling footsteps in the corridor, his barely-concealed snorts bouncing off the walls.

"I'm never going grocery shopping with either of you _ever_ again," he threatened, crossing his arms as Eddie turned the corner and lifted the groceries onto the counter. Buck tried very, _very_ hard not to focus on the way the fabric of Eddie's shirt pulled taut across his back and arms and instead looked to Chris like the kid had betrayed him in the worst possible ways.

"Aww, don't be like that." Eddie motioned towards Chris, who was covering his mouth but clearly still grinning behind his hands and did a little wiggle of unbridled joy. "No one can resist _that_."

It was true.

Buck didn't think he could resist either of them.

He also didn't think he could resist the way being around these two filled him with warmth and hope and happiness.

* * *

"So…" Eddie began once Christopher was tucked into bed, and the leftovers were stored in the fridge to take to their shift at the 118 tomorrow. He flopped onto the couch beside Buck, who had been idly flipping through stations in search of something to watch for a while and in the interests of procrastinating a return to his lonely apartment on Valentine's Day where he could dwell on his failed relationships with Abby and Ali and wonder who might be making them happy now.

"Hm?"

"You gonna tell me?"

He nearly dropped the remote at the tone Eddie used. "Tell- Tell you what?"

"About the tattoo?"

"Oh."

It had been all anyone at the 118 had talked about after they'd returned from the call at the laser tag place during the last shift. Chim kept pestering him, demanding to know if Maddie knew so he could satisfy his curiosity. Hen and Bobby were clearly intrigued, but kept a polite distance when Buck kept repeatedly shutting Chim's lines of inquiries down. And Eddie… Eddie had…seemed almost indifferent about it, somehow.

It hadn't even occurred to Buck that his arm would light up like a Christmas tree after he removed his jacket at the site. The blacklight made it harder to see what they were dealing with but Bobby had sent one of the kids that worked in the place to deal with it. And it was a simple enough call: a girl had run into a barrier in the minimal light and dislocated her shoulder after the laser tag vest had yanked around when she'd fallen. He'd worked beside Eddie and Hen but the ventilation in the place was poor and he'd felt overheated and constricted, so he'd removed his jacket without thinking. It was an easy enough way to deal with how he felt and then return to the task at hand of splinting the girl's shoulder for transport.

"Uh… Buck…? Why's your arm _glowing_ , man?"

For a moment, Buck had startled and been freaked out by the question. _What was wrong with him now? Was he radioactive? Was he feeling overheated because he was going to die?_

And then he'd turned his arm over to see the glowing words on the outside of his right forearm and realised what Chim had been asking about. The words were invisible in the daylight but they lived beneath his flesh, a constant reminder and mantra. Under the blacklight, they had erupted to life for the team to see.

"Just another tattoo," he'd mumbled, pulling on his jacket despite the speckles of sweat on his brow and concealing it before anyone looked too closely and read the words and started asking even _more_ questions than he already knew they'd have for him.

So perhaps it shouldn't surprise him that the first thing out of Eddie's mouth was to ask about the tattoo. Christopher was in bed, any interruptions were minimised. It was a safe place to share as they reclined on the couch.

"Like I said at the time, just another tattoo," he said, folding his arms over his stomach like somehow that would conceal a tattoo that wasn't even visible under the lights in Eddie's family room.

"Okay." The weight of Eddie's look sat on him for another minute, or it could've been another hour, before he turned his attention towards the TV. "I- I didn't mean to push and make you uncomfortable."

He pressed his lips together, the noise of the TV washing over them, the flicker of light and colour casting shadows across the room. It wasn't even that Eddie asking made him _uncomfortable_ , per se. It was more that the tattoo had been there so long, virtually invisible, and something he could almost forget existed. Suddenly having everyone's attention on him again, when he'd spent the last few months working to prove he was getting better, was unnerving. And this tattoo… Even Maddie didn't know about this one. He'd never told _anyone_ about this one.

"I got it on my twenty-first birthday," he said, his voice quiet but carrying over the reduced volume of the television so whatever was playing didn't disturb Christopher. "It was my first tattoo. A…a reminder, I guess. But it's been there so long, in a spot I can't see easily, with ink that's basically invisible, that I- I've almost forgotten it's there over the years."

He could tell Eddie was deliberately making his breathing shallower so that he didn't miss anything and it made Buck's skin crawl that Eddie was listening so closely. Because every time they were together, Buck became increasingly aware of the fragile _thing_ between them that made his heart skip beats and his breathing shorten and his hands flex with the urge to reach out and _touch_. And he could. Sort of. Sometimes. Whenever he worked out how to have a tight leash around his emotions and feelings so that he didn't unravel how he felt for his best friend and lose everything that really mattered. Michael and Carla seeing straight through recently him had been unnerving enough.

"If it was a reminder, why…why'd you get it in ink that you can't see?" Eddie said and Buck's eyes slipped from the television to some of the scatterings of Legos on the floor in front of it.

"Because I didn't need or want everyone asking questions about it for the rest of my life," he said, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth as he fought against the urge to _speak_ and the urge to _flee_ like he so often did around Eddie lately.

"Sorry, I-"

"No, it's-" Buck sighed, running a hand through his hair before holding out his right arm to Eddie. It twisted his shoulder, almost painfully, but Eddie's fingers circled his wrist and his thumb traced over where the smear of words were even though he couldn't see them like someone handling valuable crystal. There was almost a sense of reverence in the touch and Buck shivered at how light Eddie's thumb was against his skin, how much just a simple touch could make the spark in his stomach catch into a full flame that threatened to make him shiver. "It's just…complicated."

"Yeah?" Eddie trailed his fingers down Buck's arms until their hands were intertwined, turning his shoulder back into a neutral and more comfortable position. Buck spent a _long_ few minutes trying to ensure his hand stayed steady and his palm didn't start sweating and his heartbeat stayed regular. "You can tell me anything, you know."

A brief burst of laughter escaped him. He rolled his eyes, shooting Eddie a glare even as Eddie's cheeks dimpled around a smile and his eyes glittered in the light of the television.

"That's _my_ line," he protested and Eddie's smile widened, one eyebrow arching in a silent challenge. A challenge of what, Buck wasn't sure. It was hard to think straight when Eddie was looking at him like that. It was hard to even remember how to _breathe_ when Eddie was looking at him like that. The overarching thought he had when Eddie looked at him like that was to lean forward and _kiss_ , and he knew that would be a _disaster_.

But then Eddie's grin slipped a little, something gentler and more serious shifting across his face. Buck panicked, wondering if he'd broadcast his feelings too openly and Eddie was closing himself off.

"I mean it though," Eddie said, his words mixed in with an emotion Buck couldn't decipher as he gently squeezed Buck's hand. "I can handle complicated."

And Buck…really wasn't sure he remembered what words were or how to use them.

He tore his gaze from Eddie's and fixed it on the television, completely ignorant to what was on. If a police officer had asked him for an alibi beyond "I was on the couch watching TV with Eddie Diaz last night, officer", he wouldn't have been able to state with any degree of certainty whether they were watching a scripted or reality show. He was completely oblivious as his heart thumped uncomfortably hard and slightly painful in his chest, mulling over the words and the ramifications and whether he should say something, whether Eddie was offering him the chance to confess how he felt.

It sank into his awareness at some point that Eddie's thumb was rubbing against his from time to time, which meant the butterflies that kept settling in Buck's stomach were being disrupted into soaring to swirl around his heart. At the back of his mind, he was acutely aware that it was Valentine's Day but this was… He and Eddie were just…

This was _not_ …

_Right_?

He didn't have the words for whatever they were doing.

And he didn't want to ask for clarification and torpedo the best thing in his life.

"It says 'fight forever'," he said suddenly, unbidden. The words filled the silence and he recoiled slightly into himself because he wanted to get up and put distance between them but Eddie was practically holding him in place with their hands folded together. "I- It finishes with a- a semi-colon."

He wasn't sure if Eddie would understand the reference but he heard Eddie's sharp intake of breath and closed his eyes when he felt the prickle of tears because it was clear that yes, Eddie _did_ understand. And maybe Buck should have guessed Eddie would know it. He was a veteran, after all. He probably knew people, or certainly would've known people who knew people. He knew the statistic about veterans' deaths. He would know.

So perhaps he wasn't surprised when Eddie's grip tightened, like he expected – or knew – Buck would try to bolt. He felt the couch shift and couldn't disguise the flinch when a second hand cradled his cheek, tilting his head to where Eddie had to be staring at him.

"I'm…sorry," Eddie said, the words clearly strangled in his throat and unexpected.

Buck hadn't even made a conscious decision to open his eyes but then he was looking at Eddie again, eyes drifting between a face cast in an array of shadows and light and colour dancing off the television.

He blinked, confusion thrumming within his chest. "What?"

Eddie frowned, eyes dropping towards Buck's chest and moving back and forth before they lifted again. "I was- After the clot- And the tsunami-"

"Eddie, no, don't-"

"Let me say this," Eddie insisted, thumb brushing over his cheek and filling Buck's face with undeniable heat. He wondered if Eddie could feel it beneath his palm. It would be terribly embarrassing if he could. At least the lights were dim enough that maybe Eddie wouldn't realise he was red. "I was awful. I was… I told you to suck it up. To move on and get over it. And I- I let that voice get inside my head, the one from when I served, that…that refused to pay attention to how I was feeling after Shannon died, or how you might be feeling after everything and-"

"Eddie-"

"I'm _sorry_ ," Eddie said, adjusting the angle of his head to stare at him, _through_ him, into the parts that Buck tried valiantly to hide from everyone, including Maddie. That Eddie could pierce him with such a knowing look, and simultaneously look so devastatingly apologetic, scared the absolute _shit_ out of Buck. "It- It's not good enough to say 'if I'd known' because that's just an excuse but Buck-"

"I know, okay?" He squeezed Eddie's hand and wished he could short-circuit all the anxiety that was clearly buzzing through Eddie just to stop this whole thing. "I don't hold it against you."

"But-"

" _Eddie_." He placed his hand against Eddie's chest in an attempt to quell the panic, only realising how thoroughly tangled their arms were becoming a heartbeat too late when he felt Eddie's heart against his palm. "Stop. Okay? I didn't tell you so that you could freak out on me. You can't honestly make this into a thing about _you_."

Some of the wide-eyed fear in Eddie's eyes lessened and he tried to remember how to breathe when he could feel the stutter of Eddie's heart.

"I got it a long time ago, remember? Buck as a teenager was messy. Buck as an early twenty-something with no clear direction and no older sister to smack me over the back of the head from time to time was messier."

A wobbly sort of smile twitched his lips because he didn't want to talk about any of this. It was why he hadn't wanted to say anything to anyone at the 118 about what the tattoo said.

"I didn't want anyone seeing it then, and I didn't want anyone knowing it existed, so I got it in ink that you can't ordinarily see. And if Maddie knew-"

He hesitated, swallowing the ball of emotions that knotted in his throat because the thought of Maddie ever finding out just how dark he'd once felt scared the absolute hell out of him.

"I don't want to see the scared look in Maddie's eyes that you're giving me right now, okay? Because it marked a transition point in my life and I've had others since then that have led me to who I am now, to this moment right here. And I'm okay with who I am."

He offered a small smile, trying to seem reassuring because Eddie still looked petrified. "So just- Everything that happened last year- It's a part of me, everything that's ever happened have all created parts of me that aren't going away and some of them aren't as nice as others."

Eddie's eyes flickered like he wanted to ask another question but Buck couldn't let him. He couldn't expose the scars that were seared so deeply he just covered them over.

"Look, Eddie, it's a reminder to keep fighting, y'know? Like Chris said when we were sitting on the truck, I have to be like Dory and keep swimming."

There was a small, cracked sort of laugh that escaped Eddie before he could stop it and Buck rubbed his hand lightly against Eddie's chest. He didn't want to talk about how bodies of water were still a problem, or how some nights were still harder than others, or that he felt twinges in his leg that were phantom pains from months ago. He didn't want to mention how he twitched when someone raised their voice. Not now. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.

"So keep fighting?" Eddie said, the edge of his lips pressing together in rueful resignation that Buck had said as much as he was planning to and that was that.

He nodded, squeezing Eddie's hand and then curling his head to rest on Eddie's shoulder to stare at something on TV he thought might've been a movie. "Fight forever, Eddie."

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we get Chris at the firehouse again? Please? 
> 
> Also spending the night together on Valentine's Day and still questioning what it all means?? _Honestly._
> 
> Thoughts about this chapter? Predictions (hopes?) for the next. Drop me a comment or come and talk to me on [tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/). (I'm not the greatest at queing up posts over there at the moment but I'm still ~there.)


	16. Chapter 16

**Word Count:** 6,257  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

"What's all this?" said Bobby in confused amazement as Buck unloaded various containers from a bag.

"Leftovers from dinner last night. We made too much," he admitted, flashing a grin at Eddie who rolled his eyes and shook his head. They'd debated making less but after Christopher had gotten involved in the question about what to make and said "everything" with his cheesy, hopeful grin, there'd ended up being a lot of food made with plenty eaten and plenty leftover. After numerous complaints of being overstuffed, they'd teamed up to make many, _many_ containers of leftover food until Eddie's fridge couldn't take anymore and it had been clear they needed to offload some of the food to the 118. Eddie took several of the containers from the top of the stack Buck had made to start fitting them onto stocked shelves in the fridge.

"'We'? So now you're house-husbands as well as work-husbands and just casually hanging out on Valentine's Day?" Chimney said, peering at the containers with undisguised curiosity. Buck's cooking hadn't exactly been the best of the house when he'd arrived but all the time he'd spent cooking with Eddie the past few months seemed to be helping him burn less things.

"Aww, you almost sound jealous, Chim," Buck teased, slapping Chimney's hand away and tugging the containers closer to him to keep prying fingers from stealing bites.

"Jealous? Hell yeah. You think maybe I can convince Maddie to work dispatch from here?"

"It's a centralised system for a reason," Hen pointed out from the table, sipping her coffee while reading the newspaper.

"Yeah but I could find a way to make it work. Like what if-"

Buck tuned Chimney's inane thoughts out and handed another container towards Eddie without really looking, then turned his attention to folding the bags into a bundle to shove in his car later.

Except Eddie apparently wasn't paying much attention and failed to grasp the container from Buck's hand. It exploded in a scatter of food around their feet, startling everyone and making Buck leap into the air with a hand on his chest as he looked at Eddie.

Eddie, whose wide eyes looked spooked as he surveyed the damage. Eddie, whose wide eyes were slightly unfocused at the edges like Buck had seen after the call where the family were murdered by the would-be burglar.

"I'll get a broom," Hen said, drawing Buck's frown towards her as he started trying to work out what to say to Eddie. Before he could say anything though, the older man had left the kitchen area, skipping down the stairs two at a time before Buck could even react and ask where he was going.

"Typical. He makes the mess and then leaves others to clean it up," Chimney muttered as he pitched in to continue filling the fridge with the remaining containers.

"No, that's not-"

"I'll talk to him," Bobby said, nodding at Buck with an expression he didn't understand, like Buck was meant to grasp some deeper meaning that went flying over his head.

And then Bobby was jogging down the stairs after Eddie and Buck was left with a deep frown and no answers.

Hen had barely swept the food into a pile and Chimney had barely gotten it into the trash when the alarms rang and they all scurried to their assigned trucks. Even if Buck had wanted to ask Bobby what the look was about or nudge Eddie to find out why he was so quiet, he couldn't have because the rundown from dispatch made it sound like they were approaching the sort of call they all dreaded: a fire alarm had gone off in a multi-storey building downtown, with vague reports of smoke, and they needed to help evacuate the workers.

Chim's crackled groan over the microphone was an echo of the groan in Buck's soul. It was going to be a long shift.

* * *

Buck was ready to excise his muscles and bones by the time he was done with the shift he had started to affectionately think of as 'Armageddon'. He'd lost count of the number of times he'd gone up and down the stairs with equipment, or how many people he'd guided from various burning floors once the smoke had turned out to be actual flames, or how many victims he'd found on the twenty-fourth floor that he'd had to triage and help carry – at least as far as the stairwell – before handing off to other crews. He was utterly exhausted and the brief nap he'd managed at the house after the call hadn't even made a dent in his fatigue, which was obvious when it had taken several attempts to get his key in the ignition. He'd almost wondered if he should be driving but his apartment was only fifteen minutes away. And once he was home, he'd managed to make enough of an effort to remove his shoes and then he'd slumped onto the couch because the thought of climbing even _more_ stairs to his bed was horrifying.

He awoke with a jolt like he'd been electrocuted, limbs flailing in fright before he realised he was on the couch and precariously balanced too close to the edge. He grew still, silently assessing the aching muscles before he stretched his arms and rolled his neck with a moan. Everything had painfully stiffened during his time on the couch he'd once thought of as comfortable but now that he was awake, he really should move to the bed. He glanced at his watch and calculated he'd been out for a few hours but his eyes still hurt and his-

There was another knock at the door and he frowned, slowly sitting up and kneading his fingers into his thighs to loosen and limber them. He supposed there must have been another knock earlier which had woken him because he couldn't recall any sort of nightmare. It meant whoever was waiting might have been trying to rouse him for a while. He rotated his ankles, the joints popping beneath his skin, before he stood. _Everything_ ached – he'd swear even the nails on his toes hurt – and he could hear the swish of his dragging feet across the floor. He stifled a yawn behind his hand as he grasped at the door handle with the other.

" _Eddie_?"

Eddie's dimmed eyes and slumped shoulders reflected his exhaustion but his twisting hands and shuffling feet were obvious signs of discomfort and fretting that put Buck on edge. It was barely a month ago that Eddie had looked like this, resisting the urge to fight by showing up on Buck's doorstep. If the urge to fight continued to be so strong, Buck really needed to figure out a more permanent recommendation than cuddling on his couch.

"Hi- I- Um- Can I-?"

Buck stood aside and Eddie entered his apartment, but he paced back and forth like a restless animal and Buck closed the door slowly, trying to determine the best course of action. Eddie had seemed reasonably okay during the shift but the call had been massive, an all-hands-on-desk situation once the flames had started spreading, and he had to admit he'd done a poor job of checking whether his partner was functioning at optimum performance after the vanishing act at the start of the shift.

"Do you want a drink?" he said, because that seemed as good a place as any to break the ice.

"No, I-" Eddie shook his head, scratching at his hair, moving all over the place but with no discernible rhythm. For someone that liked control, it was unnerving for Buck to witness.

"Do you need to scream and rage and throw things?"

Eddie's eyebrows wriggled into an uneven frown before he stopped, visibly hesitating as his eyes flicked between Buck and away again.

"What?" said Buck, eyebrows rising in expectation as Eddie kept looking at him intermittently.

"Weren't you… _bothered_ by being called work or house-husbands?" Eddie burst out and Buck could only blink rapidly for several seconds.

"No?"

Eddie's expression morphed into something even more confused. " _Why_?"

Buck's raised eyebrows gradually lowered back to something neutral, knowing he was missing something critical to the entire conversation. Maybe it was because he was so utterly exhausted that his thinking was more sluggish than usual. Maybe it was because Michael and Carla had pointed out his feelings and, though it terrified him, he'd accepted his role in Eddie's life and the lack of opportunity to progress further. "It's just…not something I really thought much about?" he said with a shrug.

"But you…you let Chim tease you like that and you- you _responded_ and it- You're not even _gay_ and I-"

"Whoa, why does anyone have to be _gay_?" Buck said, growing more and more confused.

"Because it- I mean- Usually you call a guy gay and he gets all pissed off about it," Eddie said, still looking wide-eyed and panicked. And Buck…sort of felt like he was looking through a broken piece of glass at _something_ which he couldn't quite put his finger on because Eddie freaking out about this was…weird. So he played dumb because that usually gave him some sort of answer.

"Then I guess it's lucky for us I'm very secure in my sexuality?"

Eddie rolled his eyes, a small huff escaping his lips as he pivoted in the direction of the door. "Right. Great. Okay. Wonderful," he muttered under his breath as Buck grabbed at Eddie's arm, tugging him into stopping. If he ensured his grip was secure enough around Eddie's wrist so the other man couldn't just pull away and flee, then… Well…

"What the hell is galloping through that worry-wart head of yours, Eddie?" he said, gentling his tone when he realised Eddie seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilating and that… Honestly, that was usually Buck's thing when he woke up at night. It freaked him out more than he was willing to admit. "Come on. Talk to me?"

"I was- I'm-" Eddie couldn't meet his eyes as Buck inched closer, rubbing his thumb in slow circles against the racing pulse he could feel in Eddie's wrist. "I was Shannon's husband," he eventually said, and Buck tried not to frown too deeply because yes? He knew that already? Everyone in the 118 knew that already? "But I- We- I didn't know what that _meant_ for her, or us. We married because she fell pregnant with Christopher. But then I was deployed and I- We weren't the same afterwards and-"

Buck grasped at Eddie's other shaking wrist, wondering what tricks he had to try to get Eddie to breathe slowly and calmly rather than the unsteady puffs that were passing his lips. If Eddie was made of nuts and bolts and metal, Buck could clearly envisage him rattling apart into pieces. "Okay…?"

"But then- Chim- And- We- I- I don't- I don't understand what-"

"Okay, okay." Buck tentatively pulled Eddie towards the couch, forcing him to sit and then wrapping an arm around his trembling shoulders. "So what Chimney said made you think about Shannon?" he prompted, searching for some sort of clarity, while Eddie's spine remained as straight and rigid as a steel beam.

"Y-Yeah, but I- I realised- What we do is- Is that- Should I have been like that with _her_?" Eddie said, in a small and lost sort of voice.

Buck could only blink and then he started lightly rubbing his fingertips into Eddie's shoulder. "I really don't know, man. I've never been married."

"No, it- I know _that_ but- I mean-" Eddie propped his elbows on his knees and threaded his fingers through his hair, heaving a shuddering breath as he stared at the floor. "I never- We were never able to…to just… _be_ there for each other. You and I- We- I never cooked with her like we do, and we'd sleep together but it-"

"I really don't need to hear about your sex life," Buck interrupted and Eddie huffed something that almost sounded like a laugh.

"I just mean- She and I- It was- It was _different_ and- What Chimney said- It- I- It…twisted me up."

Buck rubbed his hand between Eddie's shoulder blades, searching for ways to get Eddie to calm down and breathe evenly although he felt like he was starting to make more sense of this situation. It hadn't even been a year since Shannon died, after all, so Buck couldn't deny that Eddie's wounds could still be fresh and raw. "If him teasing us like that made you uncomfortable, I'll tell him to stop, Eddie."

"But…why doesn't it make _you_ uncomfortable?" Eddie asked, so quietly that Buck might've missed it if he hadn't been trying to catch every nuance in Eddie's behaviour, if he hadn't been trying to catalogue every word to ascertain what the bigger implications of the conversation were.

Buck shrugged. "Because teasing me is what Chim and Hen have done since I arrived at the house. He's also dating my sister, so I see him outside of the station regularly and I've gotten used to him making sly comments about my relationship status or lack of one. I also don't see being called someone's husband, or the implication that I'm gay, as a problem. I- What is it you want me to say here, Eddie?"

"I don't…know," Eddie mumbled, shaking his head and tugging at the ends of his hair.

"Look, if it freaks you out, if it reminds you of Shannon too much, then I'll tell him to stop. There are limits to any joke and I hate seeing you this upset over something he probably didn't even think through before he said it." Buck hesitated, biting his lip as he surveyed Eddie's defeated form. "Are _you_ …you know…angry or upset because someone implied _you_ were gay?"

"No," Eddie said, barely more than a whisper, while Buck kept slowly rubbing circles between his shoulder blades and made a mental note that some of the shallow breathing seemed to have abated. "I- I'm not homophobic, Buck."

"I wasn't saying you were. Just…" Buck sighed, eyes flicking to the ceiling as he tried to compose his thoughts without revealing the soft, vulnerable parts of his heart for Eddie to stab. "Like you said before, sometimes people get angry about it. I guess it doesn't bother me because it's a stupid issue for me to get angry about."

Eddie tilted his head slightly towards Buck. "What do you mean?"

Buck wavered for a moment, debating how much he should or shouldn't say. _To hell with keeping this part of his life a secret_. "I probably told Maddie before I was even a teenager that I thought her boyfriend was cute, but I almost certainly had a crush on one of her female friends too," he explained, able to still see the faint fuzzy outline of the guy Maddie had dated when she was around fifteen or sixteen if he thought about it long enough. To Buck's child mind, the guy had been tall and strong and made her smile a lot and that made him more acceptable than Doug, who had given him a bad vibe from the beginning. "Our parents were hardly supportive or receptive to any sort of official 'coming out' confession but she knew. She's always known."

Eddie stared at him like an additional thirty-four heads had just erupted from his shoulders. "You're not…straight?"

"If you're asking me if I only exclusively date or hook up with girls, then that would be a no," he said carefully, slowly, faintly afraid that Eddie was about to have a heart attack with how pale his cheeks were. "I don't advertise it around the house because I can only imagine how Chimney and Hen would start pestering me about being single."

Eddie's expression was unfathomable, although there were rapidly circulating thoughts clearly swirling in his eyes. "So you're…?"

"Into everyone and anyone," Buck shrugged, and then he became aware of how his hand was still rubbing Eddie's back. Was it awkward if he stopped now? Was it making Eddie uncomfortable? What if their friendship changed because he'd revealed that part of himself to Eddie? Or what if Eddie stopped coming over? Or no longer wanted to be held after awful days? Buck knew his feelings for Eddie were a complicated _mess_ that he didn't know how to untangle but if he lost Eddie's friendship over _this_ , he wasn't sure if he'd ever truly forgive himself.

"Oh." Eddie's eyes scanned his and Buck held the look, letting this particular vulnerability be seen and scanned and either accepted or rejected while Eddie made his assessment. "I…didn't know."

"Well, now you do. Just…please don't tell the others? I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't need the teasing."

"Yeah, that's…yeah," Eddie mumbled, breaking the eye contact to return his stare to the floor.

Buck decided his hand was a heavy, dead weight on Eddie's back and he'd somehow outworn his welcome in his own apartment. He pulled away, moving his sore limbs towards his kitchen under the guise of sorting out food, or something to keep his hands busy, or something to give Eddie space to process.

He glanced up from his fussing over vegetables from time to time to check where Eddie was, but the man remained on the couch with his head in hands and Buck felt lost. Eddie wasn't usually the one who talked the most between the pair of hem, especially when Christopher wasn't around and even _more_ especially when it came to discussing feelings, but there was something about Eddie which seemed fractured and Buck couldn't tell what it was. He didn't know if he was meant to start cursing Chimney for the initial teasing or himself because of his reaction to the teasing. He wasn't sure what had triggered Eddie more, but it seemed obvious now why he'd frozen while they moved meals around and then fled. And Buck… He should've known how deeply Eddie's wounds ran about Shannon. He should've known that Eddie was still raw about the loss of his wife. Or did he view her as an ex-wife? Buck wasn't sure how Eddie viewed his previous relationship because Eddie rarely talked about it, _or_ Shannon. He could almost believe he knew more about Shannon from Christopher, but even then that image was blotchy because the details were scant with Christopher's underdeveloped memo-

"Why do you always do that?"

Buck startled, barely holding onto the fork in his hand at the sudden proximity of Eddie being a whole lot closer to his kitchen area than he had been the last time Buck had looked at him. It probably hadn't helped he'd moved as silent as a ninja, either.

"Do what?" he said, placing the fork on the counter and turning to face Eddie.

Eddie stared at him with an intensity that made Buck want to look away or pull a blanket over his face. "Hide from your feelings."

He frowned. "I don-"

"You do. You hid the pain in your leg which nearly killed you with the clot. You still ignore your issues with water. You hide from being out with your colleagues because you're, what, not wanting to get teased?" Eddie shook his head, his brows furrowed. "Every time I think I start to understand you, I realise I'm not sure I know you at all."

Buck felt like his blood turned to ice. "If you think I've been lying-"

"No, I don't mean-" Eddie huffed, rubbing a hand over his face and smoothing away some of the frown. "I'm not- I don't care that you feel attracted to anyone, Buck. That's… That's not what I meant."

Buck remained unconvinced and was desperately trying not to cross his arms and start getting defensive. He knew from experience that if he got defensive, Eddie would probably turn into a firecracker and explode. Which would be incredibly problematic given everything beneath them already felt like it was built on eggshells and landmines.

"I- I meant that you open up and you talk about so many things sometimes, and you're so great with Christopher that I think I understand you, that I see the pure joy and contentment in your face you so rarely show any other time." Eddie paused, then took half a step towards him. "And then other times, it's like I have no idea who you are. You won't talk about your parents, you won't talk about what you're afraid of, or what you look forward to, or what you want to achieve, or who you like – your relationships with Abby and Ali notwithstanding."

Buck was starting to feel like Eddie was pinning him under a microscope again and he tried to avoid the restless shifting his feet wanted to do, like stepping backwards every time Eddie moved a step closer to him. What would Eddie say if he was hiding his feelings _and_ fleeing?

"So that's why I asked about why you hide how you feel, because it feels like I don't know you."

Buck watched as Eddie inched closer and closer, and perhaps it was only the harsh dig of the kitchen counter against his back that kept his thoughts from unravelling completely. "Because there's safety in hiding your feelings," he said quietly, wanting to look at anything other than Eddie's intense stare but finding it impossible. It felt like a spell had been cast.

"Why?"

"Because…" He sighed and shrugged and waved his hand around aimlessly. "Because I've ruined friendships with people who are uncomfortable that I might end up liking _them_ even though that's not how it works. Because my parents were a mess of a situation and Maddie and I have spent a lot of time piecing ourselves back together without their influence. Because dreams can be broken and it's easier to feel your own disappointment that you didn't live up to expectations than face the disappointment of failing everyone else's expectations. Because I'm a firefighter and I can't afford to be afraid when sometimes there are only seconds between life and death in our calls. What do you _want_ from me, Eddie?" he said, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.

"You're allowed to feel it though," Eddie murmured but Buck shook his head and looked at his toes to collect his thoughts, because he couldn't afford to feel afraid, or uncertain, or fear – because they could all lead to death – and he couldn't allow himself to feel too much happiness or satisfaction because that could all be taken away in a matter of heartbeats and rapidly moving water.

He could see Eddie from the corner of his eye still moving towards him. It was starting to make him feel like his brain was all twisted up. In a matter of half an hour, Eddie had found control over his emotions and managed to expose Buck's deepest insecurities. His heart stuttered in his chest when Eddie's index finger pressed beneath his chin to raise his head, unwilling to meet Eddie's eyes because surely his inner turmoil was displayed all over his face.

"You're allowed to have feelings with me, Evan," Eddie said, and Buck couldn't help but look at him, at the intensity in his eyes that made it clear Eddie didn't expect an argument.

Mounting an argument was a faraway thought, however, because Buck was fairly sure his lungs had forgotten how to expand and contract. He hesitated, feeling Eddie's finger curl against his jaw like he was trying to coax an answer from him.

"What about feelings _for_ you?" he whispered and he could see when Eddie processed the adjustment in his words, and the range of thoughts that flashed across Eddie's face like a roulette wheel, but he didn't seem…surprised or shocked or horrified.

For a moment, Buck was conscious only of the sharp inhale that whistled faintly up his nose when Eddie kissed him, and then he noted how it felt like he'd been punched in the stomach with air, and then he realised he felt faintly dizzy but whether that was because of the kiss or because his lungs had stopped working, he couldn't tell.

And then somewhere amid all the internal flailing about, it started to filter in that _Eddie was kissing him_.

And then it became clear that his brain had stopped working for several moments.

Eddie's finger remained light against his skin to keep his head up, the kiss little more than a tentative brush of lips, and Buck had no idea what to expect, or what Eddie wanted, so for a moment he was frozen because he'd imagined this so many times and just kept crushing it so far down until it no longer hurt.

And then Eddie's finger shifted, replaced more completely by his hand cradling Buck's jaw, and the pressure against Buck's mouth increased and his brain stuttered to life again and he reacted. He was terrified of sending Eddie skittering away from him, terrified that Eddie was kissing him to confirm or deny something that would dissolve their friendship but…he couldn't stop himself when his hands pressed somewhere against Eddie's chest and waist to pull him closer, and Buck could feel the small trembles in Eddie's tense posture as they kissed in a way that was incredibly chaste and yet incredible charged and made his heart feel like it was leaping for the moon.

It was Eddie who pulled away, fingers tumbling from Buck's skin. Buck calculated they'd probably only pressed lips together for a handful of seconds and he was ready for Eddie to pull away, to express his disgust or his dismay, so when he finally cracked his eyes open to check how Eddie looked and whether he was panicking and looking for a way out, he was…pleasantly pleased to see that Eddie looked as utterly dazed as when they survived narrow escapes on dangerous calls.

"Should I- I don't know if I should have done that," Eddie admitted, eyes drifting between Buck's as he searched for something in his expression before his gaze slipped to his mouth with some sort of wide-eyed wonder.

"Why not?" Buck dragged his thumb against the cotton-covered groove of Eddie's waist, feeling the way the muscles tensed in a whole new light. "You're allowed to have feelings too."

"But I- I don't even know what those feelings _are_ ," Eddie said as his gaze fell somewhere towards Buck's chest, and Buck realised the amount of nerves and insecurities Eddie was allowing him to see. It was rare for Eddie to allow himself to be vulnerable, perhaps because he was always trying to be okay for Christopher, and it was then that Buck realised he already knew how _he_ felt, he'd reconciled with that – and shoved it all down – months ago despite Michael and Carla's observations. Buck knew his sexuality and he'd made peace with it a long time ago, but…maybe Eddie didn't know all those answers yet. Maybe Eddie was still figuring himself out. And Buck couldn't decide if it gave him a whole lot of hope or a whole lot of fear because Eddie had the power now to break his heart worse than Abby and Ali combined, multiplied by a thousand.

And then it dawned on him that maybe Eddie hadn't been freaked out by being called Buck's husband because it was related to Shannon. Maybe he'd been freaked out for reasons that weren't related to Shannon at all.

"Start with the most obvious. Are they good feelings or bad feelings?" he said, fidgeting fingers tugging some of the creases from Eddie's shirt.

Eddie paused, lips working around thoughts he couldn't form into audible words for at least a minute. "I- I've never kissed a guy before," he eventually answered.

Buck nodded, because he wasn't sure he was surprised. He wouldn't have said Eddie was _repressed_ but he did think Eddie had been staunchly straight for a long time. It was a huge part of why Buck had never said anything. "It's different to kissing girls, isn't it?"

"Yeah…" Eddie glanced up at him, something shy in his eyes. "That's not a bad thing though."

Now it was Buck's turn to struggle to form a coherent sentence. "Oh?" Well. That was lame. And awful. And was a clear demonstration of how Eddie could make his brain short-circuit. "You figured that out from one kiss?"

One side of Eddie's mouth pulled up in a wry smile. "When you've wondered about something for so long…"

"You- You've thought about-?"

Eddie leaned in to kiss him again and the hesitation was gone this time, confident hands under Buck's jaw and against his neck. Buck forgot what it was to think as his fingers curled against Eddie's shirt, pulling him closer until he felt the strength of Eddie's hips pinning him against the kitchen counter. It wasn't nearly so uncomfortable to lean against it when he had Eddie's mouth to distract him. One of Eddie's thumbs brushed against a sensitive spot on his neck, near that spot that had nearly made Buck dissolve when he'd heard Eddie still trusted him with Chris, and he shuddered around a small hitched breath. Eddie used it to lick at his bottom lip, losing any traces of nerves, and Buck fucking _whimpered_ Eddie's name like he was a teenage boy having his first kiss all over again which was…really fucking mortifying, honestly.

"I like you," Eddie breathed against his lips in between soft kisses. When Buck managed to get his eyes open a fraction, he could see Eddie's eyes were still closed, like he was confessing all his secrets and afraid to see Buck's reaction. "I realised it months ago when you had the clot and I was- I was so _scared_ of losing you, of being left alone again, and of Christopher losing you too."

Buck skimmed his lips against Eddie's and felt the other man's grip against his face falter. He tried not to smile. Working out what fried Eddie's brain could be fun.

"Trusting you with Christopher, seeing how you take care of him and keep him safe, made it even clearer. And then the tsunami happened and I realised how close I'd come to losing _both_ of you when I hadn't even realised either of you had ever been in danger and I-" Eddie exhaled, the warmth of his breath tickling across Buck's skin as he continued to watch Eddie's creased brow as he worked through all his thoughts and feelings that had been simmering beneath the surface for _months_. "I didn't know how to cope with everything I was feeling because I'd been married to Shannon, and she hadn't even been gone that long. I- I've never really let myself think about a guy like this, not…not _this_ seriously, and I'm an army vet. We- We don't share our feelings much, and I didn't think you'd feel the same and I just… I hated myself for feeling like that, like I was betraying Shannon and it was going to horrify you if you found out so I- I kept pushing it all down."

And it was so heartbreakingly similar to Buck's thought spirals during the past few months that he could've hit himself, or Eddie. Hopefully they were never that stupid again.

His hand wrapped around Eddie's arm, holding on tight enough that even another tsunami couldn't have ripped him away from this conversation taking place. What Eddie had said… It reminded him of other conversations, other times, other confessions. "Is that…why you started fighting?"

"It…was probably part of it, yeah," Eddie conceded, his eyes gradually opening and they were huge and clearly confused and a little lost as he looked at Buck. "It wasn't entirely about _you_. It was so many things, but I just had so much anger at myself, and Shannon, and the world, and it was… Getting beat up and feeling the pain of all the bruises was a good distraction from all of that."

Buck could understand the self-punishment thing that Eddie was describing. He'd had his own battles as a teenager, accepting who he was in a household that rejected him. He'd felt the self-loathing flare again after he'd realised what Maddie was going through, and he'd felt sick with it after Maddie had been kidnapped. He understood how searching for the pain was better than facing your feelings. He hadn't run miles every time he woke up from a nightmare for nothing. Especially when he still had the phone number of a therapist that Bobby had recommended

He kissed Eddie, soft and brief and fleeting, just because he could. Just because he wanted the reassurance and wanted to try to provide it. He realised that if this was going to turn into something important, if they were actually going to…to try to make this work between them, it was going to be really damn hard to keep his hands to himself at the house, or to not stare at Eddie too much thinking about how his lips tasted.

"And you wonder why _I_ hide my feelings when _you've_ been feeling all this," he teased and Eddie laughed, the tension in his shoulders melting away as he shot Buck an accusatory look.

"Maybe _I_ wouldn't have felt all this if you didn't hide how _you_ felt."

Buck hummed, tracing an abstract shape on Eddie's arm with his fingertip. "It's different for me though. You've never kissed a guy before and you're trying to come to terms with thinking about that, whereas I'm watching you with your wife and kid and figuring there's no chance for me because you're all straight and married."

Eddie's eyes fell from his, lips twisting with something like bitterness. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry, it's just…" Buck shrugged. "It's different, that's all. I didn't want to be jealous and I wasn't going to wreck your marriage once I realised that I felt something, but it wasn't like I could just come right out and say something. I wanted you to be happy, with Shannon or anyone else you might've ended up with, and I- I decided I'd be there for Christopher. I didn't want him to get hurt because of me, and he was so excited to have Shannon back so I knew I had to cover up how I felt because it was _you_ who had everything to lose."

Eddie almost looked distraught. "Evan, you really need to stop making everything about you."

"Probably," Buck mused with a cynical sort of smile, because he'd attempted to make peace with all his feelings a long time ago. "Anyway. That's all in the past. What's more important to me now is finding out how you feel about kissing a guy or if your curiosity has been satisfied but you don't-"

He didn't even get to finish his sentence as Eddie kissed him again but it gave him an answer to the question. Eddie's hands slipped to his legs, lifting him onto the counter with ease and then pressing between his parted legs to clasp at his waist. Buck's hands started roaming, passing over Eddie's shoulders, neck, jaw, the back of his head. He felt like a teenager again because he would definitely classify this as 'making out', especially when Eddie's confidence in kissing started to make Buck forget his own name and Buck began scraping nails against Eddie's hair. By the time they stopped, Buck thought his blood was heated to the point of lava and he was completely breathless. Eddie was shuddering shaky exhales against his neck, head resting against Buck's shoulder and one hand pressed into Buck's skin.

"I- I don't know what to…um…do," Eddie said as Buck trailed his fingers down the back of Eddie's head to rub at knob of his spine.

"Do?"

"You know." Eddie made a crude gesture with his hand that made Buck snort. "Shut up! I've never been with another guy."

"So you said." Buck kissed Eddie's forehead to smooth away the divot between his eyebrows. "But if it's all the same to you, I'm okay with taking this slow."

Eddie peered up at him, the hesitancy and uncertainty clear. "Yeah?"

Buck rolled his eyes. "I don't need you freaking out on me again and deciding you need to go back to some fight club to get your sexual frustrations out of your system."

Eddie snorted. "I won't," he promised and Buck wrapped him into a hug which Eddie sank into, holding him like they had done so many times before. It was different this time, probably because he kept fighting the urge to tilt his head and nuzzle soft kisses against Eddie's neck. "Thank you."

Buck nosed at the spikes of budding hair on Eddie's jaw as he drew his fingers across the back of Eddie's shoulders. "What for?"

"Giving me the time to work myself out."

Buck smiled, finding Eddie's lips for a quick kiss which all but confirmed it was going to be impossible not to keep touching him at the firehouse. "You can take all the time that you need."

And if they spent the rest of the day lazily making out on the couch until Eddie had to leave to pick up Christopher from school which left Buck with a racing heart and the need for an icy shower… Well. Buck still preferred that use of recovery time after shift to merely sleeping.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo yes, our two boys _are_ total morons who just need to communicate better. But also like....it's about time, right????
> 
> I really need to queue up some stuff but I'm still around on my[tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/) if you want to talk/flail.
> 
> (Also new fics will start being posted to AO3 this weekend for the Buddie Big Bang. Check them out, maybe??)


	17. Chapter 17

**Word Count:** 4,143  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** Some vivid descriptions of a panic attack.

* * *

Buck really shouldn't have been so surprised at how well Eddie could hide that there was something going on between them when they were at the station.

He should've known that a guy who broke down after a shift because of Shannon or that a guy who was rattled and in search of a fight could then act completely normal the next day would be the same guy who could turn off that he'd spent a day kissing Buck.

The worst part about it was that the more Buck started observing Eddie from the corner of his eye or listening to the way he chatted with the others, the more he realised he never would have known Eddie was in the early stages of a relationship if it wasn't because he was the other person involved. It left him feeling uncomfortable because he knew he'd said he wanted to take it slow, and he knew Eddie was still getting his head around the whole 'kissing a guy' thing, but Eddie was clearly _very_ capable of concealing his feelings and Buck needed to pay more attention to checking in with him more often.

At the other end of the 'worst' part was how difficult it was to keep his hands to himself when Eddie was nearby. Now that whatever the last barrier of uncertainty was between them had been removed, Buck struggled to not just reach out and _touch_ simply because he _could_. Sometimes, when Eddie squished onto the couch beside him at the firehouse to show him a video of something Christopher had done, Buck had to remember he couldn't rest his head on Eddie's shoulder while watching. Or whenever their knees bumped together in the back of the truck on the way to calls, he had to ensure he didn't glance up and meet Eddie's eyes to share a secret smile that Hen or Chim might see and start hollering about.

The secret sneaking around reminded him, maybe too much, of the early days of his romance with Abby. He felt like he'd sent messages back and forth to her a lot while Hen and Chim teased him, or he'd darted away to take phone calls out of earshot. And now he was doing the same, only he was refusing to say anything to them because clearly Eddie wanted to keep everything quiet. It wasn't as though Buck was ashamed of his feelings or his sexuality but he knew he had to give Eddie the time to work through everything. That Eddie trying to work through it left Buck feeling cold and nauseous so much of the time… He'd just have to learn to deal with it.

"So what's got you smiling like a lovestruck teenager?" Hen said as she flopped onto the couch beside him.

He quickly pocketed his phone so she couldn't see any part of his message chain with Eddie. They'd been debating what to cook for dinner based on the vague suggestions Christopher had supplied Eddie with a few days ago. Texting in the station had been Buck's idea when they'd curled together after putting Christopher to bed a couple of weeks ago. It would look weird if they were suddenly talking more than usual or sitting too close more often. Everyone knew they were good friends but a significant change in their dynamic, which Buck knew he wouldn't be able to control all that well, would be flashing neon signs to Hen and Chim's nosiness. He'd figured that if they were in different parts of the house where no one could see both of them simultaneously, then no one would realise they were messaging each other. It was _genius_. Eddie could continue to disappear downstairs to the gym and Buck could stay upstairs reading a magazine or a book and every now and then they'd send texts back and forth.

Buck had been incredibly proud of his idea, not least of all because Eddie had kissed him after it.

"Ooh Buckaroo, you've got it bad," Hen cooed as she elbowed him with a huge grin and bright eyes behind her glasses. "Who's the lucky lady?"

And that…was probably the hardest thing about what he was developing with Eddie. He knew everyone had their own assumptions about his sexuality because of his past relationships and the very public trysts that he was not proud of anymore. He figured everyone thought he was straight and couldn't contain it and that might've been true at one point but now? Now he saw himself as someone who took the time and the patience to get to know someone. And he'd never been open about his sexuality in the station but he wasn't sure why they all just assumed that 'straight' was the default when Hen had Karen and Michael had come out.

"There's no lady," he said, lightly elbowing her back. He tried to take comfort from the fact he wasn't lying instead of feeling awful because it felt like he was concealing by omission. "Can't I just smile while looking at a video on my phone?"

Hen looked over her glasses at him, lips pursed together in grave seriousness. "Boy, you don't look at a video on your phone like _that_ unless it's got naked people in it."

He knew his eyes grew large enough to pop out of his head because of the stunned flush that warmed his cheeks. Hen squawked with laughter and he heard Chim call out for an explanation where he'd where he'd been helping Bobby with the meal preparations in the kitchen.

" _Hen_!" he spluttered as she continued laughing, slapping her knee despite the tea that sloshed over the rim of her mug.

"Your _face_ , oh my God," she said, a tear running down her cheek as Chim wandered over.

"His face? What did his face do?"

"I hate all of you," Buck muttered, tossing his magazine on the coffee table and escaping downstairs. Why couldn't they just stop interfering and stop asking and stop assuming and stop pressuring him to be in a relationship or find out if he was in one? Even as he descended the stairs, he could hear Hen telling Chim he had a 'new lady friend', which inevitably meant Chim would send a message to Maddie to find out, which would mean she started texting or calling him to pump for information, and then she might want to come over randomly sometime to see if someone was in his apartment, and maybe that would mean she showed up when Eddie was there without Christopher, and that was-

He retreated to the locker room because he could curl into a ball out of the sightline of anyone walking past and shoved his hands into his hair. This thing with Eddie wasn't meant to be so difficult, he was sure of it. No one pestered Eddie about his love life or if he'd found someone new. Maybe it was different being a widower, or maybe it was because he had Christopher, but the way Eddie behaved clearly hadn't tipped anyone off. And yet now, because of one goofy smile as he'd texted a series of emojis for food options, Hen had told Chim and Chim would tell Maddie and within half an hour, everyone in the house as well as his sister would start trying to get information out of him, information he couldn't give because Eddie didn't- Eddie wasn't ready- and maybe Buck was going to ruin everything before it really began- and he-

He could feel the panic wrapping constricting coils around his chest because he wanted to see Eddie and fold into his chest but he couldn't, he couldn't see Eddie and talk about any of this right now, and maybe Eddie wouldn't even have a reaction to Hen's suspicions, or maybe Eddie would still come to the realisation he didn't really _like_ guys or want to be with him and so it ended, and then Buck lost his best friend and a kid that was his whole world, and it reminded him why he'd avoided this in the first place because then they couldn't both stay in the same firehouse, seeing each other every shift, because Buck would keep thinking about what they'd had and what he'd lost because of his own stupidity, so there'd be a change in shift rotations or transferring of houses, and he couldn't think about it but he couldn't _not_ think about it, and-

"Hey." A familiar hand squeezed his shoulder, the weight and warmth of Bobby's body settling beside him. "Hey, kid. Come on." Bobby's arm draped over his shoulders, a hand pressing against his knee. "You know Hen just likes to tease, she didn't mean anything malicious by it."

But the problem wasn't that it was or wasn't malicious because yes, Hen just liked to tease, it was that everything he had with Eddie could crumble so easily because Buck was clearly invested and couldn't hide his emotions but Eddie was a steel trap at work, and Eddie and Chris were also tied to Carla and maybe she wouldn't want to talk to him anymore either, and how would the rest of the house look at him if they ever found out, and how would they look at _Eddie_ if they ever found out, and suddenly everything seemed a lot more real, and a lot more alarming, and a lot scarier, and-

"Buck? Hey. I need you to slow your breathing, kiddo." Bobby's tone shifted from caring to his Captain's voice, lowering his pitch and measuring his pace. Buck had heard it so many times on calls with distressed families and he hated that it needed to be used for him because he was such a- "Buck, listen to me, okay? Just me. We're still at the house. We're still on duty. If we get a call, I can't leave you like this. So I need you to breathe in when I tell you and I need you to breathe out when I tell you, okay?"

But it was hard for Buck to concentrate on Bobby's words because he knew Bobby was right. If they got a call, Buck couldn't be left behind because he was meant to go on the call _with_ the others, but he couldn't when he was like this and he couldn't if Hen was likely to badger him and he couldn't if Eddie stared out the window rather than meeting Buck's eyes and he couldn't if Chim teased him incessantly over the radio and he couldn't if-

" _Buck_. I need you to breathe in, alright? Breathe _in_ for me, son."

But it was hard to breathe in when his lungs were so crushed by his curled position on the floor and when every thought he had was spinning out of his grasp, sparking a network of other hysterical thoughts that made a bigger network and all the thoughts were all-consuming and he couldn't focus on Bobby, or on breathing, or on anything because everything was splintering away from his awareness. He knew he was trembling, _badly_ , because he could feel the pressure in Bobby's arm trying to keep him weighted down, trying to keep his shaking body still, but it was too much, it was all too much and he couldn't understand anything Bobby was saying anymore because it sounded all distant and muffled, like he was underwater, and maybe Buck was underwater again, and even though his eyes were scrunched shut and everything was black he could still remember the deep blue of the water that surrounded him and swept him away and buffeted him in so many directions and he could remember how desperate he had been to hold onto Christopher but he'd failed that too, he always failed, and now he was going to die because he couldn't breathe and-

" _Buck_? What the hell, Cap? What _happened_?"

"I don't know. Hen said something about him having a girlfriend and he took off and I thought- Well, I thought maybe it was like you and the husbands comment a couple of weeks ago and he thought about Abby or Ali so I went to find him, but he's getting worse. I'm not sure if he's aware I'm even here anymore but you helped him after that pool incident last year, right?"

"Yeah, I- I did, I- Okay. Just… Can you grab his coat and give us the room? Please?"

Buck wanted to whine when he felt the arm around his shoulders disappear because that weight had at least helped anchor him from disappearing completely into his memories and dreams and nightmares, but it wasn't long and then there were _two_ arms surrounding him, rough and calloused hands clasped around his own.

"I've got you, Evan," Eddie murmured against his ear, the sound of his steady breathing replacing some of the all-encompassing silence and roar of being caught in the turbulent tsunami water and the thunderingly haphazard _whoosh_ of his heartbeat. A few minutes later, there was more pressure against his legs, a weight which was carefully distributed to wrap around him almost as tightly as he was holding onto himself. "Thanks, Cap. I've got this."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, promise. He needs the space. He'll hate having an audience afterwards."

"Okay. I'll give you the room. Radio if you need me, alright?"

"Thanks, Cap." Eddie's lips pressed against the back of his neck, the point of his chin settling against Buck's shoulder. "I'm here, querido. It's just you and me." His fingers squeezed against Buck's, more pressure that Buck wanted and needed. "I have you, Evan. I know the panic attack is scary, even though I don't understand what triggered it, but I've got you and you're safe here with me, alright? Listen to me breathe, feel my chest expand against your back, picture a place in the desert which is far away from water. Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, I'm here."

The strength in Eddie's grip and the constant weight against Buck's back was…helpful. Admittedly, it took a while to start having any impact but he distantly supposed that was because he'd worked himself up so quickly and so badly that it took a while to bring him back to any sort of awareness. Eddie kept murmuring quiet and gentle words, mixing in Spanish sentences that Buck had no comprehension of but which helped him feel warmer when he felt like he was freezing. And at some point, Buck began to realise he was exhausted, leaning into Eddie's body rather than rigid with all the anxiety and terror.

"Hey," Eddie whispered, nosing at his hair when Buck managed to get his eyes open, his focus on the locker room spinning around him as he felt the disorientation of where he was and what had happened starting to settle in and making him feel awful, and ashamed, and disappointed, and frustrated. "There you are."

Buck adjusted his fingers slightly, allowing Eddie's to fit into the gaps. He couldn't hold on very tightly but Eddie made up for that. "That was…bad, wasn't it?" he said with a weak attempt at a smile.

Eddie sighed, pressing a kiss to his hair and rubbing a thumb over his knuckles. "Yeah, Buck, it was. I've been holding you for a little over twenty minutes and you were totally gone when I got here."

"Bobby?" he said, because there was something about his Captain's voice filtering into his hazy memory.

"Yeah, he was here. Came to find you and then radioed for me when you clearly weren't listening to him," Eddie confirmed with another kiss to the top of his head.

There was a cramp building in Buck's bad leg so he uncoiled his knees, wincing in pain at the stretch of muscles and…dislodging his fire coat that had been wrapped around him? He frowned at it, failing to recall how or why or when he'd gotten it. Had they come back from a call and he-

"That was me," Eddie explained, tucking their linked hands against Buck's stomach as some of the blood started to flow back into his aching legs. "I figured it'd be like a weighted blanket or wrapping an unhappy kid into a blanket burrito."

Buck nodded, leaning into Eddie and settling his head on the other man's shoulder as his eyes closed. He felt wiped out and washed out, an iron weight of fatigue making him want to go home and sleep even though he still had hours left of his shift. Eddie kissed his temple and Buck gave a gentle squeeze of Eddie's hands, which Eddie returned.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eddie said after Buck took several slower, more purposeful breaths.

"Not here," Buck said, opening his eyes and jerking his head toward the firehouse. "They're all going to be talking enough."

"About your mysterious lady friend?" Eddie said, a small dimple appearing in his cheek as he suppressed a smile.

Buck rolled his eyes. "That's probably preferable to them thinking I'm going to go to pieces again."

"I'm not sure about that," Eddie mused, squeezing one of his hands. " _This_ makes me worried beyond belief but a lady friend makes me jealous."

Buck's eyebrows rose, gaze flickering up to see Eddie's hazel. "Jealous?"

Eddie's eyes glanced around the locker room before he kissed Buck gently, taking his time to convey a whole lot of emotions that left Buck feeling dizzy for different reasons than the panic attack. "Yes, I will get jealous of some other woman."

Buck hummed, searching Eddie's expression. "I'll remember that."

"Brat," Eddie chided, dropping another couple of kisses to his mouth before loosening some of his grip. Buck would've stayed there forever if he could, but the floor of the locker room was hardly comfortable and he didn't know where the rest of his team was. He guessed he simply _couldn't_ stay there forever.

Eddie gathered his coat and helped him to his feet, a steadying arm around his waist helping him not tip too far sideways when the world swirled in front of his eyes.

"No way you're going on any calls for the rest of shift," Eddie said, and maybe it was because Buck didn't have it in him to argue that Eddie realised just how exhausted he was. "Come on. We'll get you to the bunkroom and you can rest."

The downstairs area was deserted as Eddie led him to the small bunkroom, finding a cot mostly shaded from the light filtering into the windows and guiding him under the blankets. Eddie sat on the edge of the bed, stroking fingers through his hair as he fought against the fatigue because he really hated the thought of sleeping when he'd already had visions of drowning during the panic attack.

"Sleep, querido. Your body needs it."

And who was Buck to argue with that?

He was startled awake several times throughout the rest of the shift when the alarms blared, but no one came to get him. He heard the truck roar to life as it left, and he'd hear the faint rumbles when it returned. No one came to yell at him afterwards and demand to know why he was sleeping on the job. In his semi-lucid moments, Buck supposed he had Eddie to thank for that as he drifted somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness depending on what other noise was occurring throughout the house.

He still felt tired when a hand brushed against his shoulder, squeezing lightly and shaking off the tendrils of sleep that continued tugging him under. There wasn't any light outside the windows anymore and the blinds were mostly drawn against the light of the floor of the house, but he still knew it was Maddie who was sitting on the edge of his bed without looking at her. He'd know her perfume anywhere.

"Chim called you?" he said as she cradled his cheek, thumb dragging over the birthmark above his eyebrow like she used to when he was a kid and woke him up from a bad dream.

"In between a call, yeah. He didn't know much, just that Bobby had taken you out of commission for the day at Eddie's request." Maddie's nails scratched lightly at his scalp. "I saw Bobby as I came in. He said you'd slept most of the day but that you shouldn't be alone tonight. Do you want to come back to mine or do you want me to come over to yours?"

And Buck…really wanted to say neither, because he wanted to be with Eddie tonight, but how was he meant to explain that?

"Your place will probably have Chimney too," he pointed out and he could practically hear her eyes roll.

"He's not your enemy, Ev."

"I know that but I…I don't want my personal life plastered all around the house again," he said, opening his eyes to gaze at some of the shadows criss-crossing her face. "I'm not really in the mood for entertaining company either."

"Lucky for you, then, that I'm your big sister and don't need entertaining," she said and Buck knew there was no way out of her staying with him. There would be no argument he could make that she wouldn't counter.

The others were milling around the truck after he'd collected his gear from the locker room, and he wasn't sure he'd felt this nervous facing them since attempting to apologise for the lawsuit. On multiple occasions.

He hadn't even opened his mouth when Hen reached out and embraced him, her arms tight around his shoulders. "Whatever I said, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," he assured, using his free arm to rub her back. "Please don't blame yourself, Hen."

She ruffled his hair as she pulled away and Buck found it difficult to meet any of their eyes, including Eddie's. "I- Uh… Maddie's going to stay with me tonight," he said as she linked her arm around his elbow and he tried to ignore the way Chim's face fell out of the corner of his eye. "Thanks for…covering for me today. You shouldn't have to be a man short."

"We just need you to be okay, kid," Bobby said with a nod, which Chim and Hen matched.

"Yeah, I…" He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Eddie for a brief second and realising that all of Eddie's shields were back up, that his expression betrayed nothing about his feelings, and Buck really wished he had that sort of control sometimes. He'd have to ask Eddie for tips. "I don't really know what happened but I… I'll take it easy and be back next shift."

Hen pulled him into another hug with another apology, and Bobby gave him a handshake and a one-armed hug. "You should make some calls," his Captain said for only him to hear, and Buck knew he meant the therapist's card that kept being flung around Buck's coffee table. It was hard to explain to Bobby why he was so against the idea of therapy after that woman he'd seen a couple of years ago.

Chim gave Maddie a hug and kissed her cheek, saying something about brunch or dinner tomorrow, but Buck tuned it out as he met Eddie's eyes and felt uncertain about what to do when they were standing among the team.

"Thanks for…earlier," he said lamely, and the small dimple returned in Eddie's cheek which was at least some flicker of an emotion within Eddie's soul.

"Come here, tonto," Eddie said, dragging him into a hug that Buck was all too willing to return seeing as he'd have Maddie with him tonight. "Text me when she leaves and I'll come over tomorrow, okay?" Eddie whispered into his ear and Buck nodded, pulling away before their hug lingered too long and everyone got weird about it.

"I'll drive you home," Maddie said, and it hadn't occurred to Buck that he was still so exhausted that driving might've been dangerous but as soon as she said it, he realised he was grateful he wouldn't have to concentrate.

"How will I get here next shift?" he said as he followed her out and eyed his parked truck in the lot.

"I'm sure one of your crew can give you a lift," she pointed out and Buck briefly wondered about whether he could start carpooling with Eddie or if that would _really_ tip everyone off. "Or I can just tell Howie he needs to pick you up."

"Picked up by my big sister's boyfriend? What is this? Am I back in middle school?"

Maddie's laugh made him smile, even though all he was doing was calculating how many hours it would be before she left and he could text Eddie to come over and hold him.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wondered whether the angst was over....... I do love Buck and Maddie moments though!
> 
> The start of both my Big Bang fics went live this week!  
> If you like angst, then [If The World Was Ending](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959680) will have plenty. There will also be embedded art within it.  
> Alternatively, if you're interested in a very different sort of AU with SWAT!Eddie and a rather mysterious drawing class model covered in a whole lot of Marks, then [Against The Odds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24978145) may be of interest. ATO has an explicit rating, as an FYI.
> 
> That's it from me for now - comment below or come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/), if you so wish.


	18. Chapter 18

**Word Count:** 2,928  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** There is a discussion about Buck and the female therapist in Season 1 in relation to the issues of consent and power imbalances.

* * *

"So." Maddie settled on the couch with a glass of wine in one hand, her fingers twisting between Buck's hair with the other after she'd insisted he rest his head in her lap once they'd finished eating the delivery of Thai food. "How long has this anxiety thing been a problem, Evan?"

He knew he wouldn't have been able to hide it forever, especially not from his sister. She knew him too well. She'd been there when he was a child having nightmares or hiding in the bedroom closet when he got scared hearing their parents fight. He just wondered how long he could conceal his feelings for Eddie from her. Not long, he guessed.

"I've been anxious since I was born, you know that," he said, aiming for the deflection like always.

"Well, that's true," she conceded, sipping from her class and shooting him a playful smile, "but I meant to the point that you're having a breakdown at work."

He decided the easiest course – even though it was one he didn't want to bring up – was to talk about the first time Eddie had helped him with a panic attack on the job: the pool rescue. It didn't take Maddie long to put the pieces together that the fear of water she'd noted when suggestions of going to the beach were shot down was linked to the tsunami, but he struggled to tell her about how there were still nightmares about the bombings sometimes, or he woke up choking on his own blood where no one was around to help him. He could see in the glittering of her eyes that she understood he'd been through a _lot_ in a short span of time and it had taken its toll.

"You know I started seeing a therapist after Doug died," Maddie said, her wine glass empty but still spinning between her fingers by the stem. "I saw a lot of different types of therapists to figure out what works for me. I know you don't like talking about any of this or any of what we went through growing up, but Ev, it's affecting your work. We both know how much you fought to get back on the job. Why would you avoid something that might help you?"

Buck sighed, gazing up at her miserable expression. "But I should just be able to get over it, you know? Everyone else seems to move on."

She shook her head, leaning forward to deposit her empty glass on the coffee table and then resettling his head in her lap. "First responders see all sorts of horrible things, you know that better than I do. What you've been through… Ev, that's the very _definition_ of trauma. If you're not talking about it, if you're not working out ways to manage it, then of course it's going to become really hard to deal with. You've always been anxious, and then you face death three times in a handful of months? _Anyone_ would find that difficult to work through."

He knew she was right, because it was nothing he hadn't already considered himself more than enough times. Still, he hated hearing it. He hated hearing she was right. He hated feeling like parts of him were broken but, even more than that, he hated that those broken parts were affecting how he did his job.

"Evan… Why are you so afraid of letting people _help_ you?"

And that was what it all boiled down to, wasn't it? He was afraid to let people help. He was afraid of people seeing the fragments of his psyche.

"I tried therapy while in the LAFD," he said with a small shrug. "Didn't work out so great."

"Oh? Why's that?"

His eyes flitted to some spot underneath his staircase and he became acutely conscious of how still her hands went.

"Ev?"

"I slept with her," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm not proud of it but I-"

"You did _what_?" Maddie said, her voice rising at least an octave. Maybe two. "Wait, no, scrap that. _She_ did what?"

"No, she didn't do any-"

"Did she _want_ it?"

Buck sat up purely so that he could withdraw himself from Maddie's comfort and make sure she didn't end up hitting him. "She- I- Yeah- She- She definitely-"

"So this is on _her_ , Evan, not _you_."

"No, but-"

"Evan." Maddie's voice was so firm and yet her tone cracked in the middle of the two-syllable word. Chewing his bottom lip, feeling how prepared his heart was to launch itself out of his chest to be stabbed with the stiletto heels that therapist had worn, he peeked over his shoulder at Maddie. "Evan, that's… She shouldn't have done that."

"I know. That's what she said after we-"

"Did you tell Bobby about this?" Maddie said, the abrupt change in topic catching him off guard. He frowned and then shook his head slowly, which made Maddie press her fingers to her temples and start moving the skin in regular circles as she sighed. "So what I'm getting from this is that you went to see a therapist for whatever reason and-"

"I thought I was a sex addict."

Maddie's eyes flashed up to him again, dark and stunned. He thought his face at least managed something sheepish in the face of her brewing ire. "So you went to see a therapist for a _sex addiction_ ," she amended, "and then she slept with you."

"It was really more a mutual thing?" he said, scrunching his nose at the recollection. "She was hardly saying no and I-"

"Evan." His ramblings stuttered as she stared at him. "She was in a position of power over you and she abused it. That's not- It might have seemed mutual at the time but it's _wrong_."

"Maddie, I don't think-"

"What would you say if I told you I slept with _my_ therapist?" Maddie retorted and Buck flinched. He knew she knew she'd won with turning the tables like that. She might be older but he was a foot taller. After Doug, anyone that hurt her would have a limb or four ripped from their sockets. Maybe he and Chim could take turns. "Do you understand why I'm seeing it as a problem now? It's _assault._ "

He wilted with a slight nod, picking at the fabric of his jeans. "It's not really that important in the grand scheme of all the people I've ever slept with."

Maddie's look was shrewd. "That's a conversation for another time and requires a whole lot more wine." She held out one hand to him, patting her lap with the other. "I'd say I'm sorry I pried but I'm not, Ev. That shouldn't have happened to you."

He pressed his lips together and tentatively manoeuvred back into her lap, some of the flickers of discomfort and anxiety soothed when her fingers returned to his hair.

"So then… Will you tell _me_ what happened today?" she said, switching the track of the conversation back to what he'd expected all evening and straying too close to information that wasn't his to share. Buck had no idea what Eddie had said to the team after he'd fallen asleep, but given his mostly expressionless stance when Buck had been leaving with Maddie, Eddie certainly hadn't said anything about _them_. So Buck couldn't tell anything to Maddie now.

"I…don't really know. Hen teased me and I decided to get away and then I- My thoughts spiralled…" He shrugged and waved his hand around but he could tell Maddie was far from convinced from his woefully inadequate explanation. He suspected she'd keep pushing just like she had about that therapist until she got an answer for all her questions.

"Teasing you about what?"

"Maddie…"

"Evan…" She echoed his tone, poking at his collarbone with a sharp nail. "Come on. I'm your _sister_. There's nothing you can't tell me. Not anymore."

Buck swallowed around all his nerves, knowing he could never out Eddie but…maybe he could at least talk _around_ his feelings with her. Because she was right. She _was_ his sister. She'd been there for all the messy growing up bits that he never talked about with anyone at the 118.

"She…made a comment about me having a girlfriend because of the way I was looking at my phone," he said, his words laboured with hesitation as he gazed up at her to gauge her reaction.

"Oh." Maddie frowned, resuming her petting of his hair. "Why would that be such a problem? They knew about Abby and Ali and you deserve to be happy." It was such a caring-sister thing to say, right before her face morphed into one of ardent curiosity. " _Do_ you have a new girlfriend I need to meet and decide if she's good enough for you?"

He was reluctant to start lying directly to her about gender pronouns but his lack of immediate response confirmed there was _someone_ otherwise he would've just dismissed her. It was clear she knew that because a grin started to spread across her face and she shifted slightly to keep a better sightline on his.

"Oh my God, Evan! Why didn't you _tell_ me about her?" she demanded, poking at him again and again, her voice rising and her pace increasing as she started spitting the questions at him. "How long has this been going on? Where did you two meet? How did you two meet? What's her name?"

And Buck…really couldn't answer most of her questions because it wasn't his place. If he answered one question, everything could unravel and he didn't think Eddie was ready for that yet. Not when he'd been so inconspicuous at the station. When Buck's silence dragged on for too long, he could see the sparkle in her eyes begin to dim, a small downturn in her lips as she scrutinised him. Maybe something in his face gave him away because he saw the way the crease between her brows opened into a dawning understanding.

"It's…not a girl, is it?" she said slowly and he couldn't move fast enough to get out of her lap. Regardless, he still heard her squeaking behind him like she had when he first mentioned having a crush on a guy when he doubted he'd even been ten years old. "Oh my _God_."

"Maddie-" he began with a sigh but her eyes were alight with questions as she sat up straight.

"You have a _boy_ friend?" she said, clapping her hands together like an idiot seal that was looking to get fed some fish. Given Buck's inability to provide any sort of answer, she was going to be disappointed. "Oh, this is _so_ much more exciting. You haven't told me about any guys since…what was his name? John? Jack?"

"Benjamin," he muttered as he collected her wine glass to escape to the kitchen. He ran a hand through his hair as he set it in the sink but he should've known his sister wasn't going to give up now. He could hear the excited bounce in her step as she followed him.

"You can't just drop information like _that_ and expect me to leave it alone," she said with a frustrated huff as she gazed at him. It took a lot of willpower for Buck not to let his eyes wander the kitchen, thinking about how he had been pressed against a counter and kissing Eddie and being kissed by Eddie for the first time only a couple of weeks ago. "Come _on_ , Evan. I need _details._ "

He shook his head, hands clamping onto the island bench in front of him as he fixed her with a look that said he wasn't going to be swayed into oversharing. "It's still only early and he is…still figuring out how he feels," he said, his confirmation that there was a _guy_ making the grin return to her face. "It's not my place to say anything else."

She conceded the point with a small nod and sat on one of his stools, propping her elbows on the counter and resting her chin in her palms. "Is he not out?"

"I'm not even sure he's into guys," he said with a slightly nervous laugh. "Besides, it's not like _I'm_ out at the house. So _that's_ a whole conversation I'm not exactly thrilled to have if we ever- uh… if I ever introduce him to them."

Maddie seemed not to notice his small slip because she had a thoughtful expression on her face. "I don't think anyone at the house would care if you came out. I mean, there's Hen, obviously, and Michael. Chin and Bobby seem really accepting of them. I don't know Eddie's stance because he was in the military but you're his best friend. I'm sure he'd be cool with it."

It was really, _really_ hard keeping a straight face. He mostly tried to play it like he was seriously considering her words and at the same time, he knew saying anything to those at the station was more complicated than that simply _because_ it was Eddie. It was an important detail that made a world of difference, and she didn't know it. "Maybe at some point, but not now," he allowed, although he wasn't even sure what part of her musings he was responding to.

"Okay." She pursed her lips and appraised him again. "So you're not sure he's into guys? Why would you even mix yourself up with someone like that?"

"Because he's-" Buck paused, biting the inside of his cheek to avoid oversharing, overspilling, and causing a problem down the track. "Because he's really nice and I'm giving him a chance to take his time in deciding what he wants, Maddie."

"That sounds like you're just accepting you'll get hurt and willingly sacrificing what _you_ want to give _him_ something."

"I- I mean- Maybe." She didn't seem appeased at all by his answer but what did she expect? He'd done a great job at ignoring what he thought he wanted for years, and then he'd stopped focusing on what he wanted by sleeping with anyone who showed an interest. Now he was trying to find some middle ground and Eddie… Eddie was patient and caring and gentle. Even if Buck got hurt, then there was a chance he'd still learn something out of this situation. "But all relationships come with risk, right? I was hurt by Abby leaving and running off to the edge of the world. It doesn't really matter what sexuality someone is or isn't, you know when you get involved with someone that you might get hurt."

He realised the second the words left his mouth that he'd been too flippant and Maddie's eyes shuttered at the words. A heavy weight settled in his stomach, threatening to drag him to a place of self-loathing for the rest of the night.

"Shit. Mads, I didn't mean-"

"I know." She visibly swallowed and exhaled slowly, straightening her shoulders and gazing at him steadily. "I _know_ you didn't, okay? You're not wrong. Relationships _do_ come with a risk of being hurt. I know that and you know that. I- I'm just overprotective of you, you know? I don't want my baby brother being hurt by some guy who might decide he's 100% straight after you've already fallen head over heels for him."

And Buck knew that Eddie deciding he was straight was a possibility, especially when he saw how naturally Eddie moved around the firehouse with him like there was nothing else bubbling beneath the surface, like they didn't exchange quick kisses when they knew no one else was nearby. Buck wasn't even sure if he felt a faint thrill at possibly being caught or just a constant nervous tension that left him nauseous about how Eddie would react if someone _did_ see them.

"You already _have_ fallen head over heels for him," Maddie said, her faintly amused voice breaking into his thoughts, and Buck realised he couldn't deny it. He imagined it was all over his face because he had such little control over his emotions. It probably didn't help that he'd been fighting how he felt for months and now he was starting to come to terms with the possibility that it was reciprocated, that he was actually developing the foundation of something. But he'd have to ask Eddie for some tips on how to keep his face blank. "Please just be careful, Ev? I don't want to be picking up the pieces of your heart because I didn't let you know I was worried about you."

He moved around the kitchen island to wrap his arms around her shoulders, dropping a kiss to her head as she folded her hands around his arms.

"I'll be careful, sister dear," he promised, more grateful than she could ever know or understand that she'd fled to LA and found him. She was starting to be that warm, caring person again who had shielded him from their parents whenever she could and he'd missed being able to call her and rely on her simply because she was blood. There were so many years they'd lost and there were so many years he'd been desperate to know where she was because of her marriage. Regardless of how her relationship with Chimney progressed, no matter who she ended up with or where she decided to put down solid roots, he knew he would never lose touch with her again.

And he'd absolutely destroy anyone who tried to hurt her.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, alright, I know there wasn't Buck and Eddie and they need to talk - and they will - but I have such a soft spot for the Buckley siblings loving and supporting one another. And also building a little bit of backstory for Buck because you can't tell me with the way she joked about not setting up Buck and Josh, or Buck's 'boycrush' on Eddie, or how Buck misunderstood that she meant Chim was cute not Eddie, that Maddie doesn't know something.....
> 
> Also talking about what the therapist did has been a recurring conversation on the Discord that this was my version of addressing it, I suppose. Another thing I wish the show did better, depicted better, referred to better. _Deep sighs_.
> 
> Anyway, on a lighter note, I'm taking prompts over on my Tumblr for a [fluffy meme thing](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/post/622783386752303104/101-fluffy-prompts) if you'd like to drop by and ask for something :) (I'll do my best not to twist it into something angsty.......)


	19. Chapter 19

**Word Count:** 3,862  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** There is a follow-up discussion about Buck and his therapist in Season 1.

* * *

Buck tried not to be too obvious that he wanted Maddie to leave the next morning but he'd had to turn his phone off once he got home because he wouldn't put it past Maddie to try to look at his screen and see who might message him, and if someone messaged him a _lot_ then they knew about what had happened at the house and she'd probably realise he was involved with someone in a very small network of people, and that would make her even more suspicious. He itched to check for texts from Eddie or for her to leave so he could text Eddie and the man could come over, because as much as he loved his sister, he couldn't shake his fear that maybe Eddie _was_ 100% straight and would end up breaking his heart.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" she asked for the millionth time while hovering in the doorway of his apartment, so close to leaving and yet still there.

"Maddie. I'm a grown man."

"You're still my baby bro," she said, touching his cheek and staring into his eyes. "And I love you."

She played a card meant to make him fold and plead with her to stay, but not this time. Not when there was someone else he wanted to be with him. He caught her hand and kissed her knuckles and her palm. "I love you too, but please go have brunch with Chimney before I cop it for slouching on the job _and_ stealing his girlfriend overnight."

She laughed, tapping him on the nose with her index finger. "He would never."

"He actually would. Now _go_ ," he insisted, giving her a gentle push out the door as she rolled her eyes and shot him a knowing smirk.

" _You_ just want to call lover boy."

She wasn't wrong and it was either something in his face or his silence which confirmed it. Her laughter drifted along the corridor as she began the walk to the elevators.

And Buck wasn't…paranoid about Maddie but he _did_ wait nearly fifteen minutes before he turned his phone on, because that should've been long enough for her to get in her car and leave. It took a frustratingly long time for the phone to initiate so he could text Eddie to say she'd left and he fought a smile when Eddie's response was almost instant, like he'd not been separated from his phone since Buck had left the station yesterday.

> _Eddie: do u want me to come over?_

The determination Eddie had shown yesterday that he _would_ come over now made Buck hesitate, wondering if Maddie was right and this thing with Eddie was a disaster waiting to happen. His phone vibrated again and when he read the message, he fought the shy smile that would have given away there was something special about his messages if Hen had seen him again.

> _Eddie: i want to see u but i understand if u'd rather hv some space. i thought i should check before imposing_
> 
> _Buck: u r never an imposition_
> 
> _Eddie: b there in 20_

It gave him enough time to have a quick shower and collect some of the discarded containers and bottles from last night into his trash and rinse some of the dishes to make it look like he cared a bit more about his place. He'd just finished organising his abandoned shoes onto the rack when there was a knock at the door and he wasted no time in opening it, almost launching into Eddie's arms and holding on like his life depended on it.

"Hi," Eddie said, rubbing a hand against his back and nosing at his hair. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you have a sister who cares so much, but I wish I'd been here last night."

And it was…almost exactly what he'd needed to hear after Maddie's concerns that he was getting involved with someone who didn't feel the same way because it was terrifying to think that he'd already fallen head over heels for Eddie. "Yeah?"

Eddie kissed the shell of his ear, the hinge of his jaw, anywhere he could reach until Buck tilted his head to press their lips together properly. Eddie stepped them into Buck's apartment, the door shutting behind him a little loudly but not enough to distract Buck from the feeling of calloused fingers cradling his cheek, a tongue sliding over Buck's lips in ways that made Buck's breath hitch and his hands curl against Eddie's back. He felt dazed when Eddie ended the kiss with lighter, chaste touches of their lips, taking a long moment to reopen his eyes and gaze at the man in front of him.

"Absolutely yeah," Eddie confirmed, his eyes warm and crinkled at the edges with his smile, and it took Buck a moment to remember what he'd been seeking clarification about. After a fuzzy few seconds, he did and returned the smile. "You may have ended up at my place because I don't think I could've found someone to take care of Christopher at such short notice, but I would have held you all night and kissed you until the sun rose. No question about it, cariño."

Buck didn't know a lot of Spanish after growing up in Pennsylvania but he did know a little from his travels and bartending in South America, so the affectionate little nicknames made him revel in the heat that filled his belly. He leaned in for another kiss, savouring having Eddie close enough to hold onto as well as for this new and exciting and completely terrifying development in their interactions.

"How are you feeling after yesterday? Did Maddie look after you?" Eddie asked, skimming fingers over Buck's face and examining his expression.

Buck laced his fingers through Eddie's to peel them away from standing by his front door, leading him towards the couch so he could curl into Eddie's lap. He had some serious hugging time to make up for because of Maddie last night.

"Yeah, we talked," he said as he snuggled into Eddie's chest, fingers toying with the fabric of his Henley. Eddie draped an arm around him and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "She…um… She told me I should see a therapist."

"She's not wrong."

"I know but-" Buck sighed, tilting his head so he could see Eddie's face. "She didn't know I'd slept with my therapist a couple of years ago so that turned into a whole thing."

Eddie's eyebrows twitched, his index finger settling under Buck's jaw to keep his head upright. "You slept with your _therapist_?"

"It was a…phase," he said, wrinkling his nose. "It's not like it's something I'm proud of."

Eddie's eyes scanned his, lips pursed together.

"What?"

"Maddie _did_ tell you that shouldn't have happened, right?"

Buck rolled his eyes and shook Eddie's finger off his skin, returning the press of his cheek and temple to Eddie's collarbone. "Yeah. Basically making out like I was taken advantage of or something even though it wasn't like I was against it."

" _Buck_ ," Eddie sighed in obvious frustration but Buck shook his head, prodding at the planes of muscle that he could feel beneath Eddie's shirt.

"It's not important. Not right now. I, uh… She wanted to know about what Hen had said."

"The girlfriend thing?"

"Yeah." He bit his lip, knowing he couldn't keep information to Eddie when it affected him the most. "Mads guessed I was seeing someone but that it wasn't a girl. I- I didn't tell her anything about who it was or how we met. She's too smart for that. She'd figure something out."

Eddie was silent as he processed the information and Buck peered up at him, noting the discomfort and uncertainty flickering through his eyes. There was a pinched look to his cheeks and Buck wondered how long they were going to be sneaking around trying to hide something from people they worked with and saw all the time. Or maybe Eddie really was confident he really _was_ straight and so everything was going to go to hell because Buck was- "What if she says something to Chimney?"

"She won't," Buck said, because he knew his sister and he knew she could keep his secrets. He hadn't exactly sworn her to secrecy but she'd never spilled anything to anyone about him before so he felt like he could give her the benefit of the doubt in this situation too. "I told her I'm not out at the firehouse so she knows that saying anything would out me to Chim, and Chim would then start asking in front of everyone which would then put me in a position where I really wasn't comfortable. She'd be able to see that too and so she wouldn't say anything to him. It'll be okay."

Eddie still looked unconvinced and Buck felt like his heart was starting to break, the anxious nausea building in his gut because maybe he'd made a terrible mistake and-

"I- I'm sorry. I just- I couldn't lie to her."

"No, I know. I understand what having a sister is like, Buck. It's…" Eddie rubbed a hand over his face and hair, mussing the placement of some of the strands and appearing not to care about it. "I'm not mad at you and I'm not afraid of them finding out about us. You know that, right?"

Buck didn't know that, but it was nice to hear it. At least maybe he'd feel a little less like he was walking on eggshells through a minefield criss-crossed with laser beams and pressure sensors that could explode underfoot during any shift or event they had to attend.

" _Evan_." Eddie frowned, cupping his cheek to ensure Buck met his eyes. "If I was afraid of them finding out, I wouldn't have kissed you at the station yesterday."

"And here I thought it was just that you couldn't resist me."

"Well, there's that too," Eddie agreed with a wry grin, covering his lips in a tender kiss that made Buck chase after him when it ended. "You are pretty irresistible."

Buck winked. "It's part of my charm, really."

Eddie's huffed laugh scattered over Buck's face. "The modesty is a nice touch too."

Buck raised his arm and flexed some of the muscles with an arched eyebrow. Eddie shook his head, hiding his grin by pressing a kiss to Buck's hair again.

"Seriously, though, I'm not ashamed about you, or…us," Eddie said with clear deliberation after the joking had subsided. Buck was almost certain his heart fluttered at the idea of an 'us' but that was mostly because he hadn't been sure how to label any of what… _this_ …was. More than a friendship, less than a relationship? He didn't know where the boundaries were anymore. "I'm… I guess I'm more afraid about Christopher. He's only ever known me with Shannon, and I know he adores you, but will he accept you in the new way I see you? It's… He makes it more complicated."

It was a dimension that Buck had thought about, and fretted about, for months but hearing Eddie say it – hearing Eddie talk about the issue of being a single father or married or in a relationship with a woman – made it hit home that they were on similar pages with feeling the stress about embarking on this journey. He adored Chris, and he thought Chris adored him, but Eddie was right: a new relationship, especially with a man that Chris already knew in a particular way? It did make it more complicated.

"Has Chris ever said anything?" he said, adjusting his weight in Eddie's lap slightly.

"No, but to be fair, I've never asked." Eddie kissed his hairline, absently tracing a finger over Buck's torso through his t-shirt. "He's a great kid. I don't think he'd have a problem with it, but I'm the only parent he has left so if there _was_ a problem, then-"

"Chris comes first, I know," Buck agreed, comfortable in Eddie's embrace even though they were talking about distinctly uncomfortable aspects of their relationship. _Would_ Chris have a problem with this? Nothing seemed to faze the kid but maybe he was being naïve. Maybe this would be too much. "That's the way it should be. I'd never ask you to disregard how he feels."

Eddie hummed, the sound vibrating through his chest and against Buck's back. "Thank you for understanding."

"I love Christopher," Buck said with a shrug, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "His happiness comes first to me too."

"Oh?" Eddie said, surprise filtering into his tone and drawing Buck's eyes up to his face. "Not _my_ happiness?"

"Well…" Buck sing-songed, chuckling at the accusatory look on Eddie's face. "You're important too, I suppose."

Eddie snorted, fingers rippling across Buck's stomach and though he wasn't ticklish, he still squirmed.

"Is this your jealousy thing on display again? I can't love Christopher too?"

"No, it's true," Eddie acknowledged, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "I can't be jealous of you when it's your care for my son." Eddie kissed the tip of his nose, brushing a few strands of hair back into place. "I'm glad you seem to be feeling better today. I was worried about you."

Buck ducked his head. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, I'm not asking you to apologise." Eddie lifted his head, thumb smoothing along his cheek. "It's because I missed you. I knew you weren't okay and I thought texting was probably a bad idea with Maddie here, and it _sucked._ "

Buck puckered his lips with a hopeful widening of his eyes and Eddie rolled his eyes and kissed him. It was so easy and simple, the two of them wrapped in a cocoon of warmth and comfort like they had been so many times after difficult calls. Except there was still that anxiety deep in Buck's mind that wondered when the other shoe would drop and there'd be some sort of chaotic argument between them that turned ugly and hate-filled.

"I missed you too," he whispered between kisses, shifting in Eddie's embrace to kiss him longer and deeper, heat dripping down his spine and pooling in his belly when he felt one of Eddie's hands settle against his back and the other against his chest. Eddie could almost certainly feel the racing tremor of Buck's heart.

"How… I know you said you were okay with taking this slow but…how slow _is_ that, exactly?" Eddie asked, and Buck's eyes flashed open to see the caution in Eddie's expression.

He licked his lower lip, drawing it between his teeth as he assessed Eddie. "I…was leaving that to you to decide."

Eddie gazed at him, the hesitation clear in the way his throat bobbed and his lips moved around the words he wanted to say. "Have you ever had sex with a guy?"

Buck opened his mouth as he inhaled, then closed his mouth with a slow exhale. He knew this sort of thing was important to discuss but after his conversation with Maddie about the therapist, he'd lost some of his confidence in approaching sex. Even so, concealing anything from Eddie was out of the question. He might feel guilty or ashamed of who he used to be but he wasn't going to lie about his past.

"I…fooled around with a lot of guys in high school," he admitted, eyes skipping away from directly Eddie's. "There were a lot of girls too. I think having an older sister who moved away meant I was… I'd grown up faster in some ways because I'd seen her, you know? My, uh… My dad was less than thrilled at catching me making out with a guy one time." There had been a _lot_ of shouting. Something was thrown against a wall with a shattering sound but he couldn't remember now if it was a glass, bottle or plate. He'd avoided being home much for the fortnight after that particular blow-up, too afraid of another explosion and too embarrassed to hold a conversation. "After I left home, I… There were a few guys but picking up girls was just…easier."

"So…?" Eddie prompted and Buck sighed, biting the inside of his cheek.

"I was a kid. We were kids. Even the few after I left home were barely older than me." He tugged lightly at one of the buttons on Eddie's Henley as a distraction. "We'd touch and…explore, stuff like that, but it was…pretty tame. I think we were all kind of figuring ourselves out so it never really went _that_ far."

"Did you want it to?" Eddie said, fingers trailing patterns against Buck's back, and Buck wondered how red his face was with all these questions because these were areas of his life he wasn't sure he'd discussed with…anyone, really. No one had ever cared enough to ask. And he doubted Maddie knew. She'd already left home by then, and was married, and had moved away. She hadn't been able to protect him from his recklessness and impulsiveness and especially their father's ire when he got caught.

"Not really?" He wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "With girls, it seemed to be okay somehow. It was normal to fool around. With the guys, it felt shameful and awkward somehow. I don't know if that was how I viewed it or if it was them." He knew he'd found it difficult for almost a year to look at another guy after the way his father had reacted, though.

"And now?"

"Are we talking generally or with you?" Buck's gaze flicked back to Eddie to gauge what he'd meant.

Eddie's eyes almost certainly darkened at the question. At the very least, his brows drew together and his eyes narrowed. "With me. I don't want to think of you 'generally' with any other guy when you're in my arms right now."

"Careful, Diaz, your little green guy is showing," Buck teased, trying not to smile too wide when Eddie huffed and prodded him with deliberate fingers. "Look, it's whatever you're comfortable with. I've made peace with my feelings for guys and what I'm okay with a long time ago."

"But what about what _you're_ comfortable with?" Eddie pressed and Buck just kind of…shrugged. Eddie's aimless touches slowed, his gaze shifting towards something calculating. "Evan, what is it _you_ want?"

"I don't really care?"

"That's not… _Dios_ , Evan." Eddie cradled his cheek, fixing him with a determined stare. "I _need_ you to care about what you want so I don't end up hurting you or scaring you because _I_ don't know what I'm doing and don't have the…the experiences that you do."

"But…" Buck frowned, biting the corner of his lip as he stared back. "I don't get scared? Not about sex. It's- It's never been something that…scared me."

"No?"

"No." Buck paused, swallowed around some of the nerves. The conversation with Maddie about the therapist circled his mind again, like water circling a drainpipe that wouldn't just _leave_ , but even then, they'd both been adults. They'd both been willing. It wasn't as though she'd hurt him, although he could see Maddie's point that it shouldn't have happened. "I suggested taking it slow because you're still figuring everything out and it's been a while since I was with a guy," he said, tilting into Eddie's palm and kissing the flesh. "But you don't scare me, Eddie. Not when it comes to this."

Eddie hummed quietly in consideration, gaze still flickering as he examined Buck like he was searching for any trace of doubt or unease. "So if I kissed you here," Eddie said, brushing lips against Buck's temple and making his eyes half-close at the affection, "and here," with a kiss to his jaw that made him tilt his head and open up his neck to Eddie's roving mouth, "and asked you if you'd take your shirt off so I could look at you?"

Buck wasted little time in sitting up to peel his t-shirt over his head because that? That he could do. That he was more than happy to do. That was simple and uncomplicated and wasn't scary. Eddie's eyes tracked down his torso, stirring heat in Buck's belly as he watched the hazel turn into a liquid chocolate, and then Eddie's hands grasped at his waist to pull him closer and Buck's fingers closed around Eddie's shoulders as the kisses turned from something sweet and languid into something feverish. It may or may not have had something to do with the way Eddie's fingers were skimming down the bare skin of his back, making him shiver and his muscles tense. It may or may not have had something to do with the way Eddie's palms were rough against the muscles of his sides and abdomen. It almost certainly had something to do with the way his thumbs scraped at Buck's hipbones beneath the hem of his jeans though, making his shoulders shudder and some of the rhythm behind his kisses falter.

"I want you beneath me," Eddie breathed between kisses, nails scratching along Buck's spine that made Buck jerk closer even though the couch was becoming increasingly too small. "Also, there are too many clothes."

"My bed is upstairs," he offered, bumping his nose against Eddie's when he shifted to kiss the edge of Eddie's mouth.

"Is there a reason we aren't in it?"

Buck pressed his lips to Eddie's almost too harshly, shaking with the effort to keep himself controlled. He pulled away, surveying Eddie's flushed face and swollen lips and sparkling eyes and he knew his attempt at control was going to be sorely tested by this man. Eddie didn't always say much, preferring to hide his feelings and his needs, but when he felt comfortable enough Buck thought it might just make him lose his mind.

"You want to?"

"Not…everything, not now. Not yet," Eddie said thoughtfully, his thumb tracing the tattoo on the inside of Buck's left shoulder. "But… I'd like to do more than this, at least. I'm not some innocent virgin who isn't aware of what he's suggesting, Evan. Do _you_ want to?"

Buck tumbled off his couch rather unceremoniously, tugging Eddie to his feet and grasping at Eddie's Henley to get it over his head. Brown hair spiked in all directions, an amused grin pulling at Eddie's red lips as Buck unashamedly surveyed the dips of Eddie's muscles with his eyes. Spending all the time in the gym was a good move. "That's one less bit of clothing that you were complaining about."

Eddie rolled his eyes, shoving Buck in the direction of the stairs with a laugh. "You're killing me, Buckley."

Buck fit their hands together as they stumbled a little up the stairs, interrupted by kisses and touches and fingers loosening Eddie's belt. "Killing you with how good this could be can be arranged," he whispered as Eddie's lips grazed the side of his neck. He didn't think it was his imagination that Eddie released a small breath, though whether it was surprise or desire Buck wasn't sure.

* * *

_**  
~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some fun trivia knowledge about this chapter: I originally had it leading to a little more action, not terribly explicit (although it was some first draft rushed writing stuff) and then I came back to it and was like....no. I knew I was writing some epic alternate 3B story that I didn't want it to turn into something explicit which then might've made some people not read it (though I know there are others around who also like the explicit ratings so...).
> 
> I still have the very rough outtake saved away in the folders of documents. Anyone interested? Maybe I can flesh it out (...no pun intended........or maybe a little intended.....) and post it up sometime (Tread Heavily? lol). Let me know below or on my Tumblr, where I'm still taking [fluffy prompts](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/post/622783386752303104/101-fluffy-prompts) if you'd like to request one.


	20. Chapter 20

**Word Count:** 3,693  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

It was…really, _really_ weird arriving at the house with Chimney a couple of days later. Chimney had been disturbingly quiet the entire drive and Buck had almost, _almost_ , asked if Maddie had said something but he didn't want to tip Chimney off that there was anything for Maddie to have said which then led to more questions he wasn't willing to answer and more observations around the house than he was comfortable with. So he'd stayed quiet himself, looking out the window and wriggling his toes inside his shoes because fidgeting with his hands or bouncing his knee would have been too obvious.

His poor truck was still parked in the lot and next to it was Eddie's truck, its rather delightful owner leaning against the hood and looking at something on his phone. Buck swallowed the emotions he felt brim to the surface at the sight of Eddie, at the stretch of his shirt across his shoulders and the casual lean against his truck, as best as he could by thanking Chimney as they climbed out of his car.

"Hey, hey, there he is," Eddie said with a smile, holding out an arm to pull him into a hug and clapping a hand to his back. And Buck really needed to work out what was 'normal' when Eddie wasn't ashamed of people at the house knowing about them and yet Eddie was still acting like they were friends, because friends didn't spend more than an hour tracing fingers over muscles and tattoos the way Eddie had only two days ago. It was difficult to play everything as cool and normal as Eddie did when the hand against his back seemed to be a glowing beacon of heat that flushed his whole body with the desire to tilt his head and nuzzle into Eddie's neck. At the very least, he wanted to just kiss him then and there. "How are you feeling?"

"Same as always," he said, flashing a smile and shrugging Eddie's hand off so he could hoist his bag onto his shoulder. Eddie didn't seem bothered if the warmth in his eyes was anything to go by, and he quickly fell into step with Chimney to ask about assignments and chore rotations for the next few shifts. Buck entered the locker room first and avoided looking at the patch of floor at the end of the row of metal where he'd had his breakdown. He shucked his sweater and pulled the LAFD navy shirt over his white tank-top, then peeled away his jeans and tugged on his navy pants. It was amazing the sense of purpose the uniform gave him, the way he started to _feel_ like a firefighter when he wore it compared to his civilian clothes.

Tucking in his shirt and adjusting his belt, he moved to tying his shoes.

"Seriously though?" Eddie said quietly, sauntering into view and placing his shoes beside Buck's to re-tie the shoelaces under the guise of being absolutely casual even though Buck really wanted to reach out and grab him and pin him against a locker and kiss him within an inch of his life. Buck _really_ needed to get control over his feelings.

"I'm okay," he assured, like he hadn't texted that to Eddie last night, and this morning. And several times yesterday.

"Would you tell me if you weren't?" Eddie said, catching his eyes while Buck fiddled with the fold of his collar.

"Would you tell me if _you_ weren't?" he retorted and Eddie gave him a look that confirmed no, he probably wouldn't. It probably wasn't fair considering Eddie had shown up at his apartment, rattled, more times than Buck had ever shown up at Eddie's house and certainly more times than he'd ever picked up the phone to call Eddie when he wasn't okay but…Eddie was still better at hiding his feelings than Buck ever would or could be. "I'm okay, Eddie. Seriously. Please leave it?"

"Okay, okay, _fine_. Stop fussing like a parent. I get it," Eddie teased, bumping his shoulder on their walk out of the locker room and tugging at a crease in Buck's sleeve. "Coffee?"

"Unquestionably," he agreed, and they climbed the stairs to the kitchen where Bobby was finishing with a large pan of scrambled eggs and bacon, and Hen was making tea, and Chimney was spreading an assortment of juices on the table.

"Morning," Bobby said, nodding at them and waving a spatula towards the coffee pot. "It should be fresh. I put it on before I started cooking."

" _Wonderful_ ," Buck breathed, sweeping a mug from beside Hen and grabbing at the pot. Breakfast – or second breakfast, because you never knew how quickly you'd get called out after arriving – with the team was as much a routine as getting dressed in the morning. It felt like a home, it felt like a family, and it was something Buck hadn't realised he'd lacked while growing up until he'd arrived at the 118 and Bobby had insisted on it. It wasn't even something he'd completely realised he'd isolated himself from until Eddie had started pointing out how he'd lost weight and the station all knew he was struggling. After that, he'd started making more of an effort.

Hen squeezed his arm and he lightly bumped his hip into hers, offering her a smile and a wink, as they moved around each other to set the table. Behind them was the sound of Bobby scraping the eggs onto a serving platter while Chimney loaded another pair of sliced bread into the toaster and brought his already piled plate to the table.

Eddie swooped in to sit next to him and Hen sat opposite him and Bobby sat at the head of the table and the conversation swirled around him as jokes were traded and comments were made and plans for the weekend were discussed. From time to time, Buck felt Eddie's knee bump into his beneath the table and it was so hard not to say anything, or to lean over and steal some bacon off Eddie's plate with a cheeky grin, or to curl his fingers around Eddie's wrist and stare at him. He just wanted to reach out and touch, stopping the entire charade that he was somehow _straight_ and just be out to his friends, and open and happy with Eddie.

Except it wasn't that easy because they'd agreed Christopher needed to be told first and then they needed to gauge how Chris truly felt first, because if Chris felt threatened or uncomfortable or unhappy about it, then it would make life even _more_ complicated. Eddie had also admitted while they were lying in bed that he still needed to work out how to label himself because he knew his family would want those sort of details and answers. It gave Buck a small amount of hope that maybe Eddie _wasn't_ completely straight and it would be fine and he was truly okay with what they were building if he was willing to discuss telling his family, but his doubts and recollections of Maddie's concerns still lingered. He knew he'd been hurt before by people he thought were committed to him and he knew he needed to stop being so stupid in getting ahead of himself with naïve optimism.

"So I figure it's time we address the elephant in the room," Bobby said, his voice cutting through the predictions Chimney, Hen and Eddie were making about the calls for the day. Buck stared at a speck of leftover egg on his plate like it had personally betrayed him because at least it meant he didn't have to meet the eyes of the rest of the team. "What happened last shift was…unfortunate. Unless Buck feels like talking about it, we aren't going to bring it up and we aren't going to ask why or what happened. Are we clear?"

Buck caught Chimney, Hen and Eddie nodding around the table from the corner of his eye.

"Buck?"

"Don't wanna talk about it," he mumbled, focusing on the heat emanating from Eddie's leg pressing against his. It was comforting but it was also about the only thing stopping him from bolting from everyone and spending the rest of the shift trying to avoid them.

"Then it's settled. We move on and we focus on today's calls," Bobby said with his best and firmest Captain's voice. "We're a family and we support each other today. Agreed?"

Various versions of "Yes, Cap" filtered around the table. "Eddie, Chim, you're on food clean up. Hen, drinks. Buck? Can I have a word in my office, please?"

Buck's heart-rate almost certainly tripled but he nodded, missing the pressure of Eddie's leg against him as soon as he stood to follow Bobby into his office. There was muted chatter behind him as the other three began clearing dishes and Buck felt like he should've been there too, pitching in after falling apart last shift in an attempt to make up for it. The door to Bobby's office clicked shut as Buck sat on one of the chairs and Bobby's hand brushed against his shoulder as he moved around the desk to sat opposite.

"Evan, you aren't in trouble," Bobby began, and his words, the tone, his body language, reminded Buck of many conversations starting like this when he was growing up. There were teachers, and there were principals, and there was his father. They were all the same, right down to the use of his first name. Although at least with his father, he learned pretty quickly that he most definitely _was_ in trouble and his father just wanted to make him feel comforted and safe for a moment before tearing him apart for some transgression. "I just wanted to check in with you."

"I'm okay," he said automatically, like every other conversation he'd had that began and ended like this. He'd parroted those words so often during his life that it was easy to believe and easy to hear, even though he still felt like his feelings were on a spin-cycle in the washer.

"Buck." Bobby fixed him with a look across the table that Buck struggled to maintain because it was too much, _too much_ , like his father because there was disappointment and doubt and disbelief. He could almost feel himself shrinking away from it. He mentally started chanting ' _It's Bobby_ ' like that was somehow meant to make it easier. "Listen, I'm not going to get mad at you. The safety of everyone on this team depends on every member of the team being okay. The safety of _you_ depends on the others in the team too. You remember the time you spoke to me at Christopher's party about Eddie?"

Buck's eyes rose to meet Bobby's and he managed a small nod. He could hardly forget.

"I was really grateful you told me that he might be having a rough patch because I'm sure we both know Eddie doesn't give much away when he's here, does he?" Bobby said, a faint smile on his face like he knew all about their secret relationship. Or maybe he just knew that Eddie was a closed book when he was on shift, and that was bad enough to Buck. "I'd also like to acknowledge how I didn't listen to you well enough because I let him charge off at that shooting call and I know it rattled him, and I know you took it upon yourself to help him. If I'd listened better, maybe I would have refused to let him speak to Athena."

Buck stared at Bobby as he processed the information because he'd gotten so lost in that call, so worried about Eddie's safety and then his subsequent distress, that he hadn't really thought about how he'd warned Bobby that Eddie was fragile.

"I'll also admit there are times I haven't been okay but I've come to work anyway. You know as well as I do that some shifts are fine and some are absolute hair-raisers and it's okay to say you're not okay." Bobby's eyes softened even as the smile grew. "I knew this kid. He said I should ask for help once in a while."

It took a moment to place what Bobby was referring to and then he inhaled a little too sharply because he also remembered how Bobby had reacted to his suggestion and that…that wasn't something Buck wanted to do. He didn't want to break down. Not for a second shift. Besides, the last time Buck could remember anyone truly calling him out on his attempts to say he was okay was when he was fifteen with a bruised chin and a black eye. But he still didn't admit to anything, despite how much the guidance counsellor had asked. It had been difficult enough making up a story that his father would believe about getting jumped on his walk home.

"I can do my job, Cap," he said, keeping his voice and his gaze as steady as he could manage. "My personal issues were left at the door to my apartment this morning. I'm okay."

Bobby's eyebrows rose, just slightly. "Do you even understand how or why you had that panic attack last shift?"

"I thought we weren't talking about it?"

It was clear Bobby didn't appreciate the petulance that crept into his tone because his gaze narrowed and Buck was back to being reminded of the lectures his father used to dish out. "I'm your Captain, Evan. Talking about it in here is wildly different to them pressing you for details because they're curious mother hens."

Buck's eyes fell to his lap, noting the way his hands were twisted together and his knee was bouncing just slightly. He hesitated – inhaled, exhaled, inhaled, exhaled – and tried to force some of the tension from his body. He tried to imagine folding into Eddie's arms until the anxiety faded. He tried to remember this was his Captain and his friend, not someone who was going to yell at him for letting his feelings get overwhelming.

"All of us always have something going on, Cap," he said slowly, carefully, weighing each word to choose the right one. "I'm sorry for what happened even though I know that the anxiety is- It's something I can usually control and losing it like that is- It's not something that happens very often but I can assure you, I've rested and I'm here and I can do my job today. Isn't that what matters?"

As apologetic as he was, he sensed he was pushing Bobby's patience. Deep down, he knew it was because Bobby _cared_ but this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. Not here, not like this, not when he felt like he was a moment away from being scolded and sent to bed without dinner.

"Just remember my door is always open, okay?" Bobby said, lips pursing together as he gazed at Buck. "I mean it, Buck. You won't get judged here if you ask for help."

Buck nodded, doing his best to smile. He could hear the underlying capitulation that Buck wasn't going to break and start talking. "Thanks, Cap. I've got it."

He could feel Bobby's gaze on him as he fled the room, saved from having to say anything to the others by the alarms ringing at last. Bobby exited his office, calling them to the truck. Eddie caught his eye as they climbed into the truck, eyebrows raised in a silent question. Buck should his head, trying to communicate he was okay even as he made sure their knees would brush together during the ride to the call. They had a job to do. That was where he needed to direct his focus.

* * *

Two calls later, after they'd extricated four bodies from a three car pile-up and helped a woman get off her roof after she'd climbed out a window to fetch her cat, Buck finally got to sit on the couch and pick up a magazine. It wasn't long before Hen sat beside him, holding out a water bottle that he accepted with a quiet, "Thank you." It had already been a long shift and it was far from over.

"I know Cap said not to bring it up," she said, wringing her hands. "I- But _I_ needed to apologise for what I said the other day. I never would have-"

"Hen, I know," he interrupted, closing the magazine and laying a gentle hand over hers. "I'm not mad at you, okay? I don't even know what it was that really set me off. I'll accept your apology if it'll make you feel better but I promise you, it's okay. _I'm_ okay."

A little voice muttered that he really needed to stop saying that.

She looped her arm through his and rubbed the back of where his hand had slipped to cover hers. Feeling comfortable with her, because Hen had always been someone who supported everyone in the house, he lowered his head to her shoulder and smiled slightly when he felt her kiss his head.

"I also wanted to remind you that I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to and you don't want to keep holding the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm not as much of a gossip as Chim and I won't run off to Bobby. I promise you, I _can_ keep it to myself."

He snorted, lightly squeezing her hand. "Thanks, Hen." He felt like she was very much in Mom Mode the way that Bobby or Eddie sometimes went all Dad Mode to ensure he was eating enough, or drinking enough water. In Eddie's case, he frequently checked if Buck was sleeping enough as well as the _quality_ of his sleeping.

They lapsed into silence for a while but it wasn't uncomfortable. Buck could hear Chimney talking to someone downstairs. He thought Bobby was in his office or maybe he was downstairs too. He guessed Eddie was in the gym, because that was where Eddie seemed to spend most of his downtime when they were on shift. Not that Buck minded now that he could run his fingers over the taut lines of muscle beneath his skin and feel the way Eddie shuddered against him. It was thinking about Eddie, and how little they'd actually _done_ and yet how frustrated Buck was that everyone in the station assumed he was straight, that made him want to talk. Hen was…different to the others when it came to him. She always had been.

"What would you say if I- I said it wasn't a mysterious _lady_ friend?" he asked tentatively, stirring her attention towards him even as he kept his gaze trained on the blank television opposite them.

Her breathing didn't change but she did rub her thumb against the back of his hand. "Based on the look on your face the other day, I'd still think there was _someone_ absorbing your interest so…maybe I'd guess at a mysterious _male_ friend?" she said, utterly calm and quiet. He bit his lip, not quite able to say the words out loud, but he did shrug one shoulder in acknowledgement which made her hum thoughtfully. Her hand traced a pattern over the back of his as she pressed another kiss to the top of his head. "I clearly need to get my gaydar recalibrated. Although- Maybe not? You've always seemed very open. I probably just wasn't looking at the right clues."

He nodded, just a little, and she leaned her head against the top of his.

"Is this something that's only just occurred to you? Is that what it was about the other day?"

He shook his head, a wry smile tugging at his lips as he squeezed her hand. "Nah, I've known since before I was a teenager. Maddie's known for _years_."

Her shoulders shook with some quiet chuckles. "Well, Buckaroo, consider me surprised that you've been a card-carrying member of our club and I didn't recognise all the neon signs."

He could feel himself relaxing until it occurred to him that Eddie had worried about Maddie, and he didn't know Hen's ability to keep secrets nearly as well as his sister. "You won't…tell anyone, right?" he said, anxious that she'd say something to someone – _anyone_ – else at the station and it would get back to Eddie and give the whole thing away, or that Christopher would hear about it before Eddie had a chance to tell his son, or that he might ruin the very best thing that had happened to him in a long time because he was desperate to be truer to who he'd known himself to be since he was a kid.

She squeezed his hand, drawing him away from the panicked thoughts that stampeded through his head. "It's not my place to out anyone until they're ready to share it, Buck. I know that better than anyone. I told you I won't tell anyone and I _won't_ , alright?" she promised and Buck could feel some of his defences relaxing. Maybe people at the house really would accept him, and Eddie, and him _and_ Eddie.

If only Eddie could work himself out. As long as Eddie _did_ actually want something real and wasn't just…rebounding from the loss of Shannon and latching onto someone he cared about but couldn't actually… _love_. There were times Buck thought they spent so much time together that it seemed like a logical progression in their friendship, but that was only true in his mind if Eddie had the capacity to actually like men.

Though, to be fair, Buck had had many friends – male and female – that he'd never kissed. He'd certainly never pulled off his shirt and let them touch him like Eddie had. So that…had to count for _something_ , right?

The alarms went off again and they both sighed, Hen squeezing his hand again before they rose from the couch and descended the stairs.

Apparently it was one of those shifts of being run ragged, but at least the calls were a great distraction from his thoughts.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Hen feeeeeeeeeels. I love those two together.
> 
> I don't have many other witty things to say here today, so if you have something witty to say instead to make me smile, drop it in a comment below or get in touch on [Tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/).


	21. Chapter 21

**Word Count:** 5,518  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

"Christopher wants to see you," Eddie said as they wound the hose into a neat coil to stow in the truck.

"Does he?" Buck said, aiming for nonchalant but feeling as though his skin was about two sizes too small after talking to Hen. And he hadn't told Eddie. And the conversation with Hen had been more than a week ago. And he tried to pretend he wasn't feeling guilty or afraid of Eddie's reaction when he found out.

In the time that had elapsed, Buck had traded texts with Eddie and they'd brushed fingertips in the locker room when no one else was around and he'd even stopped by a couple of days ago simply, ostensibly, to kiss until Buck forgot which way was left and right. At the station, though, Buck had started to feel a little like the lost loser loner kid sneaking around in a relationship with the star quarterback. It wasn't that Eddie was mean or rude or ignored him. He just…kept his distance, Buck supposed. Eddie didn't _actively_ seek him out but when they were near each other at the table or in the rig, his touches were ever-present. It was confusing.

And now they were having a completely casual conversation while storing equipment that included Eddie inviting Buck over like he'd done many times but Eddie didn't want anyone knowing until they told Christopher and so he immediately wondered if that meant Christopher knew or Eddie was working up to telling him and so did that mean Eddie had started to figure out how he felt and-

Honestly. His head hurt. It was impossible to discern if this conversation had multiple layers, displayed in front of everyone who had no idea what was going on beneath their noses, or absolutely no layers, because Buck was invited to Eddie's all the time to hang out with Christopher and everyone knew it and teased him about adopting the kid from under Eddie's nose.

"Yeah. The kid's in love with you, I swear." There was so much light behind Eddie's grin, glimmers of hope and amusement that Buck hadn't seen for months, that he could almost believe Eddie's tattered heart was coiling inwards to repair itself even as Buck's heart unravelled in swathes of fear and uncertainty. "Do you want to come over after shift? Eat pizza? Watch a movie?"

Still, Buck was wary of agreeing too quickly. "You don't have other plans?"

"Pizza with my kid and best friend aren't good enough plans?"

It took a bit of the wind out of his sails at Eddie's use of the word 'best friend'. He knew it was all about keeping up appearances of normality, of not tipping off anyone at the station, but Eddie had said he didn't care if others knew.

And here he was, being called a best friend.

His heart twisted and his blood chilled because he feared that when Eddie figured himself out, that was all Buck would ever be.

He tried to smile in a way that didn't look forced, even as Eddie's face wore a very exasperated expression that ordinarily he'd probably laugh at. "I mean, it's your kid that sold me on coming over. I just wanted to check that _you_ actually wanted _me_ there."

Eddie lightly shoved him with the hose, catching him by his jacket so he didn't lose his balance on the kerbing and tumble to the ground to pull him close. "I always want you there, Buck," he murmured so no one else heard it and, just like that, the switch had been flicked again and for a brief moment, Buck let himself believe that this _could_ be real.

His head still hurt.

"See you tonight then," he said, shifting out of Eddie's grasp to turn towards collecting the abandoned crowbars on the footpath as the clean-up of scattered gear from the extinguished house fire continued.

* * *

It wasn't like he was meeting Christopher for the first time, or going over to the Diaz house for the first time, and yet Buck still changed shirts at least four times and his pants twice because it felt like going there this time _mattered_. He still wasn't sure what to label what was going on, even after Eddie had used _us_ , but surely they had moved beyond _just_ friends. Yet Christopher's approval meant a whole lot more to Eddie and Buck than before, and so dressing nicer seemed necessary.

So he changed his shirt again.

When he realised he was probably going to be late if he didn't get a move on, he ran a hand through his already tousled hair, slipped his arms into his jacket and headed out the door. He still fretted the entire drive, wondering if maybe a shirt he'd already tried on would have been better, and he didn't even know _why_ he was so damn restless.

His fingers tapped against the steering wheel, mentally rehearsing all the conversations he could have with Eddie and Christopher during the night and whether this was it, this was the night they told Chris, and then he could be open and honest about how he felt with his sister and the others at the 118 and-

Buck shook his head. He really needed to stop getting so far ahead of himself. Whatever they did or didn't say to Christopher didn't mean Eddie was going to immediately start opening up to everyone at the station. Buck had said he wanted to take this slow. And he was committed to that, for himself and for Eddie. He just hoped it wouldn't come back to bite him later.

He parked his truck behind Eddie's, only realising how empty his hands were as he climbed the stairs to Eddie's porch. Should he have brought drinks over? Or a little gift of something to give to Christopher? But why would he give Christopher a gift out of the blue? Maybe he should leave so he could buy some beers? Or just-

"Dad! Buck's truck is here!"

He flushed as he heard Chris' crutches tapping towards the door, wondering if the kid had been spying out the window and waiting for him, wondering if the kid had seen his restless fidgeting on the walk up to the porch, wondering if the kid had been waiting for him to knock and then frowning in confusion when he hadn't.

"Are you okay with the door?"

"I got this, Dad." There was a scrabble of hands and Buck knew the _thunk_ against the door was Christopher's crutches against the timber, and then there was a _clunk_ of the lock turning and the door finally opened and light from the foyer spilled onto his face.

"Buck!"

Despite all of Buck's nerves on the drive over, he was filled with instant warmth as he took in Christopher's bright grin and enthusiastic greeting.

"Hey, little man. A little birdie told me you wanted to see me."

Chris held out his arms and Buck scrooped him up, propping the kid on his hip with one arm securely underneath him and kissing his cheek. Chris giggled, fingers tugging at Buck's shirt while crutches bumped against his arm. "I _missed_ you, Buck!"

Buck bounced Chris a little as he stepped inside Eddie's house, toeing off his shoes and glancing down the hallway where Eddie was watching them with that soft smile which Buck was starting to associate with the way he held Christopher and loved him like he was his own kid sometimes. "I missed you too, champ. I'm sorry I haven't been by in a couple of weeks."

"It's okay. You're here now."

Buck cradled Chris' head and kissed the top of his hair as he wandered through the corridor towards Eddie. "I am. I'm all yours until bedtime."

"Yay!" Christopher cheered and Buck couldn't help but smile.

"Bud, didn't you have something you wanted to show Buck?" Eddie prompted, eyebrows raising.

"Oh yeah! Stay here, Buck!" Chris said, squirming until Buck put him down and then rushing towards his room.

"Hey," Eddie said, grabbing at Buck's waist and pulling him in for a quick kiss that made his head spin.

He smiled, hand settling on Eddie's arm. "Hey, yourself." None of this might've been what he'd imagined on the drive over but all of this were perfectly acceptable alternatives. "How are you?"

"You're here, I'm great," Eddie said with a kiss to his cheek and a wink when he heard Chris' clattering footsteps headed their way.

Buck didn't get a chance to respond to the way Eddie's words made the butterflies flutter in his stomach because Christopher came into view, a piece of paper clutched in his hand. Eddie's hand slipped from his waist and Buck could feel the warm imprint linger against his skin through his jacket and shirt.

"This is for you," Christopher said when he was close enough, thrusting the paper towards Buck with a shy smile.

He grasped the paper and felt his breath catch, swallowing against the prick of tears that he felt at his eyes. Under a large, printed heading of ' _MY HERO_ ' was a drawing that had to be him because the figure had spiky yellow hair and blue eyes. He was dressed in casual clothes, not his firefighter gear, and his hand was holding what had to be a self-portrait of Chris. The proportions in their heights was off but both figures had large smiles.

"D'you like it?" Christopher asked, his voice filled with nerves as his eyes wandered between Buck and Eddie.

"This is…" His voice cracked as he looked at it, unsure whether he was so thoroughly touched because Chris had drawn _him_ or because of the heading emblazoned at the top of the page. He was Chris' _hero_? It took his breath away and left him feeling more emotional than he knew how to say. He knelt in front of Chris, holding out his hand to beckon the kid closer. "This is amazing, kiddo. _Thank_ you."

Christopher beamed, closing the couple of steps between them to fall into Buck's arms for another cuddle. Buck squeezed him extra tight, inhaling his familiar scent, and taking enormous care not to crush the picture against the kid's back. "I'm glad you like it."

" _Like_ it? I _love_ it," he assured, pressing noisy kisses all over Chris' hair and making the kid giggle and push him away.

Eddie ruffled his fingers through Christopher's hair, his other hand resting lightly on Buck's shoulder. "Told you, bud. Buck's a big softie."

" _Softie_?" Buck protested as Christopher laughed, clasping his hand around Buck's fingers and dragging him towards the couch. "I'm no _softie_."

Christopher made him sit on the couch and crawled into his lap, hands curling into Buck's shirt as he fixed his big eyes and bright grin on Buck. "Did Dad tell you about the bird in the park we saw last week?"

"He didn't, but I'd love you to tell me," Buck said with a smile as Eddie wandered in and flopped onto the couch next to them. Eddie's arm draped along the back of the couch, fingertips brushing against the back of Buck's neck. He fought the shiver that the gesture created, glancing at Eddie accusingly who didn't even _attempt_ to look contrite about the effect his actions were having, and forced his attention towards Christopher telling him a story about a coloured bird that he'd spent the rest of the week trying to draw in class at school.

* * *

Christopher had been dozing against him for a while, tucked under his armpit and fingers loose against his chest. Eddie had turned the subtitles on for the movie when Chris had finally started to nod off, catching Buck's eyes.

"You okay with him there?" Eddie murmured, thumb smoothing circles against the back of Buck's neck and continuing to distract him from most of whatever was happening in the film.

"He's good," Buck said, nosing a kiss among the curls. "I can carry him to bed when the movie finishes."

"You sure?"

"Promise," Buck said, tilting his head to rub his cheek on Eddie's arm and then planting a kiss on the crook of Eddie's elbow. "It's... It's comforting being able to hold him. After everything, it's- it's reassuring. It helps with the anxiety. That he's okay."

"You still feel that?"

Buck looked down at Chris' face, the sweet slackness of dreamlessness as he breathed through slightly parted lips. It was enough of an answer to Eddie's question as he touched Chris' cheek like he was handling a butterfly. "How is he?"

"He's good." Eddie's fingers scraped at some of the hair at the back of his neck and Buck felt his concentration waver. "He still has the occasional bad night but they're few and far between these days."

Buck hated that Chris still had _anything_ from that day that haunted him, especially when he was such a radiant beacon of hope and light when he was awake. Cradling Christopher's jaw lightly, he stroked his thumb over the arch of his cheekbone and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

Eddie lightly tugged at his hair, obviously aware of the guilt that pooled in Buck's stomach. "Hey. It's not your fault."

"I know." It was a natural disaster. It was a tsunami. He couldn't control it. He'd done his best. He'd saved Christopher. They'd both survived. He _knew_ all of that. But Chris feeling any pain due to an accident or misfortune still hurt Buck. And Buck knew how much the tsunami still affected him. "I know, Eddie."

Eventually his attention drifted back to the TV but he wasn't really sure what was happening in the movie because Eddie's fingers were still against his hair and his neck and distracting him as well as grounding him in the present so he didn't spin into the past. He tried to soothe his jangled nerves by concentrating on the weight of Chris against him, consciously trying to detach the demons from his mind that still lurked around him. When the movie ended and the screen rolled with credits, Eddie switched off the TV and quirked his brows towards Christopher.

"Bedtime for the little guy. You sure you want to carry him?"

"It's fine," Buck said, scooting an arm beneath Chris' thighs and folding the kid into his chest. Chris stirred, mumbling a sleepy protest as Buck rose to his feet. "Bed is more comfy than me, champ."

"Mmm… Don't wanna," Chris said as Buck moved slowly towards his room, swaying Chris from side to side as he kissed his hair. "You're warm."

He repressed a chuckle, poking a foot to Chris' door until it opened and he was using his instincts to remember how many steps until he reached the bed. "I gather all the heat from the fires like a superhero so I can keep you warm."

Chris hummed, his grip tightening instinctively when Buck lowered to the bed and gently set Christopher among the blankets. "Don't leave, Buck."

"I'm right here," he assured, sitting on the edge. In the faint light spilling from the family room, he could see Chris' eyes struggled to stay open as Buck ran fingers through the curls. "Your dad and I aren't going anywhere, kiddo."

It was maybe a step further than he wanted to go, or that Eddie was ready for, but a sleepy smile crept over Chris' face. "You make him happy," Chris whispered, like it was a secret he was admitting right on the cusp of falling asleep.

"Yeah?" Now it was his turn to have a dopey smile because he'd never really thought of himself as someone that could make Eddie Diaz _happy_. He never thought he'd really have the chance to do something like that. "He makes me happy too."

"Do I make you happy?"

He leaned down to press a kiss to Chris' forehead, tracing fingertips over the curves of his face. "You make me the _happiest_ , buddy."

Chris' eyes flickered open again, a satisfied glimmer in their depths as he met Buck's gaze. "I love you, Buck."

Buck felt like his stomach and tongue coiled into knots even as his heart expanded several more sizes in his chest because he just felt so _much_ for this kid. But if Chris couldn't accept his relationship with Eddie, or Eddie decided he didn't love him or they couldn't be together, he also knew he was risking so much that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to live with himself.

"I love you too, my little angel."

He stayed with Chris long after the boy had fallen asleep, fingers stroking through the blond curls and quietening anxieties until Buck almost felt lulled to sleep too by the sound of Chris' steady breathing.

"Sleep well," he whispered, offering a final feather-light kiss to Chris' hair before he retreated from the room, fumbling along the wall for the nightlight and then leaving the door slightly ajar. He returned to where Eddie was sprawled against the couch reading something on his phone and looking dangerously close to dropping it on his face. "Hey."

Eddie's eyes brightened when Buck reappeared, setting his phone on the coffee table and holding out a hand that Buck grasped. He let Eddie lure him into a kiss, sinking onto the couch on top of Eddie and bracketing his shoulders as he tried to keep some of his weight off. He smiled, eyelids drooping with contentment, when Eddie's other hand cradled his cheek.

"Can I ask?" Eddie murmured as he adjusted his legs, which allowed Buck to settle a little more weight against the couch.

He forced at least one eye open, eyebrow raised.

"You…said holding Christopher helped you," Eddie said uncertainly, fingertips dancing over Buck's birthmark. "Is that… Are you still feeling all that?"

Buck hesitated, his eyes falling away from Eddie's and wishing he wasn't so thoroughly wrapped in Eddie's embrace so he could either pull away or hide. It was enough of an answer though. It always had been when Eddie asked him so directly.

"Buck…" Eddie sighed, the fingers against his cheek tightening slightly. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

Buck shrugged, cuddling into Eddie's chest in an attempt to avoid his concerned stare. He could feel Eddie's gentle, steady heartbeat against him, the slow expansion and contraction of his ribcage. Fingers traced down his spine, soothing and slightly ticklish at the same time. He wondered if he'd ever tire of the quiet moments like this where he felt like most of his problems melted away.

"Evan?" Eddie prompted, clearly unwilling to let any of this go and reminding Buck far too much of his insistent older sister once he got going. And maybe Bobby. And also Hen. He didn't include Chim because he always suspected the guy just wanted new ammunition to tease him about, but he knew Chim cared in his own way.

"I'm always anxious," he said, like it was an excuse and a reason and everything in between all rolled into one simple, three-word sentence. "So yes, Eddie, I still have nightmares. They aren't always about the tsunami, they aren't always about the bombing, but sometimes they're vivid and they're awful. And the ones where I lose Christopher are…" He shook his head against Eddie's chest, biting the inside of his cheek. "They're far scarier than anything that happens to me."

Eddie ran a hand through his hair. "You _really_ need to stop holding all of this in, Buckley."

And Buck… He knew he couldn't deny he had a problem. Not to Eddie. Not when Eddie had been a self-destructing, ticking timebomb too. Not when Eddie had held him after the nightmares or brought him back from a panic attack. Eddie would just repeatedly call him out on his shit. He wouldn't even put it past Eddie to drive him to a therapist's office like they were going somewhere exciting, dump him in the chair, and then flee the room like Buck was some sort of dog that was going to the vet for the next round of shots.

"Please, can we stop talking about this?" he said, shifting against Eddie until he could prop his chin against Eddie's sternum and look up at him with a slight pout. "Please? I'd much rather spend this time kissing you than talking about all _this_."

He could tell Eddie wanted to keep pressing against the festering wound from the concerned look in his eyes, so Buck made the decision for him – sneaking a hand under Eddie's Henley and dipping fingers into the grooves of his abs that he'd spent an hour memorising. Eddie's eyes fluttered, the determined look faltering as his lower lip parted around a breath.

"You're playing dirty," Eddie mumbled, making a small grin break across Buck's lips.

"Oh, _this_ is what you call dirty?" he mused, leaning forward and then pausing, just out of reach of Eddie's mouth as his fingers inched higher. Eddie's muscles quivered beneath his touch, an intensity gathering in his darkening eyes as Buck maintained the eye contact without flinching. " _This_ is dirty?"

"It is," Eddie confirmed, the hand that had been in his hair a moment ago securing against the back of his neck in the same spot it had been all night while slowly driving Buck crazy. "Are we going to do this here or move it to the bedroom?"

"Chris?"

"Would sleep through a tornado," Eddie said and Buck couldn't do the whole self-restraint thing any longer. He leaned in, grasping at Eddie's shoulder as they kissed and feeling as though his body was increasingly speckled with spots of heat and need because Eddie was quickly becoming more confident with his tongue, and where to place his hands, and how to get Buck shifting over him, and Buck… It had been a _long_ time since he'd let anyone really manhandle him the way Eddie did but he revelled in it, the way Eddie was rapidly learning how to adapt his knowledge of sex to leave Buck breathless and wanting.

"Bedroom?" he said when the curve of Eddie's rough palm slotted against one of the curves of Buck's ribs.

"Please," Eddie mumbled between the kisses and even though Buck really didn't want to move because that was awkward and difficult and required more effort than he was willing to make, he pulled Eddie to his feet. Eddie grasped at his cheeks with both hands as he closed the small, two-inch height difference between them to kiss him until he was dizzy and clinging to Eddie's trim waist with trembling fingers.

"What…was that for?" he said, gazing at Eddie while he tried to collect all his errant thoughts into something resembling coherency. Which was hard when it still felt like he was seeing fireworks behind his eyes and feeling them explode in his stomach.

Eddie shrugged, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth and the tip of his nose. "Because I can."

Which…seemed like a perfectly acceptable reason to Buck. He grasped at one of Eddie's hands and led the way to his bedroom while Eddie attempted to turn off the living room light. Buck barely got the door closed before he was reaching for the hem of Eddie's shirt and it was only because Eddie made a ragged hushing noise that Buck didn't moan as loudly as he wanted to when he felt the scrape of Eddie's teeth against the junction of his shoulder and neck.

* * *

Tendrils of light were creeping through the curtains the following morning when Buck awoke, Eddie's weight comfortably spread across his bare chest as the other man continued to sleep. He smiled as he took in the slightly parted lower lip as Eddie exhaled through his mouth, and the way Eddie's eyelashes feathered across his skin, and the shadows that criss-crossed the bits of exposed tan skin where the sheet had slipped to his waist during the night.

He leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling and released a slow breath of happiness, wondering if this was truly something he was _allowed_ to want or have. It seemed too good to be true that he had Eddie in his arms _and_ Christopher accepted and loved him. After everything that had happened, after everything they had _both_ gone through in the past twelve months, Buck still struggled to believe he deserved it or was allowed to truly accept it.

"Stop thinking," Eddie mumbled, his voice rough with sleep, and Buck hid a smile by biting his lower lip, threading fingers through mussed brunette hair as Eddie stirred slightly against him. "s'too early for thinking, Buckley. Go back t'sleep."

"Okay," he whispered, gazing at the lines of Eddie's face as they smoothed out and he drifted beneath the thin layer of consciousness again.

Buck must've also dozed off for a little while because when he woke again, he distinctly felt like he was being watched. He rubbed a hand across his face, expecting to find Eddie staring at him and he had a teasing comment on his lips as he opened his eyes.

What he found instead nearly made him shriek.

" _Chris_!" he said, a strangled sort of gasp at the kid leaning against the doorframe with a goofy smile on his face. "Uh- Good morning, bud."

"Hi." Chris folded his little arms over his chest and reminded Buck far too much of Diaz Senior when he wanted to pin Buck down for an answer to something important. "Why are you in my Dad's bed?"

Buck floundered for an answer, especially one that could explain why neither of them had shirts. And Eddie was sprawled across his chest. At least Eddie had insisted they put on pants before falling asleep. He could be grateful for that.

"It, uh…got really late so your dad let me stay over," he whispered, gesturing nervously towards Eddie against him. "And we got…really overheated. With all the blankets. And I didn't have my pyjamas with me. And your dad-"

"He doesn't usually wear a shirt to bed anyway," Chris said with a shrug, inching into the room and then clambering onto the bed beside Buck, his face inches from Eddie's. "He looks peaceful."

Buck glanced down at Eddie as he stretched out his arm so Christopher could tuck into the crook of his armpit again. With the increased light spilling through a gap in the curtains, he could see what Chris meant. There was usually something guarded about Eddie, something in his expression that was always laced with a hint of uncertainty as well as plenty of furious determination. It often made Buck's skin flush when Eddie looked at him like that, and he'd certainly felt his blood pulse faster in his veins when Eddie had looked like that last night. But like this, fast asleep and with all the tension erased from his face, he looked younger and calmer and less like a veteran, and a firefighter, and a single parent, who was always trying to hold the world on his shoulders.

"He reminds me of your sleepy face last night in my arms," Buck teased and Christopher hushed a soft giggle, his curls tickling Buck's arm. Then his expression sobered, his head tilting so he could meet Buck's eyes and something shy in his smile.

"Buck? Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, buddy."

"Do you like my dad?"

He froze, eyes almost certainly widening as his gaze flicked between Eddie – still fast asleep – and Chris – very awake and alert. The obvious answer to the question was _yes, of course_ but he had a feeling Chris was prodding at something deeper than them simply being friends. There was a nervous curiosity to his voice that was definitely searching for something more than just _liking_ Eddie, like Chris was trying to determine if he could trust Buck with his father's heart. He doubted Christopher had the ability to think through all that – he was still only a kid – but he knew the kid was perceptive and smart. Chris had seen his father love and lose Shannon, so it would make sense that he was protective of his father's feelings and anyone that entered their two-some bubble.

"I… Yeah, Chris, I do," he admitted. Like Eddie, Buck didn't want to lie to Chris. Not when he needed Chris onboard with him and Eddie so they could start actually working out what all this was turning into. Not when he wanted to keep his relationship with Chris honest and full of warmth and love so that the kid could come to him about anything. "I really, really do."

"Good," Chris said, curling towards Buck's body and his father and touching his small hand to the skin above Buck's heart. "I like how happy he is when he's with you, Buck."

Buck dropped a kiss to Chris' hair and lightly set his spare hand between the wings of Eddie's shoulder blades, careful to avoid waking him. "I like how happy you _both_ make me."

Chris smiled, head settling against Buck's shoulder and lying quietly against him. Buck wondered what he'd done to be rewarded with this opportunity. What sort of God had nearly killed him so many times, had actually taken Chris away from him for hours in the middle of an absolute crisis, and yet had allowed him to have the two Diaz guys snuggled against him in the early light of morning like he belonged in their family? He could see himself becoming far too comfortable wanting this every morning and that was…terrifying, if he were honest.

It was maybe half an hour before Eddie finally started to stir and shift, sleepy mumblings that were half-English and half-Spanish and utterly incomprehensible to Buck but they made Chris giggle. Which made Eddie go very still before his eyes snapped open, catching his son staring at him with big eyes behind his lenses from his position of being perched on Buck's shoulder.

"Christopher."

"Dad," Chris echoed with a touch of sweet innocence.

"What…are you doing here?"

"He was up early," Buck explained with an amused grin as Eddie's eyes swept over Christopher first before meeting Buck's gaze. "We decided to have a cuddle party and stare at you while you slept."

"Yeah! You looked so happy to be sleeping that we didn't wanna wake you."

A faint smile twitched Eddie's lips as he shifted some of his weight off Buck's body to press against his side, an arm draping over Buck's torso so that he could curl his hand around Christopher's waist on Buck's other side.

"Does this mean you're gonna kiss now?" Christopher said suddenly and Eddie's eyes flashed to meet Buck's, a flicker of fear evident around the edges and all the tranquillity from his sleeping face replaced with the guarded tension that Buck was more familiar with.

"He, uh…asked if I liked you," Buck said, eyeing Eddie's reaction carefully.

"He said yes," Chris supplied helpfully and Buck wondered if his face flushed with embarrassment as much as he felt it did with the way Eddie's eyebrows arched at him. "Do you like Buck, Dad?"

Eddie hesitated and for a moment, Buck thought his heart was about to be dropped over the edge of a cliff. Then Eddie smiled, that small, soft smile which always seemed reserved for him and Chris.

"Yeah, bud. I do." His hand rubbed against Christopher's waist, inadvertently lifting Buck's heart off the edge of a very painful and dark precipice and almost certainly making it easier to breathe. "How does that make _you_ feel?"

"I like Buck too," Christopher said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and he hadn't said it a thousand times before.

"So you reckon we should keep him?" Eddie teased, a sparkle entering his eyes that still made Buck gape in mock protest and look between the two of them.

"What am I? A _puppy_?"

Christopher snorted around a fit of giggles.

Eddie nuzzled a soft kiss to Buck's shoulder and Buck didn't miss how some of the tension leeched from Eddie's shoulder blades when Chris didn't make any sort of adverse comment to the gesture. "Puppies are better behaved."

"They eat almost as much as you though," Chris pointed out, eyes wide behind his glasses. Buck turned his outraged expression on the kid, who burst into fresh laughter. Though that might also have been something to do with Eddie wriggling his fingers against Chris' skin to tickle him within an inch of his life.

"What _is_ this? Why am I being targeted so brutally first thing in the morning?"

Eddie just smiled, capturing his lips in a tentative kiss that had Chris making some sort of "Awwww" sound in the background. "Teasing is what the Diaz family does, cariño."

Buck kissed Eddie's cheek, then pressed a noisy one to Chris' forehead. He couldn't believe this could all be so easy and free and _light_. He couldn't believe he could have something that made him feel so warm and full.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTOPHER DIAZ IS THE CUTEST SWEETEST BEAN AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. 
> 
> The next bunch of chapters are shorter than this one. Not necessarily enormously so but...still shorter because of scenes and plot breaks.
> 
> Please join me in teasing Buck with Eddie and Chris and smiling at the cute image of Chris gazing at his sleeping daddy, yes? Yes. What else did you like? Let me know below or find me on my [Tumblr](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/).


	22. Chapter 22

**Word Count:** 2,245  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

If Buck had expected that Christopher knowing about – and accepting – that he and Eddie were now kissing, and that that would cause some sort of seismic change in Eddie's disposition in his attitude or behaviour around the station, then he really needed to recalibrate his expectations and understanding of how Eddie operated.

Outside of the firehouse, Eddie stopped by when they weren't on-shift or frequently invited him over. When Christopher was there, they spent plenty of time together talking about activities for the weekend that the three of them could do or watching movies or TV shows that were age-appropriate for the kid. When Chris wasn't around, they'd sometimes shared memories that didn't sting – Buck quickly learned that Shannon was still a sensitive topic, while Eddie generally avoided mentioning the tsunami, the bombing, or Buck's parents.

And sometimes, but only when Chris wasn't around, they didn't talk much at all. There'd been two occasions that Eddie hadn't even waited to check if Buck was alone in his apartment before kissing him and Buck's back collided with his closed door, hands fumbling for skin or fabric as he sank into Eddie's touches. Those were the times that, afterwards, he'd felt more like Buck 1.0 than Buck 2.0, forgetting to articulate what he wanted or needed and just giving himself over to the feelings that Eddie's hand and mouth evoked in him. He was hardly an idiot. He wasn't going to complain about _that_ to Eddie.

But the other times, the times where Eddie used his superior control and patience – because Buck had yet to learn any of it – and they were a tangle of limbs while Buck stared into warm brown eyes and basked in the comfort of Eddie's fingertips on his cheek, or the back of his neck, or trailing down his side… Those times, Buck almost forgot about all the turmoil that Eddie could cause within him.

Explaining the turmoil was simple: at the firehouse, it was like Eddie was a different person. Buck would almost go as far to say Eddie had an identical twin brother that showed up for shifts like some sort of Jekyll and Hyde situation where he had no recollection of who Buck was or what they'd done in the time since their last shift. Sometimes he observed Eddie from across the room, the guy utterly oblivious to his watchful gaze, and he wondered if he should suggest Eddie get checked out for some sort of amnesia because of…what, his time in Afghanistan causing some sort of brain damage? It sounded absurd.

At the firehouse, Eddie kept some sort of distance from Buck. They still sat together at meals, still worked alongside one another on a call when Bobby paired them up, and still changed in the same space, but Eddie… The warmth in Eddie's expression that Buck saw when they were hanging out at Eddie's house or Buck's apartment was gone. It wasn't even like Eddie looked at him with the barely constrained rage of the lawsuit, because this was… It was a sort of indifference, with his lips pressed together in a thin line and his arms crossed so that he seemed aloof and closed off.

And Buck… All it did was leave him more and more confused. Was it his fault for suggesting they take it slow? It wasn't as though he could blame Eddie for giving him mixed signals because he'd made it clear when they weren't at the station how he felt, and Chris knew and still adored Buck, but at the station… At the station, Eddie's behaviour was turning his head inside out.

"You're awfully quiet today," Hen said as she settled on the couch beside him, draping her arm over the back of the couch and ruffling his hair like Eddie had done almost a month ago. A fucking _month_ of Christopher being okay with them as a _them_ and _still_ no sign of telling anyone anything at the station. Should he suggest changing the 'slow' tune to something a little faster? "Did you sleep okay?"

Truth be told, he'd been barely sleeping the past fortnight but that was more because his thoughts were keeping him awake rather than a return of the nightmares. There _had_ been some awful dreams that included him in some sort of dark, perilous situation like a house fire with too much toxic smoke. He always felt like someone was there, someone who could save him, but that someone remained just out of reach and never gave him a hand or any sort of acknowledgement. Instinctively or otherwise, he always knew that person was Eddie when he was asleep. Every time he woke up alone, he was yelling Eddie or Chris' names and then his blood iced in his veins and he was left with the hammering heart and clutched sheets that had become so familiar to him for almost a year.

"Just a lot on my mind," he said, shooting her what he hoped was a satisfactory smile.

"We missed you at Bobby's Easter dinner," she said, failing to buy into his deflection because her eyebrows rose behind her glasses, her shoulder brushing against his. "Trouble in paradise?"

He sighed, eyes flicking around to check if anyone else was in the vicinity but it seemed like Eddie was downstairs like always and maybe Chim was with him. He thought Bobby had gone to his office to jot notes about the last call because you never knew when the alarms would call you to the next one. "You ever feel like someone matters a lot to you but you're not sure how much you matter to them?"

Hen's lips pursed as she surveyed him, her fingers scraping through the hair at the back of his head. "I used to feel that way with Eva sometimes," she admitted after a very long pause. "I wanted her to be healthy and involved in Denny's life but she always struggled to stay clean for me, or for him, or for herself."

It…wasn't really the comparison Buck was trying to make – he didn't think Eddie was an addict – but he could make the connection between how Hen had interpreted his question and what he'd actually asked. On the one hand, it wasn't an answer. On the other hand, it was Hen's acknowledgement that she understood an imbalance of care for someone.

"Is this about Abby?"

He looked at her in surprise before realising what she meant and shaking his head. Abby… Yeah. She'd done this to him too, sort of. Giving him hope and warmth and making him a better person and then just…vanishing on her overseas trip, posting Instagram updates about her travels but never responding to his many messages. He'd been so confused about Abby for so long too, crashing at her apartment because he thought she'd wanted him to look after it rather than realising he was basically just a BnB user. He'd never really understand what their relationship was either. She'd provided comfort, and a maternal sort of affection and love that he'd never really had before, and she'd asked him on dates and they'd shared laughs. In some ways, probably because of Christopher, Eddie showed a lot of paternal affection and love that was equally foreign to Buck. Both times, he'd basked in it like a dying flower soaking in the sun and the water until he was blossoming again under the care and ministrations.

But…this wasn't about Abby, right? Eddie was nothing like Abby, and certainly how he _felt_ for Eddie was nothing like Abby.

He put his head in his hands because he really didn't understand himself anymore, shaking his head even as his frustration spiked. He'd never been good at working out how he felt about other people, especially when he was in some sort of romantic relationship, and this thing with Eddie felt like it was a complete mess. Chris had known for a whole freaking month and he still felt like he was sneaking around behind the backs of all their co-workers.

"No, it… It's not about Abby," he muttered between his fingers, rubbing at his eyes and exhaling while Hen rubbed a hand up and down his back. At the end of the day, he felt certain of at least _that_. "It's more than that and it's- I'm tired of feeling like I only matter some of the time."

Hen hummed beside him, her hand moving across his shoulder blades and down again. "You know the only way you'll ever really know what you mean to someone is to ask, right?"

"But that might blow everything up." He propped his head on his hand, elbow digging into his knee, so he could look at her. "It might all go to hell."

He doubted it even as he said the words. Surely he mattered enough to Eddie that what was between them wouldn't explode? But… But what if it did? All his old fears that had led to him suppressing his feelings for so long burst into life behind his eyes again. What if he lost Eddie and what their relationship had been developing into, and then he simultaneously lost his best friend too? And then if he lost Eddie – in any form – he'd lose Christopher too? And then-

"Hey." Hen squeezed his shoulder, pulling him away from the abyss. "Even if it blows everything up, you have your answer. Isn't that better than not knowing?"

Buck knew the logical answer was _yes_ but the emotional answer was a whole lot of _no_.

"You deserve to feel like you matter all the time, Buckaroo," she murmured, and it sounded so very motherly that he almost smiled. "If you're feeling like someone's dirty little secret sidepiece, then that's a really shitty way to feel when you're investing your heart in a relationship."

He blinked, realising that she had come close to hitting the nail on the head even though he'd never use those sorts of words if he talked to Eddie about it. He could imagine Eddie failing to understand how he felt when outside of the house, he was so affectionate. He could imagine how hurt Eddie would be when he realised all the toxic negativity and doubt that he allowed to wrap around him.

He opened his mouth to respond when the alarms went off. She shot him a commiserating smile, squeezing his shoulder again, before they moved towards the staircase.

Buck couldn't meet Eddie's eyes in the back of the truck and he didn't think Eddie even tried to look at him.

And even though he knew they _hadn't_ had a fight which explained all the distance in Eddie's expression, he felt sick with the realisation that he couldn't see any other way to discuss how he felt _without_ it leading to an argument.

They were both too irrational with their emotional fuses for it to end any other way.

* * *

Maybe one day, Buck wouldn't be so surprised by how quickly his anxiety could darken his emotions and how thoroughly he dwelled on those darkened thoughts until he withdrew under the guise of protecting those around him from how he felt.

The more aware he became of Eddie's distance at the station, the higher Buck built the wall around his heart. He knew Hen was right, in her own sort of way, that he had invested his heart but he didn't really believe Eddie had when he could be so ambivalent at the station. He also knew Hen was right that he should just ask but he was increasingly terrified of ruining _everything_ by asking a stupid question that led to him losing Christopher as well. And then one night it had occurred to him again how he risked more than just the two Diaz's, because a division between Eddie and Buck would fracture the family at the 118 that still felt tenuously held together sometimes after the lawsuit. If things went badly, he decided he'd be the one that left the station. He couldn't continue working alongside Eddie but he knew Eddie needed the others to help support him and Chris. Not to mention Buck wasn't sure he'd ever be able to look Bobby, Hen or Chim in the eyes again.

He'd deal with Maddie's relationship with Chim, and the difficulty of completely extricating himself from all the ties of the house, at some other distant point.

Once he withdrew though, once the wall was high enough to hide behind, it became easier to function at work. He could listen to Bobby's commands and follow Eddie's lead without question, and he stopped letting himself think so he could just… _do_. It surprised him how easily he could turn off his feelings now that he needed to avoid being hurt, now that he was trying to steel his resolve and shield his heart from breaking. He wondered if that was why Eddie was so closed off at work – he needed to avoid being hurt. Because if Buck had become certain of anything lately, it was the knowledge that Eddie _would_ break his heart.

"Hey."

Eddie's hand caught his arm as he went to leave the locker room after a shift, already dressed in his civvies even though Eddie was still very much in all his gear after unloading the truck. It had been more than a fortnight since his conversation with Hen and he'd been making terrible excuses and dodging Eddie's attempts to hang out ever since. He remembered how badly he'd let Chris down because of the lawsuit and he felt like he was doing it again but it was impossible to be around Eddie when they didn't have a station of people around or calls to distract him. He knew Eddie would see straight through him, call him out, and everything would disintegrate.

Eddie's fingers flexed against his skin. "Are you coming over later?"

Buck's eyes focused on a point somewhere above Eddie's head. "Maddie wanted to hang out," he lied, trying for some sort of apologetic smile as his gaze slid towards Eddie's wary expression. "Maybe some other time?"

"Yeah…" Eddie's fingers slipped from his arm, flooding his stomach with ice even though his flesh felt branded with the imprint. "I, uh… I'll text you?"

"Sure," he said with a vague sort of nod, exiting the changeroom and fleeing towards his truck without a backwards glance. If he had, maybe he would have seen the creased brow and lost look of Eddie's confusion staring after him.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something something there's still fifteen chapters to go something something miscommunication something something we didn't expect it all to be over and easy did we?
> 
> .....*innocent smile*......


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE TO SCREAM ABOUT THE FACT THAT ARTS WERE MADE FOR ME! Please click [here](https://an-alternate-world.tumblr.com/post/626238705802395648/ronordmann-tread-lightly-by) to see and then go screech and flail at [Ro](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/) with me because ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it made my day yesterday and I can't stop smiling and bouncing. Thank you, my lovely!!! 😍😍😍😍😍

**Word Count:** 2,821  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** References to excessive alcohol consumption, a panic attack, and references to gun violence.

* * *

The trouble with drinking, Buck decided when everything was a little fuzzy around the edges, was that it didn't really _help_ or _solve_ anything. Drowning himself with the alcohol did nothing to drown the weight of his feelings and insecurities and anxieties. Not when he needed to drown those so he could think straight again.

And yet, for another night in a string of so many lately, he found himself curled onto his couch with a diminishing bottle of vodka and an increasing amount of hysteria and despair and knowledge that he was on the precipice of destroying _everything_.

His phone clattered across the coffee table in front of him and he sighed, seeing Maddie's photo as he picked it up and swiped at the screen.

"Buck?" she shouted, some sort of cacophonous noise making it difficult to hear her. Not to mention Buck was a bit slow on the comprehension of what was going on around him anyway.

"Maddie?"

"Buck, I'm _sorry_. Next time you want to use me as a cover story for whatever you're doing, you need to tell me."

He frowned, covering his free ear like that would somehow help him understand her better. "What?"

"I posted a photo," she explained, and there was a shout in the background and then some of the noise reduced. "I posted a photo and then I had a text from Eddie telling me to make sure you didn't drink too much so I replied that you weren't with us. I'm guessing from his response, he thought you were? So I'm s-"

Shit.

So Eddie knew he'd lied.

 _Shit_.

Shit shit _shit_.

"It's okay. He just wanted to hang out this evening and I didn't," he said, because he really didn't need her to put any puzzle pieces together and start making assumptions and ask Chimney questions and then everything spiralled. "It'll be fine."

"You sure?"

He forced a smile even as a stray tear spilled down his cheek. "Positive. Go back to enjoying your night, Mads."

"Okay. Love you!"

"Love you too," he said, and she ended the call and Buck was left alone with the glowing phone in his hand, tempting him and mocking him to call Eddie, or text Eddie, or say _anything_ to Eddie that could make up for this.

But he couldn't.

Because then he'd just be adding to the lies and Eddie almost certainly would see through him now.

Blessedly, his phone didn't light up with accusatory texts or calls from Eddie.

He put his phone back on the coffee table and swallowed another couple of mouthfuls of vodka, wincing at how cheap and nasty it was and settling back on the couch to continue to sink into his maudlin and miserable thoughts...

He awoke with a start, body jerking and cushion flipping off his stomach and onto the floor. He didn't even remember falling asleep but based on the uncomfortable twists of and sharp pains in his limbs, he had and he'd been stuck like a crumpled pretzel for a while.

He groaned and then realised what must have woken him – another knock at his door.

Rubbing a hand across his face and stretching his neck from one side to the other as much as he dared, he stumbled to his feet and shuffled to the door. His head swam and the floor beneath him undulated. He glanced at the time on his oven and saw it was early in the morning and sighed. So he'd slept all night on the couch then. No wonder his mouth felt like a sandpit and his head felt like all those collapsing animals from _The Lion King_ had landed on his brain.

He unlocked the door and paused, eyes sweeping over Eddie. Eddie, who had his hands in the pockets of his jeans and wore a pale grey Henley. Eddie, who was rocking slightly onto his heels. Eddie, who had his lips in a tight line and his eyebrows furrowed over shadowed eyes.

"Hi."

Buck swallowed around the difficult lump of dryness in his mouth. "Hi," he said, his voice rough with fatigue or maybe too much alcohol. Who could be sure? Did it even matter?

"Can I-?" Eddie began, making an aimless sort of wave of his hand towards Buck's apartment.

There hadn't been this much awkwardness between them in…months and months and _months_. Not since the tsunami. Not since the lawsuit. Not since he'd left Eddie's house in the middle of the night. Not since Eddie had confronted him that he wasn't okay. It made Buck's stomach quiver with discomfort because everything he'd been dreading was finally here.

He left the door open and padded towards his kitchen, intent on hydrating so that he could actually produce words. It wasn't until he'd retrieved a glass and filled it that he heard the door close behind him and Eddie's tentative steps towards the kitchen.

"You know, if you'd wanted to drink alone, you could've just said that," Eddie said and Buck stared at the leaves outside his window, trying to hold the glass of water steady. "You don't have to lie to me, Buck."

Buck swallowed the water and set the glass in the sink, fingers curling against the edge as he next tried to organise all his thoughts and feelings into some sort of coherency. "I can't tell you the truth, either."

"What?"

Buck turned, the counter uncomfortable against his back where once he'd been unable to feel it. Eddie stood on the opposite side of the kitchen island, gazing at him in utter consternation. "You heard me."

"Yeah, but I- I don't understand it," Eddie said with a slow shake of his head, the furrow of his eyebrows deepening. "There's nothing you can't tell me."

"Isn't there?" Buck folded his arms across himself, reinforcing the defences around his wall. "What if I needed to tell you at the station?"

Eddie blinked. "Buck-"

"Don't pretend like you care _now_ when you sure as hell don't care _then_." And maybe he shouldn't have had so much to drink last night, or maybe he should have slept in his bed, or maybe he could have thought of a better way to approach this. Although he _had_ thought through numerous ways to approach this and none of them had seemed plausibly positive.

"You're my best friend. Of course I care!" Eddie retorted but he didn't seem to realise the ramifications of what he'd said.

Not like Buck.

His eyes slipped to focus on the cabinet in front of him. "That's just it though, isn't it?" he said quietly, swallowing the hysteria to keep his voice even. "I'm your _best friend_. Not… Not something more."

"Buck, that's-"

"You said Christopher had to be told first, that he had to be okay with it," Buck continued as if Eddie wasn't trying to protest. "He's known for almost two months and he still loves me, loves _us_. Except maybe there isn't actually an _us_ and he and I are the fools."

The breath Eddie sucked in was audible from the other side of the kitchen, the shaky whistle of his inhalation making it clear that even though Buck's words were soft, his meaning still carried. The hurt and pain etched in his tone was unmistakable too.

"I can't do this anymore," he admitted, his voice cracking when he dared to glance up at Eddie and catching the way the brown eyes shimmered in a pool of unshed tears. "I can't keep having you some of the time, feeling like this is…this is _something_ and then we go to work and you pretend like I'm _nothing_. I just- I _can't_ , Eddie. I feel like you're ashamed of me and I-"

" _Ashamed_?" Eddie interrupted, trying to cover up a sniff with a cough and failing miserably at both. "Buck, I- I'm not _ashamed_ of you. I- I'm- I grew comfortable with everyone not knowing my business."

Buck nodded, feeling surprisingly peaceful even though Eddie was clearly falling apart in front of him. Maybe it was because Buck had been thinking about this since his conversation with Hen. Maybe because he'd had time to turn his feelings off.

"And that _business_ is a…a what? A _relationship_ with me? They can all know about you and Shannon but you're uncomfortable with people knowing about _me_?" He managed a brittle smile, his worst fears coming true in front of him the more Eddie used his sparing words. "Well, I guess that makes it easier to work out where I stand. Thanks for that. Now I know I'm your dirty secret that you just don't want to talk to at work."

"Buck-"

"I know I said we needed to take it slow, that I'd give you time." Buck's hands curled at his sides before he relaxed them again, trying to let go of the tension and pain starting to course through his body. "But I don't think you see how much this is hurting me, how much I want to be numb all the time so I don't feel anything anymore like you seem so capable of doing when we're at the station. So I can't do it. I can't- I can't feel like I'm only someone to you _some_ of the time. That's not how this should be. Even I know that."

Eddie's lower lip wobbled and Buck could see the rapid rise and fall of his shoulders. "Buck… Please… _Please_ , I- How long have you been feeling like this? How long have you been bottling all of this up?"

Buck raised one shoulder in a shrug, looking away from Eddie and towards his little living room area beneath the staircase. "Long enough that I started wondering if I even mean anything to you."

"You _do_. How could you even think otherwise, cariño?" Eddie whispered in a horrified gasp.

Eddie started moving towards him but Buck held up his hands, forcing Eddie to stop in the middle of nowhere and looking as utterly lost and adrift as Buck often felt on-shift. At least maybe Eddie now knew how he felt.

But something crept into Eddie's eyes that Buck didn't like, something he didn't have enough time to prepare himself for before Eddie spoke again.

"So you'll tell all your feelings to some ambulance chaser, divulge all these personal details about the team, and I get vague statements and no answers?" Eddie said, some of his hurt melting away to anger. And Buck could deal with the anger. He knew it was within easy reach for Eddie since he'd given up the fight clubs and he could see it in the narrowing of his brown eyes, the way his arms flexed at his sides, the way his shoulders straightened. "Do _I_ really mean that little to you?"

Buck swallowed, raising his head just a little to restore his confidence. He met Eddie's eyes, braced against the storm of hurt and fury that he hadn't seen since the grocery store. He'd been sure Eddie would have hit him if their argument hadn't been interrupted by the road rage in the carpark. He wondered if Eddie would hit him this time.

"I just wanted to be enough for you," Buck whispered, clearing his throat when it came out strangled and choked but Eddie still heard him. The change in his body language said as much, even though Buck didn't fully understand what it meant. "But I'm not, not if I- Not if you still see me as your _best friend_. I'm not enough for you and I- Now I really need you to go."

"Buck-"

"Please leave."

"Evan, I-"

"Get _out_!" he shouted, refusing to let the use of his first name get under his skin this time, refusing to let Eddie pacify him and insist he was more than a friend when he'd made it clear how he was seen in Eddie's eyes when the honesty melted into his words.

Eddie flinched, breath stuttering past his lips for a series of heartbeats that made the fractures in Buck's heart turn into solid breaks. For a moment, he thought maybe Eddie would stay – maybe Eddie would protest, maybe Eddie would give him some sort of proof that he _did_ mean something – but then Eddie wilted, shrinking in on himself until he seemed half Buck's size and turned towards the door.

"When I said you could have my back any day, I didn't expect you to stab me in it," Eddie spat and Buck could only blink, repeatedly, as tears filled his eyes and Eddie left, slamming the door behind him.

The sound echoed around Buck's apartment for a long time after Eddie left, reminding him how utterly hollow his place was. And now, even with Buck inside it, the apartment still felt empty.

He sank to the floor where he'd been standing, curling his knees to his chest as the pain he'd been hiding behind all the walls finally started to unravel. He'd been afraid of everything imploding if he confronted Eddie but he'd been foolish, going on the attack from the outset, and he'd been right all along that their end would be all his fault and now he couldn't breathe, fingers scrabbling at his throat and chest in search of oxygen, but he couldn't call Eddie – _he could never call Eddie again_ – and Eddie would never let him see Christopher again and Christopher probably wouldn't want to see him again either because now Eddie would be sad and unhappy and upset and maybe they'd go back to El Paso and Buck would have to call in sick to his next shift because there was no way he could work alongside Eddie and pretend everything was normal and Bobby would probably kill him for ruining everything but he'd sort out transfer papers and he'd be gone and as it all started to sink in, whatever control he thought he'd had on his feelings turned out to be alarmingly fragile as he disintegrated: rocking back and forth, head burying in his knees, hands pulling at his hair, tears streaming down his face, halting breaths barely getting oxygen into his lungs before he was coughing it up again.

By the time he was done being ravaged by everything he'd stopped letting himself feel weeks ago, he was exhausted. His legs ached when he unfolded them and his arms hurt from how tightly he'd been holding onto himself and his eyes hurt from all the tears and his lungs felt raw. The oxygen in his apartment felt stale and tainted and even as Buck star-fished on his kitchen floor to stretch everything out and get his lungs inflating normally again, it still felt like a lot of effort to even consider moving.

So he stared at his ceiling, watching the shadows of fluttering leaves as the tree outside his kitchen window shifted in the breeze. He heard his phone ring on the coffee table, and ignored it. When it rang a second time, he wondered if he should get up to answer it. But then it stopped ringing and he decided that whoever it was that needed to get in touch so badly could just leave a message for him to deal with never. He was hungover and nursing a broken heart and to hell with Maddie wanting to check on him and find out why he'd lied to Eddie last night. He wondered, briefly, if Eddie would have texted her about their…conversation? Argument? Breakup? Once again, Buck didn't have the terminology for any of it and once again, he realised just how poorly defined their time together had been. Could he even call what they had a _relationship_ or had it really just been a _friendship_ that had gotten more heated? Had he been so utterly naïve and not realised that it was some sort of 'friends with benefits' situation that never progressed beyond a lot of kissing and touching? He was so fucking _stupid_.

There was a hammering at his door and he stifled the urge to yell at Maddie to leave him alone because maybe it was better to just pretend he wasn't home and then she'd go and-

The door opened and he realised his stupidity because of _course_ Eddie wouldn't have locked the door when he left which meant Maddie could just waltz in and-

"Buck?"

He blinked in surprise, eyebrows furrowing.

"B-Bobby?"

"Buck, what the- Why are you on the _floor_?"

His Captain looked really weird standing over him, staring down at him, all his features upside down like some terrible Picasso painting.

"It's been a morning."

"Yeah, well, get up."

"Why?"

"We have to go."

He frowned, unmoving until Bobby got hands under his arms and practically hauled him to his feet. He swayed, grabbing onto the kitchen counter behind him as Bobby stared at him with something unreadable in his eyes.

"Go? Go where?"

"The hospital. Eddie's been shot."

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......see you next week? 😬😬😬
> 
> _.......*disappears into the Witness Protection Program, deep within an underground bunker*......_


	24. Chapter 24

**Word Count:** 3,221  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

If Buck had thought he'd had enough of feeling his heart tear itself into shreds in his chest that morning, he was wrong. "He- _What_?"

"If you'd answered your _phone_ -" Bobby muttered as Buck stumbled to his coffee table, finding a missed call from Maddie and another from Bobby. They hadn't left him any messages though. He had no texts from Eddie. He had no information telling him what had happened.

"I- I don't-"

"Let's go. Come on."

He was still gaping as Bobby pressed a hand to his back and led him from the apartment, barely giving him the time to grab a pair of shoes from beside his door and hustling him to the elevator. Buck spent the ride to the ground floor putting his shoes on.

"I know you're going to have a lot of questions," Bobby said as they shut the doors to his car. He paused before shoving his key in the ignition, fingers tapping against the wheel as the engine turned over. "And to be honest, I don't have any answers. I had the call from Athena and then Maddie said she couldn't get hold of you."

The crumbling world Buck had been immersed in for the past hour or so seemed to be collapsing anew as Bobby started driving. Bobby was remarkably calm and composed, completely in first responder mode, but Buck often wondered whether Bobby held it together on the outside while falling to pieces on the inside. Maybe he was a lot like Eddie in that way.

Buck, meanwhile, didn't even try to hide the way his hands were shaking in his lap or the way his knee bounced or the way fresh tears spilled down his cheeks as he stared out the window.

"Hey. He'll be okay, Buck," Bobby said, a hand brushing over Buck's arm for a moment at a red light. "We've had so many close calls with you that I know Eddie will get through this just fine."

But Bobby didn't even know how badly Eddie was injured. Maybe Eddie was at the hospital, dying. Maybe Eddie was already dead. And Buck's last words- Their last conversation-

"O-Oh God," he whimpered, covering his face with his hands and breaking into fresh sobs.

Bobby's hand squeezed against his shoulder as the car started moving again and Buck couldn't decide if it needed to go faster or slower because he wasn't sure what they were walking into, and he wasn't sure what he'd do if his last conversation with Eddie had been an argument, and even if they got to the hospital faster, it wasn't as though Buck could go running in to save him in whatever surgery he'd have to be in.

"It'll be okay, Buck. Just breathe," Bobby murmured, but Buck couldn't stop the feeble sobs even if he'd wanted to, even if he thought he couldn't possibly have any liquid left in his body to expel after the tears and panic attack of earlier.

He felt the car shift into park and turn off more than he heard it, felt Bobby's arms circle his trembling chest and hold him tightly.

"C'mon, Buck. I know I'm not as good at this as Eddie, the last time you fell apart on me proved that, but I need you to _breathe_. You're okay, I promise, but I need you to hold it together so we can go inside and see how our boy's doing."

Buck's eyes flicked past Bobby's arm to catch a glimpse of the ER entrance and it was almost enough to make him cover his face again, but Bobby was faster, curling firm hands around his trembling wrists.

"Buck?"

"W-We had a f-fight," he hiccupped, the anguish of reality starting to hit home as Bobby's thumb made circles against the inside of his wrist the same way that Eddie did sometimes. "H-He came over this m-morning and I s-said s-such _awful_ things and I-"

"You can't think about that now," Bobby said, gazing at him in undisguised concern. "You _can't_ , okay? You'll get a chance to sort out your friendship."

Buck's breathing hitched but if Bobby wondered why, he didn't say anything. Instead, Buck awkwardly leaned across the console for a hug, clinging to Bobby until some of the shaking and unsteady breathing started to settle. He felt drained, like a wrung-out towel that needed to be hung up and left alone for a while.

"Okay?" Bobby asked, tilting his chin and meeting his eyes. He didn't say anything about Buck's tears, or his hysteria, or his need to be held. He didn't belittle him for having emotions, and not being able to contain them. He hated that he'd ever thought to compare Bobby and his father.

Buck felt like he'd never be okay again, like every limb was injected with lead, but he nodded anyway and Bobby let him go so they could climb out of the car.

It was maybe only Bobby's hand on his lower back that kept him moving forward, small steps as they approached the ER and then the doors _whooshing_ open as Bobby led them to the main desk.

"Hi, I'm Captain Nash. One of my firefighters was brought in? Eddie Diaz?" Bobby was full of authority as he addressed the nurse, his back straight and his voice calm. In contrast, Buck felt like he was hastily stitched together with rapidly fraying thread and held up by tattered strings.

"Diaz… Diaz…" The nurse's fingers moved across the keyboard, her eyes scanning the screen. "Here. Edmundo Diaz?"

Bobby nodded.

"Okay. Captain Nash, you're listed as one of his emergency contacts. I can talk to you without-"

"I'm Evan Buckley," Buck said, his voice raspy as he stared at her and tried to maintain what little composure he had left. "I'll be one of his emergency contacts too."

"Oh." The nurse's eyes glanced between Bobby and Buck and the screen a few times, and Buck felt Bobby's surprise in the way his hand shifted. "Yes. Uh. I can see you listed here. Okay. Well. Unfortunately, I don't have much information listed. He was brought in an hour ago with two GSWs and taken straight to surgery. I might be able to find a doctor who assessed him before sending him upstairs-"

"That won't be necessary. We'll take a seat and await an update on the surgery, if that's alright?" Bobby said, and though his words were steady, Buck hadn't missed the tremble in Bobby's fingers when the nurse said _two_ gunshot wounds.

"Absolutely. Wherever you feel most comfortable. We've already called next of kin but I'll make a note that you're here too," she said with a smile that Buck didn't bother trying to return.

Bobby steered him towards some seats in the corner of the waiting area but Buck hardly felt like sitting. He wanted to pace a hole in the floor, or pummel his fists into the wall, or thump his head repeatedly with a brick.

"The others should be here soon," Bobby said as he sat, leaving Buck to walk four steps, turn, walk four steps, turn. "Do you know where Christopher was?"

The question nearly made Buck trip over his own feet because it felt like a bucket of ice water had just been tipped over his head. He was stuck to the floor, meeting Bobby's eyes as a fresh wave of panic and uncertainty swept through him. It hadn't occurred to him that it was the weekend and Chris wasn't at school. "I- I don't know? I thought- I- He might have been with Carla? Or Eddie's Abuela?"

Bobby nodded, folding his hands together in his lap. "If they've called Eddie's next of kin, they'll locate Christopher."

And Buck…hadn't really picked up on that part of the exchange with the nurse but it _did_ make him wonder: who _was_ Eddie's next of kin? He knew Eddie had his grandmother and his aunt, and he knew of at least two sisters, and his parents, but suddenly so much of what he thought he knew about Eddie felt sketchy around the edges, like he'd been sharing a friendship - because clearly it wasn't a relationship - with someone he barely knew.

He resumed pacing.

"Do you want to talk about the fight?" Bobby asked and even without looking, Buck knew his Captain was watching him walk the four steps back, pivot, and the four steps back.

"No," he said, heart skipping a beat even just _thinking_ about it. He'd still transfer stations, he'd still make sure Eddie had his family at the 118 – he'd need it after this more than ever – but Buck couldn't deny he was absolutely terrified. Christopher only had Eddie. It was what he'd feared when Eddie had confessed to the fighting ring. If something happened to Eddie, what happened to Christopher?

"Okay." Bobby didn't push and for that, at least, Buck was grateful.

He kept pacing because it gave him something to do but he was soon interrupted by Hen calling his name, and Chim was there and folding into Bobby's arm for a hug, and Buck was blinking at Hen's firm hand on his shoulder that forced his restless feet into standing still.

"You're as pale as a ghost, Buckaroo," she murmured and Buck felt his lower lip tremble as she stared at him, the sclera of her eyes faintly red behind her glasses.

"I can't lose him, Hen," he whispered, an unchecked tear streaking down his cheek, and something in her face shifted, a small moment of realisation as her lips parted and her eyes widened. She realised the deeper meaning of what he couldn't say in front of everyone else.

She wrapped her arms around him and he slumped into her, tucking his face into her shoulder even though she was quite a few inches shorter. She enveloped him in her motherly warmth and love, as well as the friendship and support she'd been offering him for months that he'd kept rebuffing out of a sense of hopelessness.

"He'll be okay, Buck," she murmured against his ear, squeezing him when she heard his sniffle.

"We f-fought, Hen. I can't- What if that's the last thing-"

"It won't be," she said, drawing away so she could cradle his cheek and stare into his eyes. He could only imagine what a wreck he looked like. "He's got a lot to live for, remember? Christopher and you are his whole world. He'll pull through for you."

She'd no sooner said Chris' name and Buck felt small, trembly arms wrap around his waist. He knew who it was without looking but he still gazed upon the curly mop of blond hair he knew almost as well as his own.

"Chris…" He let go of Hen to sink to his knees, and Chris fell into his arms as the little boy's fingers fisted into the fabric at his shoulders. "H-Hey, buddy."

"I-I'm scared, Bucky," Chris whispered against his neck as Buck lifted the kid into his arms and returned to his feet. He clung to Chris as he looked around, catching Isabel moving slowly towards them with her walking stick. He managed a weak smile that she barely returned, her eyes slightly puffy.

"I've got you, Christopher, okay? I won't let you go."

"Just like last year?"

He sniffled around some sort of choked laugh because he never forgot letting go of the kid and Chris never forgot Buck holding on. He adjusted Chris so he had a grip that no one would ever break, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "Just like last year, kiddo."

And he'd never let Chris go. Not when he hadn't seen Chris in weeks and his distance had undoubtedly hurt the boy. Not unless Chris asked to be let go.

Isabel shook hands with each member of the gathered crew, her lips pursed and her face grave as she sat next to Bobby. When Chim and Hen also sat, Buck felt awkward still standing and holding Chris against his chest. He met Isabel's eyes and she inclined her head towards the empty chair on the other side that Buck suspected the others had deliberately kept free.

He sat and adjusted Christopher in his lap, running a hand up and down his back just so he had something to do with his hands. It was as much to comfort Chris as it was to keep himself calm and Chris was quiet, quieter than Buck had ever seen him, quieter than he'd even been in the middle of a tsunami. It just about broke his heart worse than anything he'd endured today that maybe Chris' optimism had reached its peak.

"Daddy's been really sad lately," Christopher said suddenly, his fingers fidgeting with Buck's buttons. "D'you know why, Buck?"

Buck opened his mouth to make up some sort of reason that was filtered and kid-friendly but then Chris looked up at him with those big eyes that had pleaded for sugary treats on Valentine's Day and Buck remembered that he could never lie to this kid. They'd been through too much.

"I- He and I haven't been, um…talking so well lately."

"Oh." Chris stared at him, eyebrows dipping together as his lower lip jutted out. "D'you not like him anymore?"

And if Buck didn't feel like he had the scrutinising eyes of Bobby, Chim and Isabel on him before, he damn well did now.

"Drinks! Who wants drinks?!" Hen announced, a little too loud and far too cheerful. Chim made a flustered sort of stammering that he was fine but Buck caught the way her nails dug sharply into his shoulder and how she fixed Bobby with her most patented parental look that would wither any of Denny's protests – and Buck was honestly surprised it worked on a fellow parent and LAFD Captain – and then he reluctantly followed her.

"Was it something I said?" Christopher said, peering past Buck's chest in obvious confusion at the retreating backs of the three members of the 118. Buck couldn't help the small puff of laughter that escaped his lips, pressing a kiss to Christopher's hair and squeezing him gently.

A hand settled against his quivering knee and he met the brown eyes of Isabel, eyes that reminded him so much of Eddie's when the man's defences were down and he let Buck see how he felt.

"They do not know," she said, tilting her head towards where Hen was forcing Chim and Bobby to pay attention to a vending machine in the opposite corner of the waiting room.

"Know? Know what?"

"That you love my Edmundo."

It was Buck's turn to feel like he was spluttering but she shot him a knowing smile and Chris giggled, touching his fingertips to Buck's jaw and drawing Buck's eyes towards him like he had that fateful day on the pier.

"You _love_ my Daddy?"

And Buck… He knew he was that invested in the relationship. There was no point denying that either. He'd long suspected that was why Eddie's distance at the station felt like a stab through the guts and being referred to as his 'best friend' had felt like a stab through the heart. He'd suspected it since Maddie had pointed out that he needed to be concerned. He'd suspected it before he'd even kissed Eddie the first time. But like everything, always – he'd been too anxious and afraid.

"That's our little secret, okay buddy?" he said, darting a look at Isabel who didn't look like she disapproved. Instead, she patted his knee and smiled at him.

"It is not a secret to your friends," she said and his eyebrows rose, looking towards them squabbling over drinks choices. "You all work with him, you are all trained for a crisis, and yet _you_ , Evan, are the only one who looks like you cannot sit still because you are so worried."

"Is… Is it that obvious?"

She chuckled,, grasping at one of the hands cradling Chris against him and kissing his knuckles lightly. "Hijito, I have seen Edmundo in love before. I can see it in you too."

"And you're not… I mean… He had a _wife_ …"

Isabel shrugged, rubbing her thumb against his knuckles before setting his hand down so he could curl it around Chris and keep the boy anchored against him. "The heart loves what the heart wants. He loved, and lost, Shannon. I have heard him speak so fondly of you these past months. Do not let him love and lose you too."

It was…better than he deserved, honestly. Perhaps if she knew about the fight earlier, the awful things he'd said that had almost certainly shattered Eddie's heart, she wouldn't be so gentle and forgiving and accepting of him. Buck could believe that Eddie being shot was all his fault.

But Christopher distracted him from that dark tunnel, tapping at Buck's arm and staring at him expectantly. "So you _do_ love my Dad?"

He gazed at Chris' open and wondering face, like he was seeing Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny all at the same time. "Yeah, little angel, I do," he confirmed, kissing Christopher's curls and rocking the boy in his arms. As much as he wanted to shield Chris from every part of this, as much as he feared and fretted for Eddie's wellbeing – wherever the hell he was in this maze of a hospital – he was thankful Chris was here to look after because Chris gave him something to hold onto. Physical and emotional parts. The parts of Eddie that he loved and adored and could keep even the fiercest monsters at bay.

Apparently done with offering them some space, Hen returned with Chim and Bobby carrying an assortment of drinks.

"Juice?" Bobby suggested as he held out a bottle to Chris. The kid nodded, grabbing at the bottle and the straw. Buck helped him open the lid and then Chris was slurping at it in a way that made Isabel remind him of his manners in a hushed voice.

"Here." Hen passed him a bottle of water and he mumbled his thanks, unsure if she knew he was thanking her for more than just the bottle of water. He felt so empty and dry that he could probably swallow all the tsunami water and still feel dehydrated. And wouldn't that be ironic.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, each lost in thought or staring at the ground or, in Christopher's case, sipping at his bottle of apple juice in Buck's arms.

"Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it," Chim said with an exasperated sigh. "How long _have_ you and Eddie been together _?_ "

Buck hid his rapidly flushing face in Christopher's shoulder and was glad Hen was within reaching distance to swat Chimney over the back of his head. The dull _thwack_ and irritated grunt were almost worth it.

Buck zoned out and lost track of time after that, so when someone finally called for the family of Eddie Diaz, it was Christopher wriggling in his arms that drew his attention towards the man in mint green scrubs and cap and billowing white coat moving towards them.

He stood, clutching Christopher against him, and felt his heart lodge in his throat.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY HAVE ONE CLIFFHANGER WHEN YOU CAN GET TWO?  
> IT'S LIKE A BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE SALE THAT NO ONE ACTUALLY WANTS.
> 
> .......
> 
> Yeah okay I'm leaving now before I get skewered with the pitchforks.


	25. Chapter 25

**Word Count:** 3,185  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter contains descriptions of serious injuries.

* * *

"Family of Diaz?" the doctor repeated, eyeing each of them as Isabel shook his hand and introduced herself. "Let's start with the important stuff – he made it through surgery."

Buck thought his knees would've given out on him if he hadn't needed to hold Christopher.

"Mister Diaz was brought to us this morning with two gunshot wounds," the doctor said, failing to sanitise his words even as Chris clung to Buck tighter. "He lost a lot of blood before he got here so we needed multiple units of blood during surgery. He needed a splenectomy, which should heal within a month, however he will require physical therapy for his arm. The bullet caused some damage and I expect that prognosis will slow his return to full-time work."

"He's okay," Buck whispered to Chris, whose tiny snuffling breaths sounded like he was on the verge of dissolving into tears because he didn't understand the complicated language. "He's okay, buddy. He's alive."

"-remain in the ICU overnight and into tomorrow as he is at significant risk of secondary infections. We have to see how his wounds are healing and how stable his heart and breathing are before we'll reduce the sedation and move him to a regular ward."

"Can we see him?" Isabel said, her hand settling around Buck's arm even as she continued to stare at the doctor. "We are his family. Please."

The doctor's gaze moved from Isabel, to Buck, to Christopher's tiny, hidden face against Buck's chest. "He won't be conscious."

"I wanna see my Daddy," Christopher whimpered, which seemed to resolve that aspect of the doctor's uncertainty.

"I can't allow all of you at once," he said apologetically, looking at Bobby and Hen and Chim.

"It's fine," Bobby said, giving a little wave and a nod of understanding. "Family first. We know the rules. We'll stay here."

And Buck didn't know what to do with that. He thought Isabel had just meant her and Christopher but when she kept her hand firmly fixed on Buck's arm, tugging him alongside her as the doctor turned to lead them into the labyrinth of the hospital, he felt like his thoughts were tumbling over each other. He wasn't Eddie's _family_. Not after the fight they'd had this morning. Not when Buck had ended it this morning.

But he couldn't tell anyone that.

He couldn't handle Christopher's face fall when he found out.

"Are you sure you all want to go together?" the doctor asked, swiping his card against a keypad. The doors opened to a ward that was unnaturally quiet and yet filled with irregular beeps and whooshing sounds everywhere behind rooms of glass with curtains covering the gaps. The man gave Christopher a pointed look.

"I wanna see Daddy," Christopher repeated, fixing the doctor with his own pointed look.

"You sure, bud?" Buck murmured, adjusting Chris against his hip and dragging his knuckles against the little boy's cheek gently. "There will be a lot of tubes and wires and it will be scary."

"Scarier than the tsunami last year?"

Buck paused, unsure how to answer that. He glanced at Isabel but she just shrugged helplessly. "I…don't know if it'll be scarier than that but Ed- Your Dad won't be able to talk to you."

"That's okay." Christopher's eyes wavered as he found Buck's gaze, a shy smile on his lips. "I can still talk to him, right?"

"I- Y-Yeah, you can. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you." He kissed Christopher's forehead, ignoring the smile that Isabel directed towards him. It reminded him too much of all the fond smiles Eddie used when he was affectionate with Chris, tugging at sore parts of his heart. "I know I always felt better when you came to visit me in the hospital last year."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, champ."

He pressed another kiss to Christopher's forehead, twisting some of the loose curls off his face. He wondered whether Eddie would want this, whether Eddie would be comfortable with his son seeing him in such a way. He knew Chris had struggled with nightmares but who was Buck to try to stop Chris from seeing his father? The kid was stubborn and scared and Buck was at a loss.

"And you know what? Your Dad loves you even more than I do so I know he'd love to hear you even if he can't talk right now."

Chris smiled nervously, chewing his bottom lip for a solid minute as his fidgeting fingers gradually grew still against Buck's chest. With a deep breath, he looked up at Buck. "Okay, I'm ready."

Buck glanced at Isabel and the doctor, the latter nodding and leading them towards a curtained room with a large number _5_ above it. Buck inhaled, making sure he had a firm grasp on Chris, and felt Isabel's hand return to his arm, squeezing lightly as she stepped after the doctor past the curtain.

Mustering every bit of reinforcement that had been guarding his heart for the last month or so, he shifted through the gap in the fabric. Christopher trembled against him as their eyes swept over Eddie.

He was a big guy ordinarily, only slightly shorter than Buck but solid with all his muscles, but Buck wasn't sure Eddie had ever looked smaller. There was a tube taped to his mouth leading to the artificial breather, and most of his upper body was exposed so they could clearly see the tubes that spilled from his torso like some sort of grotesque science experiment. There was a large patch of bandaging across his left side and another series of bandages around his left arm. In his right hand was an IV, connected to multiple bags of clear fluid hanging from a metal bar. In his left hand was another IV with a red coiling tube that led to another blood transfusion. There were wires attached to his chest leading to the quiet bleeping of the EKG, and there was a blood pressure gauge attached to his index finger, and it was…it was just so much for Buck to take in that he struggled to imagine how Chris was processing it.

" _Daddy_ …" Christopher whimpered, reaching out. Buck carefully placed Chris' feet on the floor and helped him take a few halting steps forward, finding a place where the kid could stand and curl a loose hand around several of Eddie's fingers.

And Eddie… Eddie was so _pale_ , like the white of the sheets beneath him. His rumpled hair seemed stark against his cheeks. It had to be Buck's imagination that Eddie somehow managed to look miserable among all the drugs and tubing and wires, but he still thought it had to be his fault that Eddie looked like that. Even heavily sedated, utterly unconscious, Eddie's broken heart managed to reveal itself beneath the layers of other injuries.

He choked on a breath, or maybe his guilt and shame and nausea. He turned, escaping the room before he threw up or suffocated. Leaning against the glass wall outside Eddie's room, he rubbed a hand against his chest and tried to remember how to breathe in, and breathe out, and breathe in, and breathe out.

"It's a lot to take in." The doctor appeared beside him, sliding his cap from his head and letting brown curls threaded with grey spike free. "We expect him to pull through, although I know that's a difficult comfort to hear right now."

It was, and it wasn't, but not for the reasons that the doctor might have expected.

"Thank you," he whispered, and the doctor gave him a gentle, understanding smile before leaving him against the wall.

Perhaps fifteen minutes went by before Isabel emerged with her hand tight in Christopher's, holding him up as he took stumbling steps in the absence of his crutches.

"Do you want a moment alone?" she said and Buck hesitated.

"Tell Daddy you love him, Buck," Christopher said, shooting him a grin that Buck did not deserve.

He ruffled Chris' hair and inched back into the room, struggling once again with where to look, where to stand, where to find all the words he needed to say even though he knew Eddie wouldn't truly hear any of them anyway.

"I- I'm so sorry, Eddie," he whispered, touching his hand to Eddie's shin because at least that seemed undisturbed by tubes and wires. "I'm so- What I said this morning- I just want to turn the clock back and…take it back. Take it _all_ back. It- This wasn't meant to happen, Eddie and I-"

He swallowed, casting his eyes over Eddie's prone body again and wondering if it would even matter that he'd been here. Eddie would probably wake up in a few days and tell the nurses to block him from returning.

"I really hope you wake up. Because the team… I'm pretty sure the team knows because of your kid and I- I need to know what…what to do with that because if it…if it could change anything between us _at_ work, not just _outside_ of work, then I- I want to be able to talk about that and not…not destroy you this time."

He kissed his fingertips and lowered them to Eddie's ankle, trying not to focus on how cool Eddie's skin was when he was always so warm. And Buck wanted to say more – _so much more_ – but he needed Eddie to be awake, and he needed to know how Eddie felt – if he felt anything – and he needed to have Eddie's hand feeling warm and alive in his, and he needed to stop feeling like he was going to cry and throw up every day for the rest of his life.

For now, he supposed, he'd said all he could say. It wasn't much. It wasn't enough. But it would have to do. Swallowing his emotions, he left the room and found Isabel seated near the entrance to the ICU as she talked quietly with Christopher beside her. Chris spotted him as he approached, holding out his arms. Buck easily lifted the kid onto his hip again, holding out a hand to Isabel who squeezed it briefly before letting it go.

"How are you doing, baby?" he said, cradling Chris' cheek and gazing into his eyes. Christopher's usual smile was gone, replaced by fear and sadness in the depths of his wandering hazel eyes. Buck wasn't sure that allowing Chris to see his father had been the right thing anymore. The nightmares Chris had about Shannon drowning in the tsunami would be nothing compared to this.

"Can I stay with you?" Chris said and Buck bit his lip and looked at Isabel.

"I know Eddie trusts you with Christopher, so I do too. If he wants to stay with you, then please, care for him," Isabel said calmly. "You will bring him back tomorrow, yes?"

Buck didn't deserve the love of the Diaz family.

"We'll stay at your Dad's place," Buck said, running fingers through Chris' hair as he nodded his thanks to Isabel as well as his assurance that he would return Chris first thing in the morning. "That alright with you?"

Chris nodded, fisting his hands into Buck's shirt as Buck shifted his weight for the return walk to the waiting room.

"I will stay here a little while," Isabel said, squeezing Christopher's foot. "I will not leave him until they kick me out."

"I can stay-"

"Take Christopher home," she said, shaking her head at Buck and offering a tired smile. "I will call his parents and sisters to tell them what has happened. Josefina will come and sit with me. For now, take care of my great-grandson, Evan."

He nodded, exiting the ICU and following the signs back to the ER. Christopher asked him questions about some of the medical jargon, or when Eddie would wake up, or when he'd be able to hug his father again. Buck wished he had the answers to those questions but he didn't even have an answer to what they were going to have for dinner.

He found the crew right where he'd left them, sitting with another woman he didn't recognise. Hen saw him first, reaching out to alert Chim and Bobby as she stood and moved towards him.

"How is he?" she said and Buck just…didn't know how to answer. He held Christopher against him, fighting the latest rush of tears – surely he had cried enough today? – and could barely meet her eyes as she wrapped him, and Christopher, in a tight hug.

A moment later, he felt another pair of arms surround him, and then another pair. He hid his sobs in Christopher's shoulder, feeling the way the tiny body quaked against his too, as his team held him together and sheltered him from everyone else in the waiting room while he got his rampaging emotions under control. He almost regretted agreeing to take care of Christopher tonight. He wouldn't mind finding his way to the bottom of a bottle.

The pressure of all the arms gradually lessened and he was just left with Hen's hand settling against his back. The random woman had stood and now that Buck could pay enough attention to look at her properly, he could see the butterfly stitches holding together her brow and the blooming bruise against her jaw.

"This is Beatrice," Hen said, gesturing the woman closer. Except calling her a woman betrayed that she was probably younger than Buck, and would probably be Maddie's height. a foot shorter than him.

"Are you Christopher?" she asked nervously as Chris gazed at her, like he was evaluating who this strange woman was and whether she could be trusted. Eventually, with maybe a little press of Buck's hand against his leg, the kid gave an uncertain nod. "You- Your Dad talked about you. I- I'm really pleased to meet you."

She held out her hand and Chris tentatively reached for it after Buck adjusted him to set Christopher's feet on the ground. "You know my Dad?" Chris asked as she gave his hand a gentle shake.

"Yeah, he-" Her eyes shone with barely retained tears, and she pulled her hand away from Chris to wipe at her cheeks when a few escaped. "He saved my life."

"He did?" Chris looked at her in awe while Buck glanced between – what was her name again? Barbara? Bianca? – and the rest of the crew.

"Yeah. I- Um… Some guys weren't being real nice to me but your Dad- He saw it and he called out to them to stop. I- I'm so sorry he's so hurt," she said, her voice shaking as she knelt in front of Christopher, "but he talked a lot about you while we waited for the ambulance. He really loves you."

Chris broke into the first genuine smile Buck had seen all day, although he noticed it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I love him too. Buck said he's going to be okay."

"Buck?" Her eyebrow arched as she looked up and met Buck's eyes. "He talked about you too."

"He…did?" His voice was rough when it escaped his tight throat and he coughed to try to clear the lump that threatened to make him start crying again.

"He said… He said you'd be upset and that you needed to know it wasn't your fault," she said, rising again and touching his upper arm lightly. "He wanted you to take care of Christopher. And- And he- He made sure I knew to tell you that he hopes you'll talk to him when he wakes up."

The pain, the hurt, the sadness, the awful bitterness of self-loathing that ripped through him… It left him breathless and he leaned a little heavily into Hen's side as she circled his waist to keep him upright. His knees must have shaken alarmingly enough that then Bobby was there on his other side, a steadying hand and a stronger presence keeping the fragments of his emotions together. It never occurred to Buck that Beatrice could've been lying, offering empty words that Eddie had never said just to comfort him. Everything she'd said spoke to how well Eddie knew him, understanding that he'd feel anxious and guilty and ashamed that it was his fault that this had happened. Somehow, that just made his words this morning sound even worse.

"See, Buck? Daddy loves you too. It'll be okay."

He managed a watery smile towards Chris, running fingers through his hair and deciding that speaking right now was impossible

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Bobby asked like he hadn't said it a thousand times since Buck had helped Christopher inside Eddie's house. It felt really weird that Eddie wasn't here, hovering in a doorway or poking at something on the stove.

"Maddie's coming over after her shift," Buck said, because the first thing he'd done after getting Chris in the car so they could go to Buck's place and obtain some clothes had been to text his sister. There was a string of hearts across his screen when he opened it and he managed the faintest of smiles as he texted her to let her know he was staying at Eddie's with Chris.

Her reply had been almost instant: _I'll be there once my day is done xxxx I love you Ev_

"But _until_ then-"

"Until then, I've got a kid who needs a late lunch and a Buck that needs a shower," he said, his attempt at a smile coming off probably as tired as he felt.

Bobby hardly looked convinced that he could handle such mundane tasks alone but he pressed his hand to Buck's shoulder anyway. "Son…"

Buck met his eyes, his breath catching at the gentleness in Bobby's gaze, the way Bobby just gave and gave with his love and empathy and compassion.

"Whatever time you need for Eddie and his recovery, or to help him with Christopher, it's yours, Buck. And whatever help any of us at the 118 can offer-"

"I know, Cap, I know," he said with a nod, struggling to maintain eye contact under the weight of Bobby's sincerity.

"Eddie's family," Bobby insisted, squeezing his fingers against Buck's shoulder. "He's _your_ family. We take care of our families at the 118 so we'll take care of all of you, okay?"

His eyes brimmed with tears. "Thanks, Cap," he whispered, managing a wobbly smile.

"And at some point, you'll need to tell me when all _this_ with Eddie started so that I can work out who won the betting pool."

"The- Wait- The- _What_?"

Bobby laughed, retreating down the stairs and jogging to his car. "Let me know. I could earn big money." Bobby gave a terrible salute before he got in his car and Buck just continued spluttering long after Bobby had driven away.

"Bucky? I'm hungry."

He sniffed and swallowed and swiped away the tears. "I'm on it, kiddo," he said, deciding that this ridiculous talk of a _betting pool_ could wait until sometime later. Hungry kid. Shower. Priorities.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....something something less threats this week because some answers something something?
> 
> .........or am I still on the run?


	26. Chapter 26

**Word Count:** 4,316  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

As much as he wanted the day to pass in a blur, it seemed like every second took an hour and every hour took a week. By the time Maddie was wrapping her arms around him, he felt like he'd aged ten years. Maybe more.

"I'm so sorry," she said as he held her against him, nose pressing against her hair and inhaling her familiar scent as he focused on breathing in, and breathing out, and keeping himself under control. Holding Christopher all day while they'd watched endless cartoons had at least kept the kid occupied and the kid's presence meant he'd avoided any further breakdowns. "Have you heard anything?"

"Abuela texted earlier but there hasn't been a change," he said, releasing her so that she could ease off her shoes and shrink several more inches.

"He'll be okay," she said and Buck really wished people would stop making that promise when no one knew for certain. She trailed behind him as he returned to the living room, where Christopher was playing with Legos while a cartoon played in the background.

"Maddie!" he squealed, wobbling to his feet while she bent to hug him. "Hi, Maddie," he said quieter, petting at her hair with his hands.

"Hey, sweetheart. What were you building?"

He took the opportunity while Christopher was distracted to grab his bag and disappear into the bathroom. Although he suspected he smelled awful and looked even worse, everyone had been kind enough to avoid commenting on it during the day. After the day's emotional turmoil, Buck just hadn't had the heart to do anything about it and once he'd sorted out lunch for the kid, he hadn't wanted to leave Christopher alone for too long.

Now though, Maddie could keep Christopher occupied while Buck showered.

He peeled off his clothes and stepped into the shower, ignoring the freezing spray and then ignoring when the water turned so hot it was like stinging needles against his skin. The pain was helpful, giving him something else to focus on rather than balling his hands into his mouth to stop the sobs. His skin felt sticky and sweaty after passing out drunk last night – was that really only last night? – and his muscles still felt sore and tired after the panic attack that morning after Eddie had left – was that really only this morning? – and his only source of comfort, and adding to his misery, was the lingering scents of Eddie's soap billowing among the steam of the shower.

If he'd been at home, maybe he would have lingered beneath the spray just to hide the tears but he still hated showers, still hated the running water, and he knew Maddie was waiting and Christopher was doing a great job of holding it together even though he had to be so, _so_ scared. So Buck kept the shower brief but he still felt more like an actual human when he dressed in clean clothes than he had for most of the day.

Maddie and Christopher were right where he'd left them, Chris explaining what he was trying to make and pointing out pieces scattered across the floor that Maddie passed to him. And it was…sweet, and normal, and mundane, and he realised that despite their terrible excuses for actual parents, Maddie would make a great mom. She was patient, and kind, and attentive, and it made his heart ache that she had been through so much with Doug and not yet gotten what she wanted in regards to a husband that loved her and a family she could adore. His opinion of Chimney was that the guy was great, even though he still hated the complication of them being colleagues, but Maddie's happiness around Chim seemed genuine and he hoped they could find the sort of relationship that she truly deserved and desired.

"What?" she said with a shy smile when she caught him watching her.

He wrinkled his nose and gave a slight shake of his head as he sat on the couch, running a hand over his bad leg which had been twinging after he'd uncurled himself from his kitchen floor. Maddie caught the gesture, of course she did, but she didn't say anything.

"I'm just glad you're okay and I'm glad that you're here," he said honestly, the many layers behind his statement evident to her ears. She pressed her lips together sadly, looking as if she was going to say something else before Christopher asked her for another piece of Lego and the moment was lost.

* * *

Buck hadn't been surprised when Christopher had crawled into his lap after dinner and pleaded for another movie, nor was he particularly surprised when Christopher fell asleep in his lap, small hands wrapped around Buck's bicep as his cheek rested on Buck's chest.

"You're really good with him," Maddie commented as he gently adjusted Christopher's weight so he could rub a hand along Christopher's spine.

"He's an easy kid to take care of," he said with a shrug but Maddie shook her head.

"No, I mean… He clearly feels comfortable with you taking care of him. Not every kid would fall asleep against someone else when their father was in the hospital," she explained and Buck's eyes drifted from hers to Christopher's serene face, the same little separation in his lips when he slept that Eddie had. He almost wished he didn't know that detail. "You love him."

"He's an adorable kid."

"I wasn't talking about Christopher, Ev."

His eyes zapped back to hers but she was just watching him with one of those small, fond smiles as she scooted from the armchair to sit beside him on the couch.

"Does he know?"

He hesitated before shaking his head, tracing his index finger in spiralling shapes down Christopher's back. "We've been… It's not like it came out of nowhere. It's been going on a while. He just- He didn't know what he wanted or what he thought he wanted so we were keeping it quiet."

She nodded, reaching out her hand and rubbing at his sore leg with the touch of a former nurse that knew how to find the coils and kinks in his muscles. "So he _was_ the one you were desperate to see after so rudely kicking me out that day after I collected you from the station?"

He stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed quietly, squeezing his knee.

"So it _has_ been a while," she agreed, tilting her head to stare at him. "I thought there was something going on before that."

"Oh?"

She shrugged, a faint smile on her lips. "I seem to remember accusing you of having a _boy-crush_?" she teased, thumb smoothing out another spot of pain in his thigh. "You didn't say no."

He opened his mouth, then shut it again. _God_ , that was a long time ago.

"And then you thought he was cute when I was talking about Chimney," she added, like she'd been storing all these memories for a time when he'd come to his senses. Or maybe when he wouldn't, so that she could shove them together. "And then there was how he wouldn't leave the hospital after your leg got crushed, spending the night with me in the waiting room. Or how you had the clot and he spent the entire wait saying, 'Not again. I can't lose him again.'"

Buck stared at her like she'd grown an extra head. Or maybe ten. Either way, he stared. And her grin just widened.

"I'm your sister, Evan. I notice when you get all gooey-eyed around someone and I'm not blind to someone mooning over you," she joked, patting his knee and then pulling her hand back so she could prop her elbow on the back of the couch, leaning her head into her hand to gaze at him. "So what changed? How did you go from being oblivious idiots to…" Her question trailed away but her eyes swept over the way Chris was folded into his chest.

He shrugged, because sometimes he wasn't sure exactly sure what had changed for Eddie either. "I don't know. We were hanging out a lot and at some point, he said something or I said something and that- that made him kiss me and it was- I thought it might freak him out but it…didn't."

"But?"

Of course she'd catch the way his voice faded a bit at the end. "But… It's been a rough couple of months."

Maddie continued to gaze at him without judgement or expectation. "What happened?"

He shifted the hand resting against the back of Christopher's neck to comb through some of his curls. "I got… I don't know, cold feet? He wanted Chris to know and then he knew but I still felt like we weren't telling anyone else? When we were here, or at my place, things were... They were really great." He bit his lip, looking down at Christopher and thinking about all the movies they'd cuddled up to watch, or the meals he'd cooked with Eddie while Chris chatted away, or the times they'd gone to a park. And then all the _other_ times when Chris hadn't been there, when he'd felt so warm and safe and loved in Eddie's embrace. "But… But at the station, he was like an entirely different person and I- I felt like I didn't matter to him."

"Okay…" She pressed her lips together, eyes flicking over his face as she processed the information. "That sounds like a reasonable thing to be upset over. Did you _want_ the 118 to know about you two?"

"Not necessarily?" He wrinkled his nose and shook his head slightly. "I just got really tired of…of sneaking around, I suppose. Pretending I didn't know him like I did, pretending I wasn't so happy, pretending I hadn't seen him the night before or spent all of my time off-shift with him and this little guy." He sighed, tracing a finger over Chris' forehead and along his temple. "So I- I called him out on it."

Maddie blinked. "You did?"

"This- This morning. Before- Before everything…happened," he said vaguely but she understood anyway, giving him an encouraging nod. "I told him I didn't want to…to feel like I was hiding all these pieces of who I was anymore and then he called me his best friend and I- I just- I _lost_ it, Mads," he said, burying his nose in Christopher's hair and sucking in a few painful breaths to try to quell the urge to start crying again. "Because I- I want to be more than his _friend_ , Maddie. _Christ._ But that- Maybe that's all he sees me as? Or ever will see me as? Because he- he's not bi or able to accept that part of him that's…interested in being with me? And I- I didn't know how to…to keep putting myself through that because I want to be enough for him and-"

"And then he got shot," Maddie murmured, interrupting his halting explanation with her gentle understanding as she reached out to him again and captured his hand. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles, eking some of the hysteria from his thoughts and the tension that had curled them for much of the day. "You've had an awful day, baby bro."

"Not as awful as him, or this little one," he said, brushing a kiss to the top of Christopher's head.

"True, but you know not to compare your crappy day with theirs. You've still been through hell."

It sounded like something she'd probably learned in therapy because the Maddie he knew, the Maddie that had shared his childhood, would always minimise her own pain to continue supporting others too. That was just what they did. It was what they'd learned to do. It had become such an ingrained habit he wasn't sure how he could even attempt to unlearn it.

His heart ached and she cuddled closer, leaning her head on his shoulder after pressing a soft kiss to the joint. "Are you staying here tonight?" he asked as he rested his cheek on the top of her hair.

"If you want me to," she said and he nodded quickly, knowing that even with Christopher around, he didn't trust himself to be left alone once Chris went to sleep. He'd raid Eddie's entire kitchen in search of something strong enough to make the pain go away, and that wouldn't do him any good if Christopher woke up from a nightmare. She squeezed his hand, tucking it against her. "You could've told me, you know. That it was Eddie you were seeing. I wouldn't have told Howie."

He shook his head as he gazed at Christopher's face. "It wasn't about me, Mads. Or about Chim knowing. It- It was about him. When it started, he said he didn't care if the others knew but he never actively told them either. He- This morning he said he became comfortable that they didn't all know his business and so I- If I'd told you, it would have been betraying the part of him that was very obviously uncomfortable with them knowing."

Maddie peered up at him and her eyes shimmered with understanding even though her lips were downturned and conveyed her displeasure at it. He had to remember that she was his sister. She was invested in how he was coping although her reasons might've been different to the rest of the 118's. Her circling thumb inched higher, rubbing at the joints of his wrist. "So what now?"

"Hell if I know," he said with a small shrug and a deep sigh. "The girl he saved- She told me he wanted to talk but…but maybe he'll change his mind if he wakes up? It's like- It's like a thing to say when you think you're dying, right? Whoever you leave behind might feel guilty, so you try to comfort them with your last breaths?"

He felt the reflex of Maddie's fingers curl and he frowned, pulling his head away to look from their hands to her face, the way her lower lip wobbled and tears gathered in the corner of his eyes.

"Maddie?" Buck flipped his hand over, grasping her fingers between his and holding tight. "Mads? What's wrong?"

She sniffed, tilting her head back and shaking it while she swallowed which had always been her tell for trying to shove down all her feelings. He squeezed her hand when a tear spilled down her cheek, his frown deepening until she looked at him with so much sadness and despair.

"I took the 911 call," she admitted and Buck… Buck could only stare. And blink a lot. There were so many parts to what had happened during the day that he hadn't thought about, hadn't even _wanted_ to think about. So much of his morning had been anger and then fear and panic, and then he'd had to stay focused on Christopher's needs and wants which meant bottling up everything that kept threatening to overwhelm him. He blinked again. "I could hear his voice in the background. I- I didn't realise he was talking about _you_ , though."

He willed himself not to cry again even though he could feel his throat clenching and his eyes burning. "Did- Did you know it was him?"

She nodded, raising her spare hand to wipe at the tears that decorated her cheeks. "He'd identified himself as LAFD when he'd approached her and after he was…shot, she'd gotten out of him that he was from the 118 and had a kid." Her attempt at a smile wobbled as she looked away, staring at a spot on the wall. "She told me all of this while I was processing the dispatch notification and I- I know I don't know everyone in your house but as soon as I heard it was someone from the 118, I put the call through to Athena to attend because I- I knew Athena would never forgive me if I didn't get her boots there first. I talked the girl through how to apply pressure to his wounds and I could hear his mumblings and I- I just knew- Even before I heard Athena arrive and confirm who it w-was I knew… G- _God_ , Evan…"

He shifted Christopher in his lap, who mumbled sleepily but didn't wake up, so that he could wrap his arm around Maddie's shoulders and fold her into his side. He pressed a kiss to her hair, not even trying to disguise that tears had started to streak down his cheeks during her explanation.

"What was that about 'you could've told me this'?" he muttered as he gripped her trembling shoulders. A wet laugh bubbled past her lips as she sniffled and rubbed a hand against the small patch of his chest that didn't have Christopher leaning against it.

"Sometimes it- it's even harder for us with the calls? We listen to people in their worst moments of fear and crisis and we do our best to determine triage over the phone but we can't see, we can't _help_." She touched fingertips to Christopher's cheek, hiccupping around another breath. "We have to find ways to turn off our feelings and respond calmly and professionally even when it's our friends."

Buck nodded, remembering how many times Bobby had pulled him back from the ER doors when he'd wanted to race after a victim to keep providing care and support. He could remember how lost and powerless he'd felt in the waiting room when they'd brought in Shannon and Eddie had gone with her while Buck was left with the vic in the car. He knew the doctors and nurses had more specialised training, that his whole job was to get a patient to the hospital, but sometimes it haunted him that he could've done more or done better for Shannon and maybe she would have survived. Or maybe he shouldn't have reacted the way he did when he saw who the driver had hit and tipped Eddie off. There were so many possibilities about calls, so many tiny dominoes that could go wrong at a scene, and he always wanted to follow the cases longer than he was meant to. It was why he'd dropped out of SEAL training. He couldn't shut off how he felt.

"We leave them at the ambulance bay," Buck murmured, rubbing at her arm and trying to offer the smallest amount of comfort. "You have to leave them when we get there to take someone else's call."

She tilted her head to press a kiss into his shoulder, releasing a shaking breath. "I didn't know how to tell you. I tried calling you after I got in touch with Athena. She said she'd call Bobby but I- I couldn't get hold of you. For a while, I thought- I thought maybe it was _you_ who had been shot and the girl had misunderstood what had been said." She gestured towards Chris. "Sometimes he seems like he's as much your son as Eddie's, you know? But I- I had to keep telling myself that I knew it wasn't your voice."

He dropped a kiss to the top of her head, squeezing her arm as she held onto him. It hurt to hear that there might have been a frantic few minutes where she'd been terrified for his life, again. With all his luck last year, it probably wouldn't have even surprised anyone that he'd gotten injured again. It hurt more, though, knowing that Maddie had known Eddie was shot, and he was bleeding out, and Buck hadn't known what was going on. He'd probably been in pieces on his kitchen floor.

"Why didn't you answer?" she said quietly, her fingers tiptoeing across Christopher's shoulder and down his back.

"I-" He closed his eyes to block the tears, shivering slightly at the pain that lanced through his chest. "I told Eddie to leave and I was so- I was upset, and angry, and I said… I said stuff that would've hurt and he said stuff that…" He shook his head, recalling Eddie's parting words about being stabbed in the back. Even now, it made him feel sick. That cold look in Eddie's eyes, the taut line of his lips, the way he practically snarled the words as he left… That image and those words could be the last he ever got from Eddie. "After he left, I… I couldn't breathe for a while. I remember hearing my phone ring but it was just too far away to care about."

"Another anxiety attack?"

He gave a small nod, settling the curve of his nose against her hair as he inhaled and exhaled, reminding himself to keep his breathing calm and focused because Christopher might be able to sleep through a tornado but Buck wasn't sure that the kid could sleep through Buck falling apart.

"Hey." She pulled away slightly, peering up at him with wide, glittery eyes and cradled his cheek. "Don't go to that dark place, Ev, alright?"

He managed to meet her eyes, for a few brief moments, before his attention drifted back to Christopher. Maybe if he and Eddie had _talked_ rather than _fought_ , Eddie wouldn't have left so hurt and angry. Then maybe Eddie wouldn't have felt like he needed to intervene with someone being hurt and then he wouldn't have gotten shot. Or maybe Eddie would have stayed at his apartment longer so he'd never have been on the street in the first place. Maybe someone else would've gotten hurt but at least it wouldn't be Eddie, and so if it wasn't Eddie then Chris wouldn't be so sad as well.

"I really, really wish you'd talk to someone about everything," Maddie continued, curling her fingers at his jaw to keep his head raised. "I don't know if it's the tsunami, or the truck, or Eddie, or something else entirely anymore, but you're _suffering_ , Evan. I _know_ you're suffering with it all and you _shouldn't_ be."

"What if I deserve it?" he whispered before he fully thought through that this was his sister. The way her brows drew together almost instantly made it clear she wasn't going to tolerate that line of thinking any better than Eddie, and he _never_ put up with it. Buck immediately felt like he needed to back-pedal as he groped for some way to cover up his slip.

" _Deserve_ it?" she hissed, her fingers clenching against his skin so that he couldn't flee. "Evan, what the _hell_ -"

Christopher whimpered in his sleep, legs twitching in Buck's lap. Maddie faltered which allowed Buck the chance to divert his attention, running his fingers through Christopher's hair until the pinched tension in his face started to ease.

"I should get him to bed," he said, wondering if Maddie would forget what he said by the time he was done getting the kid into bed. Judging by the look on her face, there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening.

Christopher stirred as he was dislodged from Buck's lap, eyes half-opening when Buck shuffled towards the hallway. "Bucky?"

"Yeah, angel. I've still got you," he said, reminding Chris of his promise earlier in the day. "How about we get you into your PJs and tucked into bed, okay?"

"Should I brush my teeth?"

He paused. "Are you awake enough for that?"

Chris gave a jerky sort of nod and so Buck detoured to the bathroom, fetching Christopher's pyjamas from his clothing hamper and lightly massaging the kid's shoulders as he brushed his teeth. Around his toothbrush, Chris' eyes were heavily lidded but also filled with a faint smile.

"Buck?" Chris asked as Buck knelt so Christopher could rest his hands on Buck's shoulders while he stepped into his pyjama pants.

"Yeah, kid?"

"When will Dad come home?"

He paused, swallowing away his emotions to cup Chris' jaw and rub his thumb over the apple of his cheeks. "I honestly don't know, sweetheart," he said, gazing into the sad hazel eyes, "but I know he'll be here and cuddle you all the time as soon as he's feeling better. He loves you more than anything."

"He loves you a lot too, Bucky."

"Yeah?" His eyes prickled as he swept Chris into his arms and carried him across the corridor into his room. "What makes you think that?"

"He's different when he's with you," Chris explained as Buck lowered him to the mattress, tugging blankets around his body. "He's not so sad."

Buck managed a weak sort of smile and wished he knew what to say, especially after his absolute mess of everything this morning. But he didn't. And he didn't know how to say anything to Christopher about it either. Maybe he never would. Maybe this would be his last chance to spend time with Christopher before he was forced into transferring from the 118 to escape the hate and judgement of the crew.

"Maddie's going to stay with us tonight, okay? If you wake up and need us, we'll be in your Dad's room."

Christopher nodded, tiny teeth nipping into his bottom lip. "Will you stay with me til I fall asleep, Buck?"

"Of course I will, kiddo," he murmured, scooting next to Chris so the kid could press his cheek against Buck's stomach and gentle fingers could comb through his curls. Buck wasn't sure how long it took before Chris fell asleep again but when he was satisfied there was enough weight in his tiny limbs, he carefully adjusted his head to lay on the pillow, flicked on the nightlight, and crept from the room with the door left ajar.

"So, what is it you think you _deserve_ , Evan Buckley?" Maddie said, eyes flashing as he returned to the living room and he sighed. Well shit.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, alright, hear me out, okay? I know we all want Eddie and we wanna know Eddie's okay but...we've also spent a lot of time needing to get to the point of Buck opening up to people again rather than shutting himself off, and so these conversations are important. They _are_.
> 
> ......but okay now I'm going back to my hidey-hole....


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*slinks in from the bunker*_

**Word Count:** 2,888  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

Even with Maddie's presence beside him, Buck still slept restlessly. Part of that he could blame on Christopher – the kid woke up at least three times crying out for Eddie and damn near broke Buck's heart every time he clung to Buck's chest with tiny sniffles and sobs – but the other part of that was his own nightmares which Maddie kept waking him from, hushing him with gentle hands in his hair and soothing away the terror that hadn't been so awful in months.

By the time the sun started to rise, Buck was glad for the light because at least it meant he didn't have to keep up the pretence of trying to sleep any longer. He left Maddie asleep, creeping into the bathroom to shower and then started a simple breakfast with whatever he could find in Eddie's fridge. It wasn't much – there were some eggs and bacon and he knew he couldn't burn scrambled eggs – so when Christopher finally stirred, he was ready and waiting to put on some food.

"Hey, bud," he murmured, stroking Chris' hair as the boy folded into his arms, more subdued than Buck had ever seen him. He'd bounced back after the tsunami, all things considered. He knew Chris had nightmares but he wasn't haunted as badly as Buck. He didn't have the same fear of the aquarium and he didn't recoil when the water splashed too harshly in the sink or the shower. But this latest incident? This seemed to have extinguished Christopher's bright smiles and giggles and Buck wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself for it.

"Can we see Daddy today?"

"Of course, kiddo." Buck dropped a kiss to his errant curls and ran a hand down his back. "As soon as you've had breakfast and we've got you showered and changed, we'll spend as long as you want with your Dad, okay? And I imagine your Abuela will be there too, and Pepa."

"Yeah?" Chris seemed to perk up a little at the mention of seeing his family which Buck took as a good sign.

"Of course. They'll want to see Eddie _and_ you, buddy."

"Okay." Christopher lapsed into silence for a while, fingers bunching and unbunching against Buck's shirt. Eventually, he tilted his head to stare into Buck's eyes. "Buck?"

He arched his eyebrows, humming in acknowledgement because he knew there was a question coming that he didn't want to answer.

"What happens if Daddy doesn't wake up?"

And right on cue, there it was.

Buck felt his breath catch, his heart giving a few extra painful, extra hard thumps in his chest. He squished Christopher in his arms, decorating his face with kisses that made Chris squeal and protest.

"He's got you to wake up for, remember?"

Chris didn't ask more questions, nor did he cheer up. In fact, he didn't make any sort of noise of acknowledgement or belief or acceptance of Buck's words. That made it even worse.

"You want me to carry you to the kitchen table for breakfast?"

Christopher nodded, looping his arms around Buck's neck.

He was plating up the scrambled eggs and bacon when Maddie emerged, rubbing a hand across her face. "You're up early," she observed, eyeing the food like she was surprised he could cook something.

"Couldn't sleep," he joked but she just looked at him sadly, squeezing at his hand as she drifted past to wrap her arms around Christopher's shoulders from behind.

"How's our favourite kid?"

"Buck said we can visit Daddy today," Chris said, fidgeting with his napkin and biting at his bottom lip as he peered up at her. "D'you think he'll be awake?"

"I don't know, sweetheart." She kissed his hair several times and Chris managed a small, tired sort of smile.

Chris was so quiet while they ate it was unnerving and Buck wasn't sure what to say to Maddie to fill the silence. It seemed she had the same difficulty. It meant a lot of awkward glances and chewing noises and by the time they were done eating, he was grateful to move on and find something else to do.

"I'll clean up," Maddie said, gesturing at the plates. "You get Chris ready."

"You sure?"

She nodded and he helped Chris to his feet, providing some support on the return to his room when he didn't have his crutches or braces.

"I can shower and dress myself, Buck," Chris insisted as Buck retrieved a change of clothes and fussed around him. "I'm not a child."

Buck huffed a laugh and ran his fingers through Chris' hair. "You'll be twenty-five and you'll still be your Dad's little kid, champ."

Christopher scrunched his nose as he grabbed at his crutches, the tapping noises following Buck into the bathroom. "Twenty-five is _old_ , Buck."

"What?" he exclaimed with exaggerated surprise as he put the clothes on the bench and poked and prodded at his face in the mirror. "Oh my God, I'm _old_?!"

"Yeah, Buck. You're gonna get wrinkles soon."

He laughed despite the clouds of misery that continued to float around him and for the first time all morning, Chris managed one of his more genuine smiles.

"Shoo, kid. Go get your own shower wrinkles!"

There was a small giggle as Chris whacked at Buck's ankle to get him out of the bathroom and Buck couldn't help fretting as Chris closed the door. He wondered if Chris really was okay by himself. He knew Eddie tended to still provide some help with showering in the mornings, and they both knew Chris was yet to master the fine motor skills required for buttons.

"Hey." Maddie touched his shoulder, tugging him away from wringing his hands by the bathroom door as he listened for sounds of crashing or cries of distress. "He might have CP but he's nine, right? If he says he can shower himself, let him do this."

Buck remained on alert for any sound of a crutch slipping, or a bottle clattering to the floor, or a screech of his name. By the time Christopher emerged, his hair in wet ringlets and his cheeks pinked with the heat of the shower, Buck was about ready to lose his mind.

"Told you," Chris said, a satisfied grin on his face as he tapped his way towards Buck. "Does that mean we can see Daddy now?"

Buck glanced at Maddie, still feeling uneasy at seeing Eddie again.

"Call me," she murmured, folding him into a hug that he clung to. "Send out the Bat Signal and we'll all come, okay?"

He nodded, fully aware that he wouldn't reach out when he finally had the chance to go to pieces. "I love you," he whispered against her ear and she squeezed him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Love you too, Ev."

She gave Christopher an extra-long cuddle before spinning away to have a shower and change into her work clothes, and Buck attempted to distract Christopher by packing a small bag with some snacks and his coloured markers and paper.

"You could make your Dad a card," he suggested when Christopher asked why it was necessary.

"You _did_ see him yesterday, right?" Christopher said, enough sass in his tone that for a moment Buck forgot how old the kid was.

Still, he shoved a colouring book and the paper and markers into the bag, and a small container of Legos, because he didn't know how long they planned on being at the hospital and he didn't know who else would be there and he didn't even really know visiting hours but at least he could be prepared for any and every eventuality and-

"Buck?"

"Hm?" He wiggled a water bottle into the top of the bag, the zipper straining against all the things he'd tried to squeeze in.

"Thank you for taking care of me."

He froze, his breath getting stuck somewhere in his throat as he looked over at Chris sitting at the table, his hands bunching and unbunching against the timber. "Of course, buddy," he said, frowning at his attempt to get the zip finally shut. He placed the bag on the floor and moved around the table, crouching in front of Chris until he could meet the kid's eyes. "You know I'd do anything for you, right?"

Christopher's hand bumped against his cheek, fingers curled against his jaw like at the pier all those many months ago. "I know. You're gonna be okay, kid."

He tilted his head to kiss the small palm and there was a shy smile on Chris' face that gave Buck at least a glimmer of hope that maybe the kid wasn't completely broken yet.

"Now, we need to get you shoes and socks. You've got your crutches. Do you need anything else?"

"You couldn't fit it in my bag if I did," Chris pointed out and he snorted, ruffling the kid's hair as Christopher grinned.

By the time Buck had Chris' shoes and socks on, Maddie had returned from her shower and was tying her hair into a loose ponytail.

"You sure you're okay to work today?" he said as he heaved Chris' bag onto his shoulder and, okay, maybe he'd overdone it a bit. He wasn't exactly sure how many things he'd put inside but the weight made it clear there was a lot.

"It's my job," Maddie said with a sad smile, like somehow that excused all the grief and trauma she had to listen to every time she went to the dispatch centre. Buck wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her hair, and between them they helped Chris out of the house and into Buck's truck.

"I need to find out what happened to Eddie's truck," he said thoughtfully after he'd gotten Christopher strapped into the backseat.

"I…think the guys who shot him stole it," Maddie said, biting her bottom lip and giving Chris a wave through the window. Buck just stared at her. "Athena was more focused on getting Eddie to the hospital but I'm sure she's following up on it today."

"You… Is there anything _else_ you'd like to tell me?"

She shrugged, eyes flitting around rather than making eye contact. His gaze narrowed because yes, there was definitely something else she was holding back. He almost called her out on it but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it at the start of the day, with Christopher behind him. "I'll try to call Athena today and see if she has any updates, okay?"

He nodded, giving her one final hug before they separated in their different directions.

* * *

There wasn't any change in Eddie's condition but Isabel was there, dressed in a fresh change of clothes, as well as Pepa. Both stood to embrace him when they spotted him walking with Christopher, then showering Chris with cuddles and kisses.

"Helena and Ramon are flying in this afternoon with Adriana and Sophia," Isabel said, glancing at her watch. "Pepa will pick them up while I stay with Edmundo. How is the little one?"

"He's scared," he admitted, biting his bottom lip as he processed the influx of Diaz family members that would soon descend on the hospital and make him unnecessary. "We all are."

Isabel squeezed his shoulder. "I do not want you to feel you are unwelcome here, Evan, I have spoken with Helena and she wants to keep Christopher with us. I know you will still have work. We cannot expect you to take care of our little boy, our niño pequeño, while Edmundo is here."

He felt his heart twist in his chest, looking towards Chris as he talked with Pepa. It was starting. He was being pushed out of Eddie's life by his family. Did they know about the fight? "It's really no trouble-"

"You have your own life." She squeezed his shoulder again, gazing into his eyes and making him focus on her. "You are welcome to see Edmundo, any time. You are welcome to see Christopher, any time. But please, do not feel obligated-"

"He's not an obligation," he insisted and the smile she gave him was laden with care and understanding that did nothing for his anxieties about Eddie's wellbeing.

"You care for him," she said, her hand reaching to cup his cheek. " _Both_ of them, and I would never stop you from being around Edmundo or Christopher but you must take care of yourself too, Evan. My Eddie would never forgive me if I did not look out for you. It will not be easy for any of us and it is not healthy for you to keep hiding your feelings from Christopher when you need time to process and heal with your own family and friends and your station crew. I am not trying to punish you, Evan. Do you understand?"

He couldn't deny that it hurt, because there was a very insistent voice trying to make him believe that she _was_ kicking him out, that she knew about the fight with Eddie yesterday and she'd changed her mind and wanted to keep them apart. Logically, though, he knew she was right. With Christopher to take care of and Maddie staying over, he'd fought to hold it together even though it was with staples and paperclips and sticky-tape. He had people he could call on but Eddie was…different. Eddie was his best friend, and someone who had Buck's heart. He wasn't sure how he was ever meant to be okay again.

"You- You're sure I can see him any time?"

She patted his cheek lightly. "I would not stand in the way of a man's love, querido."

He was pretty sure his cheeks flushed.

"Would you like to see him?"

And he would, if only to reassure himself that Eddie's heart was still beating, and his lungs were still inflating, and there was still life in his brain, but…now that Buck was here, now that he was being encouraged to leave Christopher with his relatives for the foreseeable future, he felt like a rapidly deflating balloon. Maddie thought he'd be here all day so disappearing into his apartment and getting drunk was starting to sound incredibly appealing.

He shook his head, glancing at Christopher. "You have my number, right? If Chris needs me?"

"Of course. Pepa can text you my address so that you can visit Christopher when we are not here."

The decision apparently made that he could leave, he hugged Isabel and then Pepa reached for him to thank him for taking care of Chris. And then Buck had to awkwardly attempt to explain to Chris that his grandmother and grandfather and aunties were flying in from El Paso and were going to help take care of him.

"But… I thought _you_ were gonna take care of me, Bucky," Christopher said, his bottom lip wobbling as Buck crouched in front of him, hands folding around where Chris' gripped his crutches.

"Your Abuela and Pepa have my number. If you need me, you call and I'll be right over, alright?" He squeezed Christopher's hands. "I love you more than anything, bud. This is just… I still have work, you know? I can't be around as much as I'd like." It didn't seem important to mention that Bobby had essentially given him time off yesterday. That just meant people would expect him to be available or around and Buck wasn't sure that he could do that.

"That's not true," Christopher said, a small frown dipping his eyebrows together.

Buck blinked, wondering if Chris had seen straight through the lie even though Buck had always sworn he'd never conceal the truth. "What isn't?"

"That you love me more than anything. You love Dad more."

His eyes grew very wide and he was pretty sure Isabel hid her smile behind the hand she raised to conceal her cough, and if he'd looked he probably would have seen Pepa's amused grin too.

"I still love you a lot, bud." He tugged Christopher into a hug, feeling the crutches bump against his back. "And I'll be there for you in a heartbeat if you need me, okay? Day or night."

Christopher nodded against him and he kissed Christopher's cheek, temple, forehead, hair, over and over, until Chris was giggling and pushing him away.

"You'll be okay, little angel?"

"I'll be okay, kid," Christopher intoned with a determined nod. He never ceased to amaze Buck.

"I'll hear from you soon?" he said, glancing at Isabel, who hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"You take care of yourself too," she said, somewhat stern, and he ducked his head and gave an awkward farewell wave to Pepa, escaping the oppressive hospital corridors and wondering if someone would call him Goldilocks for returning to Eddie's house and crawling into his bed, inhaling the traces of his scent on the sheets and finding comfort in a house that wasn't his.

Someone probably would.

Or, worse, someone would call 911 and report him for breaking and entering and Athena would find his drunk, moping ass.

So he returned to his apartment, which felt as cold and lonely and empty as ever, and collapsed face-first into his bed where he finally allowed himself to cry. The bottle of vodka that he'd bought on the drive home lay untouched on the bedside table.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*slinks out back to the bunker*_


	28. Chapter 28

**Word Count:** 3,272  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

Time ceased to have a lot of meaning. Buck slept when he was tired – even if daylight filtered into his loft – and he ate when he was hungry – even if it was terribly dark outside – and he showered when he felt the need to and it didn't scare the shit out of him again – but seeing as he had nowhere to go and no one to see, there wasn't much need so he let the fear win – and he stared at the wall a lot, or the ceiling, or the empty TV screen.

Not having Christopher was a blessing – he had his own time and space.

But not having Christopher was also a curse – he could truly sink under the layers of misery and despair that had always threatened to engulf him.

It wasn't the first time he'd felt like this, of course. Buck could remember Eddie coming over, tearing the sheets off his body, demanding he get out of bed almost a year ago…and then springing taking care of Christopher on him. And this time, no matter how much he reminded himself about Eddie's belief that Chris never felt sorry for himself, he knew Chris was struggling just as much. The tearful calls of a broken boy late at night were proof enough of that. Buck felt like there weren't any words he could say that could provide enough comfort

As far as Buck was concerned, he was doing a great job at rebuffing the 118's texts. Hen sent a lot of messages asking if he was okay, if he'd seen Eddie, if he needed some leftovers so he didn't have to cook. Maddie sent him a lot of messages, asking if he wanted her to come over to keep him company. Bobby sent him messages, asking how he and Eddie and Christopher were doing, that he was welcome at Athena's any time. And Buck… Buck often just left the messages sitting there, unopened and unanswered, until sometime later in the day when he'd apologise and claim he'd been with Eddie and had his phone off.

But he hadn't been to see Eddie.

Without Christopher urging him to go to the hospital, it was too impossible to work up the nerve to see Eddie or the Diaz clan that would have gathered at the hospital. Deep down, Buck was also afraid to leave his house in case _he_ got shot, or another tsunami hit, or his car was bombed. He was afraid to see Eddie with all the tubes and wires spilling out of him, and he was afraid of Eddie not waking up. And maybe, deeper down, he was even more afraid of Eddie waking up and Buck being there and Eddie losing it and telling him to get out. He'd imagined that scenario – he'd _dreamed_ that scenario – more times than he cared to count. He ended up in tears of guilt and shame and fear every time, hyperventilating so harshly that his throat and lungs were in a perpetual state of pain.

So he stayed inside his apartment because at least there weren't any threats there and he tracked shadows across whatever flat surface he was blankly staring at for that day because at least it passed the time.

He wasn't sure how many days had passed before there was a knock at his door. It was more like a pounding really, and he was tempted to ignore it because if it was someone from the 118, he could pretend he'd been at the hospital, or getting groceries, or seeing Christopher. If it was Maddie, he could find a slightly different story he knew she'd believe. He didn't want to see anyone. He-

"Don't you dare leave me outside this door, Evan Buckley!"

He inhaled sharply, unwilling to move but knowing he'd be in even worse trouble if he didn't. He rose from the couch, muscles stiff at lying in different places in his apartment and thoroughly unused. A few days of doing nothing would probably mean a few _weeks_ to get back the muscle mass he'd started to lose from all the inaction, but he couldn't think that far ahead. He couldn't think about anything except the crushing pain in his chest.

For the first time in days, he unlatched the door for someone other than a delivery person.

"So you _are_ alive," Carla said, fixing him with a shrewd and disappointed look, hands on her hips as her eyes scanned over him. There was a flash of something in her eyes but it was gone by the time she met his stare. "I was starting to think I'd have to call 911 to break your door down. That would've been ironic."

He held onto the door handle for something to do, his bulk blocking the doorway but Carla wouldn't take no for an answer or listen to his refusals. She pushed her way inside because she had no appreciation of boundaries when he was wallowing. She made an appalled noise as she surveyed the mess that his apartment had turned into before folding her arms over her chest and glaring at him.

"Right. Time to get you showered and dressed and looking like an actual person again. I'll clean up so that the mess out here-" She gestured at the various take-out containers he'd left on the kitchen island, "stops reflecting the mess in there." She waved towards his head. "Then we'll go."

He blinked.

"Go? Go where?"

"The _hospital_ ," she said with a very dramatic eye roll like it was the only answer to every question in the history of existence. "You need to see Eddie."

"I-" The words tangled in his throat and he swallowed, rubbing at the uncomfortable pain that had flared in his chest at her words. "N-No, I don't."

"Yes, you do." She approached him, her hands out and cradling his face before he'd fully registered her movement. And her glare had softened, something sad in the edge of her smile. "He's been awake almost a week and everyone else has seen him except you, baby. He's starting to think you don't love him anymore."

His eyes grew wide and she rubbed her thumb against his cheekbones.

"C'mon, Boo. What's going on? I didn't even see you this bad after Abby left."

The memory of Abby stung and from anyone else, he probably would have pulled away and gotten angry. But Carla was different. She'd seen his relationship with Abby blossom from a very different perspective, and then she'd seen the way Abby left him in a cage of thorns that pricked him whenever he tried to move.

He wasn't exactly sure what had helped get him free of the cage but he had a suspicion that Eddie's constant friendship and Christopher's constant enthusiasm had helped.

"I don't want to leave my apartment," he admitted, eyes darting over her head and skipping over key spots to help soothe the anxiety that made his hands shake at his sides. "I don't- Eddie doesn't- He won't-"

"Buckaroo, he's asking for you," she murmured, tilting his head to catch her gaze again because he probably looked like a panicked deer in the headlights. "He's been asking for you every time I've brought Christopher to see him. Yesterday, Chris told Eddie that you've spoken on the phone but you haven't seen him in more than a week and he's scared you're dying too."

He blinked.

A lot.

And his heart cracked in two.

"So you _need_ to see Eddie, okay? You need to work out whatever this thing is that's got you so tangled up inside, and you need to get out of your apartment so you realise the world outside isn't full of fears, and you _really_ need to shower because you _stink_ , Buckley." She laughed her throaty chuckle but Buck couldn't muster any sort of semblance of a smile, and that made her grin drop as she combed her fingers through his knotted hair. "Let's start with the easiest first, alright? You go shower and I'll clean up and then we'll talk."

He didn't really feel like talking but at least it sounded better than leaving his place, or seeing Eddie and getting yelled at until he had to leave, or seeing Eddie and crying. Or both. He didn't know if staying in his apartment or leaving it sounded scarier and he only realised his breathing had shallowed when he noticed the cold, sick twisting in his gut.

"Hey." Her hands slipped from his cheeks to his chest, her eyes still fixed on his. "Shower. We'll work out the rest afterwards."

It felt like his heart was using his ribs to climb to a height that it could leap into the valley of acid that was his empty stomach, but he complied because he knew there was no point arguing. She'd picked up the pieces too many times after Abby.

At the risk of leaving her still annoyed that he hadn't had a _proper_ shower, he even washed his hair. He only realised he was mumbling to himself the entire time so he had something to focus on other than the water sliding over his body when the foul taste of conditioner got onto his tongue.

She clucked her tongue approvingly as he descended to his kitchen area, small drops of water still dripping down his face and onto the collar of his shirt. The island was clear of any containers and boxes and the burst of lemon that permeated the room suggested she'd even wiped it. He didn't deserve Carla.

"Do you feel like a person again?" she said and he shrugged, fiddling with the fabric between pinched fingers because it was an actual piece of _clothing_ rather than the sweatpants and loose t-shirts he'd been living in for…over a week, if her mention of Chris' conversations was accurate. He moved to grab a spare hand towel from under the sink to get rid of the water on his skin that was making him feel sick and then she swept around to loop an arm through his elbow, dragging him towards his couch and making him sit with a gentle push. Then she sat beside him, an expectant stare on her face.

"What?" he said eventually, rubbing at his neck and the strands of hair and desperately uncomfortable and wishing he could melt into a puddle on the floor.

"C'mon, Buckley. Give me something here," she said with exasperation obvious in her tone. "You clearly haven't been taking care of yourself. Why? What's happening inside that pretty little head of yours?"

He rolled his shoulders, avoiding her gaze by pressing the towel into more of his hair to try to dry it off. "I just- I don't think Eddie would…would really want to see me."

"Why?"

"Because I hurt him," he muttered, wiping at his face when he felt another droplet start to streak down his temple and digging the edges of his fingernails painfully into his palm at the shiver of memory it sent through him. "And then h-he got…shot. And I- I can't- I s-still… I meant what I s-said? It's clear I w-wasn't enough for h-him b-b-"

Carla scooted closer, folding her arms around his shoulders and running her hand through his damp hair. "Why do you think you weren't enough for him, honey?"

"B-Because Chris knew but w-we couldn't… We s-still weren't…" He made a little gesture that meant nothing but that she seemed to understand.

"Ah, so you two _were_ pushing the friendship boundary. Glad I was right," she said, nodding almost to herself. "But then you started to feel like it meant more to you than him, I'm guessing? Abby 2.0?"

He shrugged, but he'd be lying if he said the thought hadn't crossed his mind once or twice or a hundred times in the past week or so. He'd just wanted to feel enough for Eddie, especially because of Christopher. After feeling inadequate for Abby, and then Ali, and then Eddie, Buck was starting to think he needed to avoid anyone whose name ended in an 'ee' sound. Maybe that was the curse of being a Buckl _ey_.

"I've known you a while now, Buckaroo, and I know Eddie and Christopher pretty well too," Carla said, petting his hair and dragging the towel from his limp wrist to absorb some of the moisture on the back of his neck. "I reckon you're selling Eddie's feelings short and you need to listen to him, and not just because he has the sharpest cheekbones and jawline of anyone I've ever seen and is one fine hunk of firefighter meat."

Given he'd seen Eddie mostly naked, on more than one occasion, he knew she wasn't wrong – but he was so lost in his funk that he barely reacted to her attempt at a joke, and that just made her sigh.

"Okay, okay. So next step is to get out of the house. Why haven't you left?"

There were so many reasons but he decided to just go with the first and most obvious one: "It's not safe."

She pushed him so there was enough distance between them for him to see the way her eyebrows had drawn together. "Not _safe_?"

"I've lived through an earthquake, a bombing and a tsunami. Eddie got shot. Shannon was killed." And that was just the last twelve months. He shuddered to think about the years before that, or the years to come. "So it… Staying inside is just…safer."

"Inside has spiders," she said seriously, her tone holding as much sage wisdom as it could even as she bubbled with laughter again. "Buck, you're a firefighter. You can't develop a fear of _outside_."

"It's…not a fear," he mumbled, pulling away from her so he could pick nervously at the damp collar of his shirt just to keep his shaking hands busy. "I've just wanted to be safe."

"You're using that as an excuse to avoid the hospital."

And there may well have been a kernel – or many kernels – of truth in her statement but Eddie getting shot had been some sort of final straw. It was one thing to be on duty and face terrible dangers and risks and wild rescues. It was an entirely different thing to be under threat from natural disasters and human disasters when you were minding your own business. He still didn't know exactly how Eddie had gotten involved in helping Beatrice and he honestly wasn't sure he wanted to know. It wasn't as though the knowledge would somehow change the outcome or soothe his fears.

"Please will you come with me to see Eddie, baby boy?" Carla asked, cupping his cheek and tilting his head up so she could see his eyes. "I can't promise to keep you safe but I can promise to make someone laugh if we think they're trying to harm us."

He had a feeling she wouldn't let it go. She'd probably call the 118 and demand they strap him to a gurney and cart him to the hospital if she thought it would work. And he could still remember what she'd said about Christopher thinking he was dying too because he hadn't visited. He owed Chris more than giving him new fears.

"You're not really giving me a choice, are you?" he said and she patted his cheek, a wide grin spreading over her lips.

"See? He's more than just a pretty face," she cooed and he rolled his eyes. "You have a choice, Buck. You _always_ have a choice. But answer me this: is staying inside your apartment _really_ helping?"

Sometimes, Buck forgot just how smart Carla was at seeing through all the layers of stories everyone wrapped themselves within. She'd drilled through Abby's fears and he knew she'd been invaluable to Eddie and Christopher. He should really have known what he was getting himself into when he answered the door.

He sighed, conceding a nod to her logic, and she gave his cheek another pat before letting him stand and find shoes.

She chatted during their journey to the hospital, filling his silences with stories about her husband or anecdotes about Christopher or her plans for an upcoming holiday in the summer. Though Buck barely processed most of what she said, the mere act of having to listen to her rather than his fears at least helped him not spiral into an anxiety attack during the drive. He felt like he was constantly monitoring the streets outside, checking to see if someone looked dangerous or could be a potential threat. He hated the red lights because he felt like a sitting duck, even though it wasn't a fear he'd ever had before.

She parked her car in the hospital lot, then came around the passenger side to loop her arm through his and gently steer him into the hospital.

"Are you actually sure he wants to see me?" he said, interrupting whatever she'd been telling him about some other family she worked for when Christopher was at school.

"Eddie?" She wriggled her arm against his. "Absolutely. And Christopher wants to see you as well."

Buck remained unconvinced but he let Carla continue guiding him. He saw the sign for the ICU but she led him in the opposite direction and he realised, with a dull sort of ache behind his ribcage, that he'd let enough time pass that Eddie was out of critical care. He remembered the wounds, the doctor mentioning Eddie would need rehab for his arm. Would it be like the rehab Buck needed for his leg? Would it take months and months of hair-tearing frustration? Would Bobby restrict Eddie's return too?

When they finally stopped in front of a room with a partially closed door, Buck really had no idea which ward they were on or how to get out of the hospital if he needed to. It makes his throat tighten, the feeling that he couldn't find an escape, and he had to shut his eyes for a moment and concentrate on his breathing when the anxiety nipped at his heels and toes and fingers.

Carla brushed her hand over his and squeezed, her thumb moving in an aimless pattern. "Do you want me to check on him first?"

He shook his head, the heavy, sick feeling returning as he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled. Maybe he just needed to confirm for himself that Eddie was okay and then the nightmares would ease, and every time he closed his eyes while sprawled on the couch he wouldn't see Eddie hooked up to all the machines and monitors, and then they could settle the argument that had been started, and…then what? Buck put in transfer papers?

He shook his head again and when he opened his eyes, Carla's eyebrows were drawn together. "I'll wait out here unless you stick your head out and tell me to leave because everything's okay, alright Buckaroo?"

He nodded and attempted to swallow, but his throat was dry and a ball of nerves was lodged in his throat instead.

She released his hand and arm, propelling him gently towards the door, and he was biting his bottom lip and cheek without being consciously aware of it.

The door swung open silently when he touched the handle and he crept inside. He could immediately hear the hushed beep of a machine and the tinny sound of a television program and it was almost enough that he turned and fled before a quiet whisper of a voice made his feet freeze on the floor.

"Buck?"

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can blame my beta for putting that cliffhanger there because in my original chaptering, it just continued straight on.
> 
> Please be gentle with me and the comments you leave. I've had a terrible week and I'm running on fumes.


	29. Chapter 29

**Word Count:** 5,157  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

He froze, because there was no way that Eddie could see him when he'd barely stepped into the room and there was a curtain partway around his bed which meant Buck couldn't see him yet either but-

"No one else has tried to creep into my room this week so if it's not you, then it's someone coming back to finish the job."

And that…really wasn't Eddie's typical sense of humour but it was definitely Eddie's voice. Eddie's warm and confident voice that was tinged with concern and worry and _life_.

He shuffled into view, hovering near the corner of the curtain, and kept his eyes fixed on the floor because he was too scared of what he'd see, too scared of what he'd say, too scared to even _think_ about-

"Evan?"

He pushed his fingers into the pockets of his jeans in an attempt to hide how they trembled, but Eddie had probably already seen it. Eddie was always the observant and rational one. Buck was always the one who moved too quickly, too stupidly, and broke everything in his path.

"Please, I-" Eddie released a slow breath, not quite a sigh but certainly something like it. Buck wondered how much pain he was still in. "I don't have amnesia. I know what you said…before. But I- I really, really need _you_ , Evan. Please."

Buck chanced a quick look at Eddie, and he at least had a hospital gown covering his chest now, and less tubes and wires spouting everywhere, and there was colour in his face again, and he…could almost have passed for looking normal. It was a significant improvement on when he'd seen Eddie in the ICU.

"Please?" Eddie said again, extending his right hand and wriggling the fingers to encourage him closer. Buck's eyes traced over the left arm, folded over his chest and wrapped in a thick cast and a black brace that snaked from his wrist to his elbow and higher, disappearing into the sleeve of the hospital gown.

"I didn't- I didn't want this," Buck said, unmoved by the palm that was extended towards him and returning his eyes to a really interesting speck on the floor.

"Want what? Me getting shot? Well, that's a relief to hear. I didn't want it either."

Buck opened his mouth to reply before sealing it shut again, his words failing him although he'd hardly spoken for over a week. The disconnect between his mouth and brain seemed like an entire transmission tower was missing.

"That- That's not-"

"I know, Evan, I know," Eddie relented, his tone gentling. "And I- I should tone down the gallows humour, huh? You look rattled."

"You nearly _died_ ," Buck said, his voice cracking because ever since that day, every time he'd closed his eyes, he'd seen Eddie's funeral and he'd seen Eddie's blood on his hands and he'd woken up to the sound of his scream of Eddie's name and-

"It's not the first time I've been shot at, Buck," Eddie replied, deceptively calm, and for a moment, Buck's breath stuck in his lungs. Eddie _never_ talked about his time in the military, never even breathed a word of how or why he got a Silver Star. It was… Buck hadn't expected Eddie to be okay, especially after the home invasion call they'd had earlier in the year, and to Buck it had felt like the Latest Awful Disaster that he'd brought upon someone. But for Eddie… Getting shot wasn't the big deal that Buck thought it was. It didn't make it easier to deal with but it did change his perspective a little.

He inched closer to Eddie until light fingers touched his arm, until they skimmed his skin and tangled around his hand.

"I'm _sorry_ ," Eddie said and Buck frowned, looking at their joined hands like _they_ had personally wronged him.

" _You're_ sorry?"

"Yes, _I'm_ sorry," Eddie repeated, squeezing his hand and drawing his attention slowly upwards. His eyes were clear, reflecting none of the turmoil that had plagued Buck for weeks or months. He wondered if a near-death experience did that to a person who was used to them, or if he and Eddie just handled things completely differently. Perhaps a bit of both. Maybe that was how Christopher coped so well all the time. He had Eddie as a role model. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you aren't enough for me, and I'm sorry I made you feel like you don't matter to me when we're at work. _Nothing_ could be further from the truth, _mi amor_."

Buck traced Eddie's expression, looking for any of his usual tells for nerves or uncertainty or deception. He'd gotten used to Eddie concealing feelings from him with the fighting ring but this? This openness was a different side to Eddie and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.

"I have…a bad habit of hurting the people I love most," Eddie admitted, glancing towards their hands and making Buck aware of how Eddie's thumb was tracing absent patterns over his knuckles.

It took Buck far too long to process what Eddie had said.

And then he was doing the blinking thing again when he met Eddie's calm brown eyes.

"And I- I'm hoping you feel the same," Eddie continued, his Adam's apple bobbing the only real sign of nerves even though he was basically laying his heart in front of Buck. "I'm hoping that it wasn't just an act, or that I'm the only one that feels anything. And I'm trying really hard not to be the one who gets hurt here so-"

"How can you just…" Buck wanted to pull his hand away but he didn't want to give Eddie the wrong idea, either. He hesitated and Eddie curled his fingers tighter, anchoring him to the side of the bed like he knew Buck wanted to withdraw or flee or both. "How can you just…forgive me? Or… Or whatever this is. After what I said? After what _you_ said when you left? I thought… No, I _know_ I fucked everything up and I just- How can you-"

"I got shot," Eddie said simply, and it answered a lot of things and none of the questions all at the same time. "I realised while I was lying there that I was- What you said was similar to some of what Shannon said," Eddie explained, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip. "And it hurt. It scratched at areas I thought didn't hurt anymore. So I had to leave because when I get hurt, I say the worst sort of shit and I didn't want to hurt you more than I knew you were already hurting. So I left so I could calm down. And then I got shot."

Eddie shrugged, though only his right shoulder rose, his hand in Buck's shifting slightly.

"I was scared. I couldn't not be. I knew what getting shot meant, and I knew how bad it could get." Eddie's voice drifted towards a whisper and a bit of distance crept into his unfocused eyes that reminded Buck of the impact of that house call in January. "I could hear Beatrice talking to the 911 operator, though I didn't know it was Maddie at the time, and I could feel her hands against me to hold pressure and it was _agonising_ but…but more agonising was all the fear I started feeling."

Buck noticed the tension and slight tremble in Eddie's hand and he covered it with his other, encasing Eddie's fingers and grateful he still had the chance to do that, that the hand was warm and firm and clinging to his own.

"I felt all the fear because I- I was scared for Christopher and I knew I had to fight for him, because my son needs his father. I was scared for my Abuela and my relatives, whom I love very deeply and who didn't deserve to worry about me while I was in Afghanistan and then I got shot on some LA street for stepping into a situation when I should've called 911 myself."

Eddie's voice broke and Buck was no longer sure whose hand was squeezing tighter but the touch seemed to be a lifeline to staying sane.

"But I was also scared for _you_ , and I was scared of not being with you, and I was scared for how you would cope because I knew you'd blame yourself." Something like a wry smile tugged at one side of Eddie's lips, an eyebrow lifting and fixing Buck to the spot. "It's amazing how easily you make life-altering decisions in the stark and obvious cold light of day, so it was pretty clear amid the haze and the pain that if I got out of there and lived, I couldn't have regrets and I couldn't hold your pain and anger against you. I needed you to know that it hurt me at the time but I couldn't hold onto that hurt. I knew how you felt was born from not talking to each other properly and I had to make sure you knew that."

"But…" Buck bit at his cheek but it wasn't enough to stop the single tear sliding down his cheek. "Eddie, I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"Yeah, I thought you'd say that," Eddie teased, grin stretching to the other side of his mouth. "I've had a lot of hours to lie here and think about what I'd say to you and how you'd respond to everything. Every day that went by, every day that someone asked how you were holding up which made it clear you were lying in your texts to them, made it clear to me that you'd gone back to that place where you didn't leave your apartment for a week. Which just made it more and more obvious than whenever you finally got here, you'd basically say exactly that."

Buck opened his mouth to deny it but he couldn't, and there was a knowing glint in Eddie's eyes that made it crystal clear Eddie knew him better than Buck thought he was comfortable with. He wasn't even sure Maddie saw all the broken pieces but he supposed Maddie wasn't the one that had pulled away the bedding, or had witnessed his breakdown after nearly drowning in the elevator, or had helped him remember how to breathe by the side of a pool or in the locker room. Eddie had seen all those bits and kept holding them together until Buck felt strong enough to hold them himself.

The swirling nerves behind his ribcage that _that_ realisation left him with was like some sort of combination of butterflies and a constant thrum of his heartbeat which made his stomach churn. He met Eddie's eyes and felt like he got lost in the gentle sincerity within the brown depths, the slight crease around the outside because of the smile at Eddie's lips.

"I know the team all know too," Eddie continued, eyebrows quirking upwards as Buck ducked his head, heat flooding his face. "Something about my kid asking the cutest questions and leaving you embarrassed?"

"Yeah…" he breathed, trying to clear his throat of the hoarseness. "He…asked if I didn't like you anymore. I think it tipped everyone off."

"And Bobby said they had a betting pool?"

"He told you that too?" Buck said, a small flicker of a smile when he met Eddie's amused grin. "I didn't understand what he meant."

"Apparently they kept seeing the way we looked at each other and wondered when we'd finally, and I quote, 'get it out of our system and bang'," Eddie explained, which made Buck's cheeks almost certainly flush darker as he stared in shock or horror or surprise. "Joke's on them for not realising we already kind of were."

Buck opened his mouth and then realised he had nothing to say, left without words like so often around Eddie. Eddie snorted, then groaned softly in pain, and squeezed his hand again.

"You mean so much more to me than that though, Evan," Eddie said, tugging him closer to the bed with a tone like warm honey that seeped into the scared and scarred parts of Buck's soul. "You and Christopher have become so integrated into my life that I can't imagine what it would be like without you in it."

Buck felt his chest tighten, hesitating over the words as he looked past Eddie's head to a spot on the wall. "I- I could transfer."

"Why the hell would you do that?" Eddie replied, his eyebrows furrowing.

"To be less…integrated," he said lamely with a small sort of shrug.

"Hey. No." Eddie shook his head, the way he held onto Buck's hand almost painful and forcing his gaze back to Eddie's eyes that now looked uncertain and afraid. "I'm asking you to _stay_ in our lives, Ev. I'm asking you to stay with _me_. If I have to tell you every single day that I love you a hundred times then-"

Perhaps, if Buck had thought this through, he would have realised how awkward it was to kiss someone propped up in a hospital bed when both your hands were holding onto one of theirs. He might have realised the danger of tipping forward too far, of applying too much pressure to Eddie's mouth or his chest or his abdomen, of his emotions unravelling which made it too easy for tears to spill down his cheeks.

But that was why Buck was the quick, impulsive firefighter that he was.

He didn't think those sorts of things through.

He managed to free one of his hands so he could cradle Eddie's cheek, deepening the kiss and soaking in the comfort and the heat that he hadn't let himself feel for weeks, the bright spots of _hope_ and _possibility_ that Eddie left him with rather than the hollow and cold feeling that had been haunting him for months.

" _Evan_ …" Eddie whimpered against his lips and Buck forced himself to stop, foreheads pressed together as he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled, soothing the anxieties and the fears and the doubts. " _Please_ tell me I'm not the only one in love here?"

"You're not," Buck assured, kissing the edge of Eddie's lips and tracing fingers over his temple and hairline and ear and jaw and the developing _beard_ he had going on after more than a week in a hospital bed. "Your Abuela called me out on it and Chris was there for that conversation too." Eddie huffed a laugh against his mouth, dragging the tip of his nose against the slope of Buck's. "I- I just got so afraid that…that maybe I was loving you too much but you didn't feel the same and so I- I needed to protect myself and stop feeling it."

"Gracias a Dios, idiota," Eddie murmured, tilting his head until he found Buck's lips for another kiss that didn't last long enough but was still a balm to Buck's splintered soul. "Please don't stop showing it, okay? The house knows. My Abuela and Pepa and mom and dad and sisters know. My _son_ knew before I did," Eddie said with a small laugh as he gazed at Buck. "We don't have to hide it anymore, okay?"

Buck hesitated and Eddie either sensed it or felt it.

"What?" Eddie prompted.

"Just… I don't want this to be like some teenage…experimentation thing," he said, drawing away and scrunching his eyes shut so he didn't have to see the way Eddie's eyebrows would pinch together above his confused eyes.

"Is that what you think this is? That I'm… _experimenting_ with you?" Eddie's hand clasped at Buck's arm, drawing his heart away from its precarious teetering on the edge of the abyss. "I've told you this before, Ev, but I'm not some innocent virgin. I know what love feels like. I know how happy you make me. This isn't an experiment to me. I'm not trying _experimenting_ to work out what or who I like because I already _know_ that I like you."

"'Liking me' sounds an awful lot like something a teenager would say," Buck pointed out, fighting a petulant smile as he reopened his eyes to witness Eddie's huff of frustration and scrunched nose.

" _Dios míos_ , what else do I have to say to get you to listen to me, Evan Buckley?"

"I'm listening," Buck said, meeting Eddie's large brown depths that he would gladly lose himself in when he had the chance. "It's just been a mess of a week."

Eddie tugged him into another kiss that was softer and slower and coaxed a small whimper from his lips when Eddie's thumb pressed against the pulsepoint in his throat. He could feel Eddie's smile against his mouth and between that and the firmer press of his thumb, a shudder rippled down his spine. Stupid Eddie being fully aware of sensitive spots to drive him crazy.

"Lucky for you," Eddie murmured like he hadn't just made Buck's brain melt out his ears, "I'm literally staying where I am for the rest of the day and you can tell me all about it."

Buck rolled his eyes and Eddie sighed, loosening his hand against Buck's skin and letting it drag over his shoulder and down his arm.

"No puedo creer que esto tenga que decirse," Eddie mumbled as he looked towards the ceiling for a long moment, evidently to gather his thoughts, and then returned his gaze to Buck's. "I mean it, Evan. What is it you want from me? What can I say that will reassure you?"

And Buck really didn't know. He'd always been insecure when it came to believing anyone really wanted him, was really willing to _commit_ to him for something. Abby had cut and run when he hadn't expected it. Ali hadn't been able to reconcile how much he loved his job even when he faced months of rehab. The guys he'd fooled around with as a teenager hadn't been very clear in knowing who they were yet, so it had all been a secretive thing. He was a spider's web of uncertainties and the fact that Eddie had a kid, and he'd been married to a woman, and would be able to obtain anyone he seriously wanted, made Buck question why Eddie wanted _him_. He wasn't insecure in his appearance. He knew plenty of eyes followed him. He just…seriously doubted that Eddie wanted to put up with his baggage, or his anxieties.

"What?" Eddie prodded, both verbally and with the hand against Buck's arm.

He tugged himself free purely to fold his arms over his chest, stitching together the broken pieces in an effort to preserve some semblance of dignity over his thoughts and feelings and insecurities.

"I lost your kid," he said, inching backwards and nearly tripping over a plastic chair or a machine stand. "And you were married. And I…was a sex addict who slept with my therapist. And I'm not- I try not to be that person anymore but you-" He shook his head and licked his lips and tried to remember the obvious thing he needed to do: inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. "If you find someone better-"

"Mi amor, _cállate_ – shut up," Eddie translated, a pinched frown on his face.

But Buck shook his head because if Eddie needed to know what to say then Eddie needed to listen to him talk. "No one's ever stuck around, Eddie. It all starts out well enough and then something always happens and I'm left behind and I- I can't- You mean too much to me and- a-and Christopher too and I-"

"Evan, cariño, hush. I know all this and I'm not like Abby or Ali."

Very slowly and very carefully, Eddie sat up in his bed and shifted until his legs were hanging off the edge of the mattress. Buck was faintly terrified he was about to be backed into a corner and shaken until some sense rattled into his head, and perhaps Eddie picked up on that and stayed where he was, or maybe he could sit on the edge of his bed but he wasn't cleared yet to stand or walk. Buck didn't know.

"First of all, we've been through this – _so many times but_ _I'll keep saying it_ – that Evan Buckley, you _saved_ my kid. Without you, or if it had been someone else who didn't have your crisis training and quick responses, Christopher would be gone. I may- I might not even have had a body," Eddie admitted, and Buck's eyes fell away because he'd thought that too. "You know my Abuela took Christopher to the pier too? It could have just as easily been one of her days looking after him and I could have just as easily have lost both of them in that water. Instead, _both_ of you came back to me."

Eddie's voice was calm and steady, his words low and soothing like Buck was a spooked animal that would so easily flee. Maybe he would. Maybe he should. He tried to listen to Eddie's words, tried to believe them, but…he still felt so much guilt and shame even though the tsunami had happened almost a year ago. It probably wasn't helped by how the nightmares had returned with such a vengeance this week, rattling the cages of every anxiety he'd tried to lock away.

"Yes, I was married," Eddie continued, gaze fixed on Buck. "I _was_ married but we both know that wasn't really a marriage because we've talked about that too. I wasn't there for her and Christopher, and then she left and wasn't there for me and Christopher. That is the total opposite of what I believe _we_ have. You adore my son and I adore you for it. My marriage…" Eddie swallowed, eyes drifting out of focus and slightly away from Buck's head. "My marriage was because she fell pregnant with Christopher and we knew our parents would lose it. And I loved her, I really did care for her deeply. The fact that Christopher lost his mom when they were starting to reconnect after I concealed her presence from him for months is…" Eddie sighed, shaking his head and squashing his lips from one side to the other. "That's my burden to bear but you cannot protect your heart from me because _I_ was _married_ to _Shannon_ because she's _dead_ , Buck."

And it was…incredibly blunt and a little harsh and terribly broken and Buck felt the guilt all over again when Eddie held out his right hand, fingers jerking towards him. "And as for Buck 1.0, I don't care who you were or what you were or how you behaved before I met you. I care about who you are now, who you are to me and who you are to Christopher. I care about how you behave towards _us_ , and I care about how much I love you." Eddie stared at him and waited with more patience than Buck thought he possessed. "I can love Shannon _and_ I can love you and not have this be a teenager experimentation phase, Buck. _You_ are not a phase to me."

Buck knew he was still warring with himself and all the turmoil of the past week had left him wrung out and strung out. His chest ached to believe Eddie but his brain still struggled with the noise and he-

"You know I enlisted when Don't Ask Don't Tell was in effect? Even after it was repealed, there was still a lot of uncertainty and fear about being out." Eddie's abrupt change in conversational direction made Buck refocus on the words, a small frown spreading across his face. "There are… You said you had been with guys before, when you were a teenager. But that was…never an option for me. Not with the household I grew up in at the time. And maybe I would have, maybe I was interested? But…I never let myself. Then I enlisted and Don't Ask Don't Tell was alive and sinister and I _couldn't_ be interested, I couldn't let myself feel anything or act on those. If I got dishonourably discharged, I wouldn't have been able to face Shannon or my mom."

Buck blinked.

"So I- I think there are possibly a lot of parts of me that have been…repressed, or avoided, because there are all these complex issues," Eddie said slowly, his gaze drifting around the room as if there were words and explanations floating in front of him. "After I met _you_ and I got to know you and I- Buck, this is- What we have is more real to me than anything I've ever felt, okay? Can you try to understand that for me? I'm still figuring out if I should be getting a pink, purple and blue flag or a rainbow flag drawn on my face at Pride in a couple of months but that detail doesn't and _won't_ change how I feel about _you_."

And that… Buck could work with that.

He shuffled closer, still afraid but that anxiety just seemed to be something that always simmered below the surface. Eddie's whole face brightened, like Buck getting closer was some sort of version of the sun, and when Buck was close enough to slide his hand against Eddie's neck and tip his head to kiss him, Eddie was more than willing to kiss back, to twist his fingers into Buck's shirt and hold him close.

"I _love_ you, Evan," Eddie whispered repeatedly between kisses and Buck wasn't sure if he was trembling or Eddie was trembling. Maybe they both were.

"I'm sorry I'm so…everything," Buck mumbled but Eddie shook his head, hand rubbing over Buck's chest.

"I know I come with complicated baggage. And I know _you're_ afraid of making a mistake with me or Christopher and losing both of us." Eddie's hand settled over his heart and it spoke of an intimacy that Buck wondered if he'd ever stop being surprised by. "But I'm trusting we've built something over the last couple of years working alongside each other that won't crumble that easily. Can you trust that? Can you trust me, and Chris, that we can make this work?"

Buck gazed into Eddie's wide and hopeful eyes and knew that he could. He didn't feel whole if he didn't have Eddie in his life, and he didn't feel alive if he hadn't seen Christopher.

He managed a small nod and then kissed Eddie again and again until he realised he'd never felt like this about anyone either. It was terrifying and exciting and-

"So am I to assume all the talking was beneficial?"

He moved backwards so quickly like a teenager that had just been busted making out by his father again that Eddie nearly toppled forward, off the edge of the bed, onto the floor. Carla's delighted, smug grin drew Buck's attention back to Eddie and-

Well. Looking at Eddie's kiss-swollen lips and his flushed cheeks and shining eyes, he realised he had been thoroughly kissing the guy.

And he desperately wanted to cover up his own mortified face.

"Thank you for bringing this absolute idiot to see me," Eddie said without a hint of embarrassment, the hand still loosely tangled in Buck's shirt pulling him close again and Buck was forced into stumbling the couple of steps that meant he was back at Eddie's bedside.

"I'd say 'my pleasure' but I think that's all on you," Carla retorted, breaking into one of her loud laughs, and even Eddie snorted at that. "Now, if you two can come up for air, there are some rather impatient visitors out there that I have been trying to keep at bay but I think I'm running out of excuses."

Could Buck jump out a window? He didn't have his rappelling gear but surely he could just jump out the window anyway? Maybe someone at the bottom could open their arms and catch him before he splattered across the pavement? This was a hospital. Any damage could be fixed quickly, right?

"Send them in," Eddie said with a wave, fingers smoothing over Buck's chest. "Don't look at me like that. They're here to see me, not you."

Buck didn't even have a response to that. His mouth had disconnected from his brain, leaving it opening and closing like a dying fish.

"Bucky!"

Oh great.

"Hey, bud," he managed, the sound slightly strangled in his throat as Christopher tapped across the ground towards him and practically _hurled_ himself into Buck's outstretched arms.

Christopher immediately tucked his head into the curve of Buck's neck and shoulder, crutches bumping at Buck's body. "I missed you," Christopher murmured as Buck lifted him off the ground and onto his hip, nosing at Christopher's temple and pressing a light kiss to his cheek.

"I'm sorry I haven't seen you, little angel," he whispered, using his grasp on Christopher to cover for his failure to greet Isabel or Helena or Hen or Bobby.

"It's okay." Christopher patted his chest, right above his heart. "Dad said you would be here when you were ready and we just had to give you time."

"Oh he did, did he?" He ran his fingers through Christopher's hair and kissed his cheek again, knowing that he'd say he was grateful for Chris' forgiveness and love this year at Thanksgiving. "Your Dad's a smart man."

"Not as smart as me though. _I_ knew you loved Dad before _you_ did."

And it was said with such childish wonder and innocence that he burst into laughter, drawing the attention of everyone else in the room.

"Chris was just telling me how clever he is," he explained sheepishly, to the amused smiles of the Diaz trio and Carla. Hen and Bobby clearly weren't sure what to do with their faces but he suspected it was because they so rarely saw this side of him with Christopher. Or maybe just because they hadn't seen him in more than a week and were surprised he was holding it together.

Helena moved around Eddie's bed to rub her hand between Chris' shoulder blades and cradle Buck's jaw, a tenderness in her touch that made his eyes prickle faintly.

"It's good to see you here, Buck," she said, holding his gaze even when he wanted to slink away from it in shame because he hadn't been there for Eddie, or Chris, or any of the Diaz family. "I hope this means you and my son have figured yourselves out."

Buck glanced across to where Eddie was chatting quietly with Hen and Bobby, his hand clasped in Isabel's, and bit his lip to minimise the smile that threatened to erupt across his face.

"Yeah," he said, giving Christopher a small squeeze when the kid made a delighted giggle. "Yeah, I think we did."

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was...arguably among the most difficult to refine and rework to try to get every moment, every word, every aspect of the tone correct. The fic is so long that it would be disastrous if it didn't work, y'know? So hopefully you feel as though all your patient waiting paid off??


	30. Chapter 30

**Word Count:** 5,780  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter contains references to nightmares and PTSD-induced hallucinations.

* * *

Eddie was released a few days later, deliberately when Buck was available so he could drive Eddie home, and days rapidly bled into a week as Eddie re-oriented himself at home, and caring for Christopher, and attempting to cook with one hand because his arm was so heavily strapped before he turned to Buck with an exasperated expression and started ordering him around the kitchen.

And Buck _was_ better at cooking after months of lessons but he grew so irritated by Eddie's demands in a kitchen he knew almost as well as his own that when he'd returned to working the next shift that Bobby mentioned their crew was due to rotate on, he'd announced all leftovers and meals would be gratefully accepted. They were both inundated very quickly by Tupperware containers of Hen and Bobby and Athena's cooking, though anything by Chim they tended to treat with a great degree of suspicion.

Work was… It wasn't something Buck thought he'd want to go back to but it gave back some routine to his days, some structure to his life that he'd been lacking, and it gave him and Eddie some breathing room so they weren't in each other's faces all the time.

Late one night or early one morning almost a week after Eddie was discharged, he woke Buck with stuttered half-breaths that Buck instinctively recognised from the many awful nights he'd endured since last year. He'd folded his arms around Eddie, whispering nonsense in his ear – about some of the most ridiculous calls before Eddie had joined the 118, about a song he heard a week ago that Spotify hadn't found but was stuck in his head, about the places he wanted to go for various holidays with Eddie and Christopher – until Eddie started to relax into his grip and mumbled an apology against Buck's arm, followed by a soft kiss.

"You want to talk about it?" Buck said, fully aware of just how hypocritical the offer was after he'd shut Eddie out so many times after his own nightmares, but Eddie surprised him by talking.

"It was this weird mixture of being in a Humvee that I was driving when I saw Beatrice being hurt. I was shot at by insurgents?" Eddie said in a quiet, trembling voice that was laced with exhaustion and anxiety. "Clearly my brain is combining what happened with events in Afghanistan but…" His voice trailed away and he gave a small shake of his head, and with the way Buck's chest was pressed against Eddie's back, he could feel the shuddery breath that stuck in his lungs.

"You can talk to me about what happened over there too, you know," Buck murmured, groping around until his hand found Eddie's. He folded their fingers together and rubbed his thumb in figure-eights around Eddie's knuckles, slow and steady and as soothing as he knew how.

Eddie was silent a long time, so long that Buck thought Eddie might've fallen asleep again. He was teetering a little himself when Eddie's shaky words stirred him back to alertness.

"Shannon never wanted to hear about it."

"I'm not Shannon," Buck said like it was obvious. Maybe it wasn't.

"I know." Eddie lifted their joined hands to his lips and peppered the back of Buck's hand with small kisses. "I know."

Eddie didn't share anything further that night but it caused a subtle shift in their developing relationship where Buck no longer thought Eddie was so coiled protectively around his memories of war and fear, whispering his way through stories of rockets and explosions and gunfire that made Buck ache for him.

In the daylight hours, Buck focused on the things he _could_ do, like ferrying Eddie to his rehab appointments when he wasn't on shift – a weird role-reversal after Eddie had done the same for his leg a year ago – or to therapy appointments with Frank – while resolutely refusing to walk inside the building himself because he thought he'd break out in hives. When he was on shift, Carla pitched in to help Eddie as much as she helped Christopher. Hen and Karen and Bobby and Athena visited frequently, as did Maddie and Chim. May had surprised all of them by hugging both of them tightly, tears in her eyes and pleading with them not to get into dangerous situations anymore.

And all _those_ interactions didn't even factor in the constant presence of Diaz family members, bringing food and conversation and keeping Eddie grounded in the present.

He felt most awkward around Eddie's parents, because he didn't know them but they were part of his parents' generation and his father had hardly been accepting when Buck was a teenager. Buck couldn't seem to pierce the distance that Ramon had around him, but there was an ease of interaction between Eddie and his father that was at least comforting to see. Adriana and Sophia were sweethearts, keeping Christopher occupied by helping him with homework or building Lego constructions when he wasn't at school.

In all interactions with others, Buck felt like he watched Eddie as closely as a hawk, as if waiting for Eddie's expression to slip and give away how much he was struggling with what happened in LA, or Afghanistan. He wasn't closed off and he wasn't a shell, but he didn't always laugh the same way that he had before. Buck wasn't even sure if anyone had noticed and he didn't want to mention it to anyone at the station or his sister in case it was just his anxiety making something into a bigger deal than it really was.

Weeks slipped into a month and Eddie's parents and sisters returned to El Paso. If Buck had had a routine before Eddie got shot, which was probably go to work, go home, eat, sleep, and occasionally hang out with someone, then it transformed into basically being at Eddie's or the 118 after he got shot.

It wasn't that Eddie was a complete invalid, nor would Buck treat him like one because Eddie would almost certainly lose it, but it was apparent after only a few days that caring for Christopher with only one arm was near on impossible. Christopher's inability to button shirts wasn't helped by Eddie's inability to help him with buttons. If Chris had a nightmare, Eddie couldn't hug and soothe him without the bulky cast getting in the way. Once Eddie's immediate family returned to Texas, it became even more obvious how much Buck needed to be around to help support Eddie with looking after Chris.

It wasn't like Eddie had even _asked_ him to be there, probably because Eddie was too proud or too stubborn, so Buck just…took it upon himself to be there and jumping in to help in whatever way it was required. He increasingly stayed so late that he dragged his shuffling feet into Eddie's bed, cuddling under Eddie's good arm and kissing him until sleep finally caught up with him. It was the exception, rather than the rule, when he returned to his own apartment but even that still meant he was back at Eddie's first thing in the morning to make breakfast for Christopher.

"I feel like I live here," he said to Eddie one night when they were snuggled together on Eddie's couch, Eddie nestled between his legs as they watched something mindless on TV after Buck had tucked Christopher into bed.

"I was starting to think you did," Eddie teased, glancing at him with a quirked eyebrow and sly grin.

"I still have an apartment," Buck pointed out and Eddie's eyebrow arched higher.

"Why?"

"Because I-" Even as he started speaking, he realised he didn't actually _have_ an answer. He paused, pressing his lips together as his gaze narrowed on Eddie's contrite expression. "Okay, fine. I don't actually know."

A small puff of laughter escaped Eddie's mouth as he turned his attention back to the television, his fingertips dancing across Buck's forearm and leaving goosebumps in their wake. It did nothing to ensure Buck could keep track of what was going on in the show.

"You could, you know, _not_ have an apartment," Eddie said very quietly, almost half an hour later and long after the conversation had drifted from the forefront of Buck's mind.

And then Eddie's words shocked the conversation back into his awareness, front and centre and blinking with technicolour lights.

"I didn't realise you were into the whole 'homeless' vibe," Buck said, pulse fluttering in his wrist when Eddie's fingers brushed against the swirl of tattooed letters on the outside of his arm. "Should I stop showering for a week? Grow a beard?"

"Hmm… The beard might be hot but I think you'd have to sleep outside if you stopped showering," Eddie said, shifting in Buck's arms a little until he was able to see Buck's face. "And sleeping outside would make my bed feel _awfully_ lonely."

Buck rolled his eyes and lightly poked at Eddie's thigh, knowing anywhere near his hip and waist was still far too tender with healing scar tissue. "You're the one who said I shouldn't have an apartment."

"And you're the one being coy and obtuse when you know very well what I'm suggesting."

And Buck…kind of had known what Eddie was suggesting but he'd still been afraid of misunderstanding and jumping to a conclusion, and he still used humour and deflections when he was afraid rather than seek clarification, and no one had ever said anything like this to him before, and-

"Move in with me," Eddie said, ensuring that his meaning was unmistakable. His brown eyes were certain and steady and clear and officially made Buck's heart stop and skip and zigzag all around his chest as a grin spread across his face. "Move in with _us_ , Evan."

So Buck gave his landlord the month's notice that he was terminating his lease and gradually began moving across the random belongings he still had at his apartment that _hadn't_ ended up at Eddie's in the previous month of looking after Christopher and helping Eddie.

He blamed Maddie for letting the news slip to Chim, who had an absolutely devilish grin on his face as he stuck out his wiggling fingers to Hen one morning as Buck strode into the firehouse to start his shift.

"What did you bet on _this_ time?" he whined, making a few of the crew from the previous shift laugh at him on the way out.

"I thought Eddie would be back on duty before you moved in," Hen said, sighing and rolling her eyes and smacking a pair of ten-dollar bills into Chim's hand.

"And _I_ knew as soon as you started being there after every shift that it would happen long before Eddie returned," Chim crowed, shoving the notes into his pocket.

Buck couldn't decide if he wanted to pout or frown or pull out his phone to text Eddie that their friends were still placing bets on relationship milestones. He sensed Eddie would probably just end up encouraging it and joining the betting pool.

* * *

When he woke with a start, it took him a bleary moment to remember where he was. Once those fragments melted back into conscious awareness, he then frowned and wondered why he'd woken so suddenly and sharply at all.

He rubbed a hand across his bleary eyes and peered at the glowing numbers of the clock on Eddie's bedside table. _3:18_.

And then he nearly shrieked because he realised there was a rather small, nine-year-old sized shadow at the side of the bed. Wisps of light from the curtains twisted into the golden curls atop his head but the rest of him was bathed in darkness, like some sort of demon summoned from the night.

"Christopher?" he whispered, shifting in the bed. "What's up, angel?"

"Something's wrong with Dad," Chris explained, his voice small and scared and making Buck's heart ricochet into his chest.

"What- I-" He glanced behind him and realised why he'd felt so weird when he woke up. Eddie's side of the bed was empty. He groped the sheets like he'd somehow unearth Eddie from them. "What do you mean?"

"I could hear him in the kitchen," Chris said as Buck sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed and running a hand over the trembling shoulders of the kid. "He was mumbling a lot of Spanish and he- You know he never does that."

Buck closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling to steady his nerves. His hand pressed against Chris' neck, offering a gentle squeeze of his fingers against the skin at the nape. "Do you want to go back to bed or crawl into ours while I talk to him?"

"Are you sure, Buck? What if you need me?"

Buck wasn't sure he wanted to expose Chris to more trauma, especially if his father was having a serious episode like he suspected. It was almost like Buck had been waiting for it, waiting for him to slip into that other plane of existence as he had in January. So Buck wasn't sure if Chris would be needed but out of the two of them, Buck at least had the crisis training and the knowledge of what was happening. He had to trust that.

"If I need you, I'll come get you, okay?" He lifted Christopher onto the bed, pressed a kiss to his hair. "You stay here and I'll see your Dad."

"Okay…" Christopher sounded unconvinced but he curled into the blankets anyway, a fabric lump that disappeared in the shadows of the room.

Steeling his nerves, Buck left the room and padded down the corridor until he caught scraps of quiet conversation that kept being aborted, sentences hanging around a heavy pause and then another fragmented series of disconnected words. It almost sounded like Eddie was having a vigorous whispered argument with someone over the phone, pausing to listen before launching into a passionate defence. There were certainly bits in Spanish but he caught enough interspersed English to know that nothing Eddie was saying made any actual _sense_ , which meant he wasn't talking to a family member over the phone.

"Eddie?"

He moved past the family room to look at Eddie over the kitchen counter. He was a hunched shape by the sink, gripping the edge and staring out the window. He couldn't tell if Eddie was sleepwalking or awake, or maybe he was lost in some sort of memory, but he definitely wasn't talking to someone physically present. No matter what was truly going on, he knew he'd been waiting for some sort of fracture like this. There had been too many nightmares, too many flinches at loud noises in TV shows, too many whispered conversations about convoys and battlegrounds. Buck knew as well as anyone that once those bits of memories started to be unlocked, it opened the door to others. He was just grateful he was here. He couldn't imagine how Eddie would feel when he realised this had happened and Christopher was the only one home with him.

He ran his fingers along the wall until he found the light switch and he recoiled at the dazzling brightness, but once he no longer saw stars he could see Eddie looking at him. Except Eddie was… There was something missing behind his open eyes, something he was seeing which wasn't really Buck across the room. His stomach twisted. It was a lot like the call in January but worse. Eddie had at least been cognizant of his surroundings that time but this time he was clearly somewhere far, far away.

"Hey, Eddie," he said gently, keeping his distance because he knew just enough about sleepwalkers to know they could get violent if frightened. He darted his gaze around to make sure there wasn't anything sharp in Eddie's vicinity, anything he could hurt himself or someone else with. There were some cups and plates he could knock over but Buck could deal with those sorts of potential injuries. "Do you want to come back to bed? Christopher's waiting for us."

"Christopher?" Eddie's eyebrows drew together. " _No, el esta en casa con Shannon. ¿Por qué está él aquí?_ He shouldn't be here. He's-"

It was at least enough of a frantic response that Buck could piece together where Eddie thought he was in time although Buck didn't entirely know where Eddie thought he was. The Spanish was too fast to comprehend but Eddie thought Christopher was at home with Shannon. He inhaled, held it, and exhaled. Okay.

"Christopher is safe, Eddie," he said slowly, staying across the room just in case Eddie took a run at him. "You are too, actually. You're home in Los Angeles. You're here with me, with Buck. And Chris is safe."

He could tell Eddie was confused with the way his brows lowered across his eyes and he honestly wasn't sure if this sort of conversation was the right one to have. He might have the crisis training to deal with toppling buildings and bug-eating competitions but he had less experience with sleepwalking or breaks with reality.

" _No entiendo dónde estoy_ ," Eddie mumbled, hands curling and uncurling at his sides as he shook his head back and forth. "I can't find the Major. I need to warn him. _Necesito averiguar_ -"

The Major? Okay, so maybe Eddie thought he was back in a warzone, and he was in danger. He could work with that and he had an idea of what he could do, although he didn't really want to do it when it was half-past three in the morning. "Will you stay here, Eddie?"

But Eddie had returned to talking to himself, gaze on the kitchen tile as he mumbled fragments of English and Spanish. Buck took the opportunity to scurry down the corridor and into Eddie's room.

"Buck? Do you need me?" He'd hoped Christopher might've fallen asleep but he probably should have known there was no way the kid would sleep when he was scared about his father.

"No, sweetheart. It's okay."

"You sure?"

Christopher's small voice just about broke Buck's heart but he leaned onto the bed anyway, feeling around until he touched Christopher's ear or shoulder or _something_ and kissed his head.

"Stay here, okay?"

He swiped his phone from the bedside table and hit the _4_ on his speed-dial. It took several rings, enough that he had returned to the family room where he could hear Eddie's muttering and Buck almost thought he'd have to give up his plan to-

" _Buck_?" Sleep-slurred words had never sounded so good to his ears. "What's wrong?"

"It's Eddie," he said, rubbing his feet against the rug under Eddie's coffee table so that he had something to ground him when he felt the anxiety within his chest starting to unravel too and they couldn't _both_ lose it. "I- He- I think he's lost in a memory from Afghanistan."

There was a long silence and then some shuffling footsteps and the _click_ of a door. "Evan, what is this?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly. "Cap, he got shot. He got shot and he's fought in a war. He won a Silver Star. And I think it- He's been talking about it, a little, and maybe he's been talking about it in therapy too so this is… I think something emerged when he was asleep and now I can't get him out of it."

Bobby hummed thoughtfully, more shuffling footsteps as Buck imagined him moving through his house. "Is it a nightmare or is he sleepwalking?"

"I…think a bit of both? He got out of bed without waking me. I woke up because of Chris." Buck bit his bottom lip, creeping closer to the kitchen where he could get his eyes on Eddie. Eddie, who was right where Buck had left him, was still mumbling to himself in the middle of his kitchen.

"So why are you calling _me_?"

"I thought-" He hesitated, watching the slow way Eddie shook his head and his forehead creased. "He could hear me, sort of, when I brought up Chris. It confused him but also panicked him because he thought Chris was with Shannon. And then he said something about needing to warn his Major? I don't know what about but I- I thought if you could speak to him, say you were his Captain, use your Captain's voice…"

"Okay. That makes…some sort of sense, I guess. What's the goal here? That he wakes up?"

"I don't know," Buck said helplessly, running a hand through his hair and swallowing around the knot in his throat. "I don't know, Bobby. My nightmares haven't been like this."

" _Your_ night-?" Bobby cut himself off with a growl and Buck winced, realising his mistake a moment too late and wishing he could thump his head into the wall repeatedly until he turned time backwards by about ten seconds. "Okay, you'd better believe we're going to talk about _that_ next shift, kid."

Buck scrunched his eyes shut because what a thrilling thing to look forward to. "Can we focus on Eddie right now? Please?"

Bobby grunted. "Fine. Put me on speaker."

Buck inched towards the kitchen counter again, removing the phone from his ear and tapping at the icon. "You're on," he murmured, setting the phone on the counter.

" _Diaz_!" Bobby barked and Buck wasn't sure if he or Eddie jumped higher at the sudden intrusion of noise and the commanding voice. Buck wasn't even sure he'd ever heard Bobby speak like that on a call. " _What_ are you doing out of bed?"

"I- I- Um- The- I remembered-"

"I don't care what you think you remembered. It can wait until morning."

Buck watched Eddie's face flash with confusion again. "B-But Sir-?"

"Don't _but_ me, Diaz. Get your ass back to bed."

Eddie's mouth opened, clearly warring with himself and whatever he thought he needed to say, before some of the tension in his shoulders deflated and he nodded. "Y-Yes, Sir…"

Buck picked up the phone and followed Eddie as he navigated the corridor. It was incredibly strange to trail after him because Eddie clearly knew how to move through his house even when he was lost in some memory of a warzone years and years ago.

"Dad?"

Eddie's shoulders stiffened, his steps faltering as he reached a hand for the doorframe. " _Mijo_ , what- what are you- I-"

"Diaz, you're in your house. You're not in Afghanistan. Buck, is there a light on?"

There was as soon as Bobby suggested it and then it was Christopher's turn to shrink from the illumination, even as he kept his wide eyes fixed on Eddie. Eddie still looked utterly confused but there was at least some semblance of awareness behind his eyes now. He looked at Buck, brow furrowed.

"Buck?"

"Sounds promising." Under any other circumstances, Buck might've laughed at Bobby being sarcastic.

" _Cap_?"

"I believe my job here is done," Bobby announced and then there was a _click_ and the phone in Buck's hand was no longer connected to their boss. Buck tried not to think about whether calling Bobby was just going to cause more problems for Eddie long term but…he hadn't known what else to do.

For a long moment, Eddie just looked back and forth between Buck and Chris.

"The- I don't- What's going on?" Eddie said as Chris unfurled from the blankets, holding out his arms to his father. Eddie lowered himself to the bed and leaned in automatically, wrapping his arm around Christopher's body while the kid folded his arms around Eddie's neck.

"You were having a bad dream, Dad," Christopher explained, his little hand patting Eddie's good shoulder and snuggling into his chest. "It's okay now, kid." Chris peered back at Buck. "I _told_ you I could help," he said accusingly, which almost made Buck smile.

Eddie met his gaze over Christopher's shoulder, the shuttering of some emotions and the unbridled terror of others exposed within his eyes. He knew Eddie liked to be in control of himself, and that Eddie liked to conceal how he was doing even more than Buck usually did. It made sense why Eddie was probably internally tearing himself up.

Buck flicked on the bedside lamp and turned off the main room light, the harsh burn lessening the ache behind his eyes. He left his phone on the bedside table and climbed onto the bed, circling Eddie's body with his arms and squashing a giggling Christopher between them.

"I'm so sorry," Eddie whispered as Buck kissed his temple and ran fingers through his hair. "I don't know what happened, Buck. I-"

"We'll talk about it in the morning," he promised, giving a small tilt of his head towards where Christopher was intently staring at Eddie. "Just know you're safe, okay? We've got you."

Eddie nodded, clinging to Chris. When Chris started sagging against both of them which was going to end up becoming uncomfortable during any further attempt at sleep, Buck shifted until Chris was better settled between them and their joined hands were lying against his slowly rising and falling tummy.

"Ev…" Eddie's voice broke as he met Buck's eyes across the slackened face of the kid, lost and scared and nervous and afraid.

"I know, okay?" He circled his thumb around Eddie's knuckles. He had no idea what Eddie would've said but it might've been an apology, or a plea, or a terrified promise, or a fear. None of it really mattered. Nothing mattered as long as Eddie felt safe and secure and loved. "I know. Just… Focus on your breathing and that we're here with you. No one is hurt. Everyone is safe. Alright?"

Eddie gave a jerky sort of nod and held tighter to Buck's hand.

When the sun started to spread golden fingers across the carpet hours later, Buck was pretty sure he hadn't stopped staring at Eddie for the remaining hours of the night. He was pretty sure Eddie hadn't stopped staring at him, either.

* * *

"Has it ever happened before?" Buck asked once Carla had collected Christopher to take him to school, allowing Buck to situate himself on the couch and encourage Eddie to lie against him.

"The…sleepwalking-type memory thing?" Eddie said, fingers picking at the cotton of Buck's t-shirt when he nodded. "Yeah. It… It was tough when I first got home. I didn't sleep much for the first six months because I kept thinking there was going to be an attack, that either we were going to get shelled or someone would break in and hurt Shannon and Chris."

Buck ran his fingers through Eddie's hair, letting the words wash over them and trying to provide comfort the only way he knew how.

"Sometimes I- I wonder if that's what broke my relationship with Shannon more than anything else. I kept re-enlisting to avoid coming home to her and Chris because I hated myself so much that I hadn't been there when he was born. After he was diagnosed with CP, I blamed myself for that too because I kept thinking maybe if I'd been home, he wouldn't have gotten stuck." Eddie sighed, giving a small shake of his head to dispel the memories perhaps. "And then… Then I finally got discharged after- after what happened with the team and- It was sort of like she had two children she had to care for, y'know? I couldn't sleep through the night and I couldn't function during the day and so I was home but I still… I wasn't _home_." Eddie paused and Buck could feel the shuddering heartbeat against his chest. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." He ran his thumb over the ridge behind Eddie's ear and over the hinge of his jaw, knowing how it had helped relax him in the past. Sure enough, Eddie released a trembling breath and there was a small increase of his weight against Buck. "It seemed different to my nightmares though? I feel like I'm fully lost in them when I'm asleep and terrified and disoriented when I wake up, but I- I don't think I've ever sleep-walked."

"It's… I'm not aware of anything really that's happening, though," Eddie explained and Buck's eyebrow rose.

"So you don't remember talking to me or Bobby?"

"No." Eddie's voice was quiet and miserable, riddled with guilt and shame.

"So if I said you started taking your clothes off and shaking your ass and singing some lewd-sounding Spanish song, then-"

Eddie managed a small chuckle, shoving lightly at Buck's chest. "You're an ass."

"You like my ass."

"I do, but that's _totally_ not the point right now," Eddie retorted and Buck laughed, twirling bits of Eddie's hair through his fingers.

"Well, we do have a day where Chris is at school…"

"I'm still healing," Eddie groaned, prodding his chest more insistently.

"It's been almost two months. I could do all the work. You just have to lay there."

"I- You-" Eddie's spluttering just made Buck dissolve into more laughter and if nothing else, that seemed to eke out the last bit of tension that lingered in the ladder of Eddie's spine and weigh upon his shoulders. "You're the _worst_ , Buckley."

He dropped a kiss to the top of Eddie's head and grinned. "Yeah, okay. Some other time when we're not so tired."

Eddie hummed, tracing fingertips over the grooves of Buck's ribs which really wasn't doing much for his concentration. "I know you'll want me to talk to Frank after this."

"Would that really be such a bad thing?"

"I…don't like anyone knowing my shit," Eddie admitted and it was hardly a surprise to Buck.

"Not many people do like others knowing about them, but this isn't about you wanting to keep secrets anymore. This is about you finally healing, or about Christopher knowing his Dad is okay." Maybe that was a cruel card to play, but it needed to be said. "You took him to see someone when he was having nightmares after the tsunami. You don't have to deny yourself the same opportunities."

"How are you so wise about this when you refused to see anyone?"

He shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Monkey see, monkey do. Or in this case…"

"Monkey is a hypocritical ass?"

"See? I knew you liked my ass. That's twice now you've brought it up."

Eddie snorted, poking Buck in the chest again before lapsing into silence. He was still awake, though. His slowly wandering fingers made it clear he hadn't drifted off and it was _really_ pushing the limits of Buck's self-control when he hadn't done anything more with Eddie than chaste kisses for far too long. He knew that the injuries meant some of the lines in Eddie's abdomen had softened when he wasn't able to work out daily and Buck wanted to explore those just as much as he'd done previously.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Eddie said eventually, offering Buck at least _some_ sort of distraction from the touches.

"When?"

"Last night. Or when I got shot. Or the fight club. Or jumping in the pool to save that woman. Or- Well, any time I guess that you've gotten worried about me."

"We're firefighters. We risk our lives all the time."

"I know, but…" Eddie adjusted his head until he could peer up at Buck. "We weren't always like _this_ when I scared you."

"True," Buck conceded, cupping Eddie's jaw. "I do like this better though." He kissed Eddie's forehead, watching the small glow of happiness that resided deep in Eddie's eyes when they could share these sorts of gentle moments.

"And here I thought you liked getting me into bed better."

Buck hummed, low in his throat, and scratched his fingers against Eddie's scalp. "That's very diminishing of how much I simply like being with you."

"I didn't know you were a tree."

He blinked. "A tree?"

"All that sap. Seriously. You're a tree." Eddie was grinning, eyes crinkled at the corners and dimples on full display, and Buck couldn't think up a witty response and that was almost worse than being called a fucking _tree_.

"I _will_ tickle you," he threatened, placing a hand against Eddie's stomach and making Eddie twitch away from him with a laugh.

"You'd have to catch me first."

" _Catch_ you?" Buck rolled his eyes and cinched his legs tighter around Eddie's. "You won't even get off the couch, Diaz."

"Tragic," Eddie said with a melodramatic toss of his head that made Buck smile. He wasn't ignoring that Eddie needed to talk to Frank about everything that was clearly still affecting him, or that under all the jokes there was still an undercurrent that Eddie wasn't okay. Last night had proven that and neither of them were stupid enough to dismiss it.

"I'm sorry. Did I misunderstand and you actually _want_ to get off the couch?"

"I tend to find a bigger expanse of space is useful if I have to lay there while someone does all the- _oof_."

Okay, so Buck hadn't _really_ meant to topple Eddie off the couch and onto the floor but it at least terminated the end of the sentence that almost certainly sent heat and crackles of lightning through his veins that he knew he couldn't act on because Eddie's arm was still in a cast and until that was gone, he hadn't gotten enough of an okay to do anything.

"What was _that_ for?" Eddie pouted as he got to his feet and rubbed a hand against his knee.

"You gotta stop talking about _that_ until you're cleared for it or I'll die over here," he complained and Eddie flashed him a grin.

"I'll make sure I ask at my next check-up, just for you, babe."

Buck smacked Eddie with the nearest pillow and then used it to cover up his flushed face, if only to drown out Eddie's laughter.

* * *

Eddie was officially cleared for some 'light physical activity' two weeks later when the cast was finally cut away. Buck moved heaven and earth to reorganise his shifts so he could get the following Saturday off and Eddie organised with his Abuela to take care of Christopher for the weekend.

And then it was just the two of them. Alone. All weekend. With a perfectly wonderful bed. And a shower.

Buck didn't even think he could find it in him to care or complain when he saw Hen pocket a handful of notes that Chim and Bobby passed her. He was almost prepared to go over and give her a few notes of his own.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just imagine how short this fic would’ve been if they’d communicated properly ever since the beginning...
> 
> Also all their dumb flirting and teasing still makes me have big smiles 😊🥰


	31. Chapter 31

**Word Count:** 5,429  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter includes dissociating and a mild anxiety attack due to PTSD triggers.

* * *

Celebrating Buck and Eddie's birthdays had been a quiet affair, the days just a blip on the radar in many months of Eddie's rehab and therapy appointments despite Christopher's best attempts to demand cake and sing and encourage the organisation of a party. Buck's stubbornness had been in full effect regarding his day and though he wouldn't explain to Eddie why he didn't like celebrating, Maddie must've said something when she called because then he dropped it.

Eddie's birthday had slightly more excitement behind it – some insurance money had finally come through for his stolen and wrecked truck. He'd purchased a new car that wasn't as nice as his old truck but was, in Eddie's words, 'at least not bought with blood money'. Chris didn't seem to care that the car was smaller and Buck was just grateful that they were back to having two cars again because sometimes it just wasn't convenient to only have one.

What was _not_ a quiet affair was LA Pride.

Buck balanced Chris on his shoulders as they wandered through the crowds, Eddie's fingers tight in his to avoid getting separated.

"It's so _loud_ ," Chris yelled, pointing at something they couldn't see and laughing.

And it was, but it was also _awesome_.

Buck continued following Hen and Karen and Denny, who were following Michael and Bobby and May and Harry. Athena hadn't been able to get the day off and though they knew she was somewhere on crowd control, they hadn't seen her yet. Somewhere behind him were Maddie and Chim. It was a travelling convoy of his entire family and he'd never felt more like he belonged and was accepted.

A year ago, he hadn't been able to attend because of his leg. He'd listened to the noise outside his apartment and he'd watched some of the footage on TV. He'd spent the day moping and alone, missing Ali, missing Eddie, missing Maddie, missing anyone that was a friend and could provide some comfort. At the time, he'd felt very comfortable in who he was and who he liked, yet he wasn't out at the firehouse and so he constantly felt like he was lying to the people around him. As if to spite him, his leg had ached all weekend, keeping him awake and restless while his stomach churned.

This year, his arms were smeared with glitter from shoulder to elbow after Hen had given him a bottle of homemade glitter body gel and an expectant stare during the week. His sparkle-covered hand was clasped in Eddie's – equally unfathomable a year ago – and he was undoubtedly transferring glitter that would stain Eddie's palm the same way that his neck and jaw were sparkly because Buck couldn't stop grabbing at his face to kiss him. Since apparently everyone was buying him stuff this year, Eddie had come home with a tank top that said " _I came out of the cabinet_ " a couple of weeks ago. Buck had laughed until he cried a little at the time, and when Hen had seen him earlier she'd howled with approval while Christopher _and_ Bobby had asked for an explanation. May and Karen had brought face paints and Buck had wasted no time presenting his cheek to get a pink, yellow and blue flag from May while Michael sat next to him and rolled his eyes while waiting for Karen to paint a rainbow on his cheek.

"I really should've known," Michael mused as he eyed the colours on Buck's cheek and Buck laughed, running his hand over Michael's head to smear some glitter on top of it and earning him a swat to the shoulder when he attempted to leap out of the way.

Biting his bottom lip, Eddie had stepped forward after that and asked May for a pink, purple and blue flag. She'd been delighted and Buck thought the shy smile on Eddie's lips was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

Until Chris tugged on his shirt.

"Buck?"

"Yeah, champ?"

"Can I get the pretty colours on my face too?"

Buck had looked from Chris to Eddie, who shrugged. "Why not?" Eddie had said, so Buck had placed Chris on the bench and May had painted flags to match Buck and Eddie's on each of Chris' cheeks in the shape of a heart.

Buck would never admit that he might've spilled a tear or two as he wrapped his arms around Eddie's waist and hooked his chin over Eddie's shoulder to watch the best kid in the world smile like the sun and ask May what flag she was going to get on her cheek.

He'd gotten distracted by the belated arrival of Maddie and Chim. His sister took one look at the colours on his cheek and her eyes lit up as she hurried off to May, claiming she had a great idea. Buck was confused as he glanced after her but Hen was talking to Eddie about some of the safety plans for the day to ensure they didn't get separated from the kids and Chim started asking about food and Michael wandered over to glower about the glitter he couldn't get off his head.

And then his sister reappeared, and he stared for several long blinks.

"Is this okay?" she said, lips pressing together as she looked up at him with wide, uncertain eyes.

"I have the _best_ sister," he declared, wrapping her into a hug and being careful not to smudge the colours that were still drying on her cheek. Apparently her 'great idea' was to take the straight ally flag but swap the colours for the pan flag. He only hoped there wouldn't be someone who was a dick to her over it because it sure as hell meant the world to him.

"Love you," she said as he kissed the top of her head and released her back to Chim, who immediately started asking _her_ about food.

They were almost ready to head into the mass of people when Buck caught a glimpse of Bobby talking to Michael and his breath caught. Maybe he froze because Eddie tugged on his shirt.

"Babe?"

"Bobby-" he whispered, not intending for his voice to sound so strangled but between Chris, and Maddie, he was very quickly finding himself overwhelmed with the love and support and acceptance of all those he considered family, all those that embraced him for who he was rather than rejected him for it.

Bobby must've seen him staring because a moment later, he was shifting through the group and looked absolutely delighted with himself as he pointed at both cheeks. "What do you reckon, kiddo?"

And Buck… Buck just folded his arms around Bobby's shoulders and clung until the waves of emotion passed. Some of his tears got absorbed into Bobby's shirt and Bobby's hand at his back kept him upright. He really didn't have the words to express how Bobby having a wobbly straight ally flag on one cheek and Maddie's creation on the other made him feel.

"Thanks, Pops," he said with a sniff as Bobby's hand ran up and down his back.

"I feel like I should get Eddie's colours too. And maybe I should get Hen and Karen's? I don't want anyone feeling left out," Bobby said, making Buck stifle a damp laugh into his shoulder as he loosened his grip.

"Why not just paint your whole face?" he teased and Bobby's grin widened.

"You know, that's actually a really good idea! Maybe next year," he said with a wink and a squeeze and then he was gone and Buck leaned in to the arm that Eddie wrapped around his waist.

" _My_ colours feel left out," Eddie joked and Buck kissed his shoulder and couldn't wipe the smile from his face if he'd tried.

"Your colours look _beautiful_ ," he said and Eddie almost certainly flushed.

They descended into the masses and it was impossible not to sway with the different beat that coursed through the city during Pride. Buck couldn't remember being happier than he was right at that moment, and his cheeks definitely ached from all the smiling. There was nothing like getting caught among the crowds, surrounded by his team and their families and his sister, with Chris on his shoulders and Eddie's hand in his. He'd lost track of how many people had looked him up and down, and how many times Eddie had clenched his grip a little tighter and kissed the back of his shoulder like a claim which left his belly feeling superheated. He wasn't the only one though – Eddie got his fair share of wandering eyes. He supposed marking their faces with their interests was to blame for that.

He'd also lost track of how many times Eddie had tugged at his hand like he wanted to say something so Buck would turn towards him, and then Eddie's mouth would be against his as they shared a kiss and exchanged goofy grins. Chris would start squirming when the kiss dragged for too long and Buck would hide a laugh and then realise they'd gotten separated from the others, _again_. He'd lost track of how many times they had to keep texting someone in the group to establish meet locations, but Buck wouldn't have had it any other way. He wished he could store all the positive energy and vibes, all the infectious smiles of Eddie, all of Christopher's delighted giggles, all the love that swirled around them because he couldn't remember the last time he felt like he was floating on so much happiness. Which sounded cheesy as hell but when he looked at Eddie and Chris, _his boys_ , he thought he might just combust with all the feelings behind his lungs and thundering through his heart and spreading through his veins to the tips of his fingers and toes.

"Have I mentioned how much I love this?" he murmured, tracing the smudged and cracked paint on Eddie's cheek after they'd collapsed into bed hours and hours later on Saturday night. Buck's arms were still stained with glitter after almost half an hour of scrubbing at them with a barely-damp towel, and he knew he had plenty in his hair after a glitter cannon had gone off above them at one point during the parade. He had a feeling he'd be leaving glitter all over the calls during his shift tomorrow like he was Tinkerbell.

"Once or twice," Eddie said, a smile of utter contentment on his face which was still speckled in glitter. "It's nice to know you like it."

Buck hummed, thumb circling the mark and thought about the colours on Chris' cheeks, and Maddie's, and Bobby's again. It was almost enough to strangle his throat with emotion. "I don't think you know what it means to me."

Eddie gazed at him with slightly hooded eyes, fingers tracing over the swell of muscles in Buck's arm and almost certainly catching more glitter to smear somewhere later. "Maybe not, but I hope it means you know how much everyone loves you. And that I'm serious about this, and you, and _us_."

"I think I might've figured that out when you asked me to move in?" Buck teased, tilting his head in mock thoughtfulness like he couldn't remember any other time that he'd realised Eddie loved him.

Eddie laughed, drawing him in for a slow kiss that ignited the warmth under Buck's skin that had been simmering there all day. "So it was _that_ which gave me away, huh?"

Buck chuckled, because Eddie was so relaxed and seemed as happy as Buck and after everything, after all the pain and the heartache during the last twelve months, he was more than happy to tip his head back to allow Eddie's tickling kisses along his jaw and bask in how nothing else mattered right then except them. "Among other things…"

"Oh?"

"I'll tell you some other time," he said, his spare hand smoothing over Eddie's waist and tugging the other man over him. "Right now there are more important things to do than talk."

Eddie huffed a laugh, breath scattering along Buck's neck as his fingers trailed down Buck's sparkly abdomen. "Couldn't agree more, _mi amor_."

* * *

"Are you sure?"

"No."

"Well then, we don't have to-"

"I can't let this rule me."

Buck sighed, tracing abstract shapes into Eddie's back. "Eddie…"

"Can you imagine telling Chris no?"

"That's- Chris just wants you to be _okay_. You know that as well as I do."

It was Eddie's turn to sigh. This particular squabble had been a daily discussion for over a week, ever since Hen had mentioned her Fourth of July barbecue during a shift and insisted Buck invite Eddie and Chris. Chris had jumped at the chance for a party but Buck had been more circumspect because it was the Fourth of July and that meant fireworks and firecrackers and Eddie was still jumpy as hell. Buck had dropped his phone by accident two weeks ago and Eddie had just about gotten stuck among the light fittings.

Eddie insisted he was okay with the party.

Buck was encouraging at least a _little_ caution.

And so they'd reached a stalemate.

"Look, I spoke with Karen the other day," Eddie said, propping his chin on Buck's chest so he could peer up like a pouty child who had totally stolen that move from Christopher. "She didn't even need me to say that loud noises were a bad idea. She and Hen already planned to just have sparklers and candles and streamers, stuff like that. And she said she'd pass that memo on to Athena and Chim so there won't be fireworks, okay? It'll be _fine_."

Buck still wasn't convinced but this was one of those 'trust your boyfriend' times that, in a lot of ways, he was still getting used to.

"If you change your mind-"

Eddie kissed him, silencing any further discussion.

* * *

"You made it!" Hen said, gathering Eddie into a hug as she led them through the house.

"We had a decoration malfunction," Eddie explained, gesturing towards where Buck was very proudly following them with Chris.

Chris, whose red crutches had been jazzed up for the occasion with white and blue ribbons spiralling down the length of the poles, looked absolutely thrilled when Maddie and Karen complimented them as he entered the living room.

"We did them 'specially," Chris was telling Karen, who was making lots of approving noises as Chris twisted his crutches back and forth to show them off.

Buck bounced over to greet his sister, who was in the middle of dicing vegetables for a salad, and then kissed Eddie's cheek as he twirled past in search of Bobby who had texted him half an hour ago to say his presence was needed by the grill. Buck wasn't sure exactly _why_ he needed to help with the grill given that he knew Michael was here too, but even via text, Buck did what Bobby ordered.

He waved at Harry and Denny, camped on the floor in front of the couch playing with some action figures, and exited the sliding door back into the blistering midday heat of July in Los Angeles and-

Froze.

Like someone had dumped an ice bucket over his head.

"Buckaroo!" Athena called, leading to a rousing cheer of "Buck's here!" from Chim that felt fuzzy and distant through the tinny ringing in his ears.

He flinched when a hand pressed into his shoulder, eyes swimming around until he met Bobby's. Bobby, who looked close and far away, was definitely saying something because his mouth was moving but Buck was stuck on the brief glimpse of the small, above-ground pool set-up that had been established in Hen and Karen's backyard that left him feeling cold in the scorching sun. It wasn't even that it was a _big_ pool and a _lot_ of water. It just seemed to be its mere existence, the mere threat it posed, the mere scatterings of memories that-

"Diaz!"

"Cap?"

Buck didn't even realise how badly he was trembling until a steady hand pressed into his own, until fingers tilted his cheek and his stuttering heart met Eddie's familiar eyes. "I- Eddie-"

"I know," Eddie said gently, tugging lightly at his hand. "I've got you. How about we get you back inside, alright? You can help Maddie with the salad."

Buck blinked, eyes shifting between Eddie and Bobby because hadn't he come out here to do something? But Eddie was more insistent, guiding him back inside and Buck chewed the inside of his cheek like it could somehow break through the haze of numbness that had enveloped his mind in a split second.

"Mads?"

There were many times in the past year Buck felt like he'd had an out-of-body experience, like he was hovering above himself and watching everything happen with a muted detachment. Part of it, he'd suspected, was how many nightmares he'd had where he was forced into reliving the tsunami and the bombing over and over from so many different angles that they'd started to feel less real and at the same time, terrifying him into thinking he could face another disaster in the blink of an eye.

This time, though… Something had fractured in his head because he didn't think this was a dream and yet he watched Maddie approach him, her arm wrapping around his waist to lead him through the hallway with Eddie, and his feet moved as if a puppeteer was steering him, and conversation swirling around his head that was hard to tune into but he did hear the words "water" and "outside".

He sat on the edge of the bed when Maddie's hand gave a little push and he realised how erratic his breathing was when Eddie knelt in front of him. His hands were placed against Eddie's chest to feel the steady rise and fall of his chest before Eddie's hands released his wrists to cradle his jaw and keep his head up, his eyes fixed on brown, his lungs attempting to expand around the vice of his ribs to match Eddie's rhythm.

"You're safe, Evan," Eddie murmured as Maddie pressed in beside him, rubbing her hand slowly up and down his back, fingers curling into the hairs at the base of his neck before drifting down his spine again. "Just focus on that. Focus on _us_."

"B-But Chris-"

"He's safe too, babe," Eddie said, thumb smoothing over Buck's cheekbone and down the slope of his nose. "We walked past him playing with Denny and Harry."

And Buck…vaguely remembered seeing Denny and Harry playing, although he couldn't remember seeing Chris with them, but he trusted Eddie not to lie to him about something like this. Eddie had never lied about Chris' safety and even though he felt rattled by the flickers of memory and jolts of fear, he also knew in some part of his memory that he'd spent the morning with Chris decorating his crutches and trying to get the winding ribbons correct.

That recollection helped spark other bits of awareness to life in his brain as he sniffed, fingers curling into Eddie's shirt. There was relief that Chris was safe, and the pressure of Maddie's arm against him was comforting, and Eddie's hands against his face and neck were warm and solid.

"There you go," Eddie said with a small smile and an encouraging nod as he smoothed a hand through Buck's hair. "Not so bad this time, huh? I must be getting better at this."

Buck wrinkled his nose and fought the urge to stick his tongue out. "A-All the w-worrying about _you_ and loud n-noises and they have a fucking _pool_ they forgot to tell me about," he muttered, making Maddie stifle a laugh against his shoulder.

"Goes to show you can't think of everything," Eddie teased. He released one side of Buck's face to grasp a hand against his chest, touching soft kisses to each of Buck's knuckles and palm. Buck wondered when he'd ever gotten so lucky as to have the care and love of this man directed at him, and he deliberately brushed his index finger over Eddie's jaw in a sign of affectionate thanks that made Eddie lean into it with a smile.

"Remind me again why it took you two so long to get together?" Maddie muttered and Eddie barked a laugh while Buck tilted his head to kiss the top of his sister's head.

"How long do you want to stay here?" Eddie said and Buck shrugged, knowing that – once again – his crew had seen him splinter. It hadn't felt like a complete breakdown though. He hadn't needed to curl up and cry. That…seemed like a win.

"Can I have a word first?" Maddie said and Buck's eyes slid from Eddie's to her and back again. Oh great. Her tone meant a lecture. Or a plea. Or both.

"I'll be with Chris," Eddie said, squeezing Buck's hand and leaving him with his sister like the traitorous boyfriend that he was. Buck immediately started thinking about ways to retaliate. Top of the list was withholding sex.

"Mads-"

"No, listen to me before you brush me off," Maddie said, catching his cheek and turning his head towards her. "You ever hear about dissociating in all your deep-diving through Google about PTSD?"

He flushed, eyes flicking above her head. "Maybe."

"Then what you just showed was basically textbook symptoms," she said, lips pursing together as she gazed at him, the pads of her fingers soft beneath the hard line of his jaw. "Ev, I know you don't want to talk to anyone and I get that, and I'm trying to respect that because you're my brother and I love you, but please know that those sorts of responses aren't normal, okay? You need to know that."

He sighed, drifting back to meet her big brown eyes that were stained with concern. "I know, Maddie, okay? I've known since last year I've had a problem."

"But?"

He shrugged, nuzzling against her hand and pressing a kiss to her palm. "I gotta do this my way. You can't force a guy into therapy when he's not ready for it."

"Even if I take you myself, tied to a chair?"

He snorted and wound his fingers through the gaps in hers to pull it away from his face. "You have a really weird way of showing your love for me, sister dear. Maybe you should talk about that to someone."

She swatted his shoulder and he chuckled, rising to his feet and then needing a moment when the room spun around him. He felt her hand settle between his shoulder blades, providing something steady and stable. "Ev?"

"I'm okay," he said, eyes closed until he felt oriented properly with the floor again. When he looked at her again, she was still looking restless and unconvinced and incredibly unhappy. He pulled her into his arms and she cuddled into his chest, and he wished she hadn't disappeared for so long because then he would've known at exactly what point he'd started to tower over her. "I'm okay, Maddie," he promised, rubbing a hand along the back of her shoulders.

"I'm worried about you," she said, fingers gripping his shirt. "You can't tell me Eddie isn't worried too."

It was a cheap shot but she wasn't wrong.

They returned to the party eventually with Buck determined to stay inside. He found Eddie with Chris, as promised, in the living room and Chris almost immediately abandoned the action figures to snuggle into Buck's lap once he was situated on the couch. If Eddie's arm stretched against the back of the chair behind him, fingers tracing circles on the patch of skin just above the collar of his t-shirt, wasn't enough to keep him calm then having Chris tucked against him like a baby koala definitely was.

It was impossible for some of the set-up of the party to completely change – Hen and Karen's house simply wasn't big enough – but Athena and Chim and Maddie brought as many _outside_ decorations _inside_ as they could. Soon enough, a blue and red and white paper chain was strung along one wall and star-shaped bunting was attached to the other. The kitchen table was pushed closer to the coffee table and the couch, with as many places set to eat as possible. Buck felt like it was all a big fuss over him and he hated it, hated feeling like he was inconveniencing the others, until Eddie whispered in his ear that Denny had invited Chris outside when Buck was talking with Maddie and Chris had refused because "the water is higher than me" and it was clear he was freaked out by the pool too.

"I didn't think he had a problem with the water?" Buck muttered, running fingers through Chris' curls while the kid watched the other two boys play on the floor.

"It shows up unexpectedly," Eddie said, like that was somehow an explanation, and Buck stopped resisting the party being moved indoors when it was just as much for Chris' benefit.

"Can you three be any cuter?" May said, appearing out of nowhere with a big grin and her phone in her hands and undoubtedly snapping a series of photos that made Chris look adorable and Eddie look flustered and Buck look surprised.

"We can try," Chris said, tipping his head to look at Eddie. "Right, Dad?"

A smile pulled at one side of Eddie's mouth as he kissed Chris' forehead. "I dunno, _mijo_. You're the cutest one here."

Somewhere off to the side, Buck could hear May gushing but he stuck out his bottom lip slightly. "If you don't follow that up with me being the second cutest, I'm going to be deeply offended."

Eddie laughed and kissed his shoulder. "You might be third."

" _Third_?"

"Well, where am _I_ in this ranking system?" Eddie challenged, eyebrows rising and Buck pressed his lips together, gaze narrowing as he looked Eddie up and down.

"I mean, I _guess_ you're cute," he mused as Chris giggled in his arms, fingers picking at the buttons on Buck's shirt as he stared up at both of them.

"You _guess_?"

"I could think of some other words," he said, eyes dropping towards Christopher and realising how closely they were being watched, before returning to Eddie. "Maybe I'll tell you later."

Eddie chuckled and kissed his cheek and Buck knew he was smiling stupidly and he could only imagine the photos that May was getting but he didn't care. It all faded into background noise when he had Eddie's arm around him and Chris in his lap and they could retreat into their own little bubble.

Almost everyone was able to cram inside to eat when Bobby and Michael were done grilling. It was noisy inside as everyone talked and laughed over each other, passing plates and bowls. In the middle of all the noise, a fork fell to the ground with a loud, metallic clatter. Eddie flinched and Buck immediately pressed his hand into Eddie's, the rise in Eddie's shoulders slowly falling as Buck squeezed his hand like it was a heartbeat. He hoped Eddie didn't notice that Chris, Bobby, Athena and Maddie had all glanced their way at the silent exchange before returning to whatever conversation had been taking place.

After eating, people had dispersed between the house and outside again. May appeared with a packet of sparklers for the kids and Chris dispatched one of his crutches so he could hold the sparkler between clenched fingers, spinning in a slow and careful circle. Eddie took a bunch of photos and then Buck looked over his shoulder while they decided on the best one to send to Isabel and Pepa and Helena. He'd just finished sending the texts when he got dragged away by Michael to see something outside but Bobby quickly filled the gap, squeezing Buck's shoulder as he sat on the arm of the couch with a bottle of water in his hand.

"How are you?" Bobby said, eyeing him with the Serious Captain Stare and Buck shrugged, a small smile still on his face as Chris discarded the used sparkler, gathered up his second crutch, and staggered away to find another.

"Sorry I couldn't help with the grilling," he said, finding the opportunity for deflection too good to pass up.

"Buck…"

He pasted on a smile, meeting Bobby's eyes. "It's still tough, alright? It's not as bad as it was but…it's there. It might always be there. And I- At some point, I'll be better at it."

Bobby pressed his lips together in a rueful sort of grimace. "I could give you another card."

Buck rolled his eyes, a more genuine smile emerging. "You know, I think Eddie might've stolen that off my coffee table last year? Cheap bastard. Couldn't even get his own."

Bobby chuckled, squeezing his shoulder again when he got pulled away by Harry.

Hen's arms slid around his shoulders from behind. "I'm so sorry for not warning you," she whispered against his ear and he reached up and wrapped his hand around her wrist. "I didn't even think about it. It's just for the summer and I-"

"Hen, it's okay." He squeezed her wrist and looked up at her. "Enjoy your party, okay? That's the more important thing right now."

She ruffled his hair and he was still trying to smooth it back into position when Maddie flopped onto the seat beside him, forcing a stupid red, white and blue tophat on his head and insisting on a series of ridiculous selfies.

It felt as though he might've had a small lapse at the start of the party but he was able to recover, feeling relaxed and buzzy again like he had after Pride. It was a huge step up from being emotionally decimated after a panic attack.

Once the main festivities were over, once the supply of sparklers had been exhausted and Buck intervened before Chris could hold a candle that spilled burning wax all over his fingers, once the afternoon sun reduced some of the sting on exposed flesh, Eddie had appeared with a particular look in his eyes and suggested leaving. Buck hadn't questioned the request, simply tucked his hand into Eddie's and squeezed.

They said their farewells and Chris had done some final posing shots for May with his decorated crutches, and then they were free.

"You want me to drive?" Buck said as Eddie finished buckling Chris into the backseat after several fumbled attempts at clicking the belt into place.

"Could you?" Eddie said, eyes darting towards the door of Hen's place.

Buck might've felt a bit wishy-washy after the episode earlier but as soon as he caught the flash of Eddie's eyes, he knew it'd be safer for all of them if his hands were on the wheel. Eddie was evidently restless and on edge, bothered by something that he wasn't able to speak about. Buck wasn't sure if it was the dropped fork, or the knowledge of all the noise to come, or maybe something else entirely. It wasn't like it mattered – he just needed to keep Eddie calm.

So he kept asking Chris questions during the drive to keep the kid talking, finding ways to make Chris laugh. At every red light, he reached across to squeeze Eddie's wrist and kept checking the distance creeping into his vision whenever Eddie looked over to him.

By the time they got home, the decision to watch a movie as a squashed-up trio was a no-brainer. It became a cuddle pile, where Eddie curled into Buck's arms and then Chris set himself in Eddie's lap. Buck kept losing track of the storyline because he'd periodically look down at Eddie, and then Chris, and wonder which Diaz was the biggest cuddle monster. But, in the same way that holding Chris soothed Buck when he was rattled by the water, the effect of Chris snuggling Eddie couldn't have been overstated because he remained steady and present.

And if they mutually decided to keep Chris between them when Eddie declared it was bedtime, and if Buck kept his hand in Eddie's across Chris' sleeping body, and if he kept the bedside light on so that every time Eddie startled awake at another too-loud bang, then Buck thought those decisions were no-brainers too.

After all, it was the least he could do to ensure his boys stayed safe and calm.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The challenge with writing LA Pride was that I'd written this one and then wanted/needed to put it into 'Against the Odds' too and had to find two distinctly different Buck looks. It remains one of my favourite firefam scenes of the whole fic <3 (Especially Bobby and Maddie!!)


	32. Chapter 32

**Word Count:** 4,689  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** This chapter includes references to nightmares and concerns about suicide as a result of the tsunami.

* * *

When the shift rotations for the final week and half of the month were announced, Buck couldn't decide if he'd rather have worked the actual _day_ of the tsunami anniversary instead of working the day _before_. It meant he was free for the anniversary and Buck…really didn't know how he was going to cope with it.

Bobby tried to convince him to put in a leave request and Buck was almost tempted because he knew he wouldn't be at his best. Ever since the mini pool at Hen's place two and a half weeks prior, he'd felt more on edge than usual. He knew he'd regressed in his fear of water. He'd begun hating the shower again, struggling with the feeling of his skin being wet. He'd stopped washing dishes a week ago and even the damp towel to do the drying made him feel sick. A couple of days ago, Eddie hadn't turned a bath faucet far enough so there'd been an irregular _drip…drip…drip drip…_ that had nearly made Buck grind his teeth into dust in an attempt to stop it bothering him before he'd finally lost it and practically shoved Eddie off him so he could turn the faucet far enough that there was no more dripping noise to reverberate around his skull.

And that said nothing for the restless nights where he'd woken with Christopher's name on his lips.

Eddie had the patience of an absolute _saint_ with how many times he'd sat up with Buck, running fingers through his hair and lightly kissing spots on his face while offering reassurances that Chris was safe, and everything was okay, and it had just been a bad dream.

So working the day before the tsunami wasn't exactly ideal, and he could understand Bobby's perspective, but the routine of going to work and the distraction of calls was a form of therapy in its own way. Besides, what was the alternative? Take the day off to sit at home with Eddie and Chris and think about nothing else but wave water for forty-eight hours? How did _that_ seem like a viable alternative?

Besides, they were already a man down with Eddie so bringing in _two_ floaters seemed…ill-advised.

So he'd gone into the station as timetabled and he'd focused as best as he could. Eddie had stopped by with Chris to provide cuddles, which had been decidedly short-lived before the interruption of another call. By the time he was clocking out at 8am the next morning, he felt like he'd accomplished the best job possible on each call given the anxiety that thrummed through his veins as he thought about the day that had dawned.

It was an anxiety Buck could clearly see reflected in Christopher's eyes when he swept the kid onto his hip and nuzzled kisses into his shoulder after Buck had spotted them waiting for him by the doors to the station.

"You three are so sweet, I'm going to need to visit the dentist for all the cavities," Chim called out as he, Hen and Bobby approached them.

Buck shifted Chris so he could flip Chim off, even as Eddie rolled his eyes and grasped his hand to cover it from innocent eyes.

"I'm seriously thinking you're the most jealous person around here, Chimney," he said and Chim shrugged, eyeing them up and down.

"Did you _see_ your boyfriend at Pride?" Hen retorted.

It was Eddie's turn to wave his middle finger around, cheeks flushed, as Chris giggled something about "Dad did a naughty thing" into Buck's neck.

"Will we see you later?" Bobby said, the conversation switching tracks so fast that Buck felt like some of the gears in his brain locked together and got stuck.

He swallowed, glancing at Eddie who looked at him and squeezed his hand. "It's up to you, babe."

"What about you, little guy?" Buck asked, bouncing Chris until he met uncertain hazel eyes behind the lenses.

"I wanna go," Chris said resolutely, like he'd been saying all week when Buck or Eddie had asked him. "I'm gonna be with you the whole time, remember?"

Buck kissed his cheek and squeezed Eddie's hand before returning his attention back to Bobby. "Guess we'll see you later then, Cap."

* * *

'Later' rolled around too quickly as the crew from the 118 converged at one of the designated memorial locations four blocks from the ocean, five blocks south from where the pier had been. It was still too close to the water for Buck's liking. He could smell the salt in the air and he was convinced he could hear the sound of the water moving against the shore, but surely there was too much traffic noise and too many people milling around for that to be possible.

Buck could feel Chris almost vibrating against him with his own anxiety at the proximity to the water, and he wondered just how vivid Chris' memories of the event were. Even driving through the streets looking for a place to park had been enough for Buck to recognise some of the awnings of various stores. He'd stiffened at the memory of the staggering journey throughout the Santa Monica area in search of Chris, blood streaming down his arm and the scratches across his face that he hadn't felt until Hen started examining them. He hadn't been able to speak about the flashes of recollection but he knew Eddie had recognised his battle when a hand had touched his bouncing knee at a red light.

"How are you holding up?" Bobby said, touching a hand to Chris' back as Buck swayed slowly on the spot like there was a waltz only he could hear as he continued searching the assembled crowd for any faces he recognised from that fateful day. He doubted they'd be here – there were too many other memorial services planned – but that didn't stop him from trying to determine if he knew any of them.

"Not great," he admitted, because if it wasn't for Chris in his arms and Eddie at his side, he probably wouldn't be anywhere near a memorial ceremony. He probably would've locked himself in his apartment and covered his head with a blanket or something. "It- It's a lot to…to take in, being this close again."

Bobby nodded. "It always will be. It takes a lot of courage to come back here, kid."

"I can't even imagine being at the actual pier," Buck said, glancing across to where Hen and Karen were standing, each clasping one of Denny's hands. "The thought of going back there is just…" He shuddered, pressing a kiss to Chris' hair. Chris was so quiet that Buck knew he was struggling too.

"Maybe one day," Bobby said, clasping a hand against his shoulder. "For now, maybe this can close a chapter in your life and in the next twelve months, you'll start a whole new book."

Buck turned to Bobby with a slight frown before he caught where Bobby's eyes were drifting between Chris and Eddie, a quirk in his brows and a small smirk on his lips.

"Did you get that off the back of a Hallmark card or something?" he said as Bobby chuckled, squeezing his shoulder again before letting his hand drop.

"It was more likely on a fortune cookie," Bobby conceded and Buck felt some of the tension ease from his chest as he laughed.

The memorial ceremony began shortly after and Buck didn't know the person leading the event but he listened with his head bowed as the guy rattled off a series of numbers to do with the exact time the tsunami struck, and the number of injured, and the number killed. He tried not to think about how he and Christopher would have been included in that tally of injured, and how many of those killed were people on the pier with them, or people that floated past while he tried to play a game of I Spy with Chris. He listened to some of the words he'd heard before in the immediate aftermath, when victims had been giving statements to the media about the terror of being caught the water or their desperate search for family and friends.

The words that were chosen were so evocative, so haunting, that he clung to Christopher tighter when he felt the tears slide down his cheeks because it was so easy to _remember_ what it was like to be unable to breath and to be completely focused on the safety of someone else. He'd never understand how he and Chris made it through when so many didn't.

"You're gonna be okay, kid," Chris murmured with a pat to his chest and Buck sniffled a wet sort of laugh. Apparently the sound alerted Eddie to the fact he'd started crying with his head bowed because then he had Bobby's arm stretching across his upper back, hand clasping at his shoulder, and Eddie's hand teased at the small of his back just above the waistband of his jeans.

He listened to the reading of a bunch of names and ages and he wondered if they were people he'd seen float past him that day in a tangle of limbs or maybe some of the people he'd helped rescue from the raging waters but who had been nameless and faceless because his attention had been on Christopher. Once he'd lost the kid over the side of the truck, no one else had mattered to him.

He listened to a little girl take the microphone, talking about how lucky she was to have survived. Chris' head swivel towards the stage to look at a kid who probably wasn't much younger than him. Buck listened to the kid's gratitude at being saved by a "very nice fireman" who had plucked her from the water, and if Bobby released a choked sort of breath then Buck pretended he didn't notice though he did wonder if they'd crossed paths.

It wasn't until three or four people had spoken that Buck actually looked up, eyes widening when he recognised the voice coming from the girl with the microphone in her hands.

" _Victoria_ ," he whispered, drawing Eddie and Bobby's attention towards him as he stepped forward instinctively, surprised that out of everyone he could have seen at this memorial, it would be her.

"I lost both my parents that day," Victoria said, her voice wavering as she focused on a spot somewhere above all the heads. "I guess I was lucky to survive when so many didn't, but I didn't feel lucky for a really long time. I didn't know why I'd been spared, and I still don't."

Buck swallowed around the tight pain cinching his throat, looking back at Eddie who seemed confused as he looked at the girl on stage. Right. So Eddie hadn't made the connection yet.

"I'll catch up with you in a bit," he said, tilting his head towards the stage.

"Do you want me to…?" Eddie said, nodding at Chris but Buck shook his head and the hands slipped off him as he slowly, slowly, slowly, moved through the gathered crowd.

"I'm still struggling, every day, but I- I'm going to college in the fall after someone told me I needed to keep fighting, just a little longer, and so I'm…" Victoria's voice broke and Buck felt something crack in his own chest as he got closer to the stage, gazing up at her while Chris clung to his shoulders to avoid being dropped. "I'm trying to do that, for my mom and my dad, for everyone who didn't make it that day, and especially for all of us that did. Thank you."

There was a bunch of applause and a few cheers and whistles as Victoria handed the microphone off to someone else. She wiped her eyes and cheeks, moving to the side of the stage and finally looking out towards the crowd, gaze sweeping across all the people.

And Buck could see the moment she spotted him, her mouth falling open and her eyes widening and then a shriek of "Oh my _God_!" interrupting whatever the next speaker was saying. She drew the attention of everyone back to her as she abruptly slid off the stage and threw her arms around Buck's chest, crushing Chris between them.

"I'm so glad you're here," she said, her arms trembling as he adjusted Chris so he could get an arm around her too. "I didn't- I never thought I'd see you again to say thank you."

He smiled through his own tears, rubbing her back gently. "I was just doing my job."

Victoria shook her head, releasing her grip on him and fixing him with a stare that was older than her years but no longer ringed with the despair he could remember on the overpass all those months ago. "You saved my life," she said, her cheeks flushed and her eyes swollen. "I couldn't thank you then but I can thank you now."

"Buck's a hero," Chris said between them and her eyes flashed to his, a more genuine smile spreading over her lips.

"Yeah, he is." Victoria gave Chris a little wave that Chris returned with a shy smile. "Is this your kid? He's cute."

Buck hesitated, because that was an area he and Eddie hadn't discussed despite how much love he had in his heart for this kid.

Chris giggled. "Buck's not my _Dad_ , silly."

"My boyfriend's kid," he explained, pretending like Chris' words didn't hurt, just a little.

"I love him almost as much as my Dad, though," Chris added in a bright voice, and Buck's mouth opened and closed as he swallowed the tears that pricked his eyes at the sweetness of this boy.

"You know him, actually," Buck said after a beat, sorting through some of the fuzz that had encased his head during the call with Victoria. It had been so long ago, when he'd been in a totally different frame of mind. Sometimes it seemed like he'd become a different person. "He's my partner at the 118. He pulled us up."

"Yeah? The hot broody brunette one?"

He laughed, probably too loudly given the occasion was meant to be sombre, and Chris smothered giggles into Buck's chest. "Yeah, that'd be him."

She nodded with a slightly suppressed smile, a dimple in her cheek as her eyes flicked between Buck and Chris. "Good choice."

He bit the inside of his cheek so he didn't smile too wide, keeping Victoria with him until the memorial ceremony concluded and a plaque marking the time and date and location and casualties was unveiled – one in a series of plaques to be scattered along the length of the beach – and some of the crowd started to disperse.

"Hey, what are you doing the rest of the day?" he said when Victoria started to look restless.

"Um…" She turned her phone over in her hands and shrugged. "I…didn't really have plans. I wasn't sure how I'd be after this, honestly."

"I only got off shift this morning so Eddie and I are having an early dinner with a lady who took care of Chris when we got separated," he said, eyes darting across the heads in the crowd until he spotted Eddie and Bobby right where he'd left them. "Do you want to join us?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do-"

"I thought you said you weren't doing anything?" he said, arching an eyebrow at her.

Victoria wrinkled her nose, lips pressing together. "I wouldn't want to be a bother…"

"Nonsense." He shifted Chris' weight on his hip and held out a hand to her. "Join us?"

She eyed the hand for a moment, clearly uncertain.

"Fight a little longer together?" he teased and that seemed to work because she rolled her eyes with a faint smile and tucked her hand into his.

He led her back to where the crew were standing. Eddie still seemed confused as he looked Victoria over like he was desperately trying to place her and failing miserably.

"I clearly didn't make an impression on your hot broody brunette boyfriend," she joked and Eddie opened his mouth, looked at Buck, and snapped it shut again. Buck almost laughed at the speechlessness in his expression.

"I remember you," Bobby said quietly, her gaze swapping to him. "I'm glad you're still with us. How are you?"

She shrugged, her hand still grasped in Buck's, and he took the opportunity to pass Chris off to Eddie if only to give his arm a break because he now couldn't switch which side he was carrying the kid on. "Each day is a little easier, and still just as hard as the last," she said through a weak smile. "Coming here today was- It was important to listen to everyone, to try to heal some of the damage that the water caused."

Bobby nodded and extended his hand so that she could shake it, somewhat awkward when it clearly wasn't the dominant hand for either of them. "All you can ever do is make every day count," he said and she offered a stronger smile, releasing his hand to take in Hen and Karen and Denny gathered to one side with Chim, then to Eddie still gazing at her in consternation.

"Should we tell him or leave him to sweat it out?" Victoria asked Buck with a mischievous smile.

Buck grinned as Eddie's face fell into a frustrated pout. " _Definitely_ sweat it out."

* * *

Chris immediately recognised Gloria and demanded her attention most of the late afternoon while they ate dinner, asking her what she had been doing in the year since the tsunami and then responding in kind when she inquired. Buck wasn't sure who had the dopier smile – Eddie or him – but it was a delight to see Chris feel so comfortable and safe with someone who had undoubtedly saved his life. Buck thought Gloria was probably sick of him saying thank you to her almost as much as he suspected Victoria wanted to make up for not showing any gratitude after the save at the overpass.

Which was, of course, made harder by the word games they kept playing with Eddie to avoid outright saying how they knew each other.

"So you said in your speech you're going to college?" he prompted as they waited on dessert.

"Just community college," she said, fiddling with her straw. "I managed to finish my senior year but most of my grades fell so my GPA was rubbish. The plan is to get some credits and apply for programs that will take the tsunami into account next year."

"That's great though, that you have a plan," he encouraged but she shrugged.

"Dad wanted me to go to Stanford or UC Davis or somewhere fancy and prestigious." She managed a small smile, tinged with pain. "I never knew what I wanted to do before the wave and I still don't know. College just seems like something I'm meant to do, you know?"

He nodded, mindful of Eddie's attention drifting between their conversation and the one Chris was having with Gloria on the other side of the table. "It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do," he said and she glanced up at him, curiosity evident in her eyes. "My… My father had the same sort of expectation. I'd go to college, I'd graduate, I'd either return home or I'd get a job at some cool company and move up the corporate ladder."

"Well, you still climb ladders," she pointed out with a grin and he laughed.

"True, very true," he agreed. "But uh… My sister did the college thing and it just- It wasn't for me. I loved the learning but I hated the deadlines of assignments. I dropped out without telling him for a while, living out of my car while I worked odd jobs to save money. I did anything that was going, so sometimes it was cleaning someone's house and sometimes it was trying to sell insurance."

She was gazing at him with interest and he hoped he wasn't setting a bad example of how to grow up without the influence of parents restricting every movement, monitoring every thought. The lies he'd spun to his father about college had lasted a semester before he was found out, and then didn't hear from his father for another six months.

"Eventually, I ended up in South America. I travelled around and learned a bit about the world. It was a bit startling to realise it's so much bigger than me and I'm just a speck of dust in the universe that doesn't matter all that much."

Eddie's knee brushed against his and he smiled slightly, reaching out to clasp Eddie's hand in his own and squeezing. Trust Eddie to be hanging off every word even as his eyes were on his son.

"I kept moving around a lot and then I joined the SEALs. That didn't work out, and a year later I was trying out for the LAFD," he said with a shrug while Victoria nodded along, lips pursed in thought. "So go to community college, or go to college if you want. Graduate or don't graduate. It's really your choice to figure out what will make _you_ happy and to pursue it, right?"

"I think that's the wisest thing I've ever heard you say," Eddie muttered and Buck elbowed him, making Victoria snort.

"Thank you," she said, returning the straw she had been picking apart to her empty glass and sitting back in her chair with a more relaxed set to her shoulders. "That's… It's comforting to know finding what you want isn't always easy."

" _See_? I _can_ give good advice," Buck said to Eddie, who smiled fondly and kissed the back of his hand.

"I never said you couldn't do that, babe."

"You literally-"

Eddie hushed him with an index finger against his lips and Victoria chuckled.

"You two are cute," she said and Buck grinned at her as he met Eddie's eyes, feeling a little like he was a dopey, lovesick fool.

"Yeah, we've heard that before."

* * *

"So _how_ do we know Victoria?" Eddie said as Buck let less tired hands peel the buttons of his shirt open.

The twenty-four shift combined with an additional twelve hours of memorial ceremony and dinner with Gloria and dropping Victoria off at a share-house she was living in with a bunch of other kids her age had completely caught up to Buck and he was only too happy to have Eddie's hands undress him, even if he expected Eddie would be left disappointed because Buck had absolutely no interest in doing anything other than cuddling tonight.

"I'm amazed you haven't figured it out," Buck said with a yawn, shifting his arms so Eddie could push the fabric off his shoulders. "I thought your memory was better than mine."

"Haven't the two of you humoured me long enough?" Eddie complained, fingers catching at the hem of Buck's tank top.

"What? You weren't having fun?"

Eddie tugged the fabric over his head, fixing Buck with a surly glower. "She's too young to be someone you dated but you clearly had a connection through the tsunami."

Buck hummed, tangling fingers into Eddie's Henley and feeling some of the faint curves of muscles in his abdomen that had begun to return now that Eddie had resumed training again in preparation for the recertification test. "Actually," he said as Eddie's index finger traced over the lines of the tattoo on his right pec, "we didn't meet during the tsunami."

Eddie frowned. "But- Wait- You _what_?" He met Buck's eyes, the confusion he'd worn most of the day returning tenfold. "But all the stories-"

"Were mine, and maybe hers. In the chaos of the day, everything has the same sort of feeling." He shrugged, knowing about some of the insane saves Eddie had made like scaling the Ferris wheel or performing CPR underwater. For those of them that had been swept away in the water and doing anything it took to survive… There were a lot of overlaps. That was why it was so hard to hear about a survivor or someone who hadn't survived, because there was no logical reason why some had made it out and others hadn't.

"So?"

Buck sighed, some of the humour deflating out of him as his eyes wandered away from Eddie's. "She was the girl on the overpass last year," he said quietly, waiting a beat, and then another, and then he felt when Eddie's posture shifted because he remembered. Eddie's hands slipped from his chest to his waist, thumbs tickling over Buck's ribcage as he gripped Buck tightly.

"I was so scared for _you_ that day I barely even paid attention to her," Eddie murmured and the confession surprised Buck so much he tilted his head, allowing himself to meet sad brown eyes. "I didn't know how to talk to you after that elevator call and you were so…" A crease appeared between Eddie's brows, his lips pressing together as he inhaled shakily. "I knew I was losing you, and it was so much worse than the lawsuit because with the lawsuit, I wasn't allowed to talk to you and I couldn't see you, but that time was… It was so much _worse_."

Buck could feel the faint tremble in Eddie's fingers and he ran a hand up Eddie's torso to rest against his heart. "I'm okay," he reassured but Eddie shook his head, eyes glittering.

"You weren't _then_."

And Buck couldn't have denied it even if he'd wanted to. They finished undressing and pulled on sweatpants or shorts for Christopher's sake and then Eddie extinguished the light to join Buck under the blankets. Eddie pressed as much of his chest as he could into Buck's, folding arms around his waist and clearly needing the skin-on-skin contact. He was still shaking and Buck skimmed his fingers through Eddie's hair, finding the ridge behind his ear and tracing his thumb over the spot and down to his jaw.

"I remember you sitting on that ledge," Eddie said softly, as some of the tightness in his muscles loosened. "I remember tightening the ropes because I thought you were going to jump too."

Now that Eddie mentioned it, Buck could remember the warning tug when he'd sat beside Victoria with his feet hanging off the edge. He couldn't particularly remember what he'd said to Victoria but it would've been some sort of story about their shared trauma. Anything to get her away from the edge. Anything to get her to listen.

"I-" Eddie's voice wavered and Buck kissed his head, his temple, random spots on his hair. "What I said before? About it being worse than the lawsuit? It… It was because I was watching you disappear in front of my eyes, Ev. I- I didn't think I'd ever get you back."

Buck touched his palm to Eddie's face, using it as a guide to determine where Eddie's mouth was and kissing him. Kissing him until Eddie's body shivered, kissing him until Eddie no longer seemed in danger of snapping because he was coiled so tightly around his fears, kissing him until Eddie's clinging hold had lessened.

He twitched when Eddie's index finger slipped over the dips and hollows of his torso, too exhausted to really think about sex. But the touching was nice. The touching he could enjoy.

"I'm here now," Buck whispered, the pads of his fingers tracing the underside of Eddie's jaw. "We worked it all out in the end, didn't we?"

"Yeah." Eddie nodded, pressing a lighter kiss to the edge of his mouth. "Please never scare me so badly on a call again that I don't even pay attention to our vic."

Buck managed a huffed laugh, incredibly aware of how low Eddie's fingers were circling on his hip and starting to revise just how exhausted he might be. "You have to get back to work first."

Eddie grunted. "Soon, Buckley. _Soon_."

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who remembered Victoria?? I wrote this scene/chapter and then actually went allllll the way back to the beginning and wrote the bridge scene. She wasn’t called Victoria at first either, but I can’t remember her original draft name anymore. 
> 
> Not long to go now......!!


	33. Chapter 33

**Word Count:** 6,343  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

September was right around the corner, more than four months after Eddie got shot, when he finally got cleared by the doctor and his physiotherapist to take a recertification test. Given Buck threw a clot after his recertification, he felt as though his nerves and anxieties and additional fussing for any unexplained aches and pains were warranted. All things considered, Eddie handled Buck's agitation well and kept reassuring him that he wasn't feeling sore and he kept his doctors in the loop about everything.

Buck could remember completing his recertification with his heart in his mouth because he didn't _have_ anything other than being a firefighter. Sure, he had Maddie and his sister was great but there was nothing else Buck could imagine doing with his life and he had felt so thoroughly lost. After the clot, and then the tsunami, Buck had collapsed in on himself because he had nothing to keep himself going, no one to make sure he got out of bed every day to shower and eat.

In contrast, Eddie had plenty to keep him going. Eddie had a whole legion of family members who called and FaceTimed frequently. Isabel and Pepa pinched Buck's cheek as a greeting every time and insisted Eddie eat more of their food, Helena asked him how Buck was doing with genuine maternal care, and Adriana and Sophia called for updates on Eddie, or Chris, or Buck's relationship status with Eddie. Buck wasn't used to the big, overly involved family thing – and he could tell Eddie was waiting for him to get uncomfortable with it – but Eddie's family extended Buck's lack of it and it gave him something beyond the firehouse that he hadn't had a year ago. All of that still didn't take into account how Eddie obviously had Christopher too, and Buck had been helping with Chris so much he almost felt like a co-parent. He'd never breathe a word of _that_ thought to Eddie because he still felt like Shannon was a sore subject, but sometimes he looked at Chris and thought of him as _his_ kid not just _the_ kid.

So even though Buck knew Eddie had plenty to keep him going, Buck still knew Eddie was anxious he wouldn't pass and so he'd remain out of a job, twiddling his thumbs and bored out of his mind after Chris had returned to school last week and Buck was on-shift. Buck was confident and hopeful he'd be fine, but Eddie returning to the 118 was likely to make life infinitely more complicated for both of them and he hadn't said anything about that to Eddie either.

Bobby had warned him almost a month ago that whenever Eddie returned, there would be forms to fill in and an understanding would be required that Bobby would never, under any circumstances, pair them up for dangerous rescues. Buck understood it logically but if Bobby ordered Eddie into something dangerous and Buck was restricted from going after him as back-up, he thought he'd probably lose his mind. He could easily imagine Eddie disappearing into some godawful, ridiculous situation and Buck ignoring Bobby yelling at him in favour of charging after Eddie, his partner in so many ways beyond just the firehouse. He always was the more reckless of the two, after all.

But Buck had smiled and nodded and told Cap he understood and returned to cataloguing the items on the truck because it gave him a way to pass the time in between the blare of the alarms and missing Eddie.

He also knew Eddie was anxious because he was actually _talking_ more about his messier feelings. It was usually late at night, long after Chris had gone to bed – sometimes long after _they_ had gone to bed – before Eddie's walls would lower just enough to let Buck peer into the troubles that still plagued his mind. It was a relief that Eddie was talking and it was clear that the he was trusting Frank with memories from Afghanistan, or Shannon, or his worries about Christopher, or Buck. His words still sounded strained, like they were choked in a raw throat that was studded with knives, but Buck always listened patiently and held Eddie close because simmering below the surface was a whole ocean of pain that Eddie had very carefully concealed and hidden away for a very long time.

Sometimes, on very rare occasions when Eddie asked, Buck reciprocated the sharing with some of his own feelings about the tsunami. Somehow getting past the one-year anniversary had made it easier to start talking about, like he'd survived twelve months without Fate inflicting a near-death experience on him aga-

"Hey, Eddie's recertification is soon, right?" Chim said, bounding up to him with a cookie in his hand and breaking Buck's thoughts.

Buck glanced up, wondering if it was a cookie batch that they should be more wary of after that time they'd all been dosed with LSD. "Yeah, a couple of weeks," he said absently, more intent on avoiding bystanders in his quest to topple Hen's high score.

"So we're gonna throw him a party, yeah? Like we did for you? Should we organise a pair of cakes just in case he fails?"

Buck rolled his eyes and paused the game, casting a frustrated look at Chimney who looked…awfully exuberant, really. His eyes flicked to the cookie again.

"Have you ever known Eddie to fail at anything he set his mind too?"

"Well… No," Chim agreed, nibbling at the edge of the cookie with a thoughtful look on his face. "But can you imagine how awkward it would be if he failed and we'd thrown him a celebration?"

"Who's failing?" Hen wandered over, a mug of tea in her hands and making an amused noise at Buck's rather miserable score so far. He still had a long way to go. She shouldn't dismiss him so quickly.

"No one. Just brainstorming for Eddie's party."

"Eddie's having a party?"

"Oh my God," Buck muttered, tossing the controller onto the table and fixing Bobby with a glare. "Don't _you_ start."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," Bobby said with a contrite looking shrug, but there was a small dimple in his cheek from his barely suppressed grin.

"I do! They're worried Eddie's gonna fail the recertification!" Hen announced, her eyes bright and sparkly behind her mug.

"I am not!" Buck protested, waving his hands at all of them. "Don't you dare think I expect him to fail!"

"Aww, look at being a good, defensive little boyfriend!" Chim said, jutting out his lower lip and tilting his head like he was trying to give some adorable sort of pout.

"I- I'm not- You- Argh!"

Their combined laughter followed him long after he had fled downstairs and disappeared into the bunkroom in some sort of misguided attempt to hide from them until the next call.

* * *

"Buck?"

He set Christopher's glasses on the bedside table and curled his arm around the curly head, propping the book between them. "Yeah, buddy?"

"Are you and my Dad gonna get married?"

Buck nearly dropped the book. He almost certainly would've poked his eye out if he'd been rubbing at them. " _What_?"

"You heard me." Christopher tilted his head to fix his big doe eyes on Buck and not for the first time, Buck realised he was entirely and hopelessly coiled around this kid's finger. All of his fingers, perhaps. Like a marionette puppet. Dangling helplessly because Christopher had his heart and soul and had just stolen what was left of his sanity.

"Uh…" His throat felt like he'd swallowed sand and it was almost as dry as a desert. He couldn't decide whether he needed to swallow or cough and so he sort of did both, which make it sound like he was a cat hacking up a furball. And yet Christopher just waited patiently for him, stare never wavering. "That… That's not something your Dad and I have really talked about, kiddo."

"Why?"

"Err…" Truthfully, Buck wasn't entirely sure if Eddie even _wanted_ to get remarried after Shannon but it also felt incredibly early in their relationship to even contemplate having that sort of a conversation. "Well, I… Marriage is a…a really big deal for some people and your Dad and I… We're still just getting used to being together and living together."

"Yeah, but you two _really_ love each other," Christopher pointed out and Buck was starting to doubt they were going to get to the book tonight. "You just didn't realise you loved until a lot later, so you've actually loved each other for longer than you think."

Buck really didn't want to break this kid's bubble that relationships were more complicated.

"Besides, you've known each other for _ages_."

And he also couldn't tell Chris that time wasn't the best determiner of a relationship.

When Buck tried to explain a simplified version of the complexities of being together, Christopher simply pouted.

"Well, _I_ think it'd be cool if you got married," Christopher said, wriggling a little until he was more comfortably situated in Buck's arms.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because then I could call you my _other_ Dad and I could tell all the kids at school that I have _three_ parents," Christopher said with a small shrug, like it was utterly obvious and not at all splintering Buck's brain into teeny tiny pieces at actually being called Chris' _father_. Maybe that was how Bobby had felt with May and Harry. He'd ask but he thought Bobby would probably rest his chin in his hands and look at Buck like he'd just hung the moon while demanding an explanation. "Are you gonna read now or not?"

He gaped like a dying fish for at least a minute before he started reading, and he read long after Christopher's soft weight of sleep had settled against him because it was a good distraction from all the thoughts that kept pinging around his brain and pressing against his determination to concentrate.

"I think he's asleep." Eddie's soft voice cut through Buck's murmured words and when he looked up, cheeks filling with fire, Eddie's smile was small and fond. "I was starting to think he was really struggling to go down."

Buck shook his head, pressing a kiss to Chris' head and untangling the boy's limbs from his own so he could lay his head on the pillows and tuck the blankets around him. Reading to Chris had become one of the highlights of his day, or night. Being trusted to lull someone to sleep… It filled him with a sense of awe and a warm fuzziness in his chest he couldn't envisage getting from any other relatively mundane action.

"He's my little angel," Buck whispered as he turned off the light and followed Eddie into the shadowed corridor. The light was dim but he still thought he caught the way Eddie's lips twitched into a small smile when he heard the possessiveness that Buck had started to use when it came to Christopher.

"It helps when he loves you so much."

"Not as much as I love him."

"Oh?" Eddie turned, fingers smoothing across Buck's chest and collarbones through his shirt. "Should I be jealous?"

"Of how much I love your kid?" Buck's laughter was hushed as he watched the sparkle of light from the family room glitter in Eddie's eyes. "Absolutely."

Eddie pressed into his space, kissing him until his back hit the wall and Buck could only grasp at Eddie's waist to hold him close and continue kissing him until he was breathless, because his other favourite thing about the evenings was tumbling into bed with Eddie and trying to minimise how much noise they made.

* * *

It wasn't as though Eddie had been a stranger to the firehouse since he'd been injured and put out of commission but it _was_ still strange to see him standing by the main shed doors, hands in his pockets and leaning against the wall when Buck clocked off his shift like a picture of absolute perfection.

"Hi?" he said, arching an eyebrow at the small smile playing on Eddie's lips.

"Hey yourself," Eddie greeted, then nodded at Chim and Hen who had appeared behind Buck like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Although even without looking at them, Buck knew they were both grinning so really, they were probably both devils.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of seeing Buck turn the colour of the firetruck?" Chim said and Buck nearly elbowed him in the stomach sharp enough that he'd have landed on the floor.

"We-ll…" Eddie pursed his lips, looking entirely too kissable in Buck's opinion given his ruffled hair and the tight, dark wash jeans and loose collared shirt he was wearing. Only two buttons were actually fastened, meaning they all had a good glimpse of Eddie's tank top beneath it. And Buck knew exactly what lay beneath _that_ thin layer of fabric. "I had some news that I didn't want to simply text you."

"You passed?" Hen shrieked and Eddie couldn't even get the confirmation out, or smile any wider, before she'd launched herself past Buck to throw her arms around Eddie's shoulders.

"Hey, man! That's great! Congrats!" Chim said, awkwardly moving closer to hug Eddie when Eddie flailed a hand under Hen's enthusiasm to encourage him closer.

Buck was still blinking at them when Bobby appeared and joined the impromptu group hug, which was rapidly making Eddie uncomfortable if his pleading eyes over Chim's hair was anything to go by. Buck almost pitied him. _Almost_.

"I thought your recertification was in a few days?" he said eventually, and the way Eddie's eyes shifted away from him for a fraction of a second betrayed that he'd been lying about that particular detail for weeks.

The trio holding onto him all started to loosen their grip. Hen's hands slipped to Eddie's cheeks and then she was planting a noisy kiss on his forehead that left behind traces of her dark lipstick on his skin. Eddie pushed her away with a small chuckle, rubbing his hand against his head and smudging the colour.

"I… I knew you'd all start making a big deal out of it and I was petrified of failing," Eddie explained, his eyes darting between each of them and the floor. He could barely even look at Buck and Buck couldn't decide if he was more stung by the lie – small though it was – or that Eddie somehow seemed to think Buck wasn't 100% supportive of his recertification attempt.

"We never had any doubt, did we?" Chim said with a delighted grin as he rubbed his hands together.

Buck shot him a withering look. " _You_ were planning two cakes."

"Don't take it personally. We organised two cakes for you, too," Chim shrugged, and Buck…really didn't know what to do with that response. It had been a year and he still didn't know how to respond.

"Wait, you were organising cakes?"

"Well, you were _meant_ to know by this weekend so that we could all end up at Bobby's to surprise you but _now_ it's not going to be a surprise because you _ruined_ it," Hen complained, punching Eddie lightly in his arm. "Act surprised for the kids and Athena though, okay? They've been looking forward to it."

* * *

"What's up with you?" Eddie asked once they were in bed, the foot of space between him and Eddie practically an ocean that threatened to drown him all over again. All afternoon and evening, Eddie had been aloof and distant. It hadn't helped that Christopher had almost seemed _sullen_ when Eddie had informed his son that he'd be returning to work soon.

"Nothing." _Everything_. He couldn't help but feel somewhat gutted at the lying that had been occurring around him and Christopher lately. If Eddie could cover up this, what else was he hiding? What if Eddie had been having a pain in his arm? What if _he_ threw a clot at the party at Bobby and Athena's? What if he crumpled into a pool of blood in the middle of the kitchen while they made dinner?

It threw every bit of progress he thought Eddie had been making – that _they_ had been making – into question. And it scared him.

"Buck…"

He rolled onto his side, facing the wall and knowing he was acting like a petulant child but he didn't care. If he'd still had his own apartment, Buck could imagine spending the night there because he didn't know how to look at Eddie tonight. He didn't know how to act normal. He didn't know how to talk to him.

"Buck, please… Please, just talk to me?"

And what made it worse, if anything _could_ make it worse, was that Eddie hadn't even been injured on the job. He didn't have all those fears of the truck turning a corner too sharply and rolling. He didn't have to worry about exploding fire hydrants or errant hoses. Eddie had been shot off-duty and somehow that meant he wasn't fazed about returning to the job. A job where they couldn't be partnered together anymore. A job where one of them could get hurt while performing a rescue. A job where his anxiety could shred him if Eddie was in danger.

He shook his head, rolling out of bed and leaving the room because he couldn't stand to listen to Eddie right now either.

He collapsed onto the couch, threading his hands into his hair and tried to focus on keeping his breathing slow and regular even as his heartbeat skipped and his lungs stuttered. He couldn't comprehend why Eddie hadn't just told him the truth about the recertification date. He couldn't comprehend how many other lies he might have been naïve to see. He couldn't understand what their relationship was if Eddie didn't trust him. He couldn't-

"Buck?"

He released a trembling breath and raised his head, the faint glow from various electronics catching on Christopher's glasses as he stared at Buck on the couch.

"H-Hey, champ."

"Buck, what's wrong?" Chris murmured, shuffling the last few steps until he could climb onto the couch and then pushed his way past Buck's hunched form to fold into his lap. "Are you scared about Daddy too?"

It was instinct or habit, more than anything else, that saw him wrap his arms around Chris' body and hold the kid against his chest as he leaned back against the couch. "Scared?"

"I'm scared he's gonna get hurt again," Chris admitted, his hand patting unsteadily against Buck's forearm as he leaned his head against Buck's shoulder. "You'll protect him though, right?"

He couldn't tell Chris about the paperwork and agreements he'd have to set up with Bobby and Eddie at the start of their first shift. He couldn't. But that didn't mean he wouldn't be watching Eddie like a hawk every time they approached a call to look out for him running into danger. "Of course, bud."

Chris nodded, fingers curling and uncurling against his arm for several quiet moments. And Buck, perhaps due to necessity, found that the effort required to stay calm for Chris helped subdue the anxiety attack that thrummed beneath his sternum.

"I love you, Buck," Chris said quietly, his voice slurred with sleep and Buck kissed the top of his hair and ran fingers through the soft curls.

"I love you too, baby," he said, knowing there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do to keep Christopher safe.

He knew when Chris fell asleep but he sat there a while longer, rocking the kid in his arms and using Chris' weight to anchor him to the present, to avoid dissolving into the anxiety that had been bubbling inside him all afternoon. When it seemed enough time had passed, he carefully stood and carried Chris back to bed.

He still didn't know how to face Eddie but when he approached the bedroom, he could hear the barely stifled sniffs and quivering half-breaths. He closed his eyes and bowed his head and wondered if he should bash his head against the wall for making Eddie cry. Because Eddie very rarely cried.

"You lied," he said, teeth curving against his bottom lip as he fidgeted with the cord of his sweatpants. "I know it's only minor and I understand your fear of failing but…you lied. And… And I don't like being lied to because it makes me wonder what else you lied about."

"Buck…" Eddie's voice cracked in the middle and Buck shut his eyes, feeling the way they pricked with heat and pain.

"And I know it's irrational. I _know_ that, Eddie. I just…don't like being lied to? Maddie lied for years about Doug and then Abby said she was leaving for a short time and she never came back and-" He inhaled and exhaled, rubbed a hand over his face, inhaled and exhaled again. "I guess I'd hoped you trusted me with…anything or everything so something like this… It seems so small and yet you didn't tell me and it hurts."

"I'm _sorry_ ," Eddie whispered and Buck knew that this was something he'd get over within a couple of days, that he didn't even really need an apology because Eddie shouldn't feel guilty when he'd done something like pass the recertification test to return to work. And Buck had made him feel miserable when they should be celebrating. Buck slid onto the bed, searching until he could wrap his arms around Eddie's quaking body. "I'm s-sorry, Evan. I never-"

"I know." He kissed the side of Eddie's head, skimming his nose at Eddie's ear and inhaling the lingering cologne on his neck. "I'm not…mad at you? Not really. I'm just- I'm scared of you getting hurt, or that you didn't trust me with something that mattered to you. I guess… I mean, I did my recert and then collapsed because of the clot. And I can't go through that with you, you know?"

"You won't because I'd actually tell someone if my arm felt weird," Eddie pointed out, his voice still choked, and Buck scrunched his fingers against Eddie's ribcage in a vague tickle.

"Asshole," he muttered, though it was laced with an undeniable affection that Eddie leaned into, fingers curving over Buck's forearms to hold onto the embrace.

"I do trust you," Eddie said, tilting his head and finding random spots on Buck's face to place butterfly kisses even in the dark. "I trust you with _everything_ , Evan. More than anyone I've ever met."

"But this?"

"This was… I didn't want to jinx it? My Abuela has made me superstitious about speaking things into existence," Eddie explained and Buck sighed, releasing some of the tension in his muscles. He knew all about Isabel's superstitions after she'd woken them up not long after Eddie had suggested he move in to let them know that it was an exciting next stage in their relationship.

They hadn't told anyone they were moving in together. Not even Christopher.

"Please tell me there's nothing else you've been trying not to jinx?"

"Telling you would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?" Buck huffed and Eddie snorted a small laugh. "Will you tell me about the two cakes?"

"And ruin the surprise that not even Chim is telling me about?" He shook his head, freeing one hand to tip Eddie's chin and catch his lips in a slow kiss. "How about I show you how happy I am that you're coming back to work?"

Eddie hummed, tugging Buck over him and peeling the t-shirt from his torso. "That sounds like an agreeable alternative," Eddie mused, the smile in his voice obvious.

The celebration party might now be mismatched by a few days, but that didn't mean they couldn't find their own way to celebrate.

* * *

Buck felt oddly like he was escorting a date to prom with the way his elbow was crooked through Eddie's, but maybe it felt odd because in his other hand he held Christopher's as his favourite kid used one crutch and Buck's hand to get to Bobby and Athena's plum-coloured door. They didn't even knock before it opened and Hen was squealing, drawing them into a hug like she hadn't just seen them a few hours ago at the park with Karen and Denny, and then Maddie was swooping in to hug him and Bobby was spinning Christopher into a hug and for a moment, it was thoroughly overwhelming.

"You okay?" Maddie said, cupping his cheek and drawing his eyes away from where Eddie was smiling at something Chim was telling him.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "I'm great," he promised and she smiled, brown eyes sparkling with a warmth he feared she would never get back after she'd escaped Doug and then had to flee for her life.

It wasn't until they were all sitting down for dinner almost an hour later that Buck realised Eddie kept getting pulled away from him to talk to other people but it wasn't as though he could be bitter about it. This party was about _Eddie_ , after all, and Buck wasn't about to complain as he observed Eddie from across whatever room they would find themselves sharing, seeing the calm set of Eddie's shoulders and the small twitches of the edge of his lips when he was fighting a smile. From time to time, Buck got distracted by Christopher grabbing at his hand and pulling him away to show him something Denny or Harry needed him for and he wasn't about to complain about that either as he trailed after his kid.

But when they were finally sitting down to eat, when Bobby had spread the table in a ridiculous amount of delicious-looking and smelling food, he felt the way Eddie's thigh pressed against his, the little knock of their knees, the way Eddie's arm wrapped around his back and fingers tickled against his upper arm, and wondered when he'd gotten so damn _lucky_ as to have Eddie so confidently displaying affection to their entire extended fire family.

"You know there are going to be like, a million forms for you to fill in now?" Chim said as he eyed the way Eddie's fingers fiddled with the sleeve of Buck's shirt. Maddie elbowed Chim in the stomach but Chim looked entirely unabashed by his comment.

"Are relationships meant to have that much paperwork when it's still so early?" Buck retorted, waving his speared roast potato in the air towards Chim.

"Early? It's been _months_ ," Chim pointed out and Buck shrugged, glancing at Eddie with a look that felt almost as dopey and serene as he felt when Eddie was nearby. Chris told them it made him feel sick, but the kid usually said it through giggles so Buck hadn't been offended by it yet.

"I don't mind relationships that involve paperwork," Eddie said quietly, meeting his eyes with something flickering behind his expression that made Buck's breathing hitch because…well. Buck really needed to not start leaping through relationship milestones, even though they'd already done a whole lot in a really haphazard sort of order.

"You will mind if it means making sure both your asses get home to your son," Bobby said, his voice slicing through the moment that Buck had been thoroughly enjoying and utterly questioning because Eddie's eyes turned from his and they both gazed at Bobby in undisguised surprise.

"Did Uncle Bobby say a bad word?" Chris said through giggles from Eddie's right.

"Uh…" Buck was delighted to see Bobby's cheeks were flushed when he finally tore his gaze away from Eddie's, though whether it was because he'd been busted saying 'ass' or called 'Uncle Bobby', Buck wasn't sure. "More of a comment on the safety of your father and Buck, kiddo."

"They already take care of each other," Christopher said sagely, eyes wide behind his glasses as he looked from Bobby, to Buck, to Eddie. "They're superheroes."

"Aww," Hen and Maddie echoed and Buck nearly flung a brussel sprout at their heads, except Athena was staring at him from across the table – with a small upturn in her lips that made the sergeant's glare a little less threatening than it could have been – so he refrained. And maybe stuck out his tongue at his sister, who stuck out hers in retaliation.

"What's it like, Eddie? Having two children?" Karen asked with such gentle kindness that Buck missed the insult for a second because he got stuck trying to work out how Eddie had a second child he didn't know about and internally panicking, and then realised others at the table were laughing.

"It makes family dinners interesting when I have to put on twice the number of chicken nuggets," Eddie replied easily, increasing the laughter even as Buck pouted and Eddie nudged his leg under the table and flashed him a grin that made Buck's heart flutter.

Bobby lured him into a particularly disinteresting conversation about chore assignments for the next few shifts and Eddie was distracted by Chris but even with the buzz of everyone around them, Buck was always acutely aware of the comforting weight of Eddie's leg against his and wondered how he was ever meant to keep his hands off Eddie at the station. Maybe all the forms _were_ necessary. Maybe they needed to rethink how they were going to work together, beyond mere partner re-assignments.

Athena began clearing dishes and Maddie, Chim and Buck pitched in to help. Karen and Hen carried plates to the kitchen while Maddie and Chim scraped leftovers into bins and Buck didn't even realise he knew Athena and Bobby's kitchen so well until he was moving around Athena to stack some dishes in the dishwasher and others by the side of the sink to wash by hand. Within no time, they were done and Hen was shooing him out of the kitchen so she and Chim could sort out the cake, which filled Buck with an uneasy trepidation as he grabbed two fresh beers and wandered outside where he found Eddie and Christopher squished onto a chair chatting with Bobby, Michael and Karen.

"Hey," he said, squeezing onto the arm beside Eddie and passing him the beer. Eddie's fingers brushed against his as he took the bottle and Buck curled his fingers through Eddie's, tuning in to Michael explaining something about a Science project that he and Bobby had devised for Harry.

"But then we realised it was probably a hazard and it probably wouldn't be a good look if the son of a sergeant and stepson of a fire captain needed to call 911," Michael was explaining while Karen covered her mouth to stifle the laughter that seeped out of her.

"I still think it was a perfectly reasonable idea," Bobby said with a shrug and a mischievous grin. "Maybe I'll convince Christopher to do it when he's older."

"I do not condone my son getting involved in dangerous Science projects," Eddie said firmly, even as Christopher cheered under his arm. "Buck, back me up here?"

Buck blinked, nearly swallowing his mouthful of beer down the wrong tube. "You want my input on a parenting decision?"

"You're raising this kid just as much as I am," Eddie pointed out and Buck was…very much speechless at that thought. When he glanced from Eddie to Bobby or Michael or Karen for assistance, he noticed they were all studiously looking away and trying to politely give him a chance to process a response. _Bastards_.

"Dangerous Science projects sounds like a bad idea," he concurred when he had eventually recovered, feeling as though he'd won a victory when Eddie beamed at him even though Chris pouted. "Then again, I'm pretty sure my cooking is dangerous and Chris has made it this far so maybe we should let him blow a few things up."

Eddie's smile slipped and Karen burst into fresh laughter. "You were meant to _help_ ," Eddie hissed, but his eyes were creased at the edges around the grin he was fighting.

"Sorry?" He fluttered his eyelashes at Eddie and Michael snorted into his glass of wine.

Eddie opened his mouth to say something else but they were interrupted by Maddie calling Eddie's name.

"Cake!" she announced, gesturing at Hen and Chim who were carrying the rectangular slab of white icing that was decorated with a dozen sparkling candles past the sliding door and towards the emptied table.

"Oh God," Eddie muttered as Chris perked up at the promise of sugar, squirming away from Eddie's arm and grasping Maddie's outstretched hand.

"What are you so afraid of?" Bobby said, biting at his bottom lip which just made Buck's uncertainty increase that this was about to be an absolute _disaster_.

Eddie fixed their captain with a glare and pulled Buck to his feet. Hen and Chim set the cake on the table and everyone clustered around to have a look at it, everyone dissolving into fits of cackles and laughter that made Buck eye them warily.

Eddie inched closer and then muttered something in Spanish that was too low for Buck to even guess at, and Buck peered over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the cake. A cake that held an image of _him_ , for heaven's sake, giving a cheesy thumbs up from the cab of the firetruck. Emblazoned above the photo were the words _JUST REMEMBER_ and beneath the photo were the words _FIREHOSE BEFORE FIREBROS._

There was _no way_ they knew Buck's former dating profile name because if they had, they would _never_ have made the joke that was surely meant to refer to Eddie remaining focused on the job rather than on Buck.

But the fact Chim and Hen didn't know about his dating profile name actually meant it was even funnier than they had intended it to be because it completely inverted their joke.

And his hysterical laughter, barely suppressed by forcing his mouth against the back of Eddie's shoulder to stop the sound passing his lips, only made them all frown in confusion.

"What did we do?" Hen asked, her eyes searching every adult in the area for an explanation.

"I think we broke him," Chim admitted as Maddie rolled her eyes at him.

"He might've been broken a while ago," Hen said.

"Dad, what part of Buck is broken?" Chris said, tugging on Eddie's sleeve as Buck continued to shake with his laughter, silent tears rolling down his cheeks as he fought the ache of amusement from flying free.

"Nothing is broken, _mijo_ ," Eddie said, ruffling his hands through Christopher's hair even as his other squeezed Buck's hand. "Buck just has a terrible sense of humour."

Which just made Buck laugh harder, honestly.

* * *

"So…" Eddie began once they'd gotten Christopher tucked into bed, a soft smile on his sleeping face as he hopefully dreamed about kittens and puppies and rainbows. "What was the joke with the cake that I didn't get?"

Buck shook his head, popping the button on his jeans to start getting changed for bed. "I'm not talking about that part of Buck 1.0."

"Oh?" Eddie leaned against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest, eyebrow raising. "And here I thought I knew everything about you."

"You know a lot." Buck shimmied out of his jeans and met Eddie's look with one of his own. "But a guy's gotta have some secrets, right?"

Eddie's eyes traced down his body and Buck would never pretend like it didn't fill his skin with heat. "Does he?"

Slowly, determinedly, Buck began unbuttoning his shirt from the bottom and gradually worked his way up. "Keeps life interesting."

"'Interesting'," Eddie parroted, taking half a step towards him when Buck's shirt was barely dangling from his shoulders. "You're not James Bond and needing to be some international man of mystery, Buckley."

"And here I thought you liked role-playing, _Diaz_ ," Buck taunted, failing to hide his smirk when he saw the way Eddie's eyes widened and darkened, the way he licked his lips as he approached Buck.

"That…" Eddie said quietly, his hand settling on Buck's waist and tugging him closer. He tilted his head to press a kiss to Buck's neck that left Buck shuddering and reaching for the hem of Eddie's shirt. "That is an entirely different sort of conversation to be having than a discussion about the parts of you I still don't know."

Buck tugged Eddie's shirt over his head, trailing fingertips over Eddie's shoulders and down his back as Eddie continued to pay attention to his neck and collarbone with tickling brushes of his lips against electrified flesh. "You know all the important parts and the parts that matter and the worthwhile parts."

Eddie paused, eyes flicking up to meet Buck's. "I want _all_ the parts, Evan," he said with a gentle sort of seriousness that made Buck's chest tighten for a moment at the thought of everything he still kept hidden away. "You've seen my hurt and my broken and my angry and my scared parts. You don't have to be afraid to show me yours."

And Buck knew, logically, that Eddie was right. Even so, standing almost naked with Eddie's bare chest against his was not the time or the place he wanted to start unearthing all the messy and dirty fragments of his past. Eddie knew enough, for now.

"How about I show you something else of mine?" he said with what he hoped was a wicked grin as he lightly slapped Eddie's ass, making Eddie jump a little and puff a small breath of laughter over Buck's skin.

"I've already seen _that_ though," Eddie mused, eyes glittering with mirth as Buck rolled his eyes and finally kissed him properly because it just wasn't _fair_ how Eddie had an answer to _everything_ and it was about time they talked a whole lot less.

* * *

**~TBC~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolute _dorks_.
> 
> I love how much laughter and teasing and stupid jokes there are this chapter. After all of the darkness, it’s about time there was some lightness!!


	34. Chapter 34

**Word Count:** 2,691  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** There is reference to a minor anxiety attack.

* * *

It was a slow day at the 118, a week after Eddie had officially returned, and Buck was restless. It was rare they had quiet shifts and he'd already asked Bobby, _twice_ , if they'd somehow been pulled from commission without being told.

"Just enjoy it," Eddie insisted, fingers twisting into the hair at the base of Buck's neck while they lazed on the couch and watched some awful daytime soap play quietly on the television.

"I _can't_ ," he said, his hands unsettled in his lap while he tried to play a game on his phone or look at Twitter, or occasionally glanced at the television, or sought out Bobby or Hen or Chim to check again that everything was normal. He couldn't explain the discomfort he felt and the only thing from stopping him climbing the walls was Eddie's gentle hand moving against his skin.

"Okay, c'mere," Eddie murmured, shifting until Buck was repositioned more in his lap and it was…how they might sit together on the couch at home but definitely wasn't something Buck envisaged occurring at _work_. Eddie's arms were firm around him, a hand pressing against his chest. "Where's all this anxiety coming from, Ev?"

He shook his head, his shuddery heartbeat making full inhales and exhales of oxygen harder than it had to or should be. "I don't know," he whispered, tilting into Eddie's chest and fixing his eyes on the television. "I don't know."

"Breathe with me?" Eddie suggested, the hand rubbing at Buck's sternum. "Just focus on matching your breathing, okay?"

He was doing slightly better when the alarms finally went off but he still felt jittery as he descended the stairs towards the truck.

"You okay?" Hen said, her hand touching his shoulder as he struggled to pull his coat on fluidly.

"Yeah, I… Yeah…"

It didn't sound convincing, and her face clearly conveyed she was unconvinced, but he hopped into the cab of the truck anyway and settled himself opposite Eddie so their knees could brush on the way to the call. Even though Hen was clearly eyeing him, and even though Chim occasionally muttered something about being jealous that he couldn't work _with_ Maddie, Eddie reached for Buck's hand and held it as the truck pulled out of the station.

"We're not the first crew to get called to this site," Bobby explained as they bounced along the road, the din of the blaring sirens loud in Buck's ears even through the headset. "Multiple victims after a landslide took out a function room in the Hills."

Buck fixed Eddie with a look, like he'd had some sort of spidey-sense that told him _this_ had been why he'd felt so anxious all shift.

"What are our assignments, Cap?" The truck turned to the left as Chim glanced to Bobby in the passenger seat.

Bobby audibly hesitated over the crackle of the headset and Buck glanced over his shoulder at the Captain, who met his eyes and looked almost as lost as Buck felt. "I- Eddie and Buck, I know you're my best rappelers for cliff rescues after that earthquake but-"

"We can do it," Eddie said, squeezing Buck's hand perhaps in some sort of futile attempt to instil all the confidence in his blood that he certainly wasn't feeling. "We'll be careful, Cap. We know we shouldn't be paired up but we can do this."

"It goes against the waivers you signed and departmental policy."

"You really want to restrict one of us and send Chim or Hen in? That's _more_ dangerous for them _and_ us," Eddie pointed out and Bobby sighed, gaze shifting to Hen and then Chim.

"What do you two think?"

Buck couldn't remember a time Bobby had ever doubted himself this much and it unnerved him, made the anxiety beneath his skin flare again into something hot and acrid and desperately uncomfortable. Eddie's thumb rubbed against his hand, trying his best to keep it contained.

"They're our best climbers, Cap," Chim said and next to Eddie, Hen nodded in agreement.

"You need to be smart about this, and you need to be _safe_ ," Bobby said, fixing each of them with stern glares that had Buck nodding even as he held onto Eddie's hand a little tighter.

Bobby slipped into his more regular Captain mode after that, telling Buck and Eddie that they were needed with rescuing anyone who had fallen in the landslide while Hen and Chim would be redirected to helping the wounded and determining triage.

"Do we know how many people were at the function centre?" Hen said as Chim eased the truck around another corner that took them higher into the sprawling hills above the Los Angeles basin.

"It was packed for a wedding. Bride and groom are still missing," Bobby said grimly and Buck knew this call, _this call_ , was why he'd felt so anxious all day. That feeling of foreboding, of trepidation, that something was going to go wrong… The quiet days always had something big happen.

A hush settled over the truck – or as much of a hush as could settle when the sirens were still wailing and Buck could hear the occasional crackle when the mics picked up someone's breathing. He glanced at Eddie, who was watching him closely, like he expected Buck to disintegrate at a moment's notice, but he could do landslides. He'd rather landslides up in the hills than a water rescue, any and _every_ day of the week.

The truck slowed and Buck glanced around, noting other trucks lining one side of the narrow road to allow a stream of ambulances to depart with victims.

"Here goes nothing," he said, one final squeeze to Eddie's hand as they all climbed out of the truck and took in the scene.

They could hear the screams of desperation from people they couldn't see, and shouts of first responders delivering orders. When Buck looked around, he could see the stumps of timber rising from the ground by the side of the road. They were split and jagged, like a bolt of lightning had struck them and sent the rest of the function centre vanishing down the cliff. He assumed the foundation of the building had either given way or the posts had been woefully insufficient to hold the weight of the building.

"Buck, Eddie, gear up," Bobby said, drawing their attention from the carnage that surrounded them to point at the panel on the truck that held their rappelling gear. "Hen, Chim – staging area. Start with the yellow tent and find out where you're needed."

With a nod, the team scattered and Buck passed Eddie his gear before retrieving his own. They worked quickly but in relative silence, tying off straps in their harnesses as they moved towards the various anchor points that had already been embedded in the rock-face and determining who was lead on this part of the mission.

"Check me?" Eddie said, his hand touching Buck's elbow as Buck finished looping a knot through the carabiner at his waist. Buck's fingers slipped over Eddie's ropes and harness, checking for kinks, tugging at a few knots to make sure they held, twisting Eddie's carabiner tighter to make sure it wasn't going to unravel everything. It was something they'd done plenty of times before but it was different this time. Buck supposed it was because if he missed something vital in Eddie's gear, he'd never forgive himself.

"You're good," he said, letting Eddie do the reciprocal checks and wondering whether he'd ever really paid attention to Eddie's hands shifting over him the way that he was now.

"Let's go," Eddie said when he was satisfied, nudging Buck with his shoulder as they approached the Incident Commander with MOREAU stitched to his turnout.

"Buckley and Diaz from the 118. Where would you like us, Sir?" Eddie said, clipping his helmet to his head as they stood in front of Moreau

"We're still on rescue," Moreau said with a gesture towards the edge of the cliff, where plenty of ropes were already hanging and shifting as firefighters on the other end gathered victims beyond their sightline. "We're taking it in rotations. When someone comes up with a patient and disconnects from the anchor, then you go down. It ensures you have a break and stay with your partner. We trust your quick triage judgement to determine which tent they go to when you get back up." He pointed towards the different coloured stalls. Buck's eyes lingered on the black before returning to Moreau. "Then you wait for the next pair to ascend and start the process again."

Buck nodded and Moreau turned away to speak to a Battalion Chief, essentially dismissing them.

They moved to stand with other pairs of firefighters in harnesses.

"You new here?"

It was a voice he recognised and when he turned, he felt a flicker in his chest that made his hands clench when he saw Bosko's bright grin at Eddie as she gathered him into a hug.

"Just arrived," Eddie confirmed, returning the hug with a pat to her shoulder before pulling away.

Bosko waved at him. Buck just clenched his jaw. She didn't seem perturbed by his reaction, instead shifting her attention back to Eddie.

"It's madness down there," she said, waving at the cliff and then towards the tents. "Lots of cuts and scrapes but plenty of broken bones that need splinting. Most of the walls were glass so when the place gave way, the guests got showered in it as they rolled down the hill." Bosko shook her head, clapping Eddie on the shoulder. "Anyway, how you been, Diaz? I haven't seen you for a while."

"Uh-" Eddie's eyes slid to Buck, who was determinedly focused on the rope lines and when he could join in on a rescue . "Yeah, I- I've been out for a few months."

Buck almost snorted, unsure if Eddie had intended his words to hold a double meaning or not.

"Nothing like getting right back into it then, huh?" Bosko said, completely unfazed by Eddie's clear distance in his words. "Just another regular day at the office!"

Buck decided not to ask if she was commenting on his time as an office paper-pusher within the LAFD. He wasn't sure he wanted to wear Athena's cuffs if she just so _happened_ to get shoved off the edge of a cliff after making some asinine comment about the lawsuit in his vicinity.

* * *

If nothing else, the cliff rescue missions proved a valuable distraction from Bosko's general presence because Buck lost track of her after the second time he descended the cliff with Eddie to retrieve a victim. The anxiety Buck had felt all day faded into background noise when all he had to focus on was the hill beneath him: checking for loose patches of ground that might give way and threaten the rescuers below, assessing if the hill showed any further signs of weakness, carefully clearing glass as he approached someone else with Eddie right behind him.

Begrudgingly, he could at least admit Bosko had been right: it _was_ madness. He stopped counting how many times he went over the edge of the cliff with Eddie and he tried not to focus on who he was helping too much, just on what they needed and how to get them out. There were limbs tangled in concrete and glass and rebar, people who had almost certainly been enjoying themselves one moment and whose lives were ended the next. He left those for retrieval or recovery missions later given the current focus now was on rescue, but it was hard. He could tell there would be a lot of casualties and it made his stomach churn.

The sky was starting to dim when he felt a hand on his shoulder and he stopped adjusting the rope at his waist to look up.

"You're done for the day," Bobby said, his other hand clasping at Eddie's arm. "You both are."

"But Cap, there are still-"

"I know." Bobby nodded towards a fresh crew walking up the hill carrying giant floodlights. "Moreau reckons you've hauled up at least twenty people between you. Time to let fresh bodies do some work before you crumple on us."

And now that Bobby mentioned it, now that the Zen zone that Buck had been in for hours was starting to fade, he could feel plenty of aches in his muscles and a burn in his hands through his gloves. He swayed a little on the spot and Bobby's arm was there at his back, holding him upright as he started to sag.

"Speaking of crumpling," he mumbled and Bobby managed a small chuckle, guiding him to the truck where Hen and Chimney were already waiting.

"I've got him," Chim said, grabbing at Buck and he had to be more exhausted than he thought when he didn't even protest being bundled into the truck. Eddie was sinking into the chair opposite Buck a moment later, tilting his head back with closed eyes as he exhaled.

"You two are wrecks," Hen muttered as she scooted in beside Eddie, who barely even glanced at her as she lifted his hand and started peeling the straps off his gloves to check for rope burn and blisters.

"I didn't notice until Bobby told me to stop," Buck said as he lifted his headset over his ears and strapped his belt over his chest. "Now I just want to sleep until next week."

Eddie managed a hum of agreement through heavily lidded eyes and Buck wondered if he should've paid more attention to himself, or to Eddie, or to their teamwork when they were evidently so exhausted. Perhaps it was lucky Bobby had pulled them out when he had. Continuing to conduct rescues in darkening conditions when they were this tired was dangerous for everyone involved.

The engine roared to life and he let his eyes lapse shut, visions of dirt and dust and mangled bodies making it impossible to completely fall asleep on the return to the 118.

* * *

"Remind me to get Abuela a present for taking Chris tonight," Eddie muttered as they stumbled through the house, propping each other up and grasping at the walls on the way to the bed. Buck would pretend to be dramatic and say he couldn't remember a time every muscle hurt this badly but he knew that was a lie. He'd ached during rehab once they tried to get his body moving properly. He'd burned all over for weeks after the tsunami. This was no different.

"She'll probably think it's because we had the house to ourselves and had sex," Buck pointed out and Eddie snorted, hand clenching against Buck's waist.

"That's not actually such a bad-"

"I want to _sleep_ ," Buck whined, probably the one and only time he'd ever turn down sex and Eddie laughed, peeling his shirt over his head and kicking off his socks as they entered the bedroom.

"I seem to remember there was an offer once about me just laying there," Eddie said in a tone that was so teasing, so tempting, Buck almost agreed. _Almost_.

"Sleep," he insisted, shucking enough of his clothes that he could crawl into the heaven that was a firm mattress and a soft pillow. He couldn't even be bothered dealing with the blankets. "How can you even _think_ about sex when everything hurts this much?"

Eddie draped the blanket over him anyway and then climbed onto the bed behind Buck, looping an arm around his waist and pressing kisses to the back of his neck and shoulders. "Just because I can think about it doesn't mean I have to act on it."

Buck grunted, folding his fingers through the gaps in Eddie's and cuddling into the embrace of being little spoon. "Tease."

"I learned it from you." The tip of Eddie's nose nuzzled into the curve of Buck's shoulder and he released a heavy sigh. "But, I'll agree with you, sleep does sound pretty good right now."

Humming in acknowledgement, Buck didn't even fight how quickly sleep swallowed him whole.

* * *

**~TBC~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It always amuses me what happens when I start to finish fics. It’s like I have this need to come full circle, to throw in old faces to show the growth. For Buck, that was Victoria. For Eddie, that’s Lena. I wish she’d served more purpose in the show than just pushing Eddie into a crisis 🙄
> 
> Two chapters left!! 😭 Predictions about what remains??


	35. Chapter 35

**Word Count:** 2,151  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

Everything still ached the following morning but he could move without too much grimacing and that seemed like a victory. He rolled out of the empty bed and tugged a t-shirt over his head, too used to having Chris around that it didn't occur to him that Isabel probably hadn't dropped him off yet.

He found Eddie in the kitchen, nursing a mug of coffee as he flipped some bacon.

"Hi," he mumbled, swiping Eddie's mug from beneath his arm and twirling out of Eddie's reach to sip at it.

"You could've just asked for your own," Eddie said, lower lip jutting in a pout as he waved the spatula towards Buck.

"Where's the fun in that when there's a perfectly good coffee within reach?"

Eddie rolled his eyes and retrieved another mug from his cupboard. "Maybe because it's _mine_?"

"What happened to _mi casa es su casa_?"

Eddie stuck out his tongue as he poured fresh coffee into the mug. "That's not what that statement is about and you should know it."

Buck shrugged, leaning against the counter and tracing his eyes over the way Eddie's white shirt hung from his shoulders. "Sue me."

"I'd rather not," Eddie retorted, turning his attention back to poking at the bacon. "That takes too much effort and after the call yesterday, I'd much rather not have to put in effort."

"Yeah. That call made me cross some sort of glass-fronted building on precarious stilts on the side of a hill off the list of wedding venues," he said thoughtfully, then jumped when Eddie's mug shattered on the tiled floor of the kitchen.

"Shit," Eddie muttered, surveying the damage and their bare feet and the spreading black liquid and the hissing bacon at his arm. "Uh- I- Can you-"

"Yeah, yeah, hold up." He left his mug on the counter and stepped carefully clear, shoving his feet into shoes by the door and retrieving the dustpan and broom along with some shoes for Eddie.

Eddie moved slowly to put the shoes on as Buck cleaned up around him, scraping shattered bits of mug into the bin and throwing one of the dishcloths on the floor to soak up the spilled coffee. It was quiet, a hint of tension in the air that made Buck's hair bristle, but any time he glanced at Eddie, Eddie was intent on the cooking and he hardly wanted to distract him further when he'd already broken one mug through a brief lapse in concentration.

He was able to ignore the silence up until they sat at the table with plates of eggs and bacon and toast, and Eddie had a fresh mug of coffee sitting in front of him that he kept staring at like it had personally betrayed him.

He poked Eddie's foot beneath the table, drawing brown eyes under a furrowed brow towards him. "What's wrong?"

"Just…" Eddie picked at the bacon, breaking off a section and then splitting it in half, and then half again. "Just thinking."

"About?"

Eddie shook his head and Buck had to fight against the urge to push, to keep pushing, because it was his natural instinct to push. But when Eddie got all quiet and weird like this, when Eddie shook his head like that, he needed to force himself to stop and give Eddie the space to process.

He hated eating in the silence though because he kept stealing glances at Eddie, noting the way the surface of the coffee rippled when Eddie lifted it towards his mouth or the way Eddie didn't eat nearly as much as he pushed food around his plate. It substantially reduced Buck's appetite, even though he'd been starving when he got up, and he wasn't surprised when Eddie finally gave up and deposited the half-finished plate in the bin when the food must have gotten cold and wandered down the corridor towards the shower without saying anything.

Buck turned his attention to cleaning up, gaze wandering towards the closed bathroom door frequently. He checked the timer on the oven and figured that Isabel would drop Chris off sometime soon now that it was after eight.

He sorted out some clothes for the day and waited until Eddie was finished in the shower, trading places when the other man emerged in a cloud of steam that clearly betrayed how hot his shower had been. But Eddie didn't even meet Buck's eyes as he shuffled down the corridor and Buck…really wanted to punch himself in the head for the entire demeanour change that was unquestionably his fault.

It wasn't until he was halfway through rubbing soap into his skin that it fully dawned on him what he'd said right before Eddie had dropped the mug.

"Shit," he said, thumping his head against the bathroom tiles. "Shit, shit, _shit_ , Buckley. What were you _thinking_?"

It would be easy to blame Chris for planting the idea in his head weeks ago but it was more than that. Consciously or unconsciously, he'd been thinking about the wedding guests they'd been retrieving yesterday and thinking about Eddie and- _Shit_ , he really needed to get it together and apologise to Eddie and insist that he hadn't meant anything by it. Not really. It was just a throwaway comment. Eddie didn't need to freak out. They didn't need to get _married_.

(But then what if Eddie got entirely the wrong idea by Buck trying to apologise and assumed Buck didn't see him as someone Buck would want to marry at some point? Because _that_ was…just as unthinkable, really.)

By the time he left the bathroom, he was almost certain there was a red blotch on his head from how many times he'd hit his head against the tiles in some sort of self-flagellation for his stupidity.

He could hear Christopher's laughter through the corridor and bit back a sigh when he realised his moment was lost, that he couldn't apologise for something like _that_ in front of the kid. Chris would misunderstand and get sad, Eddie would get sad, Buck would get sad, and then…well. It'd be a disaster.

Pasting on the best smile he had, he sauntered into the family room where Chris was sprawled in Eddie's lap and telling his father all about the movies he'd watched with Isabel the night before.

"Buck!" Chris shrieked, squirming in Eddie's arms to get to his feet and fall into Buck's outstretched arms for a cuddle. "I _missed_ you."

"You saw me before my shift, kiddo," he teased, ruffling his hand through the blond curls as he stole a glance over Chris' shoulder to look at Eddie's inscrutable expression. "Did you eat all your great-grandma's cooking?"

"Yeah!" Chris cheered, tugging Buck towards the couch. "Can we go to the park, Dad?"

"Uh…" Eddie glanced between Buck and Chris. "I… Do you feel up to it?"

Buck rolled his shoulders because there were still a few sore spots that hadn't abated yet but he could handle the park if that's what Chris wanted. "Only if we get ice cream after," he said, flashing Eddie a grin and trying not to let it waver when Eddie's lips only twitched the slightest bit.

_Shit_.

He really needed to fix this.

* * *

They watched Chris play on the gym equipment in silence, occasionally calling out a " _Be careful!_ " or " _That's too high, Chris!_ " when the situation demanded but in terms of talking to each other… Nothing. There would have been really good opportunities too, and Buck kept telling himself to just come out and damn well say something, _anything_ , now that he'd realised how badly Eddie's thoughts could be spiralling but he was too chicken-shit to speak up or even reach across what felt like a chasm of epic proportions and grasp Eddie's hand to provide some sort of reassurance.

"Dad! Push me!" Chris called from his still spot on the swings, legs dangling beneath him and kicking occasionally to try to get some sort of momentum which proved utterly impossible. Eddie sighed, shooting Buck a look before he got up and moved towards the swings. And the whole time Buck watched Eddie pushing Chris on the swings, the whole time he watched the quiet conversation between father and son that ended with Chris folding his arms around Eddie's neck, he wondered what that look had been about.

* * *

Was it on him to break the tense silence that pervaded the entire house because Buck could almost guarantee he knew what it was that was bothering Eddie? He wasn't sure. Christopher seemed naïve to the details, wandering around and chattering about a book he wanted to read or a movie he wanted to see or a picture he wanted to draw for his Art teacher.

When it was after lunch, and Eddie still hadn't so much as spoken to him, he retreated to the front porch with his phone in his hand.

> _i think i messed up_

He waited a minute, two, and then five minutes later:

> _What did you do now, Ev?_

He grimaced at the faintly accusatory tone, biting his lower lip between his teeth.

> _can i call u?_

Thirty seconds later, his phone buzzed insistently and he swiped at the screen without needing to look at it.

"Well?" his sister prompted as he pushed his foot against the timber flooring of the deck, idly tracking a red car moving down the street.

"You know that call yesterday? The landslide?"

Maddie made a little ' _mhm_ ' noise and he hesitated, glancing through the window beside him. He could faintly see the light of the television casting colours through the house and he could only assume Eddie was still watching a movie while Chris sat at the coffee table and drew with his markers.

"I…might have made a stupid comment this morning about wedding venues to Eddie," he said, scratching the back of his neck and scrunching his nose at her sharp intake of breath. "And now he's not really talking to me? Or looking at me? And I didn't- Shit, Maddie, I didn't mean to even _say_ anything like that and freak him out but-"

"But now you're panicking anyway?" she said with a knowing smile in her voice and he sighed, a small fraction of the tightness in his chest. "Are you…you know…seriously thinking about marrying him?"

"I don't know?" he said. He tugged at his ear, rubbed the hand over his face and felt the faint shadow of bristles on his jaw. "It's… I think it's too soon? We've only _really_ been official for a few months. And there's Christopher to think about. And after what happened with Shannon, I mean- What if he doesn't even want to get married again? What if this is all there'll be? Because I'm okay with that. Before Abby, I never saw myself as being able to settle down with anyone but-"

"Evan, baby bro, slow down and hush," Maddie soothed and Buck could feel the staccato of his hammering heart in his chest, the way his breath was whistling a little in his throat because the anxiety that had been so alive before the call was well and truly back. "You know the only way to get any of these answers is to talk to him, right?"

"Mads," he whined, because he knew she was right but that didn't mean he had to acknowledge it.

"Eddie loves you, Ev," Maddie said, her tone remaining gentle even as he imagined she had the biggest grin on her face. "Even if you don't end up doing the suit and tie and ring thing, you've got a good guy there. I can't see him giving you up, even though I'm not sure sometimes how he puts up with you."

"You're _not_ helping, you know that right? You're actually a terrible sister. I want a refund."

She laughed and he pressed his lips together against a smile. "I'm your sister. I'm the only one who will tell you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not."

He huffed at her and she laughed again.

"Look, my lunch break is basically over. I need to get back on the floor. But Evan?"

"Mm?"

"Talk to him," she encouraged, even though her words sent butterflies spilling through Buck's gut and his chest and they seemed to get stuck in his throat with the way his pulse stuttered in his neck. "You won't lose him over this but you've said something and it's set him off and now you need to talk about it."

His sister, the wise relationship expert.

"I love you."

"Love you too," she echoed and he managed a small smile as she ended the call and he was left fiddling with his darkened screen.

_Talk to him_.

It sounded so simple.

But of course, Buck wasn't known for being good at the 'simple' things when it came to relationships.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The stage is set for one last chapter.
> 
> Who's gonna ask?
> 
> What's the response gonna be?
> 
> Are we ready for the end???
> 
> (Because I'm not...)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUCKLE IN FOR THE FINAL ROLLERCOASTER OF FEELS.
> 
> I'LL BE IN A CORNER OF MY BUNKER WITH A TISSUE BOX OR TEN.

**Word Count:** 2,579  
 **Warnings/Spoilers:** None in particular for this chapter.

* * *

"Bedtime," Eddie announced once the movie was over and despite Christopher's tired protestations, Eddie swept Chris out of Buck's lap and into his arms to carry him to bed.

"I could've done that," he said but Eddie waved it away as he meandered down the hall, hand cradling Chris' head and murmuring to him in Spanish.

It left Buck with little to do except turn the movie off and fiddle with the remote as he searched for something else to put on, feeling far too alert to even consider going to bed and sleeping even though there was still an ache in his muscles from the call yesterday. The news had mentioned twenty-eight deaths in the landslide, including the bride and her father-in-law, and Buck had been left with a cold, sick churning for the rest of the evening. When he'd occasionally glanced at Eddie's face, he thought the paler cheeks on Eddie's face probably meant he felt the same.

It was odd, Buck mused, how often they faced death. Sometimes it was an attempt to spare someone else from losing their life but frequently they faced their own mortality. The truck crushing his leg could've been so much worse considering the bomb that had exploded. The embolism would've killed him if he'd been at his apartment. And the tsunami? Thousands had died that day and somehow Buck had made it out with a few scars and a lot of bruises, and enough nightmares between him and Christopher to keep psychiatrists busy for the next few years. And that said nothing of Eddie being shot. _Twice_.

He could face death, and he could accept its inevitably – and yet he couldn't face Eddie and talk about the thing he'd said that morning.

He wasn't sure he could call himself a coward, not when he spent his days running into collapsing buildings or leaping over the edge of a cliff to haul someone to safety, but he was…something.

His eyes unfocused as he stared at the television, time passing slowly before Eddie re-emerged and slumped onto the other end of the couch. He released a slow sigh, examining whatever was on the screen.

"What's on?"

Buck shrugged, extending the remote without daring to look at Eddie's eyes in case he unravelled completely. "No idea. You want to find something better?"

His hand hovered in mid-air for a moment longer than he expected and so, against his better judgement, he looked across at Eddie whose eyes were fixed on the screen. He waited, seeing the wheels turning behind Eddie's eyes and in the tense tic of his jaw every time he clenched his teeth.

"I-" Eddie's tongue darted across his lips, the light from the television revealing the bob of his Adam's apple when the shadow moved. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

Buck lowered the remote back to his lap, even as his heart zig-zagged a painful path to get stuck in his throat.

"This- I- What you said this morning-"

"I know. I'm sorry. If I could take it back-"

"Buck." Eddie shook his head, a deep frown setting in. " _Evan_. That's not-"

Eddie huffed, pressing his hands to his eyes and rubbing a few times, looking so increasingly unhinged that Buck thought whatever fragments of sanity he somehow still had left were slipping away as Eddie fumbled for words.

"I'm not gonna lie, it freaked me out," Eddie said after a pause that was so long, Buck thought he probably could've run barefoot around the world three times. "It's- My marriage with Shannon was- We know it was hardly a marriage but-"

"Eddie, you don't have to explain," he said gently, wondering if Eddie could hear the way his heart was cracking in his chest.

"No, but I _do_ ," Eddie said, looking at him with a fierce sort of determination that made Buck's breath catch. "I thought- I hadn't thought about…about marrying anyone again, because I never thought I'd…find someone that I even _liked_ again. And then there's Christopher to consider and that… I don't want to put him through losing another parent, you know?"

Buck swallowed and pasted on the best smile he could when he felt for sure the acid in his stomach was responsible for all the pain he felt throughout his chest. "I get it." Unsure he could stand to hear any more, he discarded the remote to the coffee table and got to his feet. "I told you, you don't need to explain."

"Buck…"

It was his turn to shake his head, escaping the family room for the bedroom and wondering – for a moment that felt like his chest was being crushed under a fire truck – if he could grab some clothes and stay at Maddie's place tonight. It wasn't like he'd ever truly dreamed about getting married, not like he knew Maddie had when they were growing up, and it wasn't like he'd ever truly entertained the thought of marrying _Eddie_ after everything the other man had been through with Shannon. But maybe there'd been a time, a fleeting few seconds, a half-formed idea after Chris' suggestion-

He reached for a second shirt from the drawer, casting his eyes around for a backpack.

"What are you doing?"

He saw the edge of a strap under the bed and pulled the backpack free, his hands trembling with how fast his heart was racing. Or maybe that was because his breathing was so shallow. Or because he knew he couldn't do this. He clearly couldn't be in relationships. Not now. Not ever. Not after Abby. Not-

" _Evan_." Eddie's hand grasped at his wrists, another hand at his neck lifting his head and Buck shut his eyes, because he was a child, because he was stupid, because he knew Eddie looking at him with the tears he could hear in his voice would destroy what little control he had left. " _Please_ look at me?"

He couldn't, though. He _couldn't_. Because somehow, at some point, Chris had planted a seed in his mind and without him realising, it had taken root and blossomed and then he made some flippant remark and Eddie didn't want Chris losing another parent, which meant somewhere that Eddie truly saw him as a _parent_ to Chris which he'd struggled to deal with ever since the casual remark at the recertification party but the way Eddie had talked meant they would never-

His brain stalled, an unbidden sob spilling past his lips when he felt Eddie's mouth press against his, when the hand at his jaw adjusted the angle and Buck was shaking so badly he pulled a hand away from Eddie's grip to grab at anything he could find, which turned out to be Eddie's arm that he clung to.

" _Querido_ ," Eddie whispered, letting go of Buck's hand so he could clasp the other side of Buck's head, fingers snagging at his hair. " _Cariño_. _Mi amor_. _What_ are you _doing_?"

And Buck…he couldn't lie. He might feel paralysed by all the feelings that threatened to drown him – the fear, the shame, the guilt, the hurt, the _love_ – but he couldn't lie.

"I'm sorry," he sniffed as Eddie kissed the tip of his nose, his forehead, the birthmark at his eyebrow. "I- I just- What I said this morning- I shouldn't have- I should have known-"

"Háblame," Eddie said, holding him so tightly that even if Buck had wanted to pull away and fold in on himself he never would have been able to. "Talk to me. Ev, please. I don't understand-"

"I should have known you wouldn't want to marry me!" he burst out, scrunching his eyes shut as a fresh wave of pain built up his throat. "And that…that's okay. I'm _okay_ with that but I- You don't have to use Christopher as an excuse. Or Shannon. I- I know getting married is a big deal and you don't want to or have to do it again and I-"

"That's not-" Eddie's breath gusted over his cheeks as he sighed, thumb smoothing along Buck's cheekbone. "Evan, I _love_ you. I told you that at the hospital. Have you forgotten? Have I not said it enough lately?"

Buck cracked half an eye open, finding the lost sort of look in Eddie's brown eyes difficult to look at for long. "That's different to…to marriage, though."

"Well, yes." Eddie tilted his head and kissed the creased spot between Buck's eyebrows. "That doesn't mean I don't love you enough to consider it possible with you, babe."

Buck's eyes both snapped open and he lost a bit of control over his jaw when he felt the way his mouth was gaping. Eddie's amused face did little to erase the sense of shock that sizzled all the way to the end of his fingers and toes. "But… But what you said…about Christopher…"

"Even if I _didn't_ marry you, I'd be scared of Christopher losing you," Eddie said, a small smile playing on the edge of his lips. "I've never met someone more likely to trip down the stairs on the way to collect pizza."

"That was _one_ time!"

Eddie snorted, brushing a hand through Buck's hair and simultaneously settling some of the frantic freaking out that Buck had been going through. "The point remains though, no?"

Buck wrinkled his nose and pouted, which just made Eddie kiss him. Which…wasn't really such a bad thing when Eddie's mouth was so soft and the scratch of his stubble was so familiar and he clung to Eddie a little tighter when he felt his breath hitch in his lungs.

"Te amo," Eddie murmured, kissing the edge of his lips and tracking a path to the curve of his jaw. "I love you, Evan. More than I know how to express."

Buck's eyes fluttered shut at the words that were said with such warmth directly against his ear that he thought they helped thaw the lump of ice that had settled in his stomach.

"Do you think about marrying me?" Eddie whispered and Buck reached out his other hand, tangling it into Eddie's shirt in case the world decided to crack apart and send them down a hill or try to separate them with some sort of bolt of lightning. With their luck regarding natural disasters, Buck wouldn't put it past Fate to take one last shot.

"Chris mentioned it a while ago," Buck admitted, sucking his lower lip between his teeth when he heard Eddie's breathing shift. "And I- It's not about me, it's about _you_. And what you- what you're ready for, or not ready for, or what you do or don't want to happen again. If this is… If we don't- If our relationship stays like this, then that's okay too. I've still got you, and Christopher, and I'm okay with that."

"Dios míos, I don't deserve you," Eddie said, patting his hair and kissing a path back to his mouth and Buck felt slightly dazed at the sharply focused look in Eddie's eyes. "What did I do to have you in my life, Evan Buckley?"

He felt a small, cheeky grin flash across his face. "Started at the 118 without your shirt on, I think."

Eddie rolled his eyes and kissed the grin away, kissed him with a heat and a determination that had Buck trembling for an entirely different reason than the panic he'd felt escaping Eddie earlier. Eddie's hands slid from his neck to his shoulders to his chest, one palm settling over Buck's stuttering heart.

"No me da vergüenza querer que esto sea mío para siempre," Eddie said. Though Buck loved hearing Eddie talk in Spanish and occasions where he understood fragments of words, there were times like this that he _hated_ it because he could tell from the mischievous glint in Eddie's eyes that he was declaring something important and Buck couldn't understand it.

" _English_ ," he insisted with another pout that made Eddie's playful smile almost certainly widen.

"I want this-" Eddie's index finger scratched a rough heart shape over Buck's left pectoral, "-to be mine forever one day."

Buck felt like time had stopped as he blinked, rapidly, at Eddie. "You…do?"

"Yes, idiota," Eddie said and Buck thought his heart might just leap out of his chest and present itself to Eddie to take now if that was what he really wanted. "I will sign the papers and say the words that will make you mine, and make you Christopher's second father. I'm not afraid of that. I wasn't this morning either, if you'd just let me tell you that on the couch earlier."

Buck felt like he couldn't get his mouth to work properly. He opened and closed it a few times before he finally managed, "Shouldn't you be on one knee for this?"

Eddie snorted, poking at Buck's chest. "Would it actually make you _agree_ if I did?"

"No." Buck realised his mistake as soon as he saw Eddie's eyes widen. "I mean- I- I'd agree either way. You know. Even if you aren't on one knee."

Eddie blinked. "Yeah?" he said, a little breathlessly.

Buck nodded, tugging at Eddie's shirt and feeling just as dazed himself as he gazed into Eddie's eyes and realised there wasn't anyone he could imagine being happier with, and he couldn't imagine a world without him and Eddie and Christopher in it. He wanted Eddie to be his, and he wanted to be Eddie's, and it was as simple and as complicated and as utterly clichéd as that. "Does this mean you'll marry me, Eddie Diaz?"

Eddie huffed a small laugh, his eyes twinkling. "I think you stole my line."

"Say _yes_ , asshole," Buck demanded and Eddie's laugh was probably almost loud enough to wake Christopher.

Eddie didn't exactly _say_ yes but the kiss that he pressed to Buck's lips, the way he dragged Buck's shirt over his head and mouthed at his neck and drew him onto the bed… His actions spoke far louder than some three-letter word.

And that was enough for Buck.

* * *

It wasn't until late that night, after he'd settled his body among his blankets and pillows with Buck sprawled over his chest, that Eddie let himself think about the look of pure surprise and wonder and happiness and love that had filled Buck's face when he'd made some sort of proposal that wasn't exactly formalised, and wasn't how he'd imagined proposing and yet…worked for them. His words might've started in Spanish, offering him the chance to gather his confidence before he told Buck how he really felt, but Buck's reaction had been priceless. It reminded him of the look on Buck's face when he'd insisted he was forgiven almost a year ago after keeping Buck at a distance when he'd returned for the craziness of shifts at Halloween.

As he gazed at the way the light caught on Buck's skin now, and the way shadows decorated his face, he couldn't help but wonder how he'd ever gotten so lucky as to obtain Evan Buckley's love in his life when he could imagine so many would have given up on him.

He'd never felt as peaceful in his entire life as he did when he knew he had this man's care and compassion, and he would absolutely spend the rest of his life reminding Buck how incredible and loved he was until the look of awe was replaced with acceptance.

This beautiful man deserved nothing less.

* * *

_**~FIN~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...fun fact: if you go back to the very beginning, you'll notice the little Eddie POV bookends....)
> 
> So now that I've reached the end of this, and torn you apart for the final time with the rollercoaster and then helped you back together (Nicole hated me for this chapter....lol), I think it's important to mention that the title of the story is because of the title of [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcsmwXFCOI). If you listen to it, you'll see some similar storyline threads. It came on while I was driving one day and I just went OMG YES.
> 
> Now to other things -  
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND SUPPORTING THIS INCREDIBLY MAMMOTH STORY.  
> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
> 
> Before this, the story on AO3 with the highest subscriptions was 32, which felt like a lot of people watching and waiting (.....and I really should finish that one....heh). This one? It's over 500 people. It blows my mind that so many amazing people have read it enough to subscribe, and kept coming back, week after week, for the last nine months. I began writing this after the Halloween episode last year, and finished it back in early January, with betaing finishing in around February, and so it has been a long time coming to reveal it to the world.
> 
> I hope it delivered??
> 
> There are so many people to thank but the biggest one has to be Nicole. She reached out last year on Tumblr after I pleaded on my first Buddie fic and we went back and forth so much with ideas, where I was writing in almost a frenzy for the first draft. Then I found the Discord and brainstormed various vague ideas and scenes to add to various gaps, and then Nicole agreed to be the beta for the monster that this became. 
> 
> Truly, Nicole. You are magnificent and I adore you. _Thank you._
> 
> And to conclude..... There were plans to write some follow-ups to this (...a marriage? mayhaps??) and then I got a little side-tracked cowriting more than a million words since April. I still have some little follow-up ideas so........stay tuned.... This isn't over _just_ yet ;)


End file.
